I’ve put together a list of things that I’d LOVE to see in my stocking this Christmas

Please feel free to pass this on to Diamond Santa for me

OK, numero uno

A WINE BRA – Seriously, who comes up with this shit? ‘Cause dude needs a MEDAL.. I could wear it on school field trips, walking the dog, visiting the in-laws! Can you imagine how fun one of these would make a funeral? I could fill the fucker up and there’d be enough for everybody! But you guys would have to bring your own straw

FART MACHINE – because farting is NEVER NOT FUNNY. So for those days that I can’t spontaneously gross you out amuse you, I’ll just pull this gadget out of my bag of tricks and fire away. Making sure to blame you for it

Apparently I am getting a new office, because the girls are getting their own rooms and I’m being kicked out of my old space. So I want one of these IPHONE DESKS pretty please. Or the deal’s off mofos.

If I’m going to waste my time exercising, and probably hurt myself in the process – I’d like to do it wearing these STILETTO TRAINERS, if  you don’t mind (size 8 1/2 thanks)

Magoo has asked Santa for a hamster this Christmas – and if that bearded fucker brings one of those smelly little fur balls into my house, he better bring me one of these NOSE CLIPS with it

ROBOTIC BABYSITTER – for those hangover days when you need someone else to do crafts and play dress up with the kids. It’d be a total upgrade from the Disney channel.

A ZEBRA PRINT baby grand piano. OK, so I already HAVE a piano. But Diamond won’t let me paint it and I think that the world NEEDS a female Liberace. You can call me LABIA-RACE

PENIS NECKLACE – that I’d wear just to make the snobby lady at the bank uncomfortable. But I think it’s little bit of false advertising – ’cause this makes it look like it’s ‘coming’ diamonds – which, if that WERE the case in real life – we’d ALL swallow, wouldn’t we girls?

A BABY – I’m not sure where you could actually BUY one of these – but my neighbor JUST got word that she’s been approved to adopt. So I think I might just borrow hers. The bonus? We can BOTH drink during her pregnancy

Faccebook has a ‘dislike’ button and you can ‘unfollow’ someone on Twitter, and even give someone the ‘thumbs down’ on YouTube. But sometimes, actually A LOT of the time, life, especially life online, requires a big ol’ FUCK YOU. I’ll probably need more than one of these

What’s on your Christmas list this year?

This just made my day

Although I can’t work out if it’s kinda cruel to the dog or not

He seems OK

Fuck it

I’m signing Fluffy and I up for salsa lessons anyway

After six shows in a row

We’re ready for our day off today

I’m thinking of heading to the biggest shopping centre I can find

And get a start on my Christmas shopping

Believe it or not, I’m normally DONE with my Chrissy shopping by this time of year

But I have saved Diamond some time

‘Cause I already know what I want for Christmas

I met him yesterday

He’s my cousin’s beautiful 8 month old baby boy

His big sister is Dad’s newest best friend too

Which is no surprise considering he paid her in ice-cream

So all I need to do is find a shop that sells ones just like this

That don’t come with a sore vajay-jay, stretch marks or sleepless nights

But be warned

If I find a shop like that

I’m probably going to walk out with a matching set

Dad’s going into the jewelry business

Well, it’s actually an extension of the DILLIGAF business

DILLIGAF bracelets

The samples arrived from overseas today

And have already been stolen by Dad & I

Looks like in inherited his freckly wrists

As well as his penchant for saying fuck, a lot