And my pants now have a little wee on them

THAT’S how excited this made me

Read that again peeps

HOLDS A FULL BOTTLE OF WINE!

So that’s like, pour ONE drink

Get on FACEBOOK or TWITTER

Write inappropriate things that you can’t be held responsible for

Cause DUH, you’ve had a whole bottle of WINE to yourself

And your night is made

And for those of you thinking, awesome – now I know what to get the old Jennsta for Christmas

You’re too late

I already ordered mine

Although….it never hurts to have a spare

You know, for all the times that I finish a glass (or is that bottle?)

And am too tipsy to remember where I put it

Or for when I’m drunk as a mofo and do a face plant

And break the fucker

And I tried to rename it

But nothing worked quite as well as fuck this shit

So fuck this shit it is

I don’t like to whinge

Lie

Yes I do

And I’m pretty good at it too

But losing weight sucks arse

Big time

And it’s my own fault

If I could just be more consistent with the whole, ‘sensible eating’ rah rah bullshit that all the skinny bitches from TV are always preaching

I wouldn’t keep stacking on the weight in spades

And having so much fucking work to do to get it off again

And there are no excuses

But between having babies, miscarriages & a love for anything chocolate covered

My size in clothes is starting to look like a phone number

And I’m done

And I’ve said I’m done before

But this time I mean it

Just like I meant it last time

And the time before that

But come on guys, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day (but if they made it out of french fries I could’ve demolished that fucking town in HALF that time)

And it’s not just because we’re filming for a live DVD in South Africa in 2 months

OK, yes it is

I just don’t like exercising, any kind

But I do love food, every kind

Perfect recipe for a lifetime of freaking out every time I hit the scales

But I want to be healthy too

I don’t want to be the fat Mum

I want to point & make jokes about the fat Mum

Which is very hard to do when I AM the fat Mum

So far on this tour I have worked out every day, except one

But there was one day I worked out twice, so that totally means I’ve done it every day huzzaaaah!

And I just fucking hate it

Exercising is dangerous you guys

I have a workout video

A bootcamp DVD where this huge black man yells at me through the TV and counts to 8 over and over and over

And I have to kick my legs and jump and drop to the floor and jump up again and kick

It makes me SWEATY

Like, YUK!

And it makes be break shit too

So far this tour, I’ve kicked over 2 coffee tables, ripped a set of curtains and knocked the legs off a king size bed

And the noises I’m making are not pretty

But it must sound like I’m having some kind of kinky-orgy-masturbating-festival in my room

Judging by the hi-5 & the wink the guy in the next room gave me when he saw me checking out this morning

Exercising just makes me want to stab someone

I hate dieting, so I thought it would be quicker to just stop eating altogether

So I did

And after 45 minutes I got dizzy and had to be brought back around by the contents of the mini bar

It was a close call

Like today, I’m on the treadmill

Why can’t all those fucking machines be the same?

I like it whent you can just keep pressing the UP arrow, to work out the speed you want to go

But this one didn’t have it, so I had to just pick a number

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t press 16 instead of 6 and I flew off that mother fucker like a ninja turtle having a seizure

But I got back on

And then my iPod, which was on shuffle, started playing the theme to Ghostbusters and I was all like, how the FUCK did THAT song get on there, but then my mind wondered and I started singing along, doing a little bit of a dance….who ya gonna call??

And fell off the fucking treadmill again

AAAAANNNND I don’t have a holder for my iPod, so I just stick it down the front of my sports bra but the jolt of the second fall made it fly out and hit me in the fucking nose

So now I’m limping around like an has-been boxer with a fat schnozz

But hey, my cholesterol is down

Woop-dee-fucking-doo

I just want to get to the point that I can watch myself on DVD without running from the room screaming

So if you see me with a chocolate in my mouth, please take it from me

I will probably try and hurt you

But you should still take it from me

If you see me with a glass of wine

Step the fuck back bitches – I’m not giving up everything

I even have an app for my iPhone called ‘LOSE IT’

Where I enter in all the food I eat each day and it tells me I’m still a fat ho and laughs in my face how many calories I’ve eaten

I’ve been sticking to it so far

I even went as far as NOT eating an apple yesterday because it would have meant I wouldn’t have enough calories left to have a wine after the show

Apple or wine?

Like anyone would pick a fucking apple

I was really tempted to take a BEFORE pic in my underwear and post it on here

NOT

People who do that are b-r-a-v-e, BRAVE

Me – no fucking way dude

Exhibit A

What I wanted for dinner was this

And these

Followed by this

And what I HAD for dinner is this wank lettuce crap

Again I say, fuck this shit

.

It’s probably kinda stupid even writing about it all

‘Cause I see a lot of you guys who read this

Like, all the time

And next time I do

And I look even bigger ’cause I gave up on this shit and just ordered room service no different

You’re going to feel all uncomfortable about what to say

You know what?

Just do us all a favour and tell me I look like I’ve lost weight

Even if I haven’t

It’ll be better for the friendship

Especially if you’ve gained a few yourself

That would make me happy

A good friend?

Not really

But happy?

Fuckin’ oath

I try to leave fun stuff behind for the girls to play with

Besides Diamond

I used to leave little treasure hunts with clues all around the house

Then we got Fluffy

And realised that he can digest Polly Pockets whole

Have you ever tried to rinse doggy guts off doll that’s smaller than Gary Coleman’s pecker your Papa toe?

It’s the total opposite of awesome

The last few times I’ve been at the shops with the girls they have stopped at the Littlest Pet Shop section

And did the little happy dance that I would do if Yellow Tail Merlot was on sale little kids do when they’re excited

They would ooh & aah over these little plastic animals

And ask how many more sleeps until their birthday or Christmas so that maybe they could get one

And I’m all, it’s about 200 bazillion days away

Buuuut, if I get back from tour and Daddy doesn’t have any new grey hairs on his head

Then Mummy & Daddy might get them for you

And this elicited a double-whammy-spazzo-version of the happy dance

So, because I’m so tough and strict and no I’m not

I went back to the store later on by myself & bought the merlot that was on sale Littlest Pet Shop TRIPLETS

And left them with Diamond to be used as bribery when it became necessary given to the girls if they were being total bad-arses

And by bad-arses, I mean good

He held out 2 days

Go Diamond you soft cock

So since they received their Triplet Hamsters & Triplet Puppies

The girls have NOT STOPPED TALKING ABOUT THEM

PLAYING WITH THEM

SLEEPING WITH THEM

OBSESSING ABOUT THEM

Miss 6 has built hers a house out of a shoe box

That she tells me has solar power, a vet clinic, restaurant, nail salon & shuttle launch

Miss 4 always has bandaids and lipstick on her ‘TROOPWUTTS’ as she calls them

I’ve tried correcting her, honey it’s TRIP-LETS, not TROOPWUTTS

Can you say TRIP?

TRIP!

Can you says LETS?

LETS!

OK, now just put them together & say TRIP-LETS

TROOPWUTTS!!

Oh well

.

These things have become a total currency in our house

If you don’t practice piano you won’t get to play with your Triplets

If you sleep in past 6am you can watch TV with your Triplets

Everytime I talk to Diamond he’s like, you HAVE GOT TO GET MORE of these

These little plastic pieces of crap are GOLD in this house

Buy all of them, EVERYTHING they have

With these Triplets, we finally have the POWER

And I’m all like, are you TELLING me what to do?

He says, no, I’m BEGGING you

Oh, OK good

So I went straight onto amazon.com and bought whatever else they had

I didn’t tell Diamond yet

I told him I’d see what I could find

Let him sweat it out for a few days

‘Til they get delivered on Saturday

And then the 3 of them will be running around the house singing, Mummy’s the best! Mummy’s the best!

Who says you can’t buy love?

Give me $30, and I’ll prove you wrong!

Yay me.

And maybe some lads too

I present to you

Laura Hall

Woman becomes the first person to be banned from every pub in the COUNTRY!

Laura Hall, 20, was issued with a Drinking Banning Order  -  nicknamed Booze Asbos  -  which bars her from entering any pub, club, off-licence or bar.

The two-year order also bans Hall from buying alcohol at any other establishment or shop, carrying it in an unsealed container or drinking it in a public place.

Police applied to magistrates after Hall was convicted of breaching an Asbo imposed for drink-related anti-social behaviour.

She has been convicted of a series of public order offences, and had flouted bans from pubs and clubs through local Pub-Watch schemes in her home town of Bromsgrove, Worcestershire.

Kidderminster Magistrates’ Court heard yesterday that Hall faces a £2,500 fine if she breaks the conditions of the order.

Sergeant David Roberts, of West Mercia Police, said: ‘There have been some Drinking Banning Orders issued already but this is the first to be issued on a nationwide basis.

‘It bans Laura Hall from drinking or buying alcohol in any licensed premises across England and Wales. The conditions will also help to protect the public from the anti-social effects of Laura’s behaviour.’

I am voting for her to be my next President

Or Prime Minister

Or what the fuck ever

I just want her to be the boss of me

She is officially, THE SHIT

And our new LEADER

Miss 6 has decided she doesn’t want to be an astronaut anymore

It doesn’t sound all that exciting anymore Mummy

Now that I’ve been to the fire station

In all fairness, she had a pretty unique visit

She got chosen to be the volunteer

To help demonstrate what would happen if she were injured in a fire

And how firefighters would strap her to a cart to help rescue her

And she was pumped UP afterwards

Oh Mummy, I am SOOO going to do that when I get older

Yeah, I said. That’d be a pretty cool job

I think you’d make a great firefighter

No Mummy. I don’t want to be a firefighter

I want to be the one that gets strapped to the cart

That was awesome

Well that’s the victim honey

You don’t want to be the victim

.

Oh yes I do

I’m totally going to be a victim when I grow up

.

Umm, great ??

And I’m getting organised

For myself of course

This is definitely going on my list

I don’t even care if it works

It just looks cool