proof of life

You guys have been enquiring lately about Eva
Concerned that I’ve only been posting pics of Fluffy because he’s my favourite

So yesterday I posted a pic on my Instagram page
Proof of life, if you will

And you guys were all, YAY, she’s alive!
But that talk quickly turned to, hang on…that pic could be an old one. Maybe Jenny’s tricking us and Eva really is buried under a pile of snow in the backyard thanks to FluffyIMG_1075

So you asked for a another pic, only this time with the date on it, as proof
Like a kidnap victim holding up a copy of the newspaper
I think you guys don’t trust me for shit watch too much Law & Order

Not only do I not get the paper delivered...I’m not sure I even know where to buy one anymore
I know Zappos don’t sell them. I checked. But I did find boots….agh boots!
Anyhoo, I’m all about getting my news online
So I figured I’d just use my iPad, showing the date
With Eva sitting nicely next to it

First shot, she had her face in Fluffy’s bum
Where all good naps are takenIMG_1081

So I idiotically woke her up
And tried to get her to sit still for the picIMG_1085

Have you ever tried to wrangle an ADD toddler having a seizure?
Taking Eva’s pic is exactly like that, but with more sneezing
I told you I was allergic to her, right?
I know
She’s the gift that keeps on giving

Turns out, she likes the taste of iPad
Add that to gym shoes, pool tables and ukeleles, and you have Eva’s balanced diet of, I’m only interested in chewing on stuff worth more than $100!
IMG_1093 IMG_1090    IMG_1091

I finally got her to sit still
And as you can see by her utterly pissed off expression
That was done by holding her by the collar
I know, how DARE I restrain what is meant to roam free and shit under the piano
I expect a visit from the RSPCA any minute
IMG_1097

Truly she is getting better
I think she has grown out of her crazy puppy years
And is now smack-bang in the middle of her methed-out teenager stageIMG_1100

As I finish this post, she’s looking at me through my office window
And she’s scratching on the glass to be let back inside (it’s below zero out)
She does this ALL. DAY. LONG.
Let me out!
Let me in!
Let me out!
Let me in!
It’s like arsehole version of Groundhog Day
It’s also the 10 seconds per day max, that I am the boss of her
And she’ll do anything I ask
IMG_1104
If I leave her out their long enough, maybe she’ll revarnish the pool table legs and UNstain my office rug…

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married life

Caught up with some of my girlfriends for lunch and a few bottles glasses of wine

It’s always fun catching up

I was rubbing it in their faces telling them about our trip to the Bahamas

The hotel

The view

The service

And of course, my mates being sickos girls being girls

And they were more interested in what kind of sex I had

Like, did you go back to having single sex?

Or do you still have married sex when you’re on vacation?

I was all like shut the fuck up bitches dudes, I’m NOT going there with you

When you’re single, you can talk forever about hooking up and sexcapades

If you did that kind of thing, which of course I didn’t, ’cause I was saving myself for Diamond

Anyhoo

I think the main reason they were so curious is because of something that happened a while ago

That they won’t let me forget

So fuck it, here goes

One of our friends had a lingerie party

We all went and bought a few things

Turns out, one of the ‘items’ I had bought they bought too

So the 3 of us walked out of the party with the same outfit!

Weird, I know

We were pretty drunk at the time thought it’s be a laugh to compare reactions that our get-ups got

Note, I’m the only married one

They’re both single

Well, if  you don’t count having an affair with a married man for 2 years

Which one of my mates may, or may not be doing

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So about 2 weeks later, we meet up for one of our booze fest diguised as monthly lunches

We’re all keen to hear how each outfit worked out

So Ms Single (who really IS single and not humping the married wanker) reckoned that when she wore her sexy stuff on a night out, she met a bloke and I really don’t want to put her whole account of it in here ’cause she’ll kill me one thing led to another, and he LUUUURVED THE SHIT out of her outfit so much that it ended up in a pile on the floor

In the interest of total humiliation full disclosure, let the record show that said outfits were cute, black lace bodysuits, fishnets, and black silk masks

Anyhooo

Ms slutty that should no better not really single reckons that when her man came over, she answered the door with her lingerie on, and they barely made it inside the door he got so excited

So the outfit’s 2 for 2 so far

And it’s not that I didn’t want to share – I just didn’t want to admit that being married makes it different and hear their shit about it for the rest of my life I was just embarrassed

So I chugged my 3rd wine and blurted:

I put it on one afternoon when Diamond was dropping the kids off at their Grandmas

And was wearing it when he came home

He took one look at me in the black body suit and mask, and said

Yo Batman, what’s for dinner?

I swear

An article I read this morning:

SWEARING CAN HELP EASE THE PAIN

In a new study that’s being called a triumph for cab drivers and dockworkers everywhere,researchers have found that swearing profusely can actually help alleviate physical pain.

64 students at Keele University were asked to submerge their hands in ice water for as long as they could while shouting a series of expletives. For comparison, they performed the same task again while repeating non-offensive words used to describe a table. On average, the subjects were able to keep their hands in the ice water for 40 seconds longer while cursing.

“Swearing is quite an emotional form of language, and it is an almost universal human linguistic phenomenon,” said Dr. Richard Stephens, the conductor of the study. “In the volunteers who swore, we also found they had an elevated heart rate, so it could be increasing their aggression levels. Increased aggression has been shown to reduce people’s sensitivity to pain, so it could be swearing is helping this process.”

Up next for Stephens, studying to effects of washing his students’ mouths out with soap.

Jul 13th 2009 By Nick Prueher
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*My research shows that swearing does ‘jack shit’ for the pain of childbirth!

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