The ‘backstage’ area of the website has been upgraded to a new version of the blogging software that I use

Which is kinda cool

But it also kinda sucks arse

‘Cause for the last two days, I’ve logged in to write up a new post

And didn’t have a fucking clue couldn’t navigate my way around the new layout

And of course now I can’t remember what I was even going to say on those other posts that I couldn’t write

But I’m pretty sure they were awesome

With a touch of genius

And of course funny as fuck

So, cause I drink too much and have no brain cells now all I have is this post

Which isn’t really about anything much so far is it?

Yeah, sorry ’bout that

.

I’ve spent the last 24 hours browsing the internet with Diamond

Looking at houses

Diamond has ALWAYS wanted to live near water

Specifically a lake

And we’ve always said that one day, we might just get that house on the lake

But for now, with his family being here in Chiacago

And me being able to see my family a few times a year wherever I live

That this is where we’d stay

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But we’ve recently found out that Diamond’s parents, Mama & Papa Diamond

Are planning to relocate to Arizona

Where Diamond’s sister is

And his only other sibling, his brother

Plans to leave Chicago as soon as his son is off to college in a few years

.

So we get to talking and we’re like

Remind me again why we’re staying here

The long, cold winters

The long drive to get to the nearest lake

Don’t get me wrong, Chicago is one of the best cities in the world

But we think we might just be ready for the move we’ve always been going to do

You know how everyone has that “one day” plan?

Like, “one day” when the kids are grown we’re going to…

Or “one day” I’d love to live…

I’m thinking that our “one day” is fast approaching

.

We went back & forth about where we’d like to go

Somewhere warmer

But not melt your tits off weather like they have in Arizona

Somewhere with lots of trees

A bit of land for the kids and the Fluffster to run around

Good schools

And of course, a lake

.

Now at this stage we’re still at the, “will we won’t we” stage

But it’s looking like it is something we’d really like to do

I’ve told Diamond I’m happy to move wherever

As long as there’s an airport a starbucks and a 24 hour liquor store so I can get to work

.

And here’s the kicker

After saying no to just about every place that each other suggested

The place we’ve agreed on?

Go ahead, feel free to laugh your boxes off

I’m chuckling as I type this…

.

TENN-E-FUCKING-SEE!!

Cue the music from Deliverence mother fuckers

I IS GONNA BE A FARMER’S WIFE!

To be continued…

.*

To a different hair colour religion me thinks

I reckon being a Muslim might be the way to go

Sure, it’s not the most popular group going right now and my Dad would never talk to me again

But before you get excited, I need to clarify right fucking now

That if I do decide to sign up for this

There is no way I’m getting my pink bits trimmed circumcised

OK?

Good

So, I’ve been rethinking my whole opinion of the Muslims – or the Moosies as I like to call ‘em

I used to see the Moosie women as suppressed and victimised

But there’s something to be said for just grabbing a sheet on your way out of the house

And chucking it over your head

No more bad hair days

No more time wasted at the Revlon counter

Well, except for eyeliner – you have to show off what you can, you know?

And who gives a shit if your shoes don’t match your clothes

Who the fuck’s going to know?

The kids might have trouble picking me out when I pick ‘em up from school but they can always just walk home anyway, lazy bastards

But, here’s where I’m totally sold on it

How about the whole, your husband can have as many wives as he wants shit that the Moosies have got going on?

I used to be so opposed to that, as a woman

And thought it was degrading

Like, if your husband REALLY loved you

He’d only want you and no one else

But you know what?

It’s be kinda cool to share the load

Bare with me on this one

Let’s just say, for shits & giggles

That I let Diamond have 6 other wives

Then he’d have one for every day of the week

There could be cleaning wife

Cooking wife

Manage the house wife

Deal with his family wife

Take care of the kids wife

Head job wife

And then there’d be me

Hot wife

With fuck all else to do

How sad

I could totally be lay-on-my-arse-all-day-wathcing-telly-wife

Bring that shit ON mutha fucka

I need to be getting me one of those burka thingies STAT! in size buffallo

Praise be to ALAN

Or ALLAH

Or whatever

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Who’s with me?