Leaving our mark at public toilets across the state

With a trail of “I Love My Jenny Talia” stickers

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We’ve been lucky to stay in some beautiful places

Mackay was definitely one of those

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And as with every tour, we’ve been loving meeting some of the mad buggers that have come out to the shows

Like Kim – whose jeans now how my scribble on the bum

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And this lovely lady

It actually took me a while to recover from the shock of meeting her

And realising that I’d finally been “OUT-blinged” by someone

But I’ve already started stocking up on glitter & sparkly things

My plan is to blow her out of the water on the next tour through these parts

Nicely of course

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There’s been whole families come along to the show

And that makes me happy

You know, knowing my family is not the only fucked-up one out there

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This has been my favourite shirt of the tour so far

A guy actually came to the show wearing this same shirt in the UK last year

I told him I loved it, so he GAVE it to me

OK, I may have begged a little

So Mark was lucky, he got to keep his

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We’ve met some lovely people, like Matthew & Leanne is Innisfail

(& yeah, the main reason I put this pic in is because I’m the 2nd tallest one in it. Check THAT shit out!)

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And some crazy bastards like this mob in Ingham

HELLUP!

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Then last night in Atherton, we had a BELLY-FEST

Lots of boys wanted me to leave my mark on their gut

As they competed with each other in trying to convince me that “their” abs were better than their mates

Um…yeah I beg to differ in this case

While they had a *’how rock hard are my abs’ comp going on between them

(*code for  ’how soft is my peen)

I was running out of things to scrawl on them

They were all pretty wasted

So I’m hoping they wake up this morning, trying to put together the pieces of last night’s puzzle

And start questioning their sexuality

That would make me so happy

I’ve written about him before

Well, he just had a birthday

And I had decided a while ago I wanted to make him up one of those coffee table photo books

I’ve made them up for Diamond, Dad, Mum – lots of people

And they all loved them

But when my brother found out I wanted to do one for him

He said, no thanks

He didn’t want a book full of photos of himself

And I’m all like, dude you can’t fucking tell me WHAT I can get you for your birthday you’ll LOVE IT!

Still, he’s like, yeah – no thanks

I’d even started collecting pictures of him to use in the book

bastard

I started thinking – is it because he’d be embarrassed?

‘Cause it’s not like I wouldn’t blur out his family jewels, for modesty purposes

And I’d make sure I’d only use the cute pics of him

Especially the ones showcasing the awesome fashions of our youth

The sylish-ness of our (homemade) haircuts

I mean, we’ve ALWAYS celebrated our birthdays with fun stuff

Who else gets a Japanese themed six year old party?

What the fuck was THAT about Mum & Dad?

I’d even put pics of me in it too

that look like they were taken in the 1920′s

It would bring back all the fun memories of that time he tried to drown me at our grandparents house when we were kids

And we dressed like homeless people I followed him around all the fucking time constantly

Saying, can I play? Where are you going? Can I come? Slow down! I’m telling Mum!

I was such an arse pain to him the cutest little sister EVER

The photos could remind him of when we started our own cover-tune-singing-duo

And we called ourselves the ‘Flaming Groovies’

Again, what the fuck?

You would have really loved that book, big brother of mine

But I understand

You don’t want everyone seeing your picture all over the place

You’ve always been kinda private like that

You don’t want a photo book?

Then no problem bro

I respect that

Hope your birthday was happy SUCKA!!

From Naracoorte to Renmark

About 375kms

With a few of the usual piss pit stops along the way

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There was one place we stopped

That I won’t name

Because I don’t actually KNOW the name

That will go down as THE WIERDEST stop we’ve ever had

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In fairness to the town ‘that I don’t know the name of’

It wasn’t their fault

There happened to be a tour bus full of people pull in at the same time we did

And I use the term ‘people’ super loosely

These people, for want of a better term were fucking freaks

And I’m not even exaggerating for once

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Let’s start with the young couple sitting on the curb outside the ladies toilets

Smoking a joint

Oh yes they were

Not the weird bit

They were covered, and I mean covered, head to toe, in tattoos

Not the weird bit

They both had white contact lenses in

Almost the weird bit

They had horns

Yes, THAT’S the weird bit

I shit you not

They’d had something imbedded in their foreheads

Two things

Under their skin, to make it look like they had horns

Total fuckery right?

So wrong

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I didn’t have my camera

So I just kept my eyes to the ground and walked past them to the toilet

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Then when I was IN the toilet

I heard someone, I’m assuming it was a lady

Walk in, lock the door in the cubicle next to me

And start groaning

Loudly

Then she (it?) started moaning

I couldn’t work out if she was buttering her muffin

Or pushing out a 10 pound turd

Either way, she gave me stage fright

And I got out of there before I could even do my my business

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Then I went into to truck stop for a drink

And walked pass a little Asian midget

That made snot actually shoot out of my nose

From trying to hold my laugh in and failing miserably

He was, at most, 4 feet 5 inches

With a bright red face

That was so swollen it looked like he’d been holding his breath a year

And he waddled like a duck

With  a cucumber up his butt

And his fingers were like 10 little cocktail sausages

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At that point I was like, fuck this

There’s no way anyone is going to believe this shit

So I went back to the car and got my camera

Walked back to the store to get some pics

But the devil horned kids had gone back to their bus

And Bruce Lee the Ballon Boy was gone too

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I was spewin’ I didn’t catch them

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But then there’s was this

Proof that I WAS still in the twighlight zone

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The photos probably don’t truly convey just how HUGE this woman was

And black

Not like African American or Aboriginal black I’ve seen in my life

I’m talking INK black

And the tallest woman I’d ever see

Fuck, the tallest PERSON I’d ever seen

She just shuffled around the shop

Mumbling to herself

She looked like she was dressed up for church or something

And didn’t appear to speak English

I was stealthy taking her photo, hoping she wouldn’t see me

‘Cause I may be a solid slice of midget fatty myself

But this boot polished pogo stick could have drop kicked my arse into next week if she wanted to

She was like a 8 foot stick of licorice on steroids

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She freaked Dad out

Mum didn’t even get out of the car

And poor Holly had to clean the windows by himself

‘Cause once I got back in the car

I was NOT coming out

Until I saw them all get back on the bus

And drive very fucking far away

1. pack

2. clean

not really my house, ok mum? I wish my house was this clean

3. paperwork

4. go to church

4. water the plants

5. eat

(confession: this picture is NOT ACTUALLY me)

6. exercise

7. shower

8. get dressed

and last, but not least

9. spend some seksi time with Diamond

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Or I could just go back to bed

They’re from peopleofwalmart.com

Which is the perfect site to go and visit

If you want to see Lady GaGa’s mum doing her weekly shopping

Or if you want to laugh at the redneck fuglies your having a ‘not so cute day’

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I found it made me feel like the hot mama I IS Miss World

After I’d been trying on swimsuits for my holiday

And I’m hoping that I find some of these bubble arsed specimens on the trip

To hang loose out with

And who knows, maybe we could be friends if I get wasted enough

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Yeah, We could do what friends do

Like, ummm…. I dunno

Talk about our kids and trade parenting tips

And I could pass on my breastfeeding advice

Although some people are just naturally good at it

I could maybe learn some new cellulite remedies

How cool would it be if someone could show me how to best display my ‘back boobs’?

I’m totally taking my camera just in case excited already!