Was it the kids going back to school?

Or maybe a bout of gastro that wiped Magoo & I out – but at least got our post Christmas house, bleached, disinfected and spotless once again

Am I just being lazy?

It’s kind of a bit of everything

But mainly, it’s this

See, I found a way for me to stay on the treadmill for more than 8 minutes, before giving up in boredom….AND use the much neglected iPad

I found Sons of Anarchy on Netflix. And for someone that doesn’t watch television, I have FALLEN HARD.

Like, I totally understand how housewives don’t shower, ignore their families, live in sweat pants, survive on take out, and let their whole world revolve around their favourite  TV shows

My fucking God. Have you seen this show? You probably have. Because apparently the rest of the world has already known about this shit for years. It’s won Emmys, has crazy high ratings, and is heading into it’s 5th season this year, while I have been oblivious

I usually can’t sit still enough to watch episode of any show. I get fidgety, my ADD kicks in, and I head off to start and unfinish something else

But this, this is my crack, my latest obsession and possibly my downfall

I started just watching half an episode each morning on the treadmill. Which lasted 3 days. Until I caved and started carrying the iPad around like an appendage.

Cook dinner with one arm. Hold iPad and watch SOA at the same time, you get the idea. Basically, things that require 2 arms, or my full attention, are fucked until I’m up-to-date with this show

I’ve become that lady; in her pyjamas, headphones on (they swear like motherfuckers, so yeah, not for kids this one) glass of wine in one hand, iPad in the other and yell at the screen. And sometimes cry.

I do so.

I’m almost done watching the second season and I actually have a headache from all the non-stop TV watching

Once I’ve caught up on the show, I have to wait until FUCKING SEPTEMBER before the new season starts. Then watch it once a week, with ads. Like normal people.

Fuck.

Diamond says I only watch it for the blonde hottie that plays Jax

I assured him that blonde boys have never been my type except David Beckham

Plus, he may look dreamy in a biker jacket

But I bet dude wouldn’t have a clue how to build an igloo

Now, where’s the fucking iPad?

Was a perfect opportunity to bring pressies for my family and friends WITH me

Instead of sending them, like I do every year

Hence me traveling with a bazillion cases

Today I am in Alice Springs, on my way to Granites (for 2 shows)

So I didn’t NEED to bring all the suitcases WITH me here

Luckily, I was able to leave the EXTRA cases in Melbourne (thanks Graeme) and I’ll get them back later in the week, when I come back for the CROWN shows

I had all my own stuff scattered in amongst the Chrissy pressies – to try and even out the weight of all the toys ‘n shit I had packed

So responsible and organised, hey?

Of course not – this IS ME we’re talking about here

I am sitting in my Alice Springs hotel room

With a suitcase and a guitar

The guitar is a win

The suitcase? Fuck.

I’m sure it comes as a surprise to NO ONE, that I brought a suitcase with me based on, “…yep, that’s the black one with all my work clothes and stuff I need in it”

Yep, wrong black suitcase

I have shoes, toys, books, DVDs and toiletries

What I do NOT have, is clothes

Nope

No work clothes, regular clothes, pyjamas or fucking underwear

I will be going commando until further notice continue to amaze myself

Which means for the next week (at least) we follow each meal with a handful of lollies

Let the dentists of the world celebrate!

We carved pumpkins

Actually, M&M caved their pumpkins

I bought them these cool little battery operated pumpkin saws to use

Thinking they would be kid friendly

Magoo still managed to draw blood

But she’s got a bit of a gift for the ‘clumsy-break-shit-woops-how-did-THAT-happen’

I remember when they couldn’t even pick the pumpkins UP, they were so little

*simultaneous sob & snot wipe*

Trick or treating was awesome this year

The weather stayed great

There were trick-or-treaters all over the neighbourhood

And the kids scored the mother-load of treats

We took the kids out twice

Once, straight after school . Then again after dinner

We didn’t take Fluffy out the first time – he was too busy chewing up his skeleton costume

Fucker

But even without Fluffy

We still managed to make all the little kids either

A) cry

B) run away screaming

C) wet their pants

And in one case, all of the above

I think it may have had something to do with Diamond’s clown costume

Apparently clown costumes freak some people out

I mean it’s one thing to embarrass the shit out of your OWN kids

Realistically, our kids are pretty use to that

But to walk the streets frightening ALL the kids?

I reckon there’s some little buggers that will probably be too scared to even leave their houses next Halloween

What kind of adult / grownup / should know better, would DO that?

MEEE!

When I say ‘letting me’ – it’s not like I have to have permission

I can do whatever the fuck I want

My shows

Just as long as I ask really nicely first

Anyhoo

If you’re keen to come to

Thursday’s show (1st Sept) in FREMANTLE

or Friday’s show  (2nd Sept) in KALGOORLIE

or Saturday’s show (3rd Sept) in RAVENSWOOD

And you know what? Fuck it – I’ll give away some to tonight’s gig in NARROGIN (31st Aug) if you’re super quick

They haven’t given me any to giveaway for the NARROGIN show, but trust me, I KNOW people

I can get your arse in

Email me at jenny@jennytalia.com

And I’ll pick some random winners, the official way

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo

And let the winners know ASAP

I was going to make you answer a question like, “on a scale of 1 to 10, how hot am I?”

But it was a trick question – ’cause the answer is 11

So I’m keeping it simple

Just send an email through…..like, NOW

Get on it!

And hopefully I’ll see your smiling mug soon

x

They loved it

La-la-la-lurved it!

And because I’m a genius and a manipulative mummy

I decided to use that love to my advantage

I made a chart

And promised the girls another day of horse riding

If their chart was filled with only ticks

From doing chores, homework and generally being full of asweomeness

They said no worries

As long as “I” went horse riding with them

I said sure

I was probably drunk at the time

I’m sure it’s a surprise to no one that I am not equestrianly inclined

But why the fuck not, hey?

Why the fuck not, indeed

Check me out

I couldn’t look more uncomfortable than if I was parading down the catwalk in a swimsuit at the Miss World pageant

With an unwaxed vajay-jay

Yep, THAT’s how uncomfortable I was

If you look closely you might even see some wee running down my leg

My horse’s name was Harley Spotty Botton

I called him Dot Bum

He was a sweety

And I tried to love it

But it just wasn’t my favourite

It’s not his fault I can’t relax when my fanny bone is get bounced around the park

(insert fanny bone getting bounced joke here)

Plus he kept walking me under trees

Which meant branches were whacking my in the head and I probably have brain damage

So apparently the love wasn’t mutual

At least I won’t ever have to do it again

Ever

I know this because…

Although I’d been around horses before

Until yesterday, I don’t think I’d ever ‘touched’ a horse

Yesterday, by the time I got off the horse

I was scratching like a mofo

And had hives

HIVES I say!!

I’m allergic to fucking horses

I had hives everywhere

I wish I was joking

Every-fucking-where!

Like, ON MY EYEBALLS!

No, you can’t see that pic.

I’ve been waking up to this

Heiny and the kids having a tai-chi slash yoga slash hippy session in the lounge room

Today Mum joined in too

I just stepped over them and headed to the kitchen for my crumpets & honey

I mean, whatever floats your boat and all that

Just not my cup of tea

Except for the part where Magoo kept kept farting every time she lifted her leg

Bomber, make your eyes water, WTF has that kid been eating, style of bum burps

That, I can do

I decided to take them for a walk to grab a yummy treat

I had 15 minutes before I had to leave for work

Yes, they had their *jimmy-jams on

But I took them out anyway

Because that’s what bogan mothers who don’t give a shit I do

You can take the girl out of Kalgoorlie…

*M&M speak for pyjamas

Not much more than 24 hours later, I did what any insane biatch would do

I got up at 2:30am and headed back to the airport

And got on another plane

And flew to New York

See that dot in the middle?

That’s the Statue Of Liberty right tharr!

I had a meeting-slash-appointment that was kinda important

That I couldn’t get out of

Believe me, I tried

Anyhoo

I chose to make lemon-vodka-shots out of lemons

And planned to make the most of having a day in New York

The work stuff was over way faster than expected

And not because I fell asleep *ahem*

So that left me with a few hours before my flight home

I walked around seeing a few of the sights

I believe they call it sight-seeing?

I was getting the hang of it

Even when my legs got the occasional jetlag sway, and my eyes wouldn’t stay open

I made it to Rockefeller Plaza

Trump Tower

Saw a tourist bus that I couldn’t find the place to buy tickets for

Then I found this bad boy

New York GOLD

And the line to get some of this tucker made my decision to eat here easy

Verdict – awesome

Even with the sauce stained scarf and onion breath it left me

Took lots of pics

Wished I had a ‘big girl’ camera, so I could’ve looked all professional ‘n’ shit

And maybe ended up with better pics

Especially of Central Park (above)

And Times Square

But I came to the conclusion that it would have been a bastard to carry

And I would have either dropped it or lost it

Even tried to be like the cool kids and put me IN a pic

By taking it myself

You know you’re a shitty photographer when you can’t even get YOURSELF to look at the camera

Cool background though

Of fuck-knows what

So my New York minute

Actually it was 480 minutes

Was quick

Productive, hopefully

And wore me the fuck out

The upside?

A second lot of WECOME HOME hugs in as many days, from my babies

All is good out here on the road this week

Just got off stage in Kyneton

And it was awesome

Not for the usual reasons awesome

For me it was awesome, because of the two ladies sitting in the front row

Who seriously, could NOT have looked more mortified

From the time I opened my mouth

Until the time I walked off

They were in shock

I’m like, DUDES!

If you’re struggling with my show

You ladeez are going to SHIT your passion-killer knickers, when Dad gets out here!

Or maybe not?

It’s weird sometimes, how people can have no problem hearing a joke

Or dirty stories & swearing

If it comes from a man

But don’t cope at all when it comes from a woman

These two ladies did not laugh once

At all

Didn’t even crack a smile between them

And watching them not react one bit to my songs

Was bringing me undone

Giving me joy even

And the look on their faces when I sang “Camel Toe”?

Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve never been that close to wetting my pants on stage before

And to show what a great judge of character I am

And what a gift I have at ‘reading’people

Like, just how much these ladies weren’t into my act

And couldn’t wait for me to get off

Those same two women walked straight up to me during the intermission

And bought ALL of my CDS, t-shirts and stickers

Then had photos taken

Hugging and kissing me

Apparenty, they are probably lesbians loved the show!

O-Kaaaay??

So on this Paddy’s Day,  it’s good to be sure

To be sure

That I’m still a genius

If you look closely

It’s much easier to spot in this one though

Still can’t see it?

Let’s use ‘pore cam’ then shall we?

See it now?

OK, how about ‘pore cam’ with a bigger grin

I KNOW you see it now

The great-giant-gap-of-grossness

You remember how it all went down, right? (CLICK HERE IF YOU DON’T)

And some of the bullshit that’s happened since then CLICK HERE IF YOU DON’T KNOW THAT EITHER, ‘CAUSE WE’RE OBVIOUSLY STRANGERS)

So in keeping with my penchant for procrastinating

And because I’m going on tour tomorrow

Which is the start of lots back and forth-ing for the rest of the year

Making dentist visits hard to schedule and very easy to avoid

I figured I couldn’t put it off much longer

I went back to the dentist today to get the new tooth put in

Again

Quite the achievement since I had the original implant done in 2006

And have been fucking around with dentist visits, surgeries and cock ups since then

FIVE YEARS

And thoughts of big, scary looking whatever-the-fuck-this-is

Have helped me keep putting off the inevitable

So I put on my best patient face

Hardened up

And got it done

So I’m finally back to fully-full-on-face smilies

From the left AND RIGHT side now

It’s got me all motivated to keep on keeping on

Maybe some lipo?

Boob job?

I’m not sure if I the balls for that kinda stuff

I’m thinking I’ll just start small

Something subtle…

Like some 14K gold all up in my grills!!

To match my labia & nipple rings.