This week’s Dear Jenny is not a letter I received

But I letter I wrote

So maybe I should have called it FROM Jenny?

Anyhoo

Dear People In The Room Next Door

I have written letters before to my hotel neighbors – but this one’s different. I’m not mad at you. Not even remotely.
See, the thing I was unable to avoid hearing you guys ‘going at it’ all afternoon. The plus side? When I got back from the gig, you two had obviously rooted yourself to a state of complete exhaustion, and I heard nothing but silence all night –  so yeah, thanks for that.
Thing is, you were back ‘into it’ again first thing this morning. Annoying? Not so much.
But for a girl who is thousands of miles away from her husband, this is like the fat chick smelling the cookies baking…..that she CAN’T FUCKING EAT!
Comprende?
So while I’m not exactly pissed at you guys, I didn’t need the reminder. Even though Dad is forever letting me know that it’s kind of sad out here on tour, when my parents (aka him & Mum) are getting more action than ME, and are the only people getting laid.
Did that visual make you mouth vomit? Welcome to my world
Anyway peeps, hope you enjoyed your stay. Sure sounds like you did.
We will probably never get to meet face to face before you guys check out – that would be a bit embarrassing wouldn’t it?

Plus, I’ll plan on being a little busy this morning….‘SKYPING’ my husband

Your turn to block your ears!

JT
x

So, say you were having a birthday this month

H-y-po-t-h-e-t-i-c-a-l-ly, of course

And say you were a ‘wine lover’, who was also having a hypothetical birthday this month

And you had this amazing, fabulous, hypothetical husband

Who was REALLY good at making stuff and building things

And look kinda hot in a tool belt

What could the hypothetical husband POSSIBLY get his hypothetical wine loving birthday girl for her special day?

Hmmm….maybe he could, oh I don’t know….. MAKE her something?

Build her something original

Spectacular even!

I wish I had a hypothetical husband that read my blog.

So what are you guys hoping for this year?

A sleep in?

New undies?

On my kids  list for Santa this year?

“A piece of a rainbow” – Macaroni

“Big boobs like Mummy” – Magoo

Me?

I really hadn’t thought about it

I’m too concerned with how to get a fucking chunk off a rainbow

And a boob job for a five year old

The kids have already made me some homemade gifts

Which are completely awesome – love them!

But there’s not really ‘one’ thing that I really wanted this year

I’m home

That’s always the best part about Christmas for me

Well, at least that’s what I thought

Until there was a knock on the door this morning

Remember this tweet?

Well I’d tried not to stew over it

If you don’t count daily expletive-filled-phone rants

And emails that could probably get me arrested for making threats

“you all need fucking with a pineapple, no lube” <– does that even count as a threat?

I was confident that it HAD to show up somewhere

Even if it was on Ebay

Someone would have a pretty hard time proving that it was their guitar

With a big old picture of MY BOOBS on the back of it

.

So, for those non-believers

Who doubt the power of the big red man at this time of year

I’m here to testify that…

Yes Vagina

There really IS a Santa Claus

I saw this on DLISTED

And my pants now have a little wee on them

THAT’S how excited this made me

Read that again peeps

HOLDS A FULL BOTTLE OF WINE!

So that’s like, pour ONE drink

Get on FACEBOOK or TWITTER

Write inappropriate things that you can’t be held responsible for

Cause DUH, you’ve had a whole bottle of WINE to yourself

And your night is made

And for those of you thinking, awesome – now I know what to get the old Jennsta for Christmas

You’re too late

I already ordered mine

Although….it never hurts to have a spare

You know, for all the times that I finish a glass (or is that bottle?)

And am too tipsy to remember where I put it

Or for when I’m drunk as a mofo and do a face plant

And break the fucker