The perfect addition to our table Christmas Day

There’s gotta be some kind of award out there for that

Or discount coupon for week’s stay at a psych ward

I’m glad we’re still crazy after all these years

Happy Anniversary baby

Or don’t

I just wanted sufficient documentation

Proof, if you like

That the Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gilliard, is a hussy

You see, U.S. President, Barack Obama, just did a whirlwind visit to Oz

And in that time

Our chief Fanta Pants, could not stay away from the poor dude

Like, followed his arse EVA-REE-WHERE

Giving him her best “yes big boy….the curtains DO match the carpet…let me show you” look

Trying to stick her tongue in his ear at every opportunity

I mean, the dude’s married to one of the hottest black women on the planet

With a set of biceps that would mangle old mango mutt up in a minute

No ranga, not even a powerful stupid one could stand a chance

I mean, Bazza’s kinda handsome and all

But geez Jules, you’ve got a hairdresser who the whole world knows is a raging poof fella of your own at home

You can’t have everything you want you know

You already fucked one powerful man

I think that might be enough now

Not that you’re going to listen to a voice of reason

Apparently once you’ve dreamed of having had Barack…you can’t go back

Slut.

After not bothering to go to bed after the Sunday night gig in Cairns

‘Cause really, if it’s 2am – and I’m leaving for the airport at 4am – any kind of nap I took would be more like a coma

Meaning I would sleep through the alarm clock, the taxi driver banging at my door – and most probably my flight

In my delirious state, I made it to the airport, checked in

And kept walking around in circles knowing that if I sat, I would be out cold

Which I was – as soon as my bum hit the seat on the plane

I woke up several hours later, when we touched down in Sydney

My eyes were almost glued shut with caca-poo-poo (our family’s dumb-arse name for the crap that miraculously accumulates in your eye bits while your sleeping)

I also had a lovely trail of dried dribble down the right side of my face. I was trying to indiscreetly wipe it off when the old dude next to me informed me that, “…well young lady, aren’t YOU quite the sleep talker”

The fuck? And no, I didn’t ask him what I was talking about. There’s some things you just don’t need to know

Had enough time at Sydney airport to grab some mags, snacks & an iPhone charger. My 3rd one for the trip. What? Like you’ve never lost 2 iPhone chargers in 3 weeks

Boarded the Sydney flight, next to smelly lady

I’m not even joking when I tell you that a busted arsehole would have smelt better

Putrid to the point of gagging. So fucking gross

But in a sign that maybe one of the Qantas crew might be my friend on Facebook – a boy so fab I would have given him a tonguey if he wasn’t as gay as my cousin’s husband who totally wears dresses and goes cruising but thinks we all don’t know about it

He came up to stale vagina lady and asked if she’d like a row to herself. I’m like, of course she does! Go…go….FUCKING GO! I tried to be as encouraging as possible, without actually pushing her out of her seat. As that would have required ‘touching’ her. Nothankyouverymuch

And go she did. Not only did that leave an empty seat next to me (that I had to use half a bottle of hand sanitizer and the last of my Narciso Rodriguez perfume on, to make it non vomitty) Stale vagina lady was now at the other end of the plane (where coincidentally a baby started, at that moment, crying it’s box off. And didn’t stop for hours. I think the little bugger was eventually overcome but the fumes and passed out)

Then we sat on that plane for nearly TWO HOURS. Which is complete bullshit. And not just because in that time, my laptop, iPad & iPhone went flat (because I didn’t have time to use my new charger yet, duh) AND i ran out of snacks. OK, so that’s PROBABLY why is was bullshit

We eventually took off – and I was out light a light almost immediately. Only to be woken up for dinner. Fuck. It was hard to be mad at gay Qantas boy though. ‘Cause in my effort to be super-efficient-world- traveler – I had preordered a special meal, knowing that they brought those out earlier than the other meals. It was part of my master plan to eat, use the toilet before any other passengers filled it with their after-meal stink bombs, and be sleeping like a bay-bay before the other suckers even got their meals

My plan had a slight flaw, as most of my plans do. Instead of ticking ‘vegetarian’ meal (which are pretty much the same as real people food, minus the steak, but INCLUDING the desert) I had ticked diabetic. This meant that gay Qantas boy was WORRIED about me, and made it his mission that I, IN NO FUCKING WAY, sleep through a meal – lest I seizure on his shift

It meant not much sleep – and chocolate all over my bum, cause I was trying to hide kitkat wrappers from him. I didn’t want him to think my ‘diabetes’ was self inflicted, you know?

Anyhoo – arrived in LA – 3 hours late. Missed my connection to Chicago. Lined up forever at immigration. Waited forever for my bags. Got in the wrong line to recheck my bags. And was pretty much a big ball of EVERY ONE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, by the time I got on my next flight

By the time I arrived at my house,  some 35+ hors after leaving Cairns, I was out of it. Dizzy, tired, and barely upright

Then I saw my babies, my Diamond, and my dog

There were flowers waiting for me. Perfume (’cause Diamond had obviously read my post about stale vagina lady and was worried there might have been some shit-smell-transference) And these…

(which I probably ordered for myself online last week, but whatevs….they were STILL waiting for me)

There were cuddles, bedtime stories (that Magoo read TO ME! She could only read a few words when I left *sob*)

So, no matter what the journey’s like

When your destination is home….it’s ALWAYS worth it.

(Except maybe for the jet lag part, which has you up at 1:15am writing stupid-long-blogs, ’cause it’s the quietest thing you can do at stupid o’clock)

We’re ready for our day off today

I’m thinking of heading to the biggest shopping centre I can find

And get a start on my Christmas shopping

Believe it or not, I’m normally DONE with my Chrissy shopping by this time of year

But I have saved Diamond some time

‘Cause I already know what I want for Christmas

I met him yesterday

He’s my cousin’s beautiful 8 month old baby boy

His big sister is Dad’s newest best friend too

Which is no surprise considering he paid her in ice-cream

So all I need to do is find a shop that sells ones just like this

That don’t come with a sore vajay-jay, stretch marks or sleepless nights

But be warned

If I find a shop like that

I’m probably going to walk out with a matching set

And headed out to a great restaurant

Then to the casino

This morning I am walking like a gimp

The REASON I am in pain this morning?

Hobbling along with a limp?

These awesome looking but fucking deadly heels

They were probably also the reason that a 60 year old dude who smelt like beer farts propped himself up next to me at the blackjack table and enquired in his oh so subtle way, “how much for two hours darlin’?”

It amazes me that people still have trouble distinguishing between someone DRESSED like a hooker and someone who IS a hooker

Which one am I again?

The old dumb-fuck needed glasses for sure

Anyhoo

Don’t tell Diamond about the follow-me-fuck-me’s being the reason for the gammy walk

He thinks I’m walking funny ’cause….well..yeah…you know….

Let’s not burst his bubble

But by God, if this girl doesn’t ooze talent

She’s been the soundtrack to every flight so far this tour

The real deal indeed

Some people love their Mum’s more than anything in the world

But they don’t have them around anymore

So on this Mother’s Day

Whether your Mum is sitting right next to you

On the other side of the world

Or your guardian angel

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mums

Wherever they may be

x

Since then I’ve seen pop up on quite a few other blogs

I wanted to post it here too

Because I support this

And I don’t understand why two people who want to get married can’t

I try to imagine back when Diamond and I fell in love

And the amazing memory I have of the day he asked me to marry him

Doesn’t everyone deserve to have that memory?

To those who don’t agree

Why does it bother you?

How does it affect your life if 2 people who happen to have the same genitals, get married?

It shouldn’t

No more than if they live together

Forever

What’s the big fucking difference?

I can’t wait for the day when people like Derence & Ed don’t have to plead their case

Or ask permission

To do what the rest of us can do whenever we like

To whomever we like

As many times as we like

I wish these guys every happiness and hope so much they get to get married

And not just because they are probably the cutest couple I’ve ever seen

How cute are they?

We saw them at Johannesburg airport

On one of our many stops there

As we flew to a different city (via Joburg)

16 flights in 13 days

But these little sweethearts made this day kinda awesome

They were dancing and singing up a storm

I could have watched them all day

I filmed them until my memory card was full

I couldn’t help but think how much my 2 girls would have loved to see them

These little girls, that were probably around the same age

Who lives couldn’t be more different

I bet they would have so much fun playing and dancing together

It made me so happy to stand there and watch them

But it also made me a little sad

Wondering what their lives were like

There smiles were dazzling

So bright

I wanted to take them home with me

But I’m pretty sure that that shit’s probably illegal

I couldn’t tell who the guy was behind them

The one playing the drum

Was he one of their Dad’s?

Was he their boss?

Their Fagan?

Their pimp?

He didn’t smile at all

So I waited ‘til he wasn‘t looking

And I gave them all my money

So did Dad

I hope they spent it on lollipops and unicorns