the bitch is back

Trick or Treating with the kids and their friends this year was pretty great

It was a drizzly, dark day – but not cold at all
Picture perfect Halloween weatherIMG_0601
We’d normally leave the dogs outside (in the backyard) if we’re going to be gone a few hours
But we weren’t sure how much it would rain
And Fluffy is a pussy
So we left them inside

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Diamond and I went back to our house a few hours later to change out of our itchy, polyester Smurf outfits, while the kids were at our neighbor’s house, where we were all meeting back for dinner

Imagine our WHAT-THE-FUCK faces when we walked up to our front door
To find it wide open **, and Fluffy barking like a nutter
And Eva nowhere in sight

Careful what you wish for, you guys.

All I could think of was, no way am *I* going to be the one to tell the kids that their dog
a) got out
b) got hit by a car
c) is never coming back
d) all of the above

While Diamond stood out in the driveway and did his best Marlon Brando in Streetcar Named Deisre, screaming, “E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-VAaaaaaahhhhh!!!”

I grabbed the keys to his car and started driving slowly through our subdivision

I stopped groups of trick-or-treaters whenever I saw them, to ask if they’d seen a little black dog

Of course they hadn’t
At that point, it was pitch black out, and Eva is faster than lightening.
If she WAS still alive, she’d be a little black-blur-of-fur darting in and out of people’s yards
Probably thinking this was the best game of hide and seek ever

I turned into a street to see a police car parked with it’s light’s flashing
jammed on the brakes and went up the footpath slowly pulled over and parked nicely, remembering at that moment to also put my seatbelt on because I didn’t want to be arrested on the night my dog died
While wearing a Smurf costume
No prison bitch was going to make a Smurfette sandwich out of me
Blue is the new orange…..no thank you

Some trick-or-treaters that I nearly ran over were close by, walked up to the car
I asked if they’d seen a little black dog with white markings on her chest
“Yep”, they said
“She’s in the back of that police car”

Part of me thought they were messing with me
But the drunk other part of me that knows Eva, KNOWS she is totally the kind of dog to go and and party so hard that she’d score a ride home in a police car
I threw open my door
Ran over to the police car and banged on his door

“Do you have a black dog?”
“What sort of black dog?”, he said
I looked in his backseat. “The kind you have sitting in the back of your car” you douche

He wound down the back window
Can dog’s throw themselves?
‘Cause Eva THREW herself through that open window into my arms

I may have cried
But NOT because I love her
Only because I was so relieved to not have to give my kids the “Your dog died and now Halloween is ruined forever” speech

When Eva got out, she wasn’t wearing tags
I know, that’s stupid….but I swear she eats them
EATS. THEM.
Hers and Fluffy’s

Today I went and got them new ones
It took longer than it should have
Because hello, how the fuck do you work this thing?
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You type in their name
I decided to just use her first name
Also, Evil Eva the Diva Motherfucker didn’t fit anywayIMG_0781

Fluffy is wearing his proudly
He’s such a good dog it’s ridiculous
I mean, our front door was open for HOURS and he never left
We still can’t quite believe that he didn’t leave
Just sat their, scaring the shit out of trick-or-treaters that were stupid brave enough to walk up to our (open) door with a 150 pound frenzied ball of fur growling at themIMG_0779
Eva, seen here giving me her best side-eye, hasn’t eaten hers (or Fluffy’s yet)
But really, it’s only a matter of timeIMG_0808
She hasn’t met anything, including metal chains, that she can’t treat as a mealIMG_0807
And yeah, I’ll say it
It would have sucked had things not turned out OK
We got lucky
Sooooo lucky
She’s still a little shit, and thinks the kitchen floor is her toilet
But she loves to groom Fluffy and sucks up his massive amounts of drool and slobber before it hits the walls, floor and yes, ceiling
It’s a full time job and a pretty rank thing to watch her do…. she just puts her head in his mouth and ughhhh….you know that suction-tube thing that they put in your mouth at the dentist?
She’s like a farting version of that
So Fluffy loves her
The girls adore her
In Diamond’s eyes she can do no wrong
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And me?
I went looking for her didn’t I?
OK, whatever…I might love her a bit
Ask me again in the morning when I’m picking up her poo and accidentally leaving the front door open

 



** Not sure who didn’t close our door properly, yes I do it was totally Diamond but it wasn’t me!

climbing the coat hanger

It started with this
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Most of you probably already know, that I’m not THAT girl
You know, the adventurous girl, the thrill seeking Sheila
My preferred kind of adrenalin rush, usually involves a mall, annual sales, a new outfit with matching shoes
Followed by celebratory wine drinking

So the more I though about this ‘let’s climb to the top of the widest Longspan Bridge in the world
That happens to be 139 metres (439.632546 fucking feet) above sea level’
The more was I like, sweet Jesus…how do I get OUT of doing this??

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I mean, I don’t even go out onto hotel balconies if I’m more than 2 stories up
I get all tingly (and not in a good way) and my stomach starts to try and escape from my body

But Mum and Dad were excited, and determined that it’d be ‘awesome’ and I would ‘love it’
It’s one of the many things on their bucket list, that they’ve been ploughing through lately
And after confirming that neither of them were ‘dying’, thus ruling THAT out as the reason we were ticking of things on their bucket list….I agreed
Because I have no brains
Sydney_Harbour_Bridge_with_vie_12844775
And was not prepared to be called a pussy by my parents for years to come

Turns out, once we were there and getting suited up, I started to relax
(even though this photo would suggest otherwise)
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Our guide, slash leader, slash chick who I was entrusting with my life, was a top lady who was equal parts informative, fun and reassuring
The latter being exactly what I needed
Her name was Leah, I liked her, and she totally didn’t flinch when I insisted on holding her hand for the first hour of training
She gave us our safety briefing, got kitted up with headsets (so we could hear her) lots of clips to hold onto sunglasses etc, so that we didn’t drop anything off the bridge, that would land on cars below. Apparently that would be bad. We also had thick bungee cord looking things that would attach us to the bridge, in case we fell off
What a lovely thought
Personally, my cord looked as though it wouldn’t support the weight of my leg, let alone my entire corpse
‘Cause you KNOW I’d be dead of a heart attack WAY before I ever hit the water

Anyhoo, once all the training, lectures blah, blah –can’t we just get this over with already- were done, we headed to the steps

1,437 just to get up!
It’s a combination of ladders and stairs
I was doing fine with both (go me!)
BridgeClimb Sydney Flags Morning
Until we reached the first platform, where Leah stopped to give us some information about the bridge’s history
We were standing on a grated platform….you know, one you can SEE THROUGH
I looked down
And prompty burst into tears
We weren’t even ONE FIFTH of the way up

I was all, fuck this, fuck me for saying yes, fuck the eggs I had for brekky, fuck, fuck, FUCK.

After some deep breathing, encouragement from Mum and Dad, and the realisation that we were all tethered to each other, so how the hell could I get down WITHOUT going up first…..I worked out, that if I just looked up, I didn’t get as scared
And I kept chanting to myself, from my favourite movie character of all time – Dory, from Finding Nemo…..’just keep swimming, just keep swimming’

PLUS, I was the youngest in our group by about 20 years, so I needed to suck it up, cause none of the pensioners were remotely freaking out
Just me

Also, it was a nice, warm day, so the pee in my pants dried pretty quickly
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I kept going
And kept going
Doing lots of little nervous farts along the way
Because I don’t know about you guys, but when I’m nervous, I get GAS
And I slowly started to see, that it did get better
It did get easier

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I was almost having fun
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I mean, I still wasn’t going to look down for love nor money415115555

But if I looked OUT, the view was ah-may-zing!
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Mum and Dad LOVED it
No fear, just climbed the shit out of that bridge, enjoying Sydney from the best view in the city
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Me?
I’m so glad I got through it
I surprised myself
The fear eventually went away, and I did OK
I can actually say I enjoyed it

Would I recommend it?
Absolutely
Would I do it again?
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Next time, maybe I’ll just watch YOU do it.

snow pain…snow gain

I posted this on Facebook yesterday

And you guys guys were all,
“Are you drunk Jen?”
“Are you fucking crazy Jen?”
“STOOPID!”
“You idiot!”
I could go on
Side note: you guys should say what you REALLY feel

Anyhoo, we ended up having an AMAZING time, so there!
Made a lot easier by me not being the only Mum there
AAANNNDD….all of us bringing wine
Of course

It was so fun

The hill was so fast

My kid’s little pink faces were numb, but so happy

Until

Oh Magoo

I was *this close* to taking her to the hospital (this is the part where you guys say ‘I told you so Jen, you fucktard’
She’s not a cry-er (she’d already tumbled too many times to count…and ran into the trees more than once…and she just stood up and did a little happy/Rocky Balboa/fits pump dance)
But holy-mother-of-stacks did she cry this time
I just about had a heart attack when she screamed as she hit the ground
The fact that it was her back she hurt, made me think an ER visit might be the go

We were in the car, half way there, I was trying to calm her down, with promises of 2 minute noodles (her fave), a Buddies movie marathon (her FAVE fave)
And just her and I, in our PJs for the rest of the day….on the couch
I would have promised her anything in the world to stop her crying. A trip to Disneyland!
A pony! A baby brother!
Another dog even?
Fuck off. She wasn’t crying THAT much.
She sucked up her sobbing enough to whisper, “OK Mama”

She’s had an icepack strapped to her so much, her new nickname is Numb-Bum
She’s bruised, and very sore
But as always…she’s smiling
Love that kid.

It hasn’t stopped snowing all day today….so we might even grab our sleds and head back to the hill!
AS. IF.
There’s not enough WINE ice in this house to go through that again
Thank-you-very-much-can’t-believe-you-would-even-suggest-that-the-fuck-you-guys?