The DVD shot is finished!

I can’t even tell you how happy I am to have that done

I was N-E-R-V-O-U-S

Worried I’d trip and fall

Or forget the words

I was particularly concerned that my fun bags wouldn’t stay in my top

That’s what I get for choosing to wear something from the DOLLY PARTON MATERNITY-RANGE

It will be a while before it’s released (sometime next year)

The touring schedule doesn’t leave much time for editing

So rather than make it a rush job

I really want to take my time & make sure it doesn’t suck

Thanks for being so patient with me

I know that a lot of you have been asking for a DVD from me for a while now

And honestly, if you guys hadn’t asked

I’m not sure I would have done one

I hope it’s worth the wait for you

The crew we got to work with were incredible

The venue was perfect

And the crowd were insane

Here’s a live pic that Dad took on the night

I think we should all be thankful that he wasn’t in charge of the video cameras too!

I didn’t, in fact order him a PURPLE one

But I DID have him believing that I did

I am easily amused

I actually ordered him a regular, and VERY nice banjo from America

So I had it sent to my house in Chicago, ‘cause they didn’t ship to Australia

Then I brought it to South Africa with me to give to him

All was good

Until I arrived in South Africa

And my luggage arrived

Minus the banjo

Shit

So I walked around the airport asking all sorts of official looking people what should I do

Was there paperwork I could fill in?

Could they track it?

I kept getting told to wait

So I did

I waited for an hour

Still no banjo

But in that time

All the other passengers had collected their luggage and left

And as I flew in on the last flight of the night – the staff started leaving too

I was trying not to get nervous

I knew I was being picked up by the tour promoter

But I was worried that he’d be out in the arrivals area, thinking that I’d missed the flight, ‘cause I hadn’t come out yet

And he’d leave

Then I remembered that I didn’t have his phone number

OR the name of the hotel

Because I’m a genius

And the airport got emptier & emptier

Like, creepy empty

I finally found a guy who helped me fill in a lost luggage form

I could have kissed him

But I didn’t because well….you know, it was a really long flight and I hadn’t brushed my teeth

And ’cause of the whole ‘husband’ thing

So when I went to leave, the doors were locked

And I may have gotten a little frighties & weed in my pants a little

So this guy ended up walking me out a side door

I finally found the promoter standing by himself in the arrivals area

Patiently waiting for me

Thank Christ

I had visions of me having to sleep in the empty airport for the night

No food or water

No toilet – ‘cause they were locked

No INTERNET

Like an episode ofSurvivor

The Johannesburg Airport edition

If I’d have known that I would arrive here without having to go through security

Or customs & immigration or sniffer dogs (because they’d all gone home)

I so wouldn’t have thrown out my stash of snack food on the plane

But it all turned out fine

If you don’t count the missing banjo

We’re all hoping it shows up today

‘Cause I hate it when Dad cries

UPDATE:

It arrived

So, crisis averted!

He’s a happy boy

And has locked himself away in his room ALL day

And wants us to believe he’s practicing the banjo…

And the people from here can be a bit rough around the edges too

Being from Kalgoorlie, places like the Isa feel like home to me

I’m a fan of people saying what they mean, and meaning what they say

Country towns like this are chock-full of funny bastards and cheeky characters

If you’re one of those polished city slickers with $200 haircuts & shoes that are shiny

I’m not sure you’d last too long in the Isa

In a world that’s top heavy with political correctness & everyone in a constant state of ‘watching what you say’ so as not to offend

Mt Isa is a breath of fresh air

Today when I was buying coffee, the young girl who took my order kept having to adjust her apron ’cause it was slipping off

Me: Must be nice to be that skinny that your clothes keep slipping off

Her: Yeah but it’s a bastard that I gotta do the fucker up so tight that it cuts into me bladder and I gotta piss every half an hour

Bet your local (city) coffee barrister doesn’t open up to YOU like that when you pick up your morning brew!

Then while I was waiting for the coffee at the end of the counter I couldn’t help overhearing the two ladies next to me sharing the details of their sex-apades last night

Lady 1: Well, was he good?

Lady 2: He was alright

Lady 1: I reckoned he’d be good when I seen him in the pub

Lady 2: He was alright

Lady 1: Why just alright?

Lady 2: Well it was good and shit, and we was having fun but then the arsehole went and pissed on me

Lady 1: He pissed on you?

Lady 2: Yep. And he didn’t even ask me first

You KNOW I had snot come out of my nose after hearing this. ‘Cause she wasn’t mad that her fella pissed on her. She was dark ’cause he didn’t ASK her first.

I told you you couldn’t make this shit up

Then Mum & I headed over to a little beautician to get our toenails painted. Because mine look like arse, plus I’m trying to take my mind off the fact that my laptop blew up yesterday. And I no I don’t want to talk about it. Warranty you ask? Why yes, I totally have one of those. Of course I do. It expired TWO FUCKING WEEKS AGO.

Anyhoo

At the beautician, the young nail technician was telling us that she had been to see the show last night

But after spending an hour in her company, I’ve decided she could have BEEN in the show

She was telling me how she’d just dropped her daughter at school and was approached by the Principal, who asked if she could please refrain from swearing so much

What a fucking bitch hey? Stupid slut telling me that I can’t fucking speak how I want to fucking speak. What’s the fucking world coming to hey?

And on the subject of her mother

What a fucking pisshead she is. Ask me to drop her down the pub and I go to pick up the old tart and she’s fucking legless already. I mean, for fuck’s sake Mum!

I left there pretty sure that we’re related

This town is just a fun place to be

It’s refreshing to be around people that don’t give a shit

And don’t know any other way than to just say what’s on their minds and tell it like it is

This weekend the Mt Isa rodeo is on

It’s the biggest rodeo in the Southern Hemisphere

The tourists and rodeo fans have been flooding in all week

I hope all the visiting cowboys appreciate just how unique this little place is

I already know that this is where I’m heading to when it’s time to write my next album

I think I’ll just head to the Isa when it’s time to write anything, full stop

You hang around here long enough

And the shit just writes itself

January 07, 2010 -Johnstown, PA – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.

“Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest.”Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups,”growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.”"In fact,” said the organizer,”motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it…ergo, they should stop.”

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960′s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist.”They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me `La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”

“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was,`You can’t prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.

“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee.”We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and `farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail.”That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.

From 140mph.ning.com

Who knew Bikers were such funny fuckers?

I think I might just want to be one when I grow up

Got my outfit ready & I’m raring to GO BABY!

I was hungry

Put my PJs on

Still hungry

Skype Diamond and the girls

Really hungry

Decided to peruse through my delicious range of healthy snacks that I’ve been traveling with on this trip

And by delicious, I mean, tasteless, cardboard crap

I opened by bag of barely edible munchies

And had decided to go with a bowl of cereal

Who wouldn’t want a serving of fibre and nuts instead of a Snickers from the mini bar?

And there, in my bag o’ hell was this

OK, not THAT actual cockroach

But a fucking cockroach non-the-less

Now I know, I’m a Kalgoorlie girl

And am tough as shit

(barefoot for the first 5 years of my life

And knocking out the teeth of a 2nd grader when I was in preschool)

The above is probably bullshit

But it’s how I choose to remember it

But Kalgoorlie kid or not, I totally shat myself

You think I’m kidding?

.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, a FUCKING COCKROACH IN MY FOOD SUPPLY

It’s like the universe WANTS me to bury my head in the chocolate covered delights of my hotel room fridge

It’s obvious the universe doesn’t give a flying fuck that I will be vactioning with small children soon

With a swim suit on

Hear that universe?

These children will be scarred for life – permanently curled up in the fetal position

‘Cause you, in all your universe-y wisdom-y, put a God Dam insect in my shit!

.

And in other news – this whole dying a slow death healthy eating, exercising daily bullshit, may just be starting to work

How do I know this?

Because my socks were a little loose on me this morning

I think it’s because they might actually be Dad’s socks, that got mixed up with mine in the laundry

But fuck it, a win’s a win

Me and my skinny feet are taking it!

.

So I totally freak the fuck out about the cockroach

I think it was because it was late

And kinda dark

And I put my hand in the bag and felt something touch it

Not that I don’t enjoy the odd carressing & fondling

But not by a fucking roach thankyouverymcuh!

.

In my freaked out state I went to bed

After I zipped up my food bag and stuck it in the corner

And had nightmares about cockroaches

All night

Cockroaches, cockroaches, COCKSUCKINGROACHES

They were EVERYWHERE

I woke up this morning the total OPPOSITE of refreshed

But I was ready to take on the beast

I was so brave

I opened up the bag slowly

And couldn’t see it

So I gave the bag a bit of a shake

And still couldn’t see it

Oh, look! There it is!

Dude, that thing was soooo much bigger last night

Like, a hundred bazillion times bigger

There are about 4,500 species of cockroach, apparently the smallest kind was my new visitor

Did you know that cockroaches have been known to live up to three months without food and a month without water?

Me either – thanks Google

So if this little fucker can go so long without food, why is he all up in my business?

I can barely go 60 minutes without food and he wants me to SHARE?

I’ll fucking share you

I should eat you

Which is what I told everyone on Twitter that I did last night

And ummm….I pretty sure most of you believed me

Thanks for THAT peeps

But being the responsible eater I’m so fucking not trying to be

I thought I’d at least suss out the calorie content of the average cockroach

The closest thing I could find is that they have about the same amount of calories as shrimp

Really?

Who works this shit OUT?

Hi, my name is Mr Dorky-Fuck-Face, & I’m a cockroach calorie consultant

It said that they carry bacteria and can make you sick

It didn’t mention that they can also make you shit your pants and have nightmares

Another useless tidbit for you: earthworms are higher in protein than steak

You’re welcome

Anyhoo

I didn’t even bother letting the guest-from-hell out so I could kill it

I left it in the bag, next to the bin in my room

With a note for housekeeping

“Please feel free to keep this bag & help yourself to the contents

It’s all lovely, lowfat food. Except for the cockroach.

He is lowfat but he’s not lovely.

He’s an arsehole”

She’s had tubes put in her ears before

And it seemed like she was going to need it done again (they fall out after a while and a lot of kids need to get them more than once)

Her hearing was deteriorating & her speech had regressed a little

The doctor recommended that this time, he take her adenoids out as well

It seemed to be part of the reason for the fluid in her ears

And all of the reason that she snores like a truck driver after a 12 hour drinking binge

So today was the day

For the bilateral myringotomy & adnoidectomy

Or in layman’s terms

The tubes in & the adnoids out

I know it’s a ridiculously short & simple procedure

But it stresses me

I don’t get anxiety

I think you have actually give a shit, to suffer from anxiety

I guess today I gave a shit

‘Cause my anxiety level was PEAKING

For those of you who have ever had a sick kid

And I’m not taking adnoids or ear tubes

I mean like, SICK, sick

Life threatening, emergency stuff

Do they give you guys a medal when it’s all over?

‘Cause they fucking should

You are the trojan-hercules-brave-heart-mofos of parenting

I don’t know how you do it

But you do

And I take my bra of to you

‘Cause I don’t have a hat on

And now I don’t have  a bra on either

Anyhooo

Miss 4 was totally psyched about going to the hospital

She remembered it was fun last time

When they put the tubes in

And didn’t hurt a bit

Which is why I chose NOT to tell her about the little adenoid-removal-thingy

Last time it was just a twilight sleep, this time she was going under

And Mama was stressin’

They gave her the pre-surgery medicine

Which is awesome

She get’s all giggly and nuts

Like she was before I guess

Times two

Then they wheel her off in the wagon (her favourite part)

Then I spend the next 45 minutes biting my nails, drinking coffee & trying to not obsessively watch the clock

And try to not get pissed off at the genius who designed the hospital without a fucking pub in it

.

I had brought along more stuff than I take with me on tour for a month

All my ‘just in case’ supplies

Spare clothes, in case we had  to stay longer than planned

Food, in case we had to stay longer than 10 minutes

Laptop, in case the world ended (so we’d be buried together)

15 magazines, so I didn’t have read the ones in the waiting room that are usually years old and covered in hepatitis

Makeup, so I didn’t scare anyone because dude, I left the HOUSE, hello?

More food, in case my first stash ran out

And half the contents of the girl’s toyroom – to make sure I had whatever she wanted when she woke up

I possibly overpacked

I didn’t use any of my stuff

I just sat in the chair and waited

And Miss 4, who’s last words before she went to sleep were

Do I get a treat after this? Can it be FOOD? I don’t want a sticker, OK?

Woke up asking

Can I get that food now? How about a Happy Meal, with fries? No? OK then, I’ll just take a peanut butter & jelly sandwhich

So yeah, it all went fine

Just like everyone told me it would

Here’s hoping that neither of my kids – or any of yours – ever require surgery again

EVER

With the exception of removing my foot from their arse when they’re teenagers cutting the apron strings

Like THAT’S ever going to happen

Apron strings FOREVER, I say!

Or do get a chance & have nothing to say

On the days where I have the time, but am being a lazy mole not the inclination

You can usually find me on TWITTER

And I’m not posting anything hilariously rib cracking there

I am a lazy mole remember? assure you

What I’m usually doing there is checking out other people’s tweets

And I’ve got to tell you

There are some funny-as-fuck mother-fuckers out there

And I think they all have twitter accounts

Here’s some of my faves:

This one’s from RYAN DRAKE who I don’t know – but have decided he’s quite the funny bastard

This is a new one I’ve just started following: AUBREY, who I don’t know either, but her tweets make me laugh. Hard.

This chick, DEBBIE B, has a few thousand followers on twitter. I bet she has tens of thousands real soon. I love her. Oh yeah, I don’t know her either. Hmmmm, I’m sensing a pattern here

UNCLE DYNAMITE, who constantly spits out hilarious tweets says he’s from Tasmania. A funny Tasmanian. Wow, who knew?? (I KID Tasmania! See you next month. MWAAHH XOXO)

OK, again someone I don’t know at all. Either I’m a stalker, or I have NO funny friends of my own. Either way it’s kinda sad Jelisa Castrodale is a funny, funny lady

There’s a reason that KELLY OXFORD has over 25,000 followers on twitter. She’s witty, funny and extra politically incorrect. Which is just how we like ‘em, isn’t it? And yeah, yeah, she’s a total stranger. Get fucked you lot.

And last, but DEFINITELY not least is this lady from FUCK YEAH MOTHERHOOD, who has a real name. And guess what? I know it! And I kinda know her too. She’s like my new cyber-twitter-bloggy-buddy

And to add to her awesomeness she likes me too she has ANOTHER blog here @ THE CHECKOUT GIRL. So, she’s like double the funny! If I find out she’s pretty too, I’m pretty sure we’re not going to be able to be friends any more

So, if you’re into TWITTER and you’re not already following these guys, you should

You totally should

You can thank me later with beer

And maybe some lads too

I present to you

Laura Hall

Woman becomes the first person to be banned from every pub in the COUNTRY!

Laura Hall, 20, was issued with a Drinking Banning Order  -  nicknamed Booze Asbos  -  which bars her from entering any pub, club, off-licence or bar.

The two-year order also bans Hall from buying alcohol at any other establishment or shop, carrying it in an unsealed container or drinking it in a public place.

Police applied to magistrates after Hall was convicted of breaching an Asbo imposed for drink-related anti-social behaviour.

She has been convicted of a series of public order offences, and had flouted bans from pubs and clubs through local Pub-Watch schemes in her home town of Bromsgrove, Worcestershire.

Kidderminster Magistrates’ Court heard yesterday that Hall faces a £2,500 fine if she breaks the conditions of the order.

Sergeant David Roberts, of West Mercia Police, said: ‘There have been some Drinking Banning Orders issued already but this is the first to be issued on a nationwide basis.

‘It bans Laura Hall from drinking or buying alcohol in any licensed premises across England and Wales. The conditions will also help to protect the public from the anti-social effects of Laura’s behaviour.’

I am voting for her to be my next President

Or Prime Minister

Or what the fuck ever

I just want her to be the boss of me

She is officially, THE SHIT

And our new LEADER

So he went and knocked the fucking wall out

Problem solved?

Yeah, that’d be a NO

I mean, technically it DID make the kitchen bigger

But now it had that exposed beam, insulation, dusting inhaling, half demolished look

Which I’ve never been much a fan of

So I was all, soooo, when do you think you might want to PUT THE FUCKING KITCHEN BACK TOGETHER?

OK, so I might have actually said it like that on the inside

On the outside, it sounded more like, wow babe, you’ve started already. Can’t wait to see how it turns out

And Diamond’s all, well you’re leaving soon, so it’s going to have to stay like that for a while. I can’t do it when you’re gone – I need someone to help me

And oh, how I love to help by yelling out instructions from the comfort of the couch

In all fairness though, my tradesman’s crack IS pretty impressive

It’s eerily similar to this one if you added 10 years and 30 pounds to it

I’m pretty sure that’s why he likes having me around

Anyhoo

I think he must have just remembered that it’s my birthday this weekend

And although I won’t be home until after, he’s worked out what would REALLY make a great gift

He’s always maintained that I’m really easy to buy for

Of course I am

How easy is it to shop for crotchless undies, fury steering wheel covers & gold leaf earings?

Who says I need to LIKE what I get?

Anyhooo anyhooo

He sent me thru some pics

And I seriously did big snorts and had sprite come out my nose when I saw them

(FYI sprite out the nose BURNS like a mofo)

He’s got the KIDS helping him

Measuring, up on the ladders

Miss 6 looks like she’s right at home

Enjoying herself even

Miss 4 again proves that she’s mine, all mine

With a face like a busted arsehole sour puss

Looking very unamused at being forced into child labour

I almost for bad for them

But if it means getting my kitchen put back together?

Then they need to suck it the fuck up

I’ve nearly wet my pants

I snorted so much from laughing my nostrils are aching

I fucking love this

Why can’t my family be this normal?