OK, so this is a REpeat

But in the last 12 months, the amount of people that read this blog has quadrupled to eight

So It’s safe to assume that a lot of you haven’t seen this one yet

Plus, even if you are new here – you already know what a lazy cow I am

 

Happy New Year to all of you

Luv ya guts

x

So excited that my DVD, WHO DARES GRINS is just about here!

Here’s a preview of one of the tracks from the DVD

I get a lot of requests for this one, but I don’t do it live very often

It takes me to a bad place

Like, will never wear a bathing suit again if it means never having to wax down there again ’cause oh my God that shit hurts like a mofo and being a girl is kinda bullshit so why don’t we all go gorilla style for fuck’s sake – kinda bad place

Fuck that with a capital F

 

You’ll be able to order the DVD through the website SOON!

 

Our week in Japan for MateRock went so fast, and was full-on times a bazillion. I didn’t get time to blog on the trip, because I was lazy and drunk a lot so I’m going to break it down over a few blogs, before I forget everything…

And yes it was

Surrounded by mountains in every direction

We decided to enjoy the view from the comfort of a paddle boat

Disguised as a pink gorilla

That’s how the classy tourists roll

We kept out distance from the others

Only because the one time we ventured close to their game or water-rugby-played-on-floating-pontoons

We got splashed big time and ended up with wet bums

Boys are such arseholes so silly sometimes

Then we felt a bit sorry for Dad

He had been in the toilet for over an hour and missed out on coming out on our ride

So we paddled back to him and offered him a ride in our homosexual Magilla Gorilla

He declined, homophobe

And opted for a phallic symbol canoe instead

There a fewer things that look more wrong than Dad, in a canoe, on a lake in Japan, rowing himself around in circles

But even more entertaining?

His dismount

Which started with a bit or reverse parking

And backseat driving from Mum

I could’ve helped them

But wanted to make sure I had the camera ready to go in case either one of them landed in the drink

Which is exactly what they’d do to me were the situation reversed

All together now….We. Are. fucked in the head Family.

Poor little pet had quite the sweat going on once he got to dry land

But wait, there’s more….but not yet ’cause I need to restring my guitars. Or find someone I can pay to do it for me.

I took the girls horse riding a few weeks ago

They loved it

La-la-la-lurved it!

And because I’m a genius and a manipulative mummy

I decided to use that love to my advantage

I made a chart

And promised the girls another day of horse riding

If their chart was filled with only ticks

From doing chores, homework and generally being full of asweomeness

They said no worries

As long as “I” went horse riding with them

I said sure

I was probably drunk at the time

I’m sure it’s a surprise to no one that I am not equestrianly inclined

But why the fuck not, hey?

Why the fuck not, indeed

Check me out

I couldn’t look more uncomfortable than if I was parading down the catwalk in a swimsuit at the Miss World pageant

With an unwaxed vajay-jay

Yep, THAT’s how uncomfortable I was

If you look closely you might even see some wee running down my leg

My horse’s name was Harley Spotty Botton

I called him Dot Bum

He was a sweety

And I tried to love it

But it just wasn’t my favourite

It’s not his fault I can’t relax when my fanny bone is get bounced around the park

(insert fanny bone getting bounced joke here)

Plus he kept walking me under trees

Which meant branches were whacking my in the head and I probably have brain damage

So apparently the love wasn’t mutual

At least I won’t ever have to do it again

Ever

I know this because…

Although I’d been around horses before

Until yesterday, I don’t think I’d ever ‘touched’ a horse

Yesterday, by the time I got off the horse

I was scratching like a mofo

And had hives

HIVES I say!!

I’m allergic to fucking horses

I had hives everywhere

I wish I was joking

Every-fucking-where!

Like, ON MY EYEBALLS!

No, you can’t see that pic.