Can’t drag yourself away from Twitter?

Don’t want to miss a enemies friend’s status update on Facebook?

Then grab yourself one of these ugly fucking things must have loser pillows cushions for those who like to power nap while they network

Although, it looks a bit masturbate-y to me

Like guys should stick on their lap

And start ratlin’ the sperm bank

Or is that just the way my brain works?

Don’t answer that

Would you use one?

Alternatively, you could just save your money for cheese puffs and beer

And just take your laptop to bed like I do

Nah

Why just limit myself to resolutions that I’ll no doubt fail at by the 3rd day of January

I have all year to break promises to myself

In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that I will, at some point this year

Vow to lose weight

Promise myself to write more songs

Swear I’ll get started on that ‘book’ I’ve been meaning to write (for 5 years)

Try to stay organised (for more than 2 hours at a time)

Want to dance more with my girls

Really want to have a holiday with my husband

Do anything to get more sleep

Wanna kill at least one fellow passenger on a flight to somewhere

Piss myself off for all the half-finished lists I have all over the place

But

I did do ONE thing I’ve been meaning to do for like, oh I dunno

10 FUCKING YEARS

So that’s a start, right?

I cleaned out my closet

Yes I did

All 3 of them

It was so chocka block with clothes & crap that,

I truly believed would fit me again one day

I truly believed I would wear, even though they still have the tags on them years later

I truly believed would come back into fashion

Anyhoo

I finally did it

And this was the halfway mark

I also purged 53 pairs of shoes & boots

And possibly got rid of some of Diamond’s tragic 80′s jeans

Accidentally of course

The car is loaded to the brim

The local Goodwill Store is not going to know what hit them

It’ll be a tsunami of sequins, platform shoes, cowboy hats, slutty dresses, leopard print coats & pleather pants

There’s about to be some very happy trannies around these parts

Happy New Year!

I’m just home

Which means not much time for blogging and the like

And that’s more than OK

‘Cause I’m making the most of spending 24/7 with the fam

Pretty soon they’ll be begging me to go back to work (code for get the fuck outta here)

I’m sure there’s a bucket load of work stuff that I shouldn’t be ignoring and could be doing

Like writing

Or working on stuff for the new DVD

But dude, it’s SUMMER here in Chicago

As in, the SUN IS OUT motherfuckers

We wait SO long for that over here, that it’s hard to stay inside and be productive

When I’d rather hang outside by the pool, and do fuck all

Although today, it is hotter than an Ethiopian runner’s ball sack

So we’ve been doing all the indoor stuff

We just got back from the library

Where some old biatch lectured me about the rules, and how dancing with my kids in the public library, was against them

I asked her to show me where exactly the rules said that

But it was hard to get into a shit flight with an octogenarian, whilst simultaneously setting a how-not-to-act-like-a-crack-whore-in-public example for the kids

So I let the volunteer-grey-nurse-nazi tear me a new one

And I smiled

And walked away

As Miss 6 asked, are ALL old people that grumpy?

And Miss 4 wanted to know, why the mean lady had a beard

So we got outta there before I got busted again

This time for snort laughing & high fiving with children

.

Now they’re over hanging out with me

And are playing the game they like to call the ‘secret sister’s club’

That I can’t play because I’m a Mummy

And I won’t let them jump on me ’cause it hurts like a bastard and I bruise easily

And not having a sister makes me ineligible too

Whatever

I’ll just wait

They’ll totally want to play with me again soon

They’ll be begging me to go swimming

And not just because they’re not allowed to go in the pool without me

It’s because they LOVE ME

DUH!

And I tried to rename it

But nothing worked quite as well as fuck this shit

So fuck this shit it is

I don’t like to whinge

Lie

Yes I do

And I’m pretty good at it too

But losing weight sucks arse

Big time

And it’s my own fault

If I could just be more consistent with the whole, ‘sensible eating’ rah rah bullshit that all the skinny bitches from TV are always preaching

I wouldn’t keep stacking on the weight in spades

And having so much fucking work to do to get it off again

And there are no excuses

But between having babies, miscarriages & a love for anything chocolate covered

My size in clothes is starting to look like a phone number

And I’m done

And I’ve said I’m done before

But this time I mean it

Just like I meant it last time

And the time before that

But come on guys, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day (but if they made it out of french fries I could’ve demolished that fucking town in HALF that time)

And it’s not just because we’re filming for a live DVD in South Africa in 2 months

OK, yes it is

I just don’t like exercising, any kind

But I do love food, every kind

Perfect recipe for a lifetime of freaking out every time I hit the scales

But I want to be healthy too

I don’t want to be the fat Mum

I want to point & make jokes about the fat Mum

Which is very hard to do when I AM the fat Mum

So far on this tour I have worked out every day, except one

But there was one day I worked out twice, so that totally means I’ve done it every day huzzaaaah!

And I just fucking hate it

Exercising is dangerous you guys

I have a workout video

A bootcamp DVD where this huge black man yells at me through the TV and counts to 8 over and over and over

And I have to kick my legs and jump and drop to the floor and jump up again and kick

It makes me SWEATY

Like, YUK!

And it makes be break shit too

So far this tour, I’ve kicked over 2 coffee tables, ripped a set of curtains and knocked the legs off a king size bed

And the noises I’m making are not pretty

But it must sound like I’m having some kind of kinky-orgy-masturbating-festival in my room

Judging by the hi-5 & the wink the guy in the next room gave me when he saw me checking out this morning

Exercising just makes me want to stab someone

I hate dieting, so I thought it would be quicker to just stop eating altogether

So I did

And after 45 minutes I got dizzy and had to be brought back around by the contents of the mini bar

It was a close call

Like today, I’m on the treadmill

Why can’t all those fucking machines be the same?

I like it whent you can just keep pressing the UP arrow, to work out the speed you want to go

But this one didn’t have it, so I had to just pick a number

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t press 16 instead of 6 and I flew off that mother fucker like a ninja turtle having a seizure

But I got back on

And then my iPod, which was on shuffle, started playing the theme to Ghostbusters and I was all like, how the FUCK did THAT song get on there, but then my mind wondered and I started singing along, doing a little bit of a dance….who ya gonna call??

And fell off the fucking treadmill again

AAAAANNNND I don’t have a holder for my iPod, so I just stick it down the front of my sports bra but the jolt of the second fall made it fly out and hit me in the fucking nose

So now I’m limping around like an has-been boxer with a fat schnozz

But hey, my cholesterol is down

Woop-dee-fucking-doo

I just want to get to the point that I can watch myself on DVD without running from the room screaming

So if you see me with a chocolate in my mouth, please take it from me

I will probably try and hurt you

But you should still take it from me

If you see me with a glass of wine

Step the fuck back bitches – I’m not giving up everything

I even have an app for my iPhone called ‘LOSE IT’

Where I enter in all the food I eat each day and it tells me I’m still a fat ho and laughs in my face how many calories I’ve eaten

I’ve been sticking to it so far

I even went as far as NOT eating an apple yesterday because it would have meant I wouldn’t have enough calories left to have a wine after the show

Apple or wine?

Like anyone would pick a fucking apple

I was really tempted to take a BEFORE pic in my underwear and post it on here

NOT

People who do that are b-r-a-v-e, BRAVE

Me – no fucking way dude

Exhibit A

What I wanted for dinner was this

And these

Followed by this

And what I HAD for dinner is this wank lettuce crap

Again I say, fuck this shit

.

It’s probably kinda stupid even writing about it all

‘Cause I see a lot of you guys who read this

Like, all the time

And next time I do

And I look even bigger ’cause I gave up on this shit and just ordered room service no different

You’re going to feel all uncomfortable about what to say

You know what?

Just do us all a favour and tell me I look like I’ve lost weight

Even if I haven’t

It’ll be better for the friendship

Especially if you’ve gained a few yourself

That would make me happy

A good friend?

Not really

But happy?

Fuckin’ oath

Lots and lots of

Sleeping

With a nap or two thrown in

Got up to eat a couple of times

And then, yep, you guessed it

I went back to sleep

The perfect way to ring in the new decade I reckon

It’s vegging out at it’s finest