Thanks to the airline we flew with

Check them out

Yep, you read right

That says THIS SIDE UP on the side of the plane

The airline is actually called KALULA Airlines

But this is how they paint their planes

Two years ago when we flew domestically here

We flew with an airline called ONE TIME Airlines

And I remember at the time thinking I’d be much more comfortable if they called themselves, EVERY TIME Airlines

But this, this RIGHT SIDE UP mob

Are funny as fuck

And the funny doesn’t stop on the outside of the plane

Once on board, the flight attendant’s ‘welcome on board / safety spiel’ was hilarious

I don’t usually pay much attention to them

And my payback for playing Scrabble on my iPhone while I’m supposed to be listening to the safety briefing

Will no doubt be being the only one with my lifejacket on backwards

And not able to find an exit from my own arsehole

If the plane I’m on ever goes down

But I have it on good advice from some mates that work in the airline industry

That, “If you ditch, you DIE”

Lovely thought

But this crew had my attention from the get go

With an announcement that started with

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover – but there’s only 8 exits on this aircraft”

Gold

Once we landed and were disembarking

One of the flight attendants said over the P.A,

(and I’m pretty sure it’s because there was an article on Dad in the inflight magazine)

“Please refrain from smoking and vulgar language until you are in a designated area”

Who knew flying could be such a laugh?

I arrived at the the hotel to find that

It’s fucking awesome

For anyone that’s been to Vegas

Think Caesar’s Palace

Times 10

This place is huge

And beautiful

And my shitty photos don’t do it justice at all

But it’s really amazing

It’s like it’s own city

With shops, casinos

And a bazillion restaurants

Very, very cool

And being a girl that’s more than comfy staying in a decent motel when on the road

This place feels very fancy schmancy

The staff are wonderful

But I gotta tell you

In South Africa in general

The people are ultra friendly

Very kind and welcoming

Even to yobbos like us!

And the kicker?

Starbucks in the hotel lobby

They’re going to have to drag my freckly arse out of this joint!

And the people from here can be a bit rough around the edges too

Being from Kalgoorlie, places like the Isa feel like home to me

I’m a fan of people saying what they mean, and meaning what they say

Country towns like this are chock-full of funny bastards and cheeky characters

If you’re one of those polished city slickers with $200 haircuts & shoes that are shiny

I’m not sure you’d last too long in the Isa

In a world that’s top heavy with political correctness & everyone in a constant state of ‘watching what you say’ so as not to offend

Mt Isa is a breath of fresh air

Today when I was buying coffee, the young girl who took my order kept having to adjust her apron ’cause it was slipping off

Me: Must be nice to be that skinny that your clothes keep slipping off

Her: Yeah but it’s a bastard that I gotta do the fucker up so tight that it cuts into me bladder and I gotta piss every half an hour

Bet your local (city) coffee barrister doesn’t open up to YOU like that when you pick up your morning brew!

Then while I was waiting for the coffee at the end of the counter I couldn’t help overhearing the two ladies next to me sharing the details of their sex-apades last night

Lady 1: Well, was he good?

Lady 2: He was alright

Lady 1: I reckoned he’d be good when I seen him in the pub

Lady 2: He was alright

Lady 1: Why just alright?

Lady 2: Well it was good and shit, and we was having fun but then the arsehole went and pissed on me

Lady 1: He pissed on you?

Lady 2: Yep. And he didn’t even ask me first

You KNOW I had snot come out of my nose after hearing this. ‘Cause she wasn’t mad that her fella pissed on her. She was dark ’cause he didn’t ASK her first.

I told you you couldn’t make this shit up

Then Mum & I headed over to a little beautician to get our toenails painted. Because mine look like arse, plus I’m trying to take my mind off the fact that my laptop blew up yesterday. And I no I don’t want to talk about it. Warranty you ask? Why yes, I totally have one of those. Of course I do. It expired TWO FUCKING WEEKS AGO.

Anyhoo

At the beautician, the young nail technician was telling us that she had been to see the show last night

But after spending an hour in her company, I’ve decided she could have BEEN in the show

She was telling me how she’d just dropped her daughter at school and was approached by the Principal, who asked if she could please refrain from swearing so much

What a fucking bitch hey? Stupid slut telling me that I can’t fucking speak how I want to fucking speak. What’s the fucking world coming to hey?

And on the subject of her mother

What a fucking pisshead she is. Ask me to drop her down the pub and I go to pick up the old tart and she’s fucking legless already. I mean, for fuck’s sake Mum!

I left there pretty sure that we’re related

This town is just a fun place to be

It’s refreshing to be around people that don’t give a shit

And don’t know any other way than to just say what’s on their minds and tell it like it is

This weekend the Mt Isa rodeo is on

It’s the biggest rodeo in the Southern Hemisphere

The tourists and rodeo fans have been flooding in all week

I hope all the visiting cowboys appreciate just how unique this little place is

I already know that this is where I’m heading to when it’s time to write my next album

I think I’ll just head to the Isa when it’s time to write anything, full stop

You hang around here long enough

And the shit just writes itself

Or any of you that were IN South Africa during the world cup

More specifically, any of you who were in South Africa for the world cup who used one of those stupid fucking vuvuzelas

I wanted to show you how they were made

I think this is payback enough for all the fucking noise you lot made during every God damn soccer game

Now go brush your teeth

*thanks Brett

Actually, I spent $30

I bought 2 sets

And it has turned the girls into mermaids

You think I’m kidding?

They have spent HOURS immersed in water since they got them

Talking to each other in sign language

Miss 4′s a little limited with her signs

But you get the point

And you probably can’t tell – but she’s totally smiling here

They are loving their new water apparatuses (yeah, I had to spell check that one)

Their skin is permanently pruney

And their hair is suffering the consequences of the constant chlorine

And they couldn’t be happier

It’s a beautiful thing to watch

Just ask their lifeguard…

I try to leave fun stuff behind for the girls to play with

Besides Diamond

I used to leave little treasure hunts with clues all around the house

Then we got Fluffy

And realised that he can digest Polly Pockets whole

Have you ever tried to rinse doggy guts off doll that’s smaller than Gary Coleman’s pecker your Papa toe?

It’s the total opposite of awesome

The last few times I’ve been at the shops with the girls they have stopped at the Littlest Pet Shop section

And did the little happy dance that I would do if Yellow Tail Merlot was on sale little kids do when they’re excited

They would ooh & aah over these little plastic animals

And ask how many more sleeps until their birthday or Christmas so that maybe they could get one

And I’m all, it’s about 200 bazillion days away

Buuuut, if I get back from tour and Daddy doesn’t have any new grey hairs on his head

Then Mummy & Daddy might get them for you

And this elicited a double-whammy-spazzo-version of the happy dance

So, because I’m so tough and strict and no I’m not

I went back to the store later on by myself & bought the merlot that was on sale Littlest Pet Shop TRIPLETS

And left them with Diamond to be used as bribery when it became necessary given to the girls if they were being total bad-arses

And by bad-arses, I mean good

He held out 2 days

Go Diamond you soft cock

So since they received their Triplet Hamsters & Triplet Puppies

The girls have NOT STOPPED TALKING ABOUT THEM

PLAYING WITH THEM

SLEEPING WITH THEM

OBSESSING ABOUT THEM

Miss 6 has built hers a house out of a shoe box

That she tells me has solar power, a vet clinic, restaurant, nail salon & shuttle launch

Miss 4 always has bandaids and lipstick on her ‘TROOPWUTTS’ as she calls them

I’ve tried correcting her, honey it’s TRIP-LETS, not TROOPWUTTS

Can you say TRIP?

TRIP!

Can you says LETS?

LETS!

OK, now just put them together & say TRIP-LETS

TROOPWUTTS!!

Oh well

.

These things have become a total currency in our house

If you don’t practice piano you won’t get to play with your Triplets

If you sleep in past 6am you can watch TV with your Triplets

Everytime I talk to Diamond he’s like, you HAVE GOT TO GET MORE of these

These little plastic pieces of crap are GOLD in this house

Buy all of them, EVERYTHING they have

With these Triplets, we finally have the POWER

And I’m all like, are you TELLING me what to do?

He says, no, I’m BEGGING you

Oh, OK good

So I went straight onto amazon.com and bought whatever else they had

I didn’t tell Diamond yet

I told him I’d see what I could find

Let him sweat it out for a few days

‘Til they get delivered on Saturday

And then the 3 of them will be running around the house singing, Mummy’s the best! Mummy’s the best!

Who says you can’t buy love?

Give me $30, and I’ll prove you wrong!

Like, I REALLY like it A LOT

I think we’ve established that

Not sure what that says about me

Oh wait, yeah I do

Sad, can’t mind my own business, get a life

Yeah, yeah

I mean, I know it’s not a good thing sometimes

And there’s every chance you’ll end up hearing something you don’t want to hear

Remember THIS ONE?

And then other times it can be educational

Like when we LEARNT ANOTHER LANGUAGE

Well today it was just funny

Quick question first:

Is it even eavesdropping if you’re listening in on your own kids?

In your own house?

Even if they’re in THEIR toy room?

With the door closed?

Get back to me on that couldya?

So the girls are the toy room

They wanted to watch a movie

I said, SURE

They said, YAY

I said, after you clean your toy room

They said, WHAT THE FUCK MUM BOO!

Then they went in, shut the door and did not start to clean

After a while, I hear them yelling

Miss 6: You are NOT helping clean up

Miss 4: I don’t want to

Miss 6: You HAVE to

Miss 4: You are NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Miss 6: You know, at school they teach us to treat people the way YOU want to be treated. And right now, you’re not treating me very nicely. Is that how you want me to treat you?

Miss 4: I don’t CARE.

Miss 6: You need to LEARN things. You don’t want to end up a dummy do you? I can help you if you let me TEACH you. You know that Daddy taught me that we should work as a TEAM. We’ll get everything done faster.

Miss 4: Well Daddy taught me that I can do ANYTHING if I try hard enough. And I am trying very hard to NOT clean up

Miss 6: Well you know what Mummy taught me?

Miss 4: What?

Miss 6: She taught me that if we don’t be good – we don’t get good things. So if we don’t clean our toy room, we don’t get to watch a movie

Miss 4: Well  you know what Mummy taught me?

Miss 6: What?

Miss 4: To chew with my mouth closed.

Aaaannd to always wipe from front to back

At this point Miss 6 storms off….huffing and puffing

And her sister keeps yelling out from the toy room

And she taught me to pick my nose with a TISHEEEEWWWW!

And to wash my hands after I scratch my bum A LOOOOOOT!

And that I have to wear underwear to SCHOOOOOOL!

And to not let the dog sniff my PEEEE PEEEEE!

And to…..

.

That kid is so fucking funny

She’d be twice as funny if she was YOUR kid!

Go Granny!

A poem

Written just for me

By Miss 6

MY MOMMY IS SO NICE

SHE SCARES AWAY THE MICE

I’M SO GLAD THAT MY MOM

DIDN’T DECIDE TO CALL ME TOM

SHE IS SWEETER THAN ALL THE HONEY

AND LOVES ME MORE THAN ALL THE MONEY

And while I’m glad I scare away the mice that we don’t have

And am sweet sometimes

I was happy that she told me that, Duh Mommy, I KNOW you love me more than money

But it was the best word that rhymed with honey

Bunny just didn’t quite work, you know?

Yeah I know

Just wait ’til she’s older and realises the limited rhyming words there are for FUCK!

And then I’ll be all, yeah, welcome to MY world kiddo

Anyhoo

If you add the above poem to the handmade flower pot-slash-pencil holder-slash-clay thinga-ma-jiggy that Miss 4 gave me

Aaaand the sleep in ’til 9am

It was indeed, THE best Mother’s Day ever

How was yours?

Who, on his site says we’re all going to hell for laughing at this

.

But wait

It gets soooo much BETTER!!

I did a double-snort-nearly-piss-myself over THIS version

Made my fucking day!