climbing the coat hanger

It started with this
Screen Shot 2013-04-15 at 8.17.46 PM
Most of you probably already know, that I’m not THAT girl
You know, the adventurous girl, the thrill seeking Sheila
My preferred kind of adrenalin rush, usually involves a mall, annual sales, a new outfit with matching shoes
Followed by celebratory wine drinking

So the more I though about this ‘let’s climb to the top of the widest Longspan Bridge in the world
That happens to be 139 metres (439.632546 fucking feet) above sea level’
The more was I like, sweet Jesus…how do I get OUT of doing this??

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I mean, I don’t even go out onto hotel balconies if I’m more than 2 stories up
I get all tingly (and not in a good way) and my stomach starts to try and escape from my body

But Mum and Dad were excited, and determined that it’d be ‘awesome’ and I would ‘love it’
It’s one of the many things on their bucket list, that they’ve been ploughing through lately
And after confirming that neither of them were ‘dying’, thus ruling THAT out as the reason we were ticking of things on their bucket list….I agreed
Because I have no brains
And was not prepared to be called a pussy by my parents for years to come

Turns out, once we were there and getting suited up, I started to relax
(even though this photo would suggest otherwise)
Our guide, slash leader, slash chick who I was entrusting with my life, was a top lady who was equal parts informative, fun and reassuring
The latter being exactly what I needed
Her name was Leah, I liked her, and she totally didn’t flinch when I insisted on holding her hand for the first hour of training
She gave us our safety briefing, got kitted up with headsets (so we could hear her) lots of clips to hold onto sunglasses etc, so that we didn’t drop anything off the bridge, that would land on cars below. Apparently that would be bad. We also had thick bungee cord looking things that would attach us to the bridge, in case we fell off
What a lovely thought
Personally, my cord looked as though it wouldn’t support the weight of my leg, let alone my entire corpse
‘Cause you KNOW I’d be dead of a heart attack WAY before I ever hit the water

Anyhoo, once all the training, lectures blah, blah –can’t we just get this over with already- were done, we headed to the steps

1,437 just to get up!
It’s a combination of ladders and stairs
I was doing fine with both (go me!)
BridgeClimb Sydney Flags Morning
Until we reached the first platform, where Leah stopped to give us some information about the bridge’s history
We were standing on a grated platform….you know, one you can SEE THROUGH
I looked down
And prompty burst into tears
We weren’t even ONE FIFTH of the way up

I was all, fuck this, fuck me for saying yes, fuck the eggs I had for brekky, fuck, fuck, FUCK.

After some deep breathing, encouragement from Mum and Dad, and the realisation that we were all tethered to each other, so how the hell could I get down WITHOUT going up first…..I worked out, that if I just looked up, I didn’t get as scared
And I kept chanting to myself, from my favourite movie character of all time – Dory, from Finding Nemo…..’just keep swimming, just keep swimming’

PLUS, I was the youngest in our group by about 20 years, so I needed to suck it up, cause none of the pensioners were remotely freaking out
Just me

Also, it was a nice, warm day, so the pee in my pants dried pretty quickly
I kept going
And kept going
Doing lots of little nervous farts along the way
Because I don’t know about you guys, but when I’m nervous, I get GAS
And I slowly started to see, that it did get better
It did get easier


I was almost having fun

I mean, I still wasn’t going to look down for love nor money415115555

But if I looked OUT, the view was ah-may-zing!
Mum and Dad LOVED it
No fear, just climbed the shit out of that bridge, enjoying Sydney from the best view in the city
I’m so glad I got through it
I surprised myself
The fear eventually went away, and I did OK
I can actually say I enjoyed it

Would I recommend it?
Would I do it again?
Next time, maybe I’ll just watch YOU do it.

losing my shit…and finding it again.

My iPhone is nearly always in my hand, pocket or bag
My iPad is nearly always in my bag
So I’m not sure, how in the last week, I have lost them both
The iPad I lost TWICE
That takes some skill
The happy ending is I found them
But I wouldn’t have, were it not for the app, ‘find my iphone’

It’s like a little GPS tracker thingy that locates your device, and shows you on a map where it is. It’s a handy little feature for people like me, who are scatterbrained and have hangover-brain-fuzzies most days
The first time I lost the iPad, the app was showing me it was in my car. I still couldn’t find it.
It should have been more specific and told me it was UNDER the seat, hidden by empty Starbucks cups and god-only-knows-how-old fries
The second time, I left it at the gym. Because I cannot spend more than 90 seconds on a treadmill or elliptical (totally had to google that word because I kept typing epileptic – and if you’d seen me on it, you’d know just how apt that is) unless I’m watching an episode of something trashy on the iPad. This month’s cheese-fest is season one of Nashville. Needless to say, I fucking love it. When I realised I’d left the iPad there, I called the gym, and they told me no one had handed it in. So I checked the ‘find my iPhone app’ saw it WAS there on map, drove over there, and found it sitting exactly where I’d left it. On the bench next to my water bottle. The lady at the desk couldn’t believe that it was still just sitting out there, and no one had taken it.
Chalk that up as another great reason to patronise an establishment full of octogenarians They don’t steal your shit probably because they don’t know what the fuck an iPad is


Lastly, my phone
The locating map was telling me it was in my house
But do you think I could find the fucking thing?
There’s a little bell, alarm beepy thing, that you can activate (from the app) that is supposed to help you find your missing device
I could hear it coming form the kitchen
I THOUGHT it was coming from Eva and was preparing to cut her open but Diamond said it was coming from the bin
The little ringing bell was so faint, it was hard to tell
It really should be someone’s voice….like Samuel L Jackson saying, “Yo asshole, your phone is over here”
It would be WAY easier to find THAT.

So Diamond tipped out the contents of the bin
And ewwwww out fell my beeping-covered-in-slimy-what-the-fuck? phone!

Moral of the story…
It’s not always Eva’s fault
Old people are honest
That app saved me a bundle my arse
And I’m totally using it to spy on my kids when they’re teenagers

Do you use this app?
You should totally tell me your password so I can stalk you

Oh-my-God how much fun would THAT be?? for me

hit pic, december 18, twenty twelve

So, how’s the lead up to Christmas going for you guys?
Oh you know
Getting there….if you count not being half done, there’s only 7 more sleeps, I keep forgetting where the fuck I put Stampy & Stella except for the times that I didn’t move them at all. That shit happens when your days are one big blurry hangover
All this Christmas cheer is destroying my liver. I’ll take a new one if you’re reading this Santa
Today I am helping with the games at Magoo’s class Christmas party.
I was all, let’s do PIN THE TAIL ON RUDOLPH!
I’ll just go online and buy it.
Except my priorities this week have been more about not wearing the same outfit twice out with the girls, so the whole TAIL on the REINDEER thingy got FOR-GOT.
Until this morning
Cue – me cracking out the craft bin and drawing the motherfucker myself
Note, I didn’t mean to give him thunder thighs, and his bum wasn’t always blue
My original drawing had a red bullseye where his tail should be
Then I thought about having to explain to a room full of 7 year olds (OK, probably just Magoo) why his bum was red
*insert horny Prancer joke here
There is no way I am fessing up to drawing this child-like piece of art
I’m going to give Diamond the credit

Just a little reminder that my forté is, and always will be, fart jokes.