Category Archives: husband

conversations at the racetrack

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Diamond got the chance to drive a race car
Being a boy ‘n all that
He was MOST excited to get the chance to drive said race car
Sometimes Santa DOES pick the winner gift
Youcanthankmelater
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Macaroni would have loved to have a turn too
over my limp lifeless dead body
Magoo wasn’t so sure

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What if he crashes?

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He drove like a mofo for 28 laps – he got up to 160 miles/ 257 km per hour
He was supposed to do just 18 laps, but their car dash camera didn’t work, and he didn’t want a t-shirt of the experience, he wanted the video.
So they GAVE him another 10 laps, and re-recorded that.
We have now watched that video forty-hundred times. Yeh.

The whole time he was whizzing around the track, Magoo kept saying, I don’t want to be an orphan. Orphan’s have to share a room with hundreds of other orphans and wear really ugly dresses
??
I’m like, you can only be an orphan if BOTH your parents are deadIMG_2146

Oh…
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And she’s like, well I still hope he doesn’t crash
I don’t want to be a black widow either

What the…??

happily eva-after?

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OK, I’d like to start this post of with a tip for all you married fellas
If you have a conversation with your wife that you start with, “…OK, so don’t be mad at me….BUT….”
She IS going to be mad at you
Instantly PISSED
Especially if you are Skyping each other from thousands of miles away
And you’re obviously hiding something behind your back, so she can’t see it

Then, in a big reveal, you bring around to the front what you’ve been hiding
AND IT’S A FUCKING DOG!

Yeah that.
That is what happened in my world last week
And it’s taken me days….DAYS I say, to calm down enough to share with you guys

I was SO pms ranty and yelling, “…Jesus motherfucking Christ, what is wrong with you?? Another dog?”

When the last ‘should we get another dog’ discussion we had, mentioned the words, absolutely not, and no fucking way, more than once. From both of us.
We have the Fluffinator. A 150 pound ball of white, barking fur.
And we adore him.
But he does NOT need a friend, for fuck’s sake
He is a (lovable) beast that is more than enough for one household thankyouverymuch.

I was thinking Diamond must have lost the plot since I’ve been away on tour.
Another dog! He’s gone fucking mental.
Can someone stop by and pick up my kids?
But……after having a few wines thinking about it though, it would seem it might in fact, be the opposite

Because…

A) I am on the other side of the world and can do nothing about it
B) it (better fucking be) will be toilet trained by the time I get back
C) she will be more a part of the family THAN ME when I eventually DO get home

Well fucking played Diamond
Well fucking played

Her name is Eva
She’s a Puggle
Which for the record, isn’t even a REAL breed of dog
It a bastard ‘BITSA’. Which is a bit of a Pug, and a bit of a Beagle.
I just saw them for sale at Harrods over here in the UK…..for £2,000
Yes, you read right. TWO THOUSAND POUNDS. As in $3100 US or Australian dollars.
For a fucking dog
Not. Joking.
I told Diamond this little ball of floppy black ears better have been found abandoned on the side of the road with a sign around her neck saying, “Free to good home”

But Magoo, bless her cotton socks, is forever looking on the bright side,

“…Mummy, I wanted a little brother, and I have Fluffy.
And then I wanted a little sister too, and now I have Eva.

And you didn’t even have to hatch her out of your pee pee!
You’re going to love her Mama!”

You know…..she might just be right.
Don’t you dare tell Diamond I said that.