’tis the season for giving….so here’s what I want

Have you guys done your Christmas shopping yet?
Have you even started?
I was all organised with my bad self this year and started crazy early
Then I must have been all, well I have my shit in a BIG way, soooo together so I’ll just chill
I chilled so much that November went and fucked off and now it’s 5 more sleeps until Christmas
Shit.
Yep, time to get crack-a-lackin’
And pay a squillion for last minute shipping
Dork.

While finishing up my shopping for fam & friends today
I may have got sidetracked on Amazon.com and worked on MY Christmas list
And just in case Diamond doesn’t read this post, that I’m totally printing out and sticking to the fridge – I went ahead and ordered all this stuff
Just in case
How UNselfish of me is THAT?
Such a shit giver, me
So, in no particular order, even though the pictures are NUMBERED, so technically, yeah, there IS an order…..here’s my list!

Let’s start with this. I have wanted one of these hideous jumpers since I first saw a mate wearing it on Facebook last year. I must have whined enough, because that mate, and his wife, bought me my very own Santa Jumper, and gave it to me while I was on tour in the UK.
It’s given me so much joy. I’ve worn it to 3 Christmas parties and despite her protests (“you wouldn’t dare wear that to my school would you Mum?) I’ll be wearing git to Macaroni’s class party today. It is by definition, the gift that keeps right on giving my daughter embarrassment 
Thanks Brett & Deb!

Being a big fan of ‘too much is never enough’, I could do with some more SPANX
If you don’t know what Spanx is, and you have a penis, you are excused. If however you have a vajay-jay and STILL don’t know what Spanx is – I’m thinking you’ve never used them because you’re thin and don’t need to.
So that’s YOU off the Christmas list biatch!

To combat the inevitable, “Mum, I’m BORED” that is coming our way during the school break – I think it’s time to stock up on some boardgames. We have a ton. But as the kids get older, they’re able to move up a level as far as what games they can play.
They’re done with Candyland and Hungry Hippos, and aren’t quite ready for the Kevin Bloody Wilson Pub Krawl Board Game
Any suggestions?

Workout pants? Me?
What the wuh?
If you read THIS post, you’ll know I’m due for an upgrade in the pants department
I’m going to need them to be Henry proof, and I’d also like them to make my arse look like the chick’s in the photo without me having to get all sweaty and excercisey
Please and thank you.

I spent a lot of years resisting the Pandora urge. I thought they were a rip off, and couldn’t work out why all these women would want to wear the same bracelets as each other.
That was until about 4 Mother’s Days ago – when Macaroni & Magoo gave ME a Pandora, with two charms on it that I would never have picked for myself that they chose, and I instantly fell in love with, because of course mine was TOTALLY not the same as anyone else’s *ahem*
As with most things I like, I wanted more (hello chocolate and red wine)
Did you know they have Christmas Pandoras?
Well I didn’t.
But now I do.
*sigh*

The kids have asked for new bikes this year, and to prove that motherhood hasn’t matured me one iota, my first response was, “me too!”
In order for me to not be belting out THIS song on the 25th, it’s already been delivered and I’ve hidden it from myself in the garage.
Now I just need to find a helmet that fits my XXL noggin.

No, your eyes are not fucking with you, it’s a picture of a crock pot. But wait, no seriously you guys…WAIT! I live in Chicago, it’s getting colder than a witch’s woohoo over here. I’m a less than stellar cook, who LOVES to eat. Especially when it’s cold. I’m also lazy. Crock pots are MADE for lazy chubby girls who are cold and hungry. You see where this is going right? Anyhoo… I have no idea which brand of these is better. I only know that the crock pot I have now is blue, and broken, and the one in this picture is all shiny and has buttons!
Yes please!

I haven’t bought a new pair of black boots in like at least a month forever, so I thought it was time
Plus, my brother was looking for something to get me this Christmas. So Trav, HERE YOU GO! I even ordered them gift wrapped with a card that I wrote is signed from you telling me how I’m the best sister ever, EVAH! You have such a way with words. Cool, huh?
Yes, you are welcome 

I have stuff. I have a lot of stuff. My kids have a lot LOT of stuff. Many kids don’t.
When I was ordering more pencils/crayons for the umpteenth time this school year (I swear they eat them) I thought about the kids that don’t even get ONE lot of school supplies at the beginning of the year. There’s a bazillion places online you can go to help kids like this. After a few minutes of looking around, I ended up on a website for children affected by Hurricane Sandy. (THIS ONE) I ordered some stuff. I’m not saying you should, or that if you did, this is where you should do it. I just know if you DO do something, someone, somewhere will probably smile…because of you. Doesn’t get much more Chirstmassy than that does it?

I don’t watch TV. I watch TV shows, but never at home. I’m away a lot, and never in one spot regularly enough to watch something every ‘Friday’ or ‘Sunday’. So, (thanks to your recommendations after I asked you guys on Facebook what was good to watch) I have become obsessed with some new shows. I’m up-to-date on Downton Abbey, Sons Of Anarchy and Breaking Bad. Now I just need to get up on it with the new season of Homeland. How fucking great is this show? Love. It.
And because this isn’t available on iTunes, or Netflix or Amazon instant view (It’s like you don’t WANT me to watch this HBO!?!) I have to get it the old fashioned way by homing pigeon on DVD
And while it’s number 10 on my list, it really should be number one.
If I was to only get ONE thing this year, this would be it

Not that I’m saying I only want one thing. That would jsut be silly
Plus,I’ve already BOUGHT it all.
I am such a selfish shopper helpful girl, aren’t I?

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE.
Luv ya guts
x

PS – for those of you concerned about the lack of alcohol-related gifts on my list, my husband bought me TWO CASES of Yellow Tail merlot yesterday, on HIS birthday.
Smart man, that.

 

four eyes

Before I left Chicago to come away for this tour, I tried hard to squeeze in as much quality time with Diamond and the girls as I could
Movies, playdates, crafts, dress ups with the girls
And while Diamond and I took care of ‘what we needed to’ *cough* We also made sure to spend some romantic time together

By picking out a new dishwasher and all that sort of lovey dovey stuff that married couples do
But if you want to talk REAL sexy time, you’re in the wrong place book an appointment go get your eyes checked together

Nothing makes you feel older and more un-rootable than knowing your eyesight is going

Turns out, we both needed glasses

Diamond needs them for distance, especially for night driving home from the pub

And me, I need ‘em for close up stuff, like reading and squeezing blackheads

The plus side is that it’s NOT too much wine making shit blurry at night….it’s my crappy vision y’all.
Tell THAT to my papa toe that I continue to kick on the unseen corner of the bed at every other hotel. Mother fucker, how much does THAT hurt?

Anyhoo, my glasses arrived here in the UK, thanks to express post Diamond (although delivered in person would have been preferable)

And it’s going to take me more than a little while to get used to them

Am I serious glasses girl?

Trying to be, and failing at sexy glasses girl? (I think it’s because my nostrils flare when I try to look smoulder-y, and if I hold the pose long enough, I start to dribble…..HAWT!)

Do they make me look smarter?

Dumber?

The same?

I thought they made me look classy for all of five minutes. ‘Til I walked out on stage (forgetting to take them off first) to take the DILLIGAF CHOIR photo, and tripped over twice. Not embarrassing at all.

It’s moments like that, that remind me it was a good idea to NOT get the $650 glasses I liked. The 2 for $70 ones are much more suited to a girl of my clumsy, forgetful, spazzy nature. I’m already on to my second pair. Genius.

Whatevs… everything on my computer screen now looks like it’s in 3D. I’m probably going to have to stop watching porn, because oh my God, that shit was WAY better blurry.

To all the kids at school I gave shit about being 4 eyed and a brainiac, you’ll be happy to know that karma is alive and well.

And I am the dorkiest of the glasses wearing dorks.
WITHOUT the brains.

my christmas top 10

I’ve put together a list of things that I’d LOVE to see in my stocking this Christmas

Please feel free to pass this on to Diamond Santa for me

OK, numero uno

A WINE BRA – Seriously, who comes up with this shit? ‘Cause dude needs a MEDAL.. I could wear it on school field trips, walking the dog, visiting the in-laws! Can you imagine how fun one of these would make a funeral? I could fill the fucker up and there’d be enough for everybody! But you guys would have to bring your own straw

FART MACHINE – because farting is NEVER NOT FUNNY. So for those days that I can’t spontaneously gross you out amuse you, I’ll just pull this gadget out of my bag of tricks and fire away. Making sure to blame you for it

Apparently I am getting a new office, because the girls are getting their own rooms and I’m being kicked out of my old space. So I want one of these IPHONE DESKS pretty please. Or the deal’s off mofos.

If I’m going to waste my time exercising, and probably hurt myself in the process – I’d like to do it wearing these STILETTO TRAINERS, if  you don’t mind (size 8 1/2 thanks)

Magoo has asked Santa for a hamster this Christmas – and if that bearded fucker brings one of those smelly little fur balls into my house, he better bring me one of these NOSE CLIPS with it

ROBOTIC BABYSITTER – for those hangover days when you need someone else to do crafts and play dress up with the kids. It’d be a total upgrade from the Disney channel.

A ZEBRA PRINT baby grand piano. OK, so I already HAVE a piano. But Diamond won’t let me paint it and I think that the world NEEDS a female Liberace. You can call me LABIA-RACE

PENIS NECKLACE – that I’d wear just to make the snobby lady at the bank uncomfortable. But I think it’s little bit of false advertising – ’cause this makes it look like it’s ‘coming’ diamonds – which, if that WERE the case in real life – we’d ALL swallow, wouldn’t we girls?

A BABY – I’m not sure where you could actually BUY one of these – but my neighbor JUST got word that she’s been approved to adopt. So I think I might just borrow hers. The bonus? We can BOTH drink during her pregnancy

Faccebook has a ‘dislike’ button and you can ‘unfollow’ someone on Twitter, and even give someone the ‘thumbs down’ on YouTube. But sometimes, actually A LOT of the time, life, especially life online, requires a big ol’ FUCK YOU. I’ll probably need more than one of these

What’s on your Christmas list this year?