no I’m not

Couldn’t help myself

(For those of you that don’t know the story you can see it here)

And I have called his cell at least 20 times since then

Just to fuck with him check that it’s working

To add to his Bieber-fever – I just downloaded the new Justin Bieber Christmas album

I’ve been playing it, on repeat, for the last 2 hours

Loud

Macaroni and Magoo are stoked, and a running around saying, “…Mummy’s the greatest!”

Three guesses what Diamond is running around saying..

And yes it was

Surrounded by mountains in every direction

We decided to enjoy the view from the comfort of a paddle boat

Disguised as a pink gorilla

That’s how the classy tourists roll

We kept out distance from the others

Only because the one time we ventured close to their game or water-rugby-played-on-floating-pontoons

We got splashed big time and ended up with wet bums

Boys are such arseholes so silly sometimes

Then we felt a bit sorry for Dad

He had been in the toilet for over an hour and missed out on coming out on our ride

So we paddled back to him and offered him a ride in our homosexual Magilla Gorilla

He declined, homophobe

And opted for a phallic symbol canoe instead

There a fewer things that look more wrong than Dad, in a canoe, on a lake in Japan, rowing himself around in circles

But even more entertaining?

His dismount

Which started with a bit or reverse parking

And backseat driving from Mum

I could’ve helped them

But wanted to make sure I had the camera ready to go in case either one of them landed in the drink

Which is exactly what they’d do to me were the situation reversed

All together now….We. Are. fucked in the head Family.

Poor little pet had quite the sweat going on once he got to dry land

But wait, there’s more….but not yet ’cause I need to restring my guitars. Or find someone I can pay to do it for me.

Makes me laugh every time I look at it

EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.

I’m thinking of getting it framed

Her coach couldn’t make it and had asked Diamond in advance if he could fill in for him

It’s pretty simple stuff

The kids are all young

And the coaches direct them when to dribble

Who to pass to

Where to stand

There’s no rough stuff

All very controlled and cute

With the emphasis on it being fun for the kids

There’s not a lot of skill involved

On the other team tonight was a ‘rambunctious’ little boy

And by rambunctious, I mean little shithead

He was running into all the kids

On BOTH teams

Snatching the ball out of everyone’s hands

Hitting

Generally setting an AWESOME example

For birth control

I was getting mightily pissed on the sidelines

After watching one kid after another get punched and pushed over

Now anyone that knows Diamond, knows he’s a hot head

And part Italian

Put those two together, and you understand why he’s not the regular coach

He’s knows himself too well – so he stays on the sidelines normally

With me

We always joke that if the girls want to play competitive sports when they’re older

Daddy will have to wait in the car

So imagine my surprise when Diamond didn’t say anything when the feral from the other team was going on his rampage

For 20 minutes he just bit his lip

And ignored it

Then when I thought that I would be the one to lose it

Diamond walked over to the little boy

And said quietly,

Buddy, just take it easy. We’re all hear to have fun – so you have to be a bit gentle with the other kids, OK?

The little kid nodded

Then proceeded to run over to his mother & grandmother – or maybe it was her sister

It was hard to tell when she obviously uses a cheese grater to exfoliate her face

And told them that the bad man had told him to stop playing so rough

And the Mum & Scarface the Grandmother told him to ignore the stupid man, and get out there and keep playing

Then they sat there and said what an arsehole the man, my HUSBAND, was

And that he should keep his mouth shut. Their boy watches the NBA and the Chicago Bulls play, and is only playing rough like the big boys do

And who does the stupid man think he is anyway?

That was about the time that I leaned over to them and said,

He’s the coach

And he’s my husband

Which is when they started talking in Polish

Which I don’t speak

But I’m pretty sure the look on someone’s face is universal when they call you a cunt

You were all very helpful

And were quick to let me know that the word was ‘CIPA’

Which is totally what Grandma called me

Which is why I told old hail-damage face to ‘go fuck herself’

Under my breath of course

My breath just happens to be pretty loud

I was quick to look around to see if anyone heard me

I tunred to the lady sitting behind me, to see if she had

She gave me two thumbs up

So yeah, she heard me

And yeah, she’s my new favourite

I was at my daughter’s basketball game, remember?

Which was being played at a church

So I was controlling myself

Too bad ol’ cottage-cheese-cheeks couldn’t do the same

She kept ranting and waving her arms around, gibbering

I think she was secretly totally jealous of my awesome Aussie wrinkly, pale skin & freckles

I was waiting for lightening to strike from above and kill the bitch

See, God?

It’s NOT always my fault, DUDE

You know, ’cause I was busy dying and shit

So while we’re in Melbourne

I’m heading to the hairdressers

I’m thinking of changing it up

But where to go for the inspiration?

Where do I find the latest looks?

What are the people on the street doing with their locks?

Once again, I go to the place where I always find the answers

The church of Walmart

And the absolute fucking champions that occupy their aisles

I’m not sure if I’m a fan of this fragile rock chemo look

But I do appreciate the sun protection the front porch of this ‘do’ would provide

Or how about a bowl cut?

Even if that bowl was more like a mushroom

That exploded and was only controlled by copious cans of aquanet

I think I’m after more of a ‘stage’ look though

Like a Bo Derek meets Cher at the National Dog Show type thing

But if sun protection is what you’re REALLY after

You can’t go pass an albino Elvis with a lid

A more natural look might be this

At one with nature sorta thing

And by nature, I’m talking a 60 year old bleached jellyfish

So many choices can leave me overwhelmed though

And sometimes I just think fuck it, I’ll wear a hat

What better than incorporating the hat with my other favourite thing?

old people Food!

Hot dog hats for all the cool kids please

But for a bit more pizzaz

I could go for a more Three Musketeers look

With heels, football socks, bifocals, fanny pack & trout pout

Then there’s always the let-your-tatas-flop-out-the-front-so-no-one-notices-what-the-fuck-is-going-on-with-your-hair

I’m a fan of that

All this looking and deciding what to do has left me nothing but exhausted

I might just chuck it up in a pony tail

And get a big ol’ back tatt

So you don’t even fucking notice

Body Waxing – $110

Custom Tattoo – $220

Sexy outfit – $200

Collagen lips – $400

Boob job – $6,000

Forgetting to tuck your nuts in

Fucking priceless

(Thanks to the 7, yes SEVEN people that thought I’d get a kick out of this & sent it to me. You know who you are.)

Leaving our mark at public toilets across the state

With a trail of “I Love My Jenny Talia” stickers

.

We’ve been lucky to stay in some beautiful places

Mackay was definitely one of those

.

And as with every tour, we’ve been loving meeting some of the mad buggers that have come out to the shows

Like Kim – whose jeans now how my scribble on the bum

.

And this lovely lady

It actually took me a while to recover from the shock of meeting her

And realising that I’d finally been “OUT-blinged” by someone

But I’ve already started stocking up on glitter & sparkly things

My plan is to blow her out of the water on the next tour through these parts

Nicely of course

.

There’s been whole families come along to the show

And that makes me happy

You know, knowing my family is not the only fucked-up one out there

.

This has been my favourite shirt of the tour so far

A guy actually came to the show wearing this same shirt in the UK last year

I told him I loved it, so he GAVE it to me

OK, I may have begged a little

So Mark was lucky, he got to keep his

.

We’ve met some lovely people, like Matthew & Leanne is Innisfail

(& yeah, the main reason I put this pic in is because I’m the 2nd tallest one in it. Check THAT shit out!)

.

And some crazy bastards like this mob in Ingham

HELLUP!

.

Then last night in Atherton, we had a BELLY-FEST

Lots of boys wanted me to leave my mark on their gut

As they competed with each other in trying to convince me that “their” abs were better than their mates

Um…yeah I beg to differ in this case

While they had a *’how rock hard are my abs’ comp going on between them

(*code for  ’how soft is my peen)

I was running out of things to scrawl on them

They were all pretty wasted

So I’m hoping they wake up this morning, trying to put together the pieces of last night’s puzzle

And start questioning their sexuality

That would make me so happy

I’ve written about him before

Well, he just had a birthday

And I had decided a while ago I wanted to make him up one of those coffee table photo books

I’ve made them up for Diamond, Dad, Mum – lots of people

And they all loved them

But when my brother found out I wanted to do one for him

He said, no thanks

He didn’t want a book full of photos of himself

And I’m all like, dude you can’t fucking tell me WHAT I can get you for your birthday you’ll LOVE IT!

Still, he’s like, yeah – no thanks

I’d even started collecting pictures of him to use in the book

bastard

I started thinking – is it because he’d be embarrassed?

‘Cause it’s not like I wouldn’t blur out his family jewels, for modesty purposes

And I’d make sure I’d only use the cute pics of him

Especially the ones showcasing the awesome fashions of our youth

The sylish-ness of our (homemade) haircuts

I mean, we’ve ALWAYS celebrated our birthdays with fun stuff

Who else gets a Japanese themed six year old party?

What the fuck was THAT about Mum & Dad?

I’d even put pics of me in it too

that look like they were taken in the 1920′s

It would bring back all the fun memories of that time he tried to drown me at our grandparents house when we were kids

And we dressed like homeless people I followed him around all the fucking time constantly

Saying, can I play? Where are you going? Can I come? Slow down! I’m telling Mum!

I was such an arse pain to him the cutest little sister EVER

The photos could remind him of when we started our own cover-tune-singing-duo

And we called ourselves the ‘Flaming Groovies’

Again, what the fuck?

You would have really loved that book, big brother of mine

But I understand

You don’t want everyone seeing your picture all over the place

You’ve always been kinda private like that

You don’t want a photo book?

Then no problem bro

I respect that

Hope your birthday was happy SUCKA!!

From Naracoorte to Renmark

About 375kms

With a few of the usual piss pit stops along the way

.

There was one place we stopped

That I won’t name

Because I don’t actually KNOW the name

That will go down as THE WIERDEST stop we’ve ever had

.

In fairness to the town ‘that I don’t know the name of’

It wasn’t their fault

There happened to be a tour bus full of people pull in at the same time we did

And I use the term ‘people’ super loosely

These people, for want of a better term were fucking freaks

And I’m not even exaggerating for once

.

Let’s start with the young couple sitting on the curb outside the ladies toilets

Smoking a joint

Oh yes they were

Not the weird bit

They were covered, and I mean covered, head to toe, in tattoos

Not the weird bit

They both had white contact lenses in

Almost the weird bit

They had horns

Yes, THAT’S the weird bit

I shit you not

They’d had something imbedded in their foreheads

Two things

Under their skin, to make it look like they had horns

Total fuckery right?

So wrong

.

I didn’t have my camera

So I just kept my eyes to the ground and walked past them to the toilet

.

Then when I was IN the toilet

I heard someone, I’m assuming it was a lady

Walk in, lock the door in the cubicle next to me

And start groaning

Loudly

Then she (it?) started moaning

I couldn’t work out if she was buttering her muffin

Or pushing out a 10 pound turd

Either way, she gave me stage fright

And I got out of there before I could even do my my business

.

Then I went into to truck stop for a drink

And walked pass a little Asian midget

That made snot actually shoot out of my nose

From trying to hold my laugh in and failing miserably

He was, at most, 4 feet 5 inches

With a bright red face

That was so swollen it looked like he’d been holding his breath a year

And he waddled like a duck

With  a cucumber up his butt

And his fingers were like 10 little cocktail sausages

.

At that point I was like, fuck this

There’s no way anyone is going to believe this shit

So I went back to the car and got my camera

Walked back to the store to get some pics

But the devil horned kids had gone back to their bus

And Bruce Lee the Ballon Boy was gone too

.
I was spewin’ I didn’t catch them

.

But then there’s was this

Proof that I WAS still in the twighlight zone

.

The photos probably don’t truly convey just how HUGE this woman was

And black

Not like African American or Aboriginal black I’ve seen in my life

I’m talking INK black

And the tallest woman I’d ever see

Fuck, the tallest PERSON I’d ever seen

She just shuffled around the shop

Mumbling to herself

She looked like she was dressed up for church or something

And didn’t appear to speak English

I was stealthy taking her photo, hoping she wouldn’t see me

‘Cause I may be a solid slice of midget fatty myself

But this boot polished pogo stick could have drop kicked my arse into next week if she wanted to

She was like a 8 foot stick of licorice on steroids

.

She freaked Dad out

Mum didn’t even get out of the car

And poor Holly had to clean the windows by himself

‘Cause once I got back in the car

I was NOT coming out

Until I saw them all get back on the bus

And drive very fucking far away