my kiwi edu-ma-cation

Things that New Zealand has taught me

  1. My credit card will forever cry out in pain whenever I walk into a Pumpkin Patch but Macaroni & Magoo will look cute
  2. Electric blankets do not a husband make, but damn they’re awesome on cold nights
  3. Nothing puts Mum into a tail spin like a faulty washing machine, or a dicky iron
  4. And while we’re on the subject of Mum, don’t fuck with her, you WILL lose
  5. When in NZ, apparently it’s the Australians who become the sheep shaggers (like fuck we do)
  6. All Māori people can sing. Without exception, really, really well
  7. Driving through NZ is like being in the middle of a big arse, month long postcard. Not one day has gone by without some kind of mind blowing scenery
  8. Kiwi crowds are THE best to try out new songs on. You can blame 3/4 of the next album on them!
  9. I can eat rack of lamb for dinner EVERY FUCKING NIGHT thankyouverymuch
  10. THE most essential tool I have for touring is Skype
  11. This country is like a second home for Mum & Dad – complete with friends in every town & city – and you know what that means….morning tea and scones…huzzah!
  12. NZ is the only country I’ve been to more than twice, where I still souvineer shop. I can’t get enough of the artwork over here….lurve it! Diamond if you’re reading this, Imma gonna need a bigger house!
  13. Māoris make THE cutest babies on the planet but I couldn’t find where to buy one
  14. It doesn’t matter if you go to the gym every day, the rack of lamb and hokey pokey will always win and my pants will come a fat second
  15. 8 out of 10 TV channels have rugby showing, 24 hours a day
  16. I’ve always believed that Aussies have the best sense of humour on the planet…but I think it might just be a draw now with our Kiwi cousins, funny fuckers
  17. When I’m cold I whinge. A LOT
  18. Yelling your box off at the GPS will get you nowhere. I’m serious, we’ve been to nowhere at least 5 times this trip
  19. For a country that, since we’ve been here, has had an earthquake, a tornado and been covered in an ash cloud fuck, maybe we’re bad luck? – the peeps here do NOT STOP SMILING. And it’s contagious                                                                                                                                                                     
  20. You CAN do a u-turn on a major freeway if your in your sixties and your life’s motto is DILLIGAF
  21. When Dad starts over-sharing with gems like, “Man, my nut sack was on the wrong side of my pants for the whole second half of my show tonight. Talk about uncomfortable” – it must be nearly time to go home



to do list

my Sunday to do list:

1. pack

2. clean

not really my house, ok mum? I wish my house was this clean

3. paperwork

4. go to church

4. water the plants

5. eat

(confession: this picture is NOT ACTUALLY me)

6. exercise

7. shower

8. get dressed

and last, but not least

9. spend some seksi time with Diamond


Or I could just go back to bed

the procrastinator

Yep, that’s me

I am a lot of things

short, freckly, totally hot

But right now, princess procrastinator would be the hat that’s glued to my head I’m wearing

Getting ready to go back to work next week after a big break

I’ve been home since the end of November

So Diamond is ready for me to get the fuck outta here it’s time to get my shit together

About a month before I start touring I compile the big list

I’m a list nut

They’re in my bag

My pockets

On my phone

I made a big list a few weeks ago

Of all the things I needed to get done before I leave

Everything from buying new guitar strings

To sewing the patches on Miss 6 girl scouts uniform

Taking the girls to the dentist blah, blah, blah


As you can imagine

I have been flat out

Ignoring the fuck out of said list

And with less than 72 hours until I leave

I’m looking at the bottle of red on the kitchen counter

Thinking that a glass or two is about the only thing that’s going to help me get all this done

So what if it’s 8am

I’m sure I can get most of it sorted out in time

But the truth?

I’d rather be doing this

Watching these two

Laughing at their lack of skills with them

Just hanging out with my babies

Trying not to freak out at how they’re growing every minute

That I’m going to miss out on something they do or say

I’m so lucky I love my job

But I really do need to get them playing the guitar more

Then they can be my support act

And come with me!

Problem solved bitches


Can the support act even have a support act?