Macaroni’s last basketball game tonight

Her coach couldn’t make it and had asked Diamond in advance if he could fill in for him

It’s pretty simple stuff

The kids are all young

And the coaches direct them when to dribble

Who to pass to

Where to stand

There’s no rough stuff

All very controlled and cute

With the emphasis on it being fun for the kids

There’s not a lot of skill involved

On the other team tonight was a ‘rambunctious’ little boy

And by rambunctious, I mean little shithead

He was running into all the kids

On BOTH teams

Snatching the ball out of everyone’s hands

Hitting

Generally setting an AWESOME example

For birth control

I was getting mightily pissed on the sidelines

After watching one kid after another get punched and pushed over

Now anyone that knows Diamond, knows he’s a hot head

And part Italian

Put those two together, and you understand why he’s not the regular coach

He’s knows himself too well – so he stays on the sidelines normally

With me

We always joke that if the girls want to play competitive sports when they’re older

Daddy will have to wait in the car

So imagine my surprise when Diamond didn’t say anything when the feral from the other team was going on his rampage

For 20 minutes he just bit his lip

And ignored it

Then when I thought that I would be the one to lose it

Diamond walked over to the little boy

And said quietly,

Buddy, just take it easy. We’re all hear to have fun – so you have to be a bit gentle with the other kids, OK?

The little kid nodded

Then proceeded to run over to his mother & grandmother – or maybe it was her sister

It was hard to tell when she obviously uses a cheese grater to exfoliate her face

And told them that the bad man had told him to stop playing so rough

And the Mum & Scarface the Grandmother told him to ignore the stupid man, and get out there and keep playing

Then they sat there and said what an arsehole the man, my HUSBAND, was

And that he should keep his mouth shut. Their boy watches the NBA and the Chicago Bulls play, and is only playing rough like the big boys do

And who does the stupid man think he is anyway?

That was about the time that I leaned over to them and said,

He’s the coach

And he’s my husband

Which is when they started talking in Polish

Which I don’t speak

But I’m pretty sure the look on someone’s face is universal when they call you a cunt

You were all very helpful

And were quick to let me know that the word was ‘CIPA’

Which is totally what Grandma called me

Which is why I told old hail-damage face to ‘go fuck herself’

Under my breath of course

My breath just happens to be pretty loud

I was quick to look around to see if anyone heard me

I tunred to the lady sitting behind me, to see if she had

She gave me two thumbs up

So yeah, she heard me

And yeah, she’s my new favourite

I was at my daughter’s basketball game, remember?

Which was being played at a church

So I was controlling myself

Too bad ol’ cottage-cheese-cheeks couldn’t do the same

She kept ranting and waving her arms around, gibbering

I think she was secretly totally jealous of my awesome Aussie wrinkly, pale skin & freckles

I was waiting for lightening to strike from above and kill the bitch

See, God?

It’s NOT always my fault, DUDE

 

 

I didn’t get a chance to get my hair did before I left home for this tour

You know, ’cause I was busy dying and shit

So while we’re in Melbourne

I’m heading to the hairdressers

I’m thinking of changing it up

But where to go for the inspiration?

Where do I find the latest looks?

What are the people on the street doing with their locks?

Once again, I go to the place where I always find the answers

The church of Walmart

And the absolute fucking champions that occupy their aisles

 

I’m not sure if I’m a fan of this fragile rock chemo look

But I do appreciate the sun protection the front porch of this ‘do’ would provide

Or how about a bowl cut?

Even if that bowl was more like a mushroom

That exploded and was only controlled by copious cans of aquanet

I think I’m after more of a ‘stage’ look though

Like a Bo Derek meets Cher at the National Dog Show type thing

But if sun protection is what you’re REALLY after

You can’t go pass an albino Elvis with a lid

A more natural look might be this

At one with nature sorta thing

And by nature, I’m talking a 60 year old bleached jellyfish

So many choices can leave me overwhelmed though

And sometimes I just think fuck it, I’ll wear a hat

What better than incorporating the hat with my other favourite thing?

old people Food!

Hot dog hats for all the cool kids please

But for a bit more pizzaz

I could go for a more Three Musketeers look

With heels, football socks, bifocals, fanny pack & trout pout

Then there’s always the let-your-tatas-flop-out-the-front-so-no-one-notices-what-the-fuck-is-going-on-with-your-hair

I’m a fan of that

All this looking and deciding what to do has left me nothing but exhausted

I might just chuck it up in a pony tail

And get a big ol’ back tatt

So you don’t even fucking notice

Hair & Makeup – $150

Body Waxing – $110

Custom Tattoo – $220

Sexy outfit – $200

Collagen lips – $400

Boob job – $6,000

Forgetting to tuck your nuts in

Fucking priceless

(Thanks to the 7, yes SEVEN people that thought I’d get a kick out of this & sent it to me. You know who you are.)

We’ve been making our way through North Queensland for nearly two weeks now

Leaving our mark at public toilets across the state

With a trail of “I Love My Jenny Talia” stickers

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We’ve been lucky to stay in some beautiful places

Mackay was definitely one of those

.

And as with every tour, we’ve been loving meeting some of the mad buggers that have come out to the shows

Like Kim – whose jeans now how my scribble on the bum

.

And this lovely lady

It actually took me a while to recover from the shock of meeting her

And realising that I’d finally been “OUT-blinged” by someone

But I’ve already started stocking up on glitter & sparkly things

My plan is to blow her out of the water on the next tour through these parts

Nicely of course

.

There’s been whole families come along to the show

And that makes me happy

You know, knowing my family is not the only fucked-up one out there

.

This has been my favourite shirt of the tour so far

A guy actually came to the show wearing this same shirt in the UK last year

I told him I loved it, so he GAVE it to me

OK, I may have begged a little

So Mark was lucky, he got to keep his

.

We’ve met some lovely people, like Matthew & Leanne is Innisfail

(& yeah, the main reason I put this pic in is because I’m the 2nd tallest one in it. Check THAT shit out!)

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And some crazy bastards like this mob in Ingham

HELLUP!

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Then last night in Atherton, we had a BELLY-FEST

Lots of boys wanted me to leave my mark on their gut

As they competed with each other in trying to convince me that “their” abs were better than their mates

Um…yeah I beg to differ in this case

While they had a *’how rock hard are my abs’ comp going on between them

(*code for  ’how soft is my peen)

I was running out of things to scrawl on them

They were all pretty wasted

So I’m hoping they wake up this morning, trying to put together the pieces of last night’s puzzle

And start questioning their sexuality

That would make me so happy