Things that New Zealand has taught me

1. My credit card will forever cry out in pain whenever I walk into a Pumpkin Patch but Macaroni & Magoo will look cute
2. Electric blankets do not a husband make, but damn they’re awesome on cold nights
3. Nothing puts Mum into a tail spin like a faulty washing machine, or a dicky iron
4. And while we’re on the subject of Mum, don’t fuck with her, you WILL lose
5. When in NZ, apparently it’s the Australians who become the sheep shaggers (like fuck we do)
6. All Māori people can sing. Without exception, really, really well
7. Driving through NZ is like being in the middle of a big arse, month long postcard. Not one day has gone by without some kind of mind blowing scenery
8. Kiwi crowds are THE best to try out new songs on. You can blame 3/4 of the next album on them!
9. I can eat rack of lamb for dinner EVERY FUCKING NIGHT thankyouverymuch
10. THE most essential tool I have for touring is Skype
11. This country is like a second home for Mum & Dad – complete with friends in every town & city – and you know what that means….morning tea and scones…huzzah!
12. NZ is the only country I’ve been to more than twice, where I still souvineer shop. I can’t get enough of the artwork over here….lurve it! Diamond if you’re reading this, Imma gonna need a bigger house!
13. Māoris make THE cutest babies on the planet but I couldn’t find where to buy one
14. It doesn’t matter if you go to the gym every day, the rack of lamb and hokey pokey will always win and my pants will come a fat second
15. 8 out of 10 TV channels have rugby showing, 24 hours a day
16. I’ve always believed that Aussies have the best sense of humour on the planet…but I think it might just be a draw now with our Kiwi cousins, funny fuckers
17. When I’m cold I whinge. A LOT
18. Yelling your box off at the GPS will get you nowhere. I’m serious, we’ve been to nowhere at least 5 times this trip
19. For a country that, since we’ve been here, has had an earthquake, a tornado and been covered in an ash cloud fuck, maybe we’re bad luck? – the peeps here do NOT STOP SMILING. And it’s contagious                                                                                                                                                                     
20. You CAN do a u-turn on a major freeway if your in your sixties and your life’s motto is DILLIGAF
21. When Dad starts over-sharing with gems like, “Man, my nut sack was on the wrong side of my pants for the whole second half of my show tonight. Talk about uncomfortable” - it must be nearly time to go home

my Sunday to do list:

1. pack

2. clean

not really my house, ok mum? I wish my house was this clean

3. paperwork

4. go to church

4. water the plants

5. eat

(confession: this picture is NOT ACTUALLY me)

6. exercise

7. shower

8. get dressed

and last, but not least

9. spend some seksi time with Diamond

.

Or I could just go back to bed

Yep, that’s me

I am a lot of things

short, freckly, totally hot

But right now, princess procrastinator would be the hat that’s glued to my head I’m wearing

Getting ready to go back to work next week after a big break

I’ve been home since the end of November

So Diamond is ready for me to get the fuck outta here it’s time to get my shit together

About a month before I start touring I compile the big list

I’m a list nut

They’re in my bag

My pockets

On my phone

I made a big list a few weeks ago

Of all the things I needed to get done before I leave

Everything from buying new guitar strings

To sewing the patches on Miss 6 girl scouts uniform

Taking the girls to the dentist blah, blah, blah

.

As you can imagine

I have been flat out

Ignoring the fuck out of said list

And with less than 72 hours until I leave

I’m looking at the bottle of red on the kitchen counter

Thinking that a glass or two is about the only thing that’s going to help me get all this done

So what if it’s 8am

I’m sure I can get most of it sorted out in time

But the truth?

I’d rather be doing this

Watching these two

Laughing at their lack of skills with them

Just hanging out with my babies

Trying not to freak out at how they’re growing every minute

That I’m going to miss out on something they do or say

I’m so lucky I love my job

But I really do need to get them playing the guitar more

Then they can be my support act

And come with me!

Problem solved bitches

.

Can the support act even have a support act?

1. chocolate without guilt
2. sleeping in on Saturdays
3. walking out of a shoe shop with lots of bags
4. hearing my kids belly laugh
5. sunsets over water
6. zipping up my favourite jeans with ease
7. my 10 year old ugg bots
8. snow on Christmas day
9. meeting people after the show
10. going to the movies
11. long, hot showers
12. cold milk
13. online shopping
14. reading a good book
15. a good bottle or 5 of red with friends
16. date night with Diamond
17. writing a new song
18. flying
19. soft, clean sheets on the bed
20. hotels with good internet
21. my house
22. dancing to the radio
23. bras that fit
24. being on time
25. cheap, tacky jewellery
26. fresh seafood
27. lipstick that stays put
28. kids with manners
29. reading the paper
30. starbucks latte
31. nice shaped eyebrows
32. driving my Dad’s car
33. walking Fluffy
34. hearing old stories from my Nan & Pop
35. a fully charged iphone
36. soft toilet paper
37. swimming in freshwater
38. Lancelin
39. homemade gifts from my girls
40. Christmas
41. my job
42. grocery shopping at 3am
43. my guitars
44. drivers who give way
45. old people who chew with their mouths closed
46. 50s & 60s music
47. black clothes
48. getting my hair washed at the hairdressers
49. Cyndi Lauper
50. & you!