the other C word

You know the one I mean
And if you know me, you know that I love the absolute absolute SHIT out of it
Now don’t hate me, but I’m possibly half way done with my Christmas shopping already
By that I mean, I have an extra suitcase full of new clothes and shoes for ME, that I’ll wrap up and get Diamond to give to me for Christmas.

My gift giving will be made WAY easier this year because I have a new album
Yep, that’s what ALL the people in my world will be receiving this year
And if I really, REALLY love them, they might even get a F.O.C.U.S. t-shirt or beanie too
I’ll probably save that for immediately family
(Bet you’re excited NOW, Dad!)

The F.O.C.U.S Swag has been going nuts so far, and we’ve just received our 3rd order of t-shirts, and 2nd order of the new album
We won’t be getting anymore t-shirts once this batch is gone

So, if you reckon someone in your life would like one for Chrissy, or the new CD,  you might want to get your order in soon-ish.
All orders received while I’m out here on the road can be autographed if you’d like, just let me know.

I may be biased, but I’ve been told that I make quite a fucking great Christmas gift by Diamond
Especially to your kid’s school teacher, mother-in-law, or your Pastor.
Ha….I dare ya!!






my christmas top 10

I’ve put together a list of things that I’d LOVE to see in my stocking this Christmas

Please feel free to pass this on to Diamond Santa for me

OK, numero uno

A WINE BRA – Seriously, who comes up with this shit? ‘Cause dude needs a MEDAL.. I could wear it on school field trips, walking the dog, visiting the in-laws! Can you imagine how fun one of these would make a funeral? I could fill the fucker up and there’d be enough for everybody! But you guys would have to bring your own straw

FART MACHINE – because farting is NEVER NOT FUNNY. So for those days that I can’t spontaneously gross you out amuse you, I’ll just pull this gadget out of my bag of tricks and fire away. Making sure to blame you for it

Apparently I am getting a new office, because the girls are getting their own rooms and I’m being kicked out of my old space. So I want one of these IPHONE DESKS pretty please. Or the deal’s off mofos.

If I’m going to waste my time exercising, and probably hurt myself in the process – I’d like to do it wearing these STILETTO TRAINERS, if  you don’t mind (size 8 1/2 thanks)

Magoo has asked Santa for a hamster this Christmas – and if that bearded fucker brings one of those smelly little fur balls into my house, he better bring me one of these NOSE CLIPS with it

ROBOTIC BABYSITTER – for those hangover days when you need someone else to do crafts and play dress up with the kids. It’d be a total upgrade from the Disney channel.

A ZEBRA PRINT baby grand piano. OK, so I already HAVE a piano. But Diamond won’t let me paint it and I think that the world NEEDS a female Liberace. You can call me LABIA-RACE

PENIS NECKLACE – that I’d wear just to make the snobby lady at the bank uncomfortable. But I think it’s little bit of false advertising – ’cause this makes it look like it’s ‘coming’ diamonds – which, if that WERE the case in real life – we’d ALL swallow, wouldn’t we girls?

A BABY – I’m not sure where you could actually BUY one of these – but my neighbor JUST got word that she’s been approved to adopt. So I think I might just borrow hers. The bonus? We can BOTH drink during her pregnancy

Faccebook has a ‘dislike’ button and you can ‘unfollow’ someone on Twitter, and even give someone the ‘thumbs down’ on YouTube. But sometimes, actually A LOT of the time, life, especially life online, requires a big ol’ FUCK YOU. I’ll probably need more than one of these

What’s on your Christmas list this year?