My TWEET from the other day

And it got me to thinking

Do I REALLY break something on EVERY tour?

Am I actually that much of a clumsy fuck?

So I’ve been going back over the last couple of years tours

Trying to remember what, if anything, I broke

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am, indeed, quite the clusterfuck

When out on tour

I don’t think I really break much when I’m at home & not touring

Except for maybe the kid’s hearts

When I tell them that I ate the last chocolate/no they can’t have another dog/yes, I am the only Mum they get

But on tour, WOW, I’m a fucking wrecking ball

Couches – I dropped my suitcase on it

Beds – I knocked the legs off one trying to hold onto it doing sit ups

Curtains – I was trying to OPEN them

Fridges – From trying to break the padlock on the mini bar (that I put on there myself, to tell myself to back-the-fuck-off) to try and get to the chocolate

Lamps – which are usually ugly as shit anyway, so I think I did the hotels a favour there

You name it

I’ve totally smashed the shit out of it

And I’m not a violent person either

Well, if you don’t count that time in Bali when I might have had too much to drink and some futher mucker at the bar wouldn’t take no for an answer and when I left he tried to follow me back to my hotel and I thought I was tough little fucker ’cause I’d done one & half kick boxing classes and the heel of my six inch stiletto may have got caught in his face and I had to pull it out myself but I don’t think he knew because he was laying in the gutter having a nap or maybe he was dead but either way, there was blood on my new shoe and it was his fault

But other than that, I’m not violent at all

I mean I’ve smashed things

On purpose

But only when it’s life or death

Like the time that I was in Paris with my Mum because Dad was touring the UK and Mum & I thought we were world travelers and took a little flight over there for the day only to find that everyone thought we were from England and treated us like shit until we put our (ugly) Koala broaches on to show that we were in fact Australian so the bastards would be nicer to us, which they were at the cafe where we had  lunch consisting of water and donuts ’cause that’s all we understood from the froggy menu but the donuts were grody and made my guts ache and I had to use a bathroom up the street at the bottom of a spiral staircase that was so narrow & steep I could only open the door of the toilet a smidge & had to squeeze in there and then shut the door which, after my bodily contents left me, I couldn’t get open and I started to freak ’cause there wasn’t mobile phones back then and I learned the hard way that I am a LOT claustrophobic when I am breathing in my own stench 3 floors below ground in a toilet coffin with a stuck door that I ended up kicking off the hinges in my complete panicked state only days later realising that that was pretty Wonder Woman of me and I went on to make enquiries about customising my own superhero costume in case I was faced with another near death experience as a tourist in Paris

(who knew that when I googled ‘trapped hot claustrophobic blonde in french thunder box’ that I would find this bitch acting out my nightmare?)

So THAT was totally not my fault either

I just think maybe they don’t make hotels like they used to

But today’s one seems to be fine

I haven’t broken anything

Except for when I accidently punched the housekeeping lady in the nose this morning when I was helping her make my bed because I am lovely

Which TOTALLY doesn’t count, because I didn’t actually BREAK her nose

It just bled a little

So really, I’m improving

I started off this tour with some solo shows in Western Australia

I had a few days to fill

So I picked some of my favourite places to play

I always have a ball in Geraldton

So that was on the list

And I’m kind of from Perth

So that had to be on the list

But I’m also FROM Kalgoorlie (left when I was 10, for Perth)

I kind of have 2 hometowns I guess

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When I play in Kalgoorlie

I always play at the same place

It’s actually in Boulder

The town that’s adjacent to Kalgoorlie

They’re both part of an area known as the GOLDFIELDS

So, I try to remember to say that I’m playing in the Goldfields

‘Cause you know how I HATE to piss anyone off

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Kalgoorlie & Boulder are like siblings

They give each other shit

And you never want to be thought of as being from one of them, if you’re from the other

Blasphemy!

It’s a lot like the Australia / New Zealand relationship

Or the U.S.A / Canada relationship

Each gives the other one a hard time

But would totally beat the shit out of anyone who messed with their neighbour

.

Just like siblings

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Anyhoo

A million years ago when I was just starting out with my band

My COUNTRY band

Go on, I know you want to laugh

Let me make it easier for you

I called my band the WHAM BAM THANK YOU BAND

Oh yes I did

.

So back when we were first starting out

Getting gigs was never easy

Getting venues to give an unknown act a shot was hard yakka

In fact it was fucking hard yakka

But eventually it did get easier

We became more popular and it wasn’t such a drama anymore

But in the beginning there were very few places that gave us a go

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One of those places that did give us a shot

Was the Grand Hotel

In Boulder

It’s one of the original pubs left in Kalgoorlie/Boulder

Not done up at all

Nothing fancy

It’s the real deal

I love the place

And it was almost blasphemous for a Kalgoorlie girl to play in a Boulder pub

But you know what?

Those KALGOORLIE pubs didn’t want to know us back then

And that’s why I like to call myself a GOLDFIELD’S girl

It seems to keep everyone happy

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That first gig in Boulder was a LONG time ago

Maybe 15 years (?)

And I’ve been back to gig in the Goldfield’s a lot since then

And every time

I play at the Grand

I guess it’s a loyalty thing

But it’s more than that

.

Frankie & Ken, who run the pub

Have become like family

They’re good people

Good family people

They have five children

And over the years all of them

And their grandkids

Have worked / lived at the pub at some point

A lot of them still do

It’s like a clan

.

Since I last played the Grand

Frankie & Ken’s son Mick passed away

And I can see a change in them both

They’re holding their family just that little bit tighter

But they’re still the good, GREAT people they’ve always been

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And fuck do they sure know how to have a good time

And laugh?

We sure did

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After the gigs there, Heiny and I headed back to Perth

And the next day

THIS HAPPENED

Holy shit!

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I’m happy to report that everyone’s OK

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And I’m hoping the Grand will still be there when this Goldfield’s girl goes home next time

.

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UPDATE: The Grand needs a few repairs – but it’s not going anywhere. You beauty!