Please feel free to pass this on to Diamond Santa for me

OK, numero uno

A WINE BRA – Seriously, who comes up with this shit? ‘Cause dude needs a MEDAL.. I could wear it on school field trips, walking the dog, visiting the in-laws! Can you imagine how fun one of these would make a funeral? I could fill the fucker up and there’d be enough for everybody! But you guys would have to bring your own straw

FART MACHINE – because farting is NEVER NOT FUNNY. So for those days that I can’t spontaneously gross you out amuse you, I’ll just pull this gadget out of my bag of tricks and fire away. Making sure to blame you for it

Apparently I am getting a new office, because the girls are getting their own rooms and I’m being kicked out of my old space. So I want one of these IPHONE DESKS pretty please. Or the deal’s off mofos.

If I’m going to waste my time exercising, and probably hurt myself in the process – I’d like to do it wearing these STILETTO TRAINERS, if  you don’t mind (size 8 1/2 thanks)

Magoo has asked Santa for a hamster this Christmas – and if that bearded fucker brings one of those smelly little fur balls into my house, he better bring me one of these NOSE CLIPS with it

ROBOTIC BABYSITTER – for those hangover days when you need someone else to do crafts and play dress up with the kids. It’d be a total upgrade from the Disney channel.

A ZEBRA PRINT baby grand piano. OK, so I already HAVE a piano. But Diamond won’t let me paint it and I think that the world NEEDS a female Liberace. You can call me LABIA-RACE

PENIS NECKLACE – that I’d wear just to make the snobby lady at the bank uncomfortable. But I think it’s little bit of false advertising – ’cause this makes it look like it’s ‘coming’ diamonds – which, if that WERE the case in real life – we’d ALL swallow, wouldn’t we girls?

A BABY – I’m not sure where you could actually BUY one of these – but my neighbor JUST got word that she’s been approved to adopt. So I think I might just borrow hers. The bonus? We can BOTH drink during her pregnancy

Faccebook has a ‘dislike’ button and you can ‘unfollow’ someone on Twitter, and even give someone the ‘thumbs down’ on YouTube. But sometimes, actually A LOT of the time, life, especially life online, requires a big ol’ FUCK YOU. I’ll probably need more than one of these

What’s on your Christmas list this year?

Although I can’t work out if it’s kinda cruel to the dog or not

He seems OK

Fuck it

I’m signing Fluffy and I up for salsa lessons anyway

We’re ready for our day off today

I’m thinking of heading to the biggest shopping centre I can find

And get a start on my Christmas shopping

Believe it or not, I’m normally DONE with my Chrissy shopping by this time of year

But I have saved Diamond some time

‘Cause I already know what I want for Christmas

I met him yesterday

He’s my cousin’s beautiful 8 month old baby boy

His big sister is Dad’s newest best friend too

Which is no surprise considering he paid her in ice-cream

So all I need to do is find a shop that sells ones just like this

That don’t come with a sore vajay-jay, stretch marks or sleepless nights

But be warned

If I find a shop like that

I’m probably going to walk out with a matching set

Well, it’s actually an extension of the DILLIGAF business

DILLIGAF bracelets

The samples arrived from overseas today

And have already been stolen by Dad & I

Looks like in inherited his freckly wrists

As well as his penchant for saying fuck, a lot

But I letter I wrote

So maybe I should have called it FROM Jenny?

Anyhoo

Dear People In The Room Next Door

I have written letters before to my hotel neighbors – but this one’s different. I’m not mad at you. Not even remotely.
See, the thing I was unable to avoid hearing you guys ‘going at it’ all afternoon. The plus side? When I got back from the gig, you two had obviously rooted yourself to a state of complete exhaustion, and I heard nothing but silence all night –  so yeah, thanks for that.
Thing is, you were back ‘into it’ again first thing this morning. Annoying? Not so much.
But for a girl who is thousands of miles away from her husband, this is like the fat chick smelling the cookies baking…..that she CAN’T FUCKING EAT!
Comprende?
So while I’m not exactly pissed at you guys, I didn’t need the reminder. Even though Dad is forever letting me know that it’s kind of sad out here on tour, when my parents (aka him & Mum) are getting more action than ME, and are the only people getting laid.
Did that visual make you mouth vomit? Welcome to my world
Anyway peeps, hope you enjoyed your stay. Sure sounds like you did.
We will probably never get to meet face to face before you guys check out – that would be a bit embarrassing wouldn’t it?

Plus, I’ll plan on being a little busy this morning….‘SKYPING’ my husband

Your turn to block your ears!

JT
x

H-y-po-t-h-e-t-i-c-a-l-ly, of course

And say you were a ‘wine lover’, who was also having a hypothetical birthday this month

And you had this amazing, fabulous, hypothetical husband

Who was REALLY good at making stuff and building things

And look kinda hot in a tool belt

What could the hypothetical husband POSSIBLY get his hypothetical wine loving birthday girl for her special day?

Hmmm….maybe he could, oh I don’t know….. MAKE her something?

Build her something original

Spectacular even!

I wish I had a hypothetical husband that read my blog.

A sleep in?

New undies?

On my kids  list for Santa this year?

“A piece of a rainbow” – Macaroni

“Big boobs like Mummy” – Magoo

Me?

I really hadn’t thought about it

I’m too concerned with how to get a fucking chunk off a rainbow

And a boob job for a five year old

The kids have already made me some homemade gifts

Which are completely awesome – love them!

But there’s not really ‘one’ thing that I really wanted this year

I’m home

That’s always the best part about Christmas for me

Well, at least that’s what I thought

Until there was a knock on the door this morning

Remember this tweet?

Well I’d tried not to stew over it

If you don’t count daily expletive-filled-phone rants

And emails that could probably get me arrested for making threats

“you all need fucking with a pineapple, no lube” <– does that even count as a threat?

I was confident that it HAD to show up somewhere

Even if it was on Ebay

Someone would have a pretty hard time proving that it was their guitar

With a big old picture of MY BOOBS on the back of it

.

So, for those non-believers

Who doubt the power of the big red man at this time of year

I’m here to testify that…

Yes Vagina

There really IS a Santa Claus

And my pants now have a little wee on them

THAT’S how excited this made me

Read that again peeps

HOLDS A FULL BOTTLE OF WINE!

So that’s like, pour ONE drink

Get on FACEBOOK or TWITTER

Write inappropriate things that you can’t be held responsible for

Cause DUH, you’ve had a whole bottle of WINE to yourself

And your night is made

And for those of you thinking, awesome – now I know what to get the old Jennsta for Christmas

You’re too late

I already ordered mine

Although….it never hurts to have a spare

You know, for all the times that I finish a glass (or is that bottle?)

And am too tipsy to remember where I put it

Or for when I’m drunk as a mofo and do a face plant

And break the fucker

And I tried to rename it

But nothing worked quite as well as fuck this shit

So fuck this shit it is

I don’t like to whinge

Lie

Yes I do

And I’m pretty good at it too

But losing weight sucks arse

Big time

And it’s my own fault

If I could just be more consistent with the whole, ‘sensible eating’ rah rah bullshit that all the skinny bitches from TV are always preaching

I wouldn’t keep stacking on the weight in spades

And having so much fucking work to do to get it off again

And there are no excuses

But between having babies, miscarriages & a love for anything chocolate covered

My size in clothes is starting to look like a phone number

And I’m done

And I’ve said I’m done before

But this time I mean it

Just like I meant it last time

And the time before that

But come on guys, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day (but if they made it out of french fries I could’ve demolished that fucking town in HALF that time)

And it’s not just because we’re filming for a live DVD in South Africa in 2 months

OK, yes it is

I just don’t like exercising, any kind

But I do love food, every kind

Perfect recipe for a lifetime of freaking out every time I hit the scales

But I want to be healthy too

I don’t want to be the fat Mum

I want to point & make jokes about the fat Mum

Which is very hard to do when I AM the fat Mum

So far on this tour I have worked out every day, except one

But there was one day I worked out twice, so that totally means I’ve done it every day huzzaaaah!

And I just fucking hate it

Exercising is dangerous you guys

I have a workout video

A bootcamp DVD where this huge black man yells at me through the TV and counts to 8 over and over and over

And I have to kick my legs and jump and drop to the floor and jump up again and kick

It makes me SWEATY

Like, YUK!

And it makes be break shit too

So far this tour, I’ve kicked over 2 coffee tables, ripped a set of curtains and knocked the legs off a king size bed

And the noises I’m making are not pretty

But it must sound like I’m having some kind of kinky-orgy-masturbating-festival in my room

Judging by the hi-5 & the wink the guy in the next room gave me when he saw me checking out this morning

Exercising just makes me want to stab someone

I hate dieting, so I thought it would be quicker to just stop eating altogether

So I did

And after 45 minutes I got dizzy and had to be brought back around by the contents of the mini bar

It was a close call

Like today, I’m on the treadmill

Why can’t all those fucking machines be the same?

I like it whent you can just keep pressing the UP arrow, to work out the speed you want to go

But this one didn’t have it, so I had to just pick a number

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t press 16 instead of 6 and I flew off that mother fucker like a ninja turtle having a seizure

But I got back on

And then my iPod, which was on shuffle, started playing the theme to Ghostbusters and I was all like, how the FUCK did THAT song get on there, but then my mind wondered and I started singing along, doing a little bit of a dance….who ya gonna call??

And fell off the fucking treadmill again

AAAAANNNND I don’t have a holder for my iPod, so I just stick it down the front of my sports bra but the jolt of the second fall made it fly out and hit me in the fucking nose

So now I’m limping around like an has-been boxer with a fat schnozz

But hey, my cholesterol is down

Woop-dee-fucking-doo

I just want to get to the point that I can watch myself on DVD without running from the room screaming

So if you see me with a chocolate in my mouth, please take it from me

I will probably try and hurt you

But you should still take it from me

If you see me with a glass of wine

Step the fuck back bitches – I’m not giving up everything

I even have an app for my iPhone called ‘LOSE IT’

Where I enter in all the food I eat each day and it tells me I’m still a fat ho and laughs in my face how many calories I’ve eaten

I’ve been sticking to it so far

I even went as far as NOT eating an apple yesterday because it would have meant I wouldn’t have enough calories left to have a wine after the show

Apple or wine?

Like anyone would pick a fucking apple

I was really tempted to take a BEFORE pic in my underwear and post it on here

NOT

People who do that are b-r-a-v-e, BRAVE

Me – no fucking way dude

Exhibit A

What I wanted for dinner was this

And these

Followed by this

And what I HAD for dinner is this wank lettuce crap

Again I say, fuck this shit

.

It’s probably kinda stupid even writing about it all

‘Cause I see a lot of you guys who read this

Like, all the time

And next time I do

And I look even bigger ’cause I gave up on this shit and just ordered room service no different

You’re going to feel all uncomfortable about what to say

You know what?

Just do us all a favour and tell me I look like I’ve lost weight

Even if I haven’t

It’ll be better for the friendship

Especially if you’ve gained a few yourself

That would make me happy

A good friend?

Not really

But happy?

Fuckin’ oath

I try to leave fun stuff behind for the girls to play with

Besides Diamond

I used to leave little treasure hunts with clues all around the house

Then we got Fluffy

And realised that he can digest Polly Pockets whole

Have you ever tried to rinse doggy guts off doll that’s smaller than Gary Coleman’s pecker your Papa toe?

It’s the total opposite of awesome

The last few times I’ve been at the shops with the girls they have stopped at the Littlest Pet Shop section

And did the little happy dance that I would do if Yellow Tail Merlot was on sale little kids do when they’re excited

They would ooh & aah over these little plastic animals

And ask how many more sleeps until their birthday or Christmas so that maybe they could get one

And I’m all, it’s about 200 bazillion days away

Buuuut, if I get back from tour and Daddy doesn’t have any new grey hairs on his head

Then Mummy & Daddy might get them for you

And this elicited a double-whammy-spazzo-version of the happy dance

So, because I’m so tough and strict and no I’m not

I went back to the store later on by myself & bought the merlot that was on sale Littlest Pet Shop TRIPLETS

And left them with Diamond to be used as bribery when it became necessary given to the girls if they were being total bad-arses

And by bad-arses, I mean good

He held out 2 days

Go Diamond you soft cock

So since they received their Triplet Hamsters & Triplet Puppies

The girls have NOT STOPPED TALKING ABOUT THEM

PLAYING WITH THEM

SLEEPING WITH THEM

OBSESSING ABOUT THEM

Miss 6 has built hers a house out of a shoe box

That she tells me has solar power, a vet clinic, restaurant, nail salon & shuttle launch

Miss 4 always has bandaids and lipstick on her ‘TROOPWUTTS’ as she calls them

I’ve tried correcting her, honey it’s TRIP-LETS, not TROOPWUTTS

Can you say TRIP?

TRIP!

Can you says LETS?

LETS!

OK, now just put them together & say TRIP-LETS

TROOPWUTTS!!

Oh well

.

These things have become a total currency in our house

If you don’t practice piano you won’t get to play with your Triplets

If you sleep in past 6am you can watch TV with your Triplets

Everytime I talk to Diamond he’s like, you HAVE GOT TO GET MORE of these

These little plastic pieces of crap are GOLD in this house

Buy all of them, EVERYTHING they have

With these Triplets, we finally have the POWER

And I’m all like, are you TELLING me what to do?

He says, no, I’m BEGGING you

Oh, OK good

So I went straight onto amazon.com and bought whatever else they had

I didn’t tell Diamond yet

I told him I’d see what I could find

Let him sweat it out for a few days

‘Til they get delivered on Saturday

And then the 3 of them will be running around the house singing, Mummy’s the best! Mummy’s the best!

Who says you can’t buy love?

Give me $30, and I’ll prove you wrong!