“Why Can’t WE have ads like THIS on TV?”

I can’t remember if I posted this one or not yet

So, if I AM repeating-posting it

Just know that it is ENTIRELY on purpose

‘Cause it’s just bloody funny

With a shitload of pictures attached

But as I was scrolling through the photos

I was like, dude, there is nothing in ANY of these pics that I couldn’t have thought of myself

And I have a vagina!

So here they are, in no particular order

I give you things that any (dumb arse) one, male OR female

Could totally have fixed:

You call this ugly

I call it creative landscaping

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This?

What the fuck could be so valuable in this hoopty  crap heap, that you had to PADLOCK it?

Your kids maybe?

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Diamond fixed the air in my car last week

After I told him that this was my ‘fix it’ plan

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There’s no other word for this pic but stupid

Stupid, stupid, STUPID

How else could you defend, that amongst all those bottles and cables

There is not ONE bottle of sunscreen

It’s like they’re ASKING to die from skin cancer

Arseholes

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We so needed this yesterday afternoon when Diamond was grilling for the masses

Next week, I’m going to crank out this utensil and just let the shock & awe of our guests wash over me

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Yo, who’s the perve sneaking into my bathroom and taking pics?

They’re obviously jealous as all get out of, not only my inventive methods of water supply

But also my uncanny knack for interior design

Eat my mould Martha Stewart

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What’s to bitch about here?

At least the dude is FIXING his truck

And probably about to be crushed to death in the process

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Who says Lego’s just for kids?

I do, you pair of fruitloops

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I’m not convinced that whatever this is, is even fixed

It’s a bomb, right?

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This is just awesome

What the point of wearing a helmet, when you’re going to die anyway?

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Another brilliant use for an empty Sprite bottle

Besides a bong

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This is fixed?

I’d love to see the ‘before’ pic

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Who hasn’t done this with a CD at some point?

It better not be a Jenny Talia CD though

Or I might just have to cut a bitch

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I’m not sure a slab of concrete would have been my first choice to fix the gear stick on a car

A resin coated Scorpion is ALWAYS plan A

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This is fixed?

And these parts, that thar letter box is just plain fancy

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Just awesome

Although the note could have been written more effectively, like

Please do not move stool

You dumb fuck

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Another fabbo idea right here

Go to the shop – buy meat – steal trolley – use stolen trolley to cook meat

Genius

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And my favourite

I would jump on board if I saw this little ‘go get ‘em’ mobile limping past

The dude looks like he could use a friend

*thanks Brett

On of them is SCARYMOMMY

I like her

She’s smart, funny

And occasionally says fuck

I like that in a blogger

Then she did  a post on ‘how to be a good wife’

And I’m all, ‘scuse me?

What is this fuckery?

This blogger, who I totally thought was one of us

Was preaching about the virtues of ‘obeying’ your husband

It was a big lecture in submissive bullshit

And the feminazis reckon I take the women’s movement back 100 years?

SCARYMOMMY had us all back wearing aprons and kissing our husband’s arses

Polishing their shoes & their knobs

While serving up a 3 course meal

Then she posted this video

And I was ready to find out her address & go to her house and bitch slap her upside the head for being an utter doormatted fucktard

Turns out she was *taking the piss

So now who’s the fucktard?

A GULLIBLE FUCKTARD??

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*Aussie speak for ‘making a dick out of me fun of’

Or do get a chance & have nothing to say

On the days where I have the time, but am being a lazy mole not the inclination

You can usually find me on TWITTER

And I’m not posting anything hilariously rib cracking there

I am a lazy mole remember? assure you

What I’m usually doing there is checking out other people’s tweets

And I’ve got to tell you

There are some funny-as-fuck mother-fuckers out there

And I think they all have twitter accounts

Here’s some of my faves:

This one’s from RYAN DRAKE who I don’t know – but have decided he’s quite the funny bastard

This is a new one I’ve just started following: AUBREY, who I don’t know either, but her tweets make me laugh. Hard.

This chick, DEBBIE B, has a few thousand followers on twitter. I bet she has tens of thousands real soon. I love her. Oh yeah, I don’t know her either. Hmmmm, I’m sensing a pattern here

UNCLE DYNAMITE, who constantly spits out hilarious tweets says he’s from Tasmania. A funny Tasmanian. Wow, who knew?? (I KID Tasmania! See you next month. MWAAHH XOXO)

OK, again someone I don’t know at all. Either I’m a stalker, or I have NO funny friends of my own. Either way it’s kinda sad Jelisa Castrodale is a funny, funny lady

There’s a reason that KELLY OXFORD has over 25,000 followers on twitter. She’s witty, funny and extra politically incorrect. Which is just how we like ‘em, isn’t it? And yeah, yeah, she’s a total stranger. Get fucked you lot.

And last, but DEFINITELY not least is this lady from FUCK YEAH MOTHERHOOD, who has a real name. And guess what? I know it! And I kinda know her too. She’s like my new cyber-twitter-bloggy-buddy

And to add to her awesomeness she likes me too she has ANOTHER blog here @ THE CHECKOUT GIRL. So, she’s like double the funny! If I find out she’s pretty too, I’m pretty sure we’re not going to be able to be friends any more

So, if you’re into TWITTER and you’re not already following these guys, you should

You totally should

You can thank me later with beer

You can follow me (and my incoherent ramblings [in 140 characters or less])

By clicking on my twitter page here

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Or for the facebookers out there

You can join my facebook fan page by clicking here

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And for everyone else?

Ummm….

Have a nice day? you techno challenged freaks

Over an ad about seatbelts

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What?

I said ALMOST

And Miss 4 just about lost her shit

She was soooo excited

Bouncing around to it

I think she gets her taste in music  from her father

She also has his freaky toes

So we looked for Leo Sayer on youtube

And look what we found?

Leo Sayer AND the MUPPETS

Which is a shitload better than the Leo Sayer & the fucking Wiggles version we found

I’ve come through parenthood pretty unscathed by the whole Wiggles pandemic

I’m not starting now

Anyhooo

I showed this to Miss 4

And she just about flipped the fuck out her lid

I’m almost had to peel her off the roof

So now we’ve established that she’s a fan of crap music Leo Sayer

Oh happy days

NOT

Or she’s a crack addict

So of course, I have 2 girls

And you know what?

It’s fucking awesome

Case in point

Today, ’cause mummy was hungover in relaxing mode

We decided to play beauty shop

Which basically consisted of me, instructing them

In the art of hand massage, foot massage & head massage

While I laid on the couch

And they practiced

On me

And let me tell you

I have hit the mother fucking jackpot with these girls

The whole time

They’re like, mummy, this is so much fun

Can we do this all the time?

I love rubbing your feet

And I’m saying, well only on special days

Like the ones that end in Y

Holy snapping duckshit batman, what a shit hot way to treat your hangover spend a Sunday

I didn’t take any pics

‘Cause that would have required me getting off my arse the couch

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So I thought I’d see what google images had for me

If I typed in massage

What the fucking FUCK is THIS?

Massages are supposed to be RELAXING

Kinda hard to do when you’re all Medusa-ed out with snakes up your clacker

No thank you very fucking much

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So then I typed in ‘facial’

To get a pic to use

And I got this

Google has a dirty mind is fucked up

10 THINGS

I know, like you gave a shit right?

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Anyhoo

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You know how they say, ‘FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS DRINK & DRIVE TEXT?’

It makes me soooo glad I’m not single

You go out with your mates

You get a few drinks in you

And all of a sudden you’re texting that loser you met last weekend

‘Cause he wrote his name on your arm with some kind of ink that you can’t wash the fuck off

And then you wake up the next day

To see that your 28 texts were successful

He’s coming by for breakfast!

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So while I don’t have this kind of dilema anymore

I have found a new way to fuck with embarrass myself

When I’ve consumed 2 bottles one too many merlots

Just like friends should take your cell phone off you when you’re single and drinking

My friends or somebody that gives a fuck should limit my access to any forms communication, including taping my mouth shut, when I’m partaking in alcoholic beverages

Let me give you the 10 reasons why

1. drunk shopping on amazon.com – it’s expensive, and you end up with 2 of everything for some reason
2. emailing your 6 year old’s kindy teacher to ask her, “what the fuck’s up with all the red corrections on my kid’s homework you fucking Nazi?”                                   
3. dropping over to your neighbours house at 2am to borrow a cup of bourbon
4. trying to put a saddle on your totally big enough, but petrified, dog and riding him to the liquor store at 7am
5. ‘pinky promising’ your 6 year old daughter that you will take her to church EVERY fucking Sunday for the rest of the year
6. trying on a bikini that you wore 8 years ago, that you can only get up to your knees
7. booking a trip online to Bahamas anyway (while wearing said bikini and polishing off the Christmas candy)                                                                                 
8. promising your 4 year old a kitten when really you totally hate cats – and then having to tell her it died before the postman got it to our house ’cause he forgot to put holes in the box. Fucking postman
9. agreeing to let your great Aunty pruney bitch face Joan come visit for Easter. And then having to call her back when you sobered up to tell her your house burnt down from the great Chicago winter bush fires of ’09
10. declaring to all your facebook friends that although you’re not a lesbian, your mistress is a bit dykey

So to all the mother fuckers my friends that let this shit happen

I hope you’re proud of yourselves