Parody by JENNY TALIA

Based on I WANT A HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR CHRISTMAS

By JOHN ROX

EDWIN H . MORRIS & COMPANY, A DIVISION OF MPL MUSIC PUBLISHING, INC. .

I want a new set of tits for Christmas

Just like the way they used to be

The tits I had are gone

Now they’re saggy and they’re long

I want set of fun bags you can play with all night long

I want a new set of tits for Christmas

Not like this warn out leather razor strops

What used to be me bust

Is now dragging in the dust

Like a handful of sand in a pair of footy socks

I can see me now on Christmas morning

Bouncing down the stairs

Oh what joy and what surprise

I’ll see in my husband’s eyes

When he spots my new tits pointing in the air

I want a new set of tits for Christmas

New tits are what I want so Santa please

New set of norks pointing  to the north

Instead of pointing south and banging on me knees

Most girls ask for silicone

And silicone’s not bad

But pump mine full of helium
So the bastards never sag

I want a new set of tits for Christmas

And really piss the bingo girls right off

While they’re tucking there’s away

I’ll have mine on display

While they’re trying to hide their wrinkly tits

I’ll be showing off

Me husband says rub toilet paper ‘tween me tits

Real hard

Guaranteed to make ‘em big

‘Cause it’s working on me arse

And if I get me set of tits for Christmas

If me hubby foots the bill and pays the lot

Oh how happy we’ll both be

Under next year’s Christmas tree

I’ll save up all my change and buy him a new cock

Written by JENNY TALIA
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

Billy the kid

Billy the shit

Barges thru the store

Screaming out loud

“Where’s the bearded bastard?

I wanna see him now”

It’s that special holiday feel good time of the year

And Billy’s spreading the love sharing the cheer

He was searching everywhere

On the prowl on the hunt

Then he found Santa’s line

And pushed his was to the front

“Hey Santa, it’s me Billy

I’m here to tell ya what I want

So grab a sharp pencil

Me list is really long”

Billy the kid

Billy the shit

Make you give up rooting

If you got a kid like him

He’s an 8 year old arsehole

With an acid toungue

Make a mother wanna eat her young

Billy the kid

Billy the shit

Santa thought

Oh God

It’s that little prick again

He’s the worst part of the job

Billy jumped on Santa’s lap

Knocked over 3 of his elves

“Shut up and listen Santa

and keep your fucking hands to yourself”

“I want a video game

And a flat screen tv

And an ipod and a skateboard

And a tent that sleeps 3

And one of those fancy

Transformer robot things

A bat & a bike and a new kite

Are you listening to me?”

CHORUS

Santa Claus was knackered

After Billy had gone

So then he thought,  “I feel payback coming on”
He said to Billy’s mum and dad who were standing there in shock

“I think it’s time we showed your mongrel kid just who’s the boss”

“Don’t get him anything for Christmas – just a pile of dog shit

Put it in his toys, in the yard

That should do the trick

Put dog shit in the shed, his sandbox and his room

I’ll bet you both that’ll make him change his bloody tune”

CHORUS

Billy woke up Christmas morning

Excited as could be

“I can’t wait to see the stuff

That Santa bought for me”

He ran all around the house

And started looking confused

Looked under the tree and in the yard

And in the shed too

But all he found was dog shit

Tears welled up in Billy’s eyes

His Dad knelt down and said

“Billy, you alright?”

Billy’s little lip was trembling

And he was trying not to cry

“Santa bought me a puppy

But I can’t FUCKING find him”

CHORUS

Written by KEVIN BLOODY WILSON

BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

I slipped outta bed on christmas night

And what I saw nearly scarred me for life

Santa Claus was going to town

I could see him but he couldn’t see me

While he was banging my mum neath the christmas tree

Santa Claus was going to town

“Have you been a good girl?” Santa Claus said

Mum was down on her knees just nodding her head

Santa Claus was going 2 town

I promise something special

That’s what i heard him say

If your a bad girl 4 santa tonight

I’ll be good 2 you christmas day

He might be old and he might be fat

But Mum shouldn’t knock back an offer like that

Santa Claus was going to town

Mum brought him a beer then he stopped for a while

Then he spun her around and done it puppy dog style

Santa Claus was going to town

I heard him say, “Your pearl necklace is coming!”

And i thought 2 myself you’re a lucky girl mum

Santa Claus was going to town

Can’t wait to see on christmas day what santa brings for mum

Cause i heard him promise her anything at all

if she takes it up the …..

I wonder what dad’s gonna have to say

When he sees Mum’s presents on christmas day

Santa Claus was going to town

Santa Claus was comin

Santa Claus and Mum and

S saw Mummy sucking Santa Claus – Santa Claus was going to town