But in the last 12 months, the amount of people that read this blog has quadrupled to eight

So It’s safe to assume that a lot of you haven’t seen this one yet

Plus, even if you are new here – you already know what a lazy cow I am

Happy New Year to all of you

Luv ya guts

x

Here’s a preview of one of the tracks from the DVD

I get a lot of requests for this one, but I don’t do it live very often

It takes me to a bad place

Like, will never wear a bathing suit again if it means never having to wax down there again ’cause oh my God that shit hurts like a mofo and being a girl is kinda bullshit so why don’t we all go gorilla style for fuck’s sake – kinda bad place

Fuck that with a capital F

You’ll be able to order the DVD through the website SOON!

And yes it was

Surrounded by mountains in every direction

We decided to enjoy the view from the comfort of a paddle boat

Disguised as a pink gorilla

That’s how the classy tourists roll

We kept out distance from the others

Only because the one time we ventured close to their game or water-rugby-played-on-floating-pontoons

We got splashed big time and ended up with wet bums

Boys are such arseholes so silly sometimes

Then we felt a bit sorry for Dad

He had been in the toilet for over an hour and missed out on coming out on our ride

So we paddled back to him and offered him a ride in our homosexual Magilla Gorilla

He declined, homophobe

And opted for a phallic symbol canoe instead

There a fewer things that look more wrong than Dad, in a canoe, on a lake in Japan, rowing himself around in circles

But even more entertaining?

His dismount

Which started with a bit or reverse parking

And backseat driving from Mum

I could’ve helped them

But wanted to make sure I had the camera ready to go in case either one of them landed in the drink

Which is exactly what they’d do to me were the situation reversed

All together now….We. Are. fucked in the head Family.

Poor little pet had quite the sweat going on once he got to dry land

But wait, there’s more….but not yet ’cause I need to restring my guitars. Or find someone I can pay to do it for me.

They loved it

La-la-la-lurved it!

And because I’m a genius and a manipulative mummy

I decided to use that love to my advantage

I made a chart

And promised the girls another day of horse riding

If their chart was filled with only ticks

From doing chores, homework and generally being full of asweomeness

They said no worries

As long as “I” went horse riding with them

I said sure

I was probably drunk at the time

I’m sure it’s a surprise to no one that I am not equestrianly inclined

But why the fuck not, hey?

Why the fuck not, indeed

Check me out

I couldn’t look more uncomfortable than if I was parading down the catwalk in a swimsuit at the Miss World pageant

With an unwaxed vajay-jay

Yep, THAT’s how uncomfortable I was

If you look closely you might even see some wee running down my leg

My horse’s name was Harley Spotty Botton

I called him Dot Bum

He was a sweety

And I tried to love it

But it just wasn’t my favourite

It’s not his fault I can’t relax when my fanny bone is get bounced around the park

(insert fanny bone getting bounced joke here)

Plus he kept walking me under trees

Which meant branches were whacking my in the head and I probably have brain damage

So apparently the love wasn’t mutual

At least I won’t ever have to do it again

Ever

I know this because…

Although I’d been around horses before

Until yesterday, I don’t think I’d ever ‘touched’ a horse

Yesterday, by the time I got off the horse

I was scratching like a mofo

And had hives

HIVES I say!!

I’m allergic to fucking horses

I had hives everywhere

I wish I was joking

Every-fucking-where!

Like, ON MY EYEBALLS!

No, you can’t see that pic.

The weather was beautiful

And it wasn’t crowded at all

The perfect combo for a great day out

Last time I took the girls to Taronga

You may recall that Macaroni had a little run in with a fence and a giraffe

So this time, we decided to go into Koala enclosure instead

Way safer

Koalas sleep 20 hours a day, so I didn’t expect to get any super great photos

Wrong

They woke up as soon as we got in there

Soooo cute

The girls were loving it

Me, not so much

But only because one of them tried to kill me

Well, not ‘kill’ me per say

Just lunged at me so quickly I nearly shat myself

I mean technically, it wasn’t so much a ‘lunge’ as a twitch of it’s arm

But the intent was totally there

I know, I know – in the photo it just looks like it’s looking at me thinking I woke up for this shit?

But trust me – that little fucker was pure evil

I think he might have even had a knife

Killer Koala the Bad, BAD News Bear

I’m lucky I got out of there in one piece

Zoos are fucking dangerous y’all.

How many of you would use this?

I mean if it was in a gay bar there’d be a line to use it

With a big jar of vaseline so no one gets hurt

I don’t reckon I could

Seriously, it’s too lifelike for me

There’s even hair on it

Or maybe I’ve been looking at it too closely *ahem*

Yeah…nah

I’d have to go without

Faced with this

I’d rather drip dry

*thanks Brett*

Mum & I were looking for something to do on our day off

This time, I won’t be so fucking stupid I’m letting Mum pick the activity

Makes you all squeamish & pukey

I think that means you are a pussy should scratch ‘scaling Mt Everest’

Off your bucket list

All is good out here on the road this week

Just got off stage in Kyneton

And it was awesome

Not for the usual reasons awesome

For me it was awesome, because of the two ladies sitting in the front row

Who seriously, could NOT have looked more mortified

From the time I opened my mouth

Until the time I walked off

They were in shock

I’m like, DUDES!

If you’re struggling with my show

You ladeez are going to SHIT your passion-killer knickers, when Dad gets out here!

Or maybe not?

It’s weird sometimes, how people can have no problem hearing a joke

Or dirty stories & swearing

If it comes from a man

But don’t cope at all when it comes from a woman

These two ladies did not laugh once

At all

Didn’t even crack a smile between them

And watching them not react one bit to my songs

Was bringing me undone

Giving me joy even

And the look on their faces when I sang “Camel Toe”?

Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve never been that close to wetting my pants on stage before

And to show what a great judge of character I am

And what a gift I have at ‘reading’people

Like, just how much these ladies weren’t into my act

And couldn’t wait for me to get off

Those same two women walked straight up to me during the intermission

And bought ALL of my CDS, t-shirts and stickers

Then had photos taken

Hugging and kissing me

Apparenty, they are probably lesbians loved the show!

O-Kaaaay??

So on this Paddy’s Day,  it’s good to be sure

To be sure

That I’m still a genius

Family

Friends

Kids

Neighbours

Except me

And because I am a bucket mouth

I let everyone know that I was the ONLY one that wasn’t sick

Cause I NEVER get sick

Everyone else’s immune system can suck it

‘Cause mine is obviously the least germy

My steady diet of red wine, clinkers & no sleep is a winner people!

Until it wasn’t

Cue me feeling like death last week

With the man flu

That one’s like 5 times worse that the regular flu, yeah?

‘Cause that’s totally what I had

No WAY has anyone ever been as sick as I was

Just like there’s NO WAY anybody’s birth story is more horrendous than mine

Yup, I’m THAT person

Ask Diamond how much fun I am to live with

Anyhoo

After being prescribed some great drugs

(That are probably just antibiotics

But I still feel like a rebel when I take 2 at once)

I am on the mend

HUZZAH!!

Better than on the mend

I am fired UP!

I think being knocked on your arse makes you grateful when you DO start to feel better

Today I want to plough through my ‘to do’ list

Then dust off the guitar and do some writing

I will not be distracted

Life is a highway & Baby you can drive my car On the road again

And all those other songs about truckin’ that have fuck all to do with this post

I am unstoppable, mother fuckers!

Once I get out of bed.