I don’t even care if this is true – it made me laugh my box off all day

January 07, 2010 -Johnstown, PA – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.

“Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest.”Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups,”growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.”"In fact,” said the organizer,”motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it…ergo, they should stop.”

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960’s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist.”They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me `La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”

“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was,`You can’t prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.

“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee.”We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and `farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail.”That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.

From 140mph.ning.com

Who knew Bikers were such funny fuckers?

I think I might just want to be one when I grow up

Got my outfit ready & I’m raring to GO BABY!

So I get home from the gig last night

I was hungry

Put my PJs on

Still hungry

Skype Diamond and the girls

Really hungry

Decided to peruse through my delicious range of healthy snacks that I’ve been traveling with on this trip

And by delicious, I mean, tasteless, cardboard crap

I opened by bag of barely edible munchies

And had decided to go with a bowl of cereal

Who wouldn’t want a serving of fibre and nuts instead of a Snickers from the mini bar?

And there, in my bag o’ hell was this

OK, not THAT actual cockroach

But a fucking cockroach non-the-less

Now I know, I’m a Kalgoorlie girl

And am tough as shit

(barefoot for the first 5 years of my life

And knocking out the teeth of a 2nd grader when I was in preschool)

The above is probably bullshit

But it’s how I choose to remember it

But Kalgoorlie kid or not, I totally shat myself

You think I’m kidding?

.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, a FUCKING COCKROACH IN MY FOOD SUPPLY

It’s like the universe WANTS me to bury my head in the chocolate covered delights of my hotel room fridge

It’s obvious the universe doesn’t give a flying fuck that I will be vactioning with small children soon

With a swim suit on

Hear that universe?

These children will be scarred for life – permanently curled up in the fetal position

‘Cause you, in all your universe-y wisdom-y, put a God Dam insect in my shit!

.

And in other news – this whole dying a slow death healthy eating, exercising daily bullshit, may just be starting to work

How do I know this?

Because my socks were a little loose on me this morning

I think it’s because they might actually be Dad’s socks, that got mixed up with mine in the laundry

But fuck it, a win’s a win

Me and my skinny feet are taking it!

.

So I totally freak the fuck out about the cockroach

I think it was because it was late

And kinda dark

And I put my hand in the bag and felt something touch it

Not that I don’t enjoy the odd carressing & fondling

But not by a fucking roach thankyouverymcuh!

.

In my freaked out state I went to bed

After I zipped up my food bag and stuck it in the corner

And had nightmares about cockroaches

All night

Cockroaches, cockroaches, COCKSUCKINGROACHES

They were EVERYWHERE

I woke up this morning the total OPPOSITE of refreshed

But I was ready to take on the beast

I was so brave

I opened up the bag slowly

And couldn’t see it

So I gave the bag a bit of a shake

And still couldn’t see it

Oh, look! There it is!

Dude, that thing was soooo much bigger last night

Like, a hundred bazillion times bigger

There are about 4,500 species of cockroach, apparently the smallest kind was my new visitor

Did you know that cockroaches have been known to live up to three months without food and a month without water?

Me either – thanks Google

So if this little fucker can go so long without food, why is he all up in my business?

I can barely go 60 minutes without food and he wants me to SHARE?

I’ll fucking share you

I should eat you

Which is what I told everyone on Twitter that I did last night

And ummm….I pretty sure most of you believed me

Thanks for THAT peeps

But being the responsible eater I’m so fucking not trying to be

I thought I’d at least suss out the calorie content of the average cockroach

The closest thing I could find is that they have about the same amount of calories as shrimp

Really?

Who works this shit OUT?

Hi, my name is Mr Dorky-Fuck-Face, & I’m a cockroach calorie consultant

It said that they carry bacteria and can make you sick

It didn’t mention that they can also make you shit your pants and have nightmares

Another useless tidbit for you: earthworms are higher in protein than steak

You’re welcome

Anyhoo

I didn’t even bother letting the guest-from-hell out so I could kill it

I left it in the bag, next to the bin in my room

With a note for housekeeping

“Please feel free to keep this bag & help yourself to the contents

It’s all lovely, lowfat food. Except for the cockroach.

He is lowfat but he’s not lovely.

He’s an arsehole”