On our mini-vacation last week – the kids had a ball

We went to Great Wolf Lodge again

But this time, thanks to my iPhone, we got STRAIGHT THERE

Unlike last time when I completely fucked up and took us HOURS in the wrong direction

So yeah, this trip was already going better than last time

We arrived in time to chuck our bathers on & go right downstairs to the indoor waterpark

Once the humid stench of chlorine and children became too much

We went outside to the hotel pool

Which has a bar, so Diamond and I made ourselves comfy while the girls played

They were running around, screaming & having a ball

But then I didn’t hear them & couldn’t see them

So I raced over to the water and saw this

Miss 6 floating on her stomach

And I just bout puked on myself

Until she stuck her head out of the water and started laughing

I’m like, DUDE!

You just about gave me a heart attack!!

Do you realise that when you lay on your tummy like that, with your arms stretched out to the side

It looks like you’ve drowned?

She said, Yeah Mummy I know

Apparently Miss 4 had showed her how to do it

And they were getting their jollys by taking turns to freak-the-fuck out of the teenage lifeguard

I’m starting to get a sense  that Miss 6 & Miss 4′s teenage years might not be the trouble-free-bonding-chick-flick-filled-laugh-a-minute joyride I was planning on

In fact, I’m ‘sensing’, their idea of fun & playing pranks might just turn those years into a fucking nightmare

Which is why I’m so grateful they have dual citizenship

And their Nanna & Poppy have a spare room

Buh bye!

My TWEET from the other day

And it got me to thinking

Do I REALLY break something on EVERY tour?

Am I actually that much of a clumsy fuck?

So I’ve been going back over the last couple of years tours

Trying to remember what, if anything, I broke

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am, indeed, quite the clusterfuck

When out on tour

I don’t think I really break much when I’m at home & not touring

Except for maybe the kid’s hearts

When I tell them that I ate the last chocolate/no they can’t have another dog/yes, I am the only Mum they get

But on tour, WOW, I’m a fucking wrecking ball

Couches – I dropped my suitcase on it

Beds – I knocked the legs off one trying to hold onto it doing sit ups

Curtains – I was trying to OPEN them

Fridges – From trying to break the padlock on the mini bar (that I put on there myself, to tell myself to back-the-fuck-off) to try and get to the chocolate

Lamps – which are usually ugly as shit anyway, so I think I did the hotels a favour there

You name it

I’ve totally smashed the shit out of it

And I’m not a violent person either

Well, if you don’t count that time in Bali when I might have had too much to drink and some futher mucker at the bar wouldn’t take no for an answer and when I left he tried to follow me back to my hotel and I thought I was tough little fucker ’cause I’d done one & half kick boxing classes and the heel of my six inch stiletto may have got caught in his face and I had to pull it out myself but I don’t think he knew because he was laying in the gutter having a nap or maybe he was dead but either way, there was blood on my new shoe and it was his fault

But other than that, I’m not violent at all

I mean I’ve smashed things

On purpose

But only when it’s life or death

Like the time that I was in Paris with my Mum because Dad was touring the UK and Mum & I thought we were world travelers and took a little flight over there for the day only to find that everyone thought we were from England and treated us like shit until we put our (ugly) Koala broaches on to show that we were in fact Australian so the bastards would be nicer to us, which they were at the cafe where we had  lunch consisting of water and donuts ’cause that’s all we understood from the froggy menu but the donuts were grody and made my guts ache and I had to use a bathroom up the street at the bottom of a spiral staircase that was so narrow & steep I could only open the door of the toilet a smidge & had to squeeze in there and then shut the door which, after my bodily contents left me, I couldn’t get open and I started to freak ’cause there wasn’t mobile phones back then and I learned the hard way that I am a LOT claustrophobic when I am breathing in my own stench 3 floors below ground in a toilet coffin with a stuck door that I ended up kicking off the hinges in my complete panicked state only days later realising that that was pretty Wonder Woman of me and I went on to make enquiries about customising my own superhero costume in case I was faced with another near death experience as a tourist in Paris

(who knew that when I googled ‘trapped hot claustrophobic blonde in french thunder box’ that I would find this bitch acting out my nightmare?)

So THAT was totally not my fault either

I just think maybe they don’t make hotels like they used to

But today’s one seems to be fine

I haven’t broken anything

Except for when I accidently punched the housekeeping lady in the nose this morning when I was helping her make my bed because I am lovely

Which TOTALLY doesn’t count, because I didn’t actually BREAK her nose

It just bled a little

So really, I’m improving

I started off this tour with some solo shows in Western Australia

I had a few days to fill

So I picked some of my favourite places to play

I always have a ball in Geraldton

So that was on the list

And I’m kind of from Perth

So that had to be on the list

But I’m also FROM Kalgoorlie (left when I was 10, for Perth)

I kind of have 2 hometowns I guess

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When I play in Kalgoorlie

I always play at the same place

It’s actually in Boulder

The town that’s adjacent to Kalgoorlie

They’re both part of an area known as the GOLDFIELDS

So, I try to remember to say that I’m playing in the Goldfields

‘Cause you know how I HATE to piss anyone off

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Kalgoorlie & Boulder are like siblings

They give each other shit

And you never want to be thought of as being from one of them, if you’re from the other

Blasphemy!

It’s a lot like the Australia / New Zealand relationship

Or the U.S.A / Canada relationship

Each gives the other one a hard time

But would totally beat the shit out of anyone who messed with their neighbour

.

Just like siblings

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Anyhoo

A million years ago when I was just starting out with my band

My COUNTRY band

Go on, I know you want to laugh

Let me make it easier for you

I called my band the WHAM BAM THANK YOU BAND

Oh yes I did

.

So back when we were first starting out

Getting gigs was never easy

Getting venues to give an unknown act a shot was hard yakka

In fact it was fucking hard yakka

But eventually it did get easier

We became more popular and it wasn’t such a drama anymore

But in the beginning there were very few places that gave us a go

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One of those places that did give us a shot

Was the Grand Hotel

In Boulder

It’s one of the original pubs left in Kalgoorlie/Boulder

Not done up at all

Nothing fancy

It’s the real deal

I love the place

And it was almost blasphemous for a Kalgoorlie girl to play in a Boulder pub

But you know what?

Those KALGOORLIE pubs didn’t want to know us back then

And that’s why I like to call myself a GOLDFIELD’S girl

It seems to keep everyone happy

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That first gig in Boulder was a LONG time ago

Maybe 15 years (?)

And I’ve been back to gig in the Goldfield’s a lot since then

And every time

I play at the Grand

I guess it’s a loyalty thing

But it’s more than that

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Frankie & Ken, who run the pub

Have become like family

They’re good people

Good family people

They have five children

And over the years all of them

And their grandkids

Have worked / lived at the pub at some point

A lot of them still do

It’s like a clan

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Since I last played the Grand

Frankie & Ken’s son Mick passed away

And I can see a change in them both

They’re holding their family just that little bit tighter

But they’re still the good, GREAT people they’ve always been

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And fuck do they sure know how to have a good time

And laugh?

We sure did

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After the gigs there, Heiny and I headed back to Perth

And the next day

THIS HAPPENED

Holy shit!

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I’m happy to report that everyone’s OK

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And I’m hoping the Grand will still be there when this Goldfield’s girl goes home next time

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UPDATE: The Grand needs a few repairs – but it’s not going anywhere. You beauty!

I was so keen to do this tour of the Northern Territory with Dad

Especially to get to visit places like Jabiru, where I haven’t been before

Dad is a walking encyclopedia on Australia, and reckons every Australian should get to this part of the country in their lifetime

And he’s right

The word spectacular is so overused and seemingly inappropriate

Until you come here

In the heart of the Kakadu National Park

A bit of info for you:

Kakadu has been home to Aboriginal people for more than 50,000 years, and during that time the land and their culture have become intertwined. Kakadu National Park is managed jointly by its Aboriginal traditional owners and the Director of National Parks.

Covering nearly 20,000 square kilometres, (7,700 miles) Kakadu is one of very few places World Heritage listed for both its cultural and its natural values. Its enduring natural values stem from its exceptional beauty and unique biodiversity, its variety of landforms, habitats and wildlife.

Kakadu is a living cultural landscape. Generations of Bininj/Mungguy have lived on and cared for this country for tens of thousands of years. Their spiritual connection with the land is globally recognised in Kakadu’s World Heritage listing, which honours one of the oldest living societies on earth. The natural and cultural heritage of Kakadu has also been identified as a key element of Australia’s great National Landscapes

Kakadu National Park is a timeless place – a landscape of exceptional beauty, great biodiversity and a wide variety of of landforms, habitats and wildlife. Kakadu is home to 68 mammals (almost one-fifth of Australia’s mammals), more than 120 reptiles, 26 frogs, more than 2,000 plants and over 10,000 species of insects.

And for the record, I think I’ve seen at least 7 species of the frogs so far

They’ve be hanging outside our hotel rooms

Much to Mum’s horror

She’s finally turned into an indoorsy girl

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We have a great family friend who is a ranger out here, and he’s offered to give us a special tour of the area

Fishing, feeding the crocs, cruising around in a boat & taking in the mind blowing scenery

If you add booze to that, could it get any better?

We don’t have time on this tour, we’re traveling to a different gig every day

So I was talking to Diamond and the girls about Kakadu & how amazing it is

And said we should totally plan a family trip here one day

Once I told Diamond about the fishing and the booze he didn’t need much more convincing

And once I told the girls about where we’d get to sleep, they were sold

‘Cause the hotel we’ve stayed in on this tour is pretty awesome

When we checked in, it seemed to be a pretty nice looking place

From the inside, the rooms looked nice too

So there was really no indication that it was much different from some of our other accommodations

Until you get an arial view

(My helicopter’s in for repairs, so I had to borrow these images from google)

How cool is that?

We spent the night inside a crocodile!

My room was actually right in the belly

Once I told the girls about that, they squeeled so loud I muted the volume on skype for a minute got soooo excited

And I’m a dickhead, ‘cause now they’re already asking how many sleeps until they get to go sleep in the crocodile

Miss 6 wanted to know, ‘does the belly of the crocodile have actual replicas of crocodile intestines in there?’

And Miss 4 wanted to know, ‘does the cwocodial just poop us out when it’s time to leave?’

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Man, I love those kids