My new single, WAIT is now available on iTunes

It’s my first attempt at a love song

And I think it shows a psycho softer side of me

Next release will be the LIVE DVD

Then new album!

CLICK HERE TO BUY ‘WAIT’ ON ITUNES!

CLICK HERE TO BUY ‘WAIT’ ON ITUNES!

CLICK HERE TO BUY ‘WAIT’ ON ITUNES!

 

Arrived in Auckland late last night

And drove today to Hamilton, where we’re kicking off the New Zealand tour tonight

I’m a bit knackered

But nothing that a good Nanna nap won’t fix

It’s not really all the flying that wears me out

Or the shows

Sometimes I think it’s the airports

The waiting

The carrying all your shit from one end to another

The lining up

And don’t even get me started on the security

That seems to get worse every time I travel

Especially always having to go through those new scanners at all the airports

But I’ve come to accept it

Embrace it even

I’m possibly a little more comfortable than I should be going through them these days

Why not I say!

I’ve working on the theory that the whole world really CAN be a stage

And stripper poles are optional

 

*thanks Anne

 

For those of you living under a really large rock

It’s just about here!

What, you say? You spaz

THE ROYAL WEDDING, PEOPLE

THE ROYAL WEDDING

IT’S ON FRIDAY FOR FUCK’S SAKE

CAN I TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK NOW?

Thankyouverymuch

So yeah, Will & Kat are getting hitched on Friday

And I, like a bazillion other peeps

Will probably check it out on TV

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to hold it against Willy

That some fucker at immigration was a complete wankstain

And wouldn’t even let me in the country

But I am starting to think it might have been a conspiracy

I think maybe, just maybe

They wanted to keep me away

Purely as a precaution

Not that I’m a legitimate threat

To Kate, that is

Willy’s not really my type

Premature balding and a fugly for a step-mum

Don’t make the package all that appealing

But I guarantee his bachelor party would have been a shitload more fun with me there

A little Thunder From Down Under

Jenny Talia style

All class with some Aussie arse

With a finale that included paintbrushes, vegemite, boomerangs

A stripper pole and some INXS cranked uppity UP

How’s THAT for a visual?

So yeah, whatevs

Me & my online bought souvineers, will be fine

I might even have a party of my own

Might EVEN dust off the special Union Jack nipple pasties

That I had made in size thermos lid to wear for Will and his hot ginger brother

Fanta pants

Might EVEN send the Prince a few pics

He’s on Facebook, right?

 

*for those who have been asking – I got my passport back YESTERDAY. Nearly 3 weeks after the date I was told I’d have it. Can-you-fucking-belive-that-shit?

 

I don’t mind getting up at 3:30am to go to the toilet

But the not-being-able-to-get-back-to-sleep afterwards?

Sucks balls

Big, hairy, lumberjack, balls

It’s not like I’m not tired

It’s not like I don’t love to sleep

I remember a time when I could wake up in the middle of the night

Wee

Fall back into bed

And sleep for hours

Without opening my eyes once

The whole, you-don’t-need-as-much-sleep once you get older

Is it true?

I think it should be you-don’t-GET-as-much-sleep once you get older

‘Cause I’m pretty sure I could sleep 10 hours straight if given the chance

So waking up early, what’s that called?

Besides fucking stupid

It’s not insomnia, ’cause I’ve already had 4 hours sleep, right?

Narcolepsy?

*checks google*

a sleep disorder that causes excessive sleepiness and frequent daytime sleep attacks

Sleep attacks?

I’ve been attacked IN my sleep

Mainly by midgets that call me Mummy that need hugs after a bad dream who then show their gratitude by falling asleep sideways in between Diamond & I, leaving a trail of bruised ribs and snot in their wake

What’s that other ‘N’ word?

Oh yeah, necrophillia

*back to google*

is the sexual attraction to corpses

Right then – pretty sure I don’t have THAT

Although I always had a bit of a tingly spot for Gary Coleman from Different Strokes, and he’s still dead, yeah?

.

So now that I’m wide awake

And have the Google page open for disorders that start with ‘N’

I’d like to share my gratitude for not having

Nyctophobia

a severe fear of darkness

Unless it’s like 9pm and the mall is closing

But that’s more a fear of getting kicked out of the shops before I find the shoes to match the dress that I’ll never wear but totally had to have ‘just in case’

.

Neurasthenia

Fatigue, anxiety, headaches. Americans were supposed to be particularly prone to neurasthenia, which resulted in the nickname, Americanitis

I think this would be better named ‘parenthood-itis’

Or ‘I-don’t-feel-like-sexy-time-itis’

.

Neglect Syndrome

example, a patient in a rehabilitation hospital may wake up in the morning and proceeds to shave his face – only to be told later that he has only shaved half of his face

I once was in such a hurry I only took care of ‘half’ my bikini line

But I prefer to refer to that incident as ‘accidental art’

.

Even though this one doesn’t start with ‘N’

It’s a bit weird, and therefor rates a mention

Genital Retraction Syndrome

the sufferer believes that his genitals (or breasts in the case of women sufferers) are shrinking, retracting in to the body, or may be removed entirely. It is often refered to as ‘penis panic’

I dated someone with this once

I called it little dick syndrome

You know the type girls – big car, big muscles, tiny todger.

Miss HIM

.

Relieved I don’t have any of those

Now I can sleep easy

Now is also a really good time for you to send me drugs

For medicinal purposes only

Or a Josh Groban CD

That shit will trigger a coma