I took the girls horse riding a few weeks ago

They loved it

La-la-la-lurved it!

And because I’m a genius and a manipulative mummy

I decided to use that love to my advantage

I made a chart

And promised the girls another day of horse riding

If their chart was filled with only ticks

From doing chores, homework and generally being full of asweomeness

They said no worries

As long as “I” went horse riding with them

I said sure

I was probably drunk at the time

I’m sure it’s a surprise to no one that I am not equestrianly inclined

But why the fuck not, hey?

Why the fuck not, indeed

Check me out

I couldn’t look more uncomfortable than if I was parading down the catwalk in a swimsuit at the Miss World pageant

With an unwaxed vajay-jay

Yep, THAT’s how uncomfortable I was

If you look closely you might even see some wee running down my leg

My horse’s name was Harley Spotty Botton

I called him Dot Bum

He was a sweety

And I tried to love it

But it just wasn’t my favourite

It’s not his fault I can’t relax when my fanny bone is get bounced around the park

(insert fanny bone getting bounced joke here)

Plus he kept walking me under trees

Which meant branches were whacking my in the head and I probably have brain damage

So apparently the love wasn’t mutual

At least I won’t ever have to do it again

Ever

I know this because…

Although I’d been around horses before

Until yesterday, I don’t think I’d ever ‘touched’ a horse

Yesterday, by the time I got off the horse

I was scratching like a mofo

And had hives

HIVES I say!!

I’m allergic to fucking horses

I had hives everywhere

I wish I was joking

Every-fucking-where!

Like, ON MY EYEBALLS!

No, you can’t see that pic.

 

The last few mornings

I’ve been waking up to this

Heiny and the kids having a tai-chi slash yoga slash hippy session in the lounge room

Today Mum joined in too

I just stepped over them and headed to the kitchen for my crumpets & honey

I mean, whatever floats your boat and all that

Just not my cup of tea

Except for the part where Magoo kept kept farting every time she lifted her leg

Bomber, make your eyes water, WTF has that kid been eating, style of bum burps

That, I can do

After the girls had dinner tonight

I decided to take them for a walk to grab a yummy treat

I had 15 minutes before I had to leave for work

Yes, they had their *jimmy-jams on

But I took them out anyway

Because that’s what bogan mothers who don’t give a shit I do

You can take the girl out of Kalgoorlie…

 

*M&M speak for pyjamas

After arriving back in Chicago from Melbourne on Monday night

Not much more than 24 hours later, I did what any insane biatch would do

I got up at 2:30am and headed back to the airport

And got on another plane

And flew to New York

See that dot in the middle?

That’s the Statue Of Liberty right tharr!

I had a meeting-slash-appointment that was kinda important

That I couldn’t get out of

Believe me, I tried

Anyhoo

I chose to make lemon-vodka-shots out of lemons

And planned to make the most of having a day in New York

The work stuff was over way faster than expected

And not because I fell asleep *ahem*

So that left me with a few hours before my flight home

I walked around seeing a few of the sights

I believe they call it sight-seeing?

I was getting the hang of it

Even when my legs got the occasional jetlag sway, and my eyes wouldn’t stay open

I made it to Rockefeller Plaza

Trump Tower

Saw a tourist bus that I couldn’t find the place to buy tickets for

Then I found this bad boy

New York GOLD

And the line to get some of this tucker made my decision to eat here easy

Verdict – awesome

Even with the sauce stained scarf and onion breath it left me

Took lots of pics

Wished I had a ‘big girl’ camera, so I could’ve looked all professional ‘n’ shit

And maybe ended up with better pics

Especially of Central Park (above)

And Times Square

But I came to the conclusion that it would have been a bastard to carry

And I would have either dropped it or lost it

Even tried to be like the cool kids and put me IN a pic

By taking it myself

You know you’re a shitty photographer when you can’t even get YOURSELF to look at the camera

Cool background though

Of fuck-knows what

So my New York minute

Actually it was 480 minutes

Was quick

Productive, hopefully

And wore me the fuck out

The upside?

A second lot of WECOME HOME hugs in as many days, from my babies