Kind of

After a few days away with the fam

Actually, it was ONE more than a few days ’cause we were having so much fun we didn’t want to come home

So we stayed one extra

Mainly to keep Diamond & I happy

There were waterslides, roller coasters and PUBS to dooooo!

Once I get my pics sorted, I’ll post some up

For now, here are a few from the arcade at the hotel

Taken on my phone – in the dark

Hence the shittyness

Now I normally can’t stand dingy video game arcades

And never go in them

Kind of how I can’t stand Crocs and swore I’d never get a pair

But there was something about our hotel, with it’s abundance of gift shops, bars, restaurants, Starbucks AND a Croc shop

So I got drunk and couldn’t walk in my heels one night and caved in – and bought some Crocs

And those things are C-O-M-F-Y

Why has no one told me this before?

OK, maybe they did

And in return I may have called them fashion victim follower fucktards

Anyhoo

I put on my stylin’ new Crocadoodles & went into the arcade with the girls

I gotta tell you, that place was the SHIT

Total awesomeness SQUARED!

Who knew?

OK, you did

Just shut up already with the I-told-you-so’s – alrighty?

I could have spent HOURS in that joint

We tried every game at least once

But my favourite was the boxing game

Firstly, because watching Miss 4 try to hold up her arms and punch some 7 foot Russian mongo looking dude in the face, was just fucking funny

And then I thought it would be a great time to show my girls my mad boxing skills

That I never really had, but like to think I did

And for a while there, I was on FIIIIIYAAAAR!

Jab – jab – left hook – duck – weave

Yeah baby

Float like a hippo – sting like a hyperdermic

You shoulda seen me goooooo

But, like all good things – it came to an end

Right about the time I swung with all my shit

With a deadly right hook

Lost my balance

And punched Miss 4 in the face

Yep

Beat THAT Dina Lohan

Fear not, my guilt was abated by copious amounts of icecream, build-a-bears & cuddles

What?

If you saw the shiner I gave her, you’d have bought the kid a PONY

And I would have too

But the gift shop were all out

And it got me to thinking

Do I REALLY break something on EVERY tour?

Am I actually that much of a clumsy fuck?

So I’ve been going back over the last couple of years tours

Trying to remember what, if anything, I broke

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am, indeed, quite the clusterfuck

When out on tour

I don’t think I really break much when I’m at home & not touring

Except for maybe the kid’s hearts

When I tell them that I ate the last chocolate/no they can’t have another dog/yes, I am the only Mum they get

But on tour, WOW, I’m a fucking wrecking ball

Couches – I dropped my suitcase on it

Beds – I knocked the legs off one trying to hold onto it doing sit ups

Curtains – I was trying to OPEN them

Fridges – From trying to break the padlock on the mini bar (that I put on there myself, to tell myself to back-the-fuck-off) to try and get to the chocolate

Lamps – which are usually ugly as shit anyway, so I think I did the hotels a favour there

You name it

I’ve totally smashed the shit out of it

And I’m not a violent person either

Well, if you don’t count that time in Bali when I might have had too much to drink and some futher mucker at the bar wouldn’t take no for an answer and when I left he tried to follow me back to my hotel and I thought I was tough little fucker ’cause I’d done one & half kick boxing classes and the heel of my six inch stiletto may have got caught in his face and I had to pull it out myself but I don’t think he knew because he was laying in the gutter having a nap or maybe he was dead but either way, there was blood on my new shoe and it was his fault

But other than that, I’m not violent at all

I mean I’ve smashed things

On purpose

But only when it’s life or death

Like the time that I was in Paris with my Mum because Dad was touring the UK and Mum & I thought we were world travelers and took a little flight over there for the day only to find that everyone thought we were from England and treated us like shit until we put our (ugly) Koala broaches on to show that we were in fact Australian so the bastards would be nicer to us, which they were at the cafe where we had  lunch consisting of water and donuts ’cause that’s all we understood from the froggy menu but the donuts were grody and made my guts ache and I had to use a bathroom up the street at the bottom of a spiral staircase that was so narrow & steep I could only open the door of the toilet a smidge & had to squeeze in there and then shut the door which, after my bodily contents left me, I couldn’t get open and I started to freak ’cause there wasn’t mobile phones back then and I learned the hard way that I am a LOT claustrophobic when I am breathing in my own stench 3 floors below ground in a toilet coffin with a stuck door that I ended up kicking off the hinges in my complete panicked state only days later realising that that was pretty Wonder Woman of me and I went on to make enquiries about customising my own superhero costume in case I was faced with another near death experience as a tourist in Paris

(who knew that when I googled ‘trapped hot claustrophobic blonde in french thunder box’ that I would find this bitch acting out my nightmare?)

So THAT was totally not my fault either

I just think maybe they don’t make hotels like they used to

But today’s one seems to be fine

I haven’t broken anything

Except for when I accidently punched the housekeeping lady in the nose this morning when I was helping her make my bed because I am lovely

Which TOTALLY doesn’t count, because I didn’t actually BREAK her nose

It just bled a little

So really, I’m improving

And when I travel

My camera is always within reach

Except when I lose it

But other than that

It’s always right with me

On this trip

Because I am clearly losing my mind for some unknown reason

I have been taking photos of flowers

I just have a little point & shoot camera

Nothing fancy

But I’m thinking that these don’t suck too bad they turned out OK

I’ve been wanting a real, big girl, grown up bulky & horribly expensive camera for a while

And I’d love to see what I could do with that

I had fun taking these

Who’d have thought?

Me, a flower photographing chick

Don’t be too concerned though

I’ll still take photos of the good stuff too

Imagine the clarity of testicle shots I could get?

Bulls balls in 3D!!

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PS – if you click on the photo it will show it in greater detail. Good for the flower shots. The animal ones? Not so much.

Over an ad about seatbelts

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What?

I said ALMOST