That I didn’t really want to do

And had been putting off

Leaving me 4 days to do it all

Fucking idiot

We started with rock-climbing Thursday and then moved onto a play date at MacDonalds

I know, all the parents right now just involuntarily shuddered

MacDonald’s playground? During the school holidays? On a fucking FRIDAY?!?

Fucking idiot

If you ever want to see the worst of human nature – from hygiene to parenting

That place is where you’ll find it, in one closed in, germ loaded, trans fat filled building

Then we moved on to iceskating on Saturday

No children were harmed in the fun making process, but there’s a Mummy with sore legs and ears. Yep, I said EARS. The fuck?

Sunday was rollerskating

At a rink that doesn’t give a fuck that it’s 2012. It was built in the sixties and convinced that it’s 70′s decor is the shit and ahead of the curve

Dudes, I actually busted out laughing when we walked in

And of course, fell in love with the place

Except for some arsehole there who, I shit you not, threw a roller-skate at his (maybe 6 year old) daughter, because she said her feet hurt and she didn’t want to skate anymore

I looked straight at him, put my phone to my ear and mouthed the words *DCFS, MOTHERFUCKER

I didn’t see him after that. he was probably outside, cutting the brake lines on my car

The highlight of the afternoon was seeing just how easy it was to embarrass our kids

Diamond and I had a couple’s skate to Skater Boy  (think, ‘You’re the One That I Want’ done to Avril Lavigne. Oh yes we did)

Magoo went a special shade of purple, and Macaroni hid in the toilet ’til the song was over

Today, they couldn’t get out of the house fast enough to go back to school

And now I have no one to play with

I see you in the kitchen putting your hand up, Diamond.

* DCFS = Department of Children and Family Services

They make me laugh EVERY time I see them

Surely they were all taken in the days BEFORE digital cameras

Back when you took a pic, and had no idea how it turned out until you picked it up at the photo shop a week later

Because really, if you’d actually seen this shit with your own eyes first

You’d never SHOW it to anyone, right?

RIGHT?

Someone’s a bit excited about the Besty Wetsy doll Santa might bring her this year

This would have absolutely have been my Christmas card this year, if my husband wasn’t such a kill joy. I’m married to the fun police.

Would you even let a dude that looked like this NEAR your kids…..let alone put them on his lap? Looks like he just got done brawling over a bottle of booze in a bag with the other homeless Santas.

If I had a son, he’d totally be the little shit in this pic

I get do all the Christmas fun stuff with the girls

This week I have been to the school 5 times to volunteer with class parties and craft projects

Each time, I have been dressed head to toe, in varying versions of green & red

Always with a different flashing hat

And dripping in dollar store Christmas jewelry

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap

Yesterday I helped Macaroni’s class bake Gingerbread men

Now, me and baking aren’t really mates – so I was hesitant, and wasn’t looking forward to it, but figured it couldn’t be any worse than waxing my own bikini line

All the Mums were gathered in the cafeteria, and the kids came in from the classrooms in groups of 4.

I, not wanting to fuck it up, asked what I should do first

Then a Mum, that obviously hasn’t been laid since January, told me, “washing your hands might be a nice start”

Oh, so THAT’S how we roll at these happy kid-friendly Christmas fun days? Full on bitch mode. Got it.

So I washed my hands, and then pulled up a chair over by the oven. I’d decided to be the boss of ‘timing’ the cookies. I just sat there, counting down backwards from seven minutes, loudly – for every batch that sour mutt bought to me

She then told me my outfit was ‘interesting’ and that she too used to have a dark stripe in her hair too – but she ‘grew out of that phase’

Then I saw HER son, picking his nose, then sticking his hands all over the gingerbread dough. He saw me watching him, and kind of shat himself for an instant. ‘Til I gave him a thumbs up and my best, yeah I’d totally wipe boogers in my food if she was my Mum too dude – look

But I think she might have snuck off to pop some happy pills, cause she actually HUGGED me when I left and THANKED ME for coming to help – like she had no idea that she’s been PMS-ing all in my face for the last hour. Skitzo much?

I almost felt bad about wanting to stab her in the eye with a rolling pin

Not really

She should thank Diamond, because I promised him I wouldn’t try to kill random strangers that pissed me anymore. At least not before Christmas anyway.

Anyhoo

Today was candy houses in Magoo’s class

Which was totally awesome cause we got to eat while we worked

The parents were all super nice and friendly

And made much easier by no one hating on my elf costume and glow in the dark snow boots

And my new WINE BRA.

My family, their happiness, our home

Knowing I get to see my Nanna & Pop in 12 more sleeps

My not-yet saggy boobs

What are YOU thankful for right now?

Which means for the next week (at least) we follow each meal with a handful of lollies

Let the dentists of the world celebrate!

We carved pumpkins

Actually, M&M caved their pumpkins

I bought them these cool little battery operated pumpkin saws to use

Thinking they would be kid friendly

Magoo still managed to draw blood

But she’s got a bit of a gift for the ‘clumsy-break-shit-woops-how-did-THAT-happen’

I remember when they couldn’t even pick the pumpkins UP, they were so little

*simultaneous sob & snot wipe*

Trick or treating was awesome this year

The weather stayed great

There were trick-or-treaters all over the neighbourhood

And the kids scored the mother-load of treats

We took the kids out twice

Once, straight after school . Then again after dinner

We didn’t take Fluffy out the first time – he was too busy chewing up his skeleton costume

Fucker

But even without Fluffy

We still managed to make all the little kids either

A) cry

B) run away screaming

C) wet their pants

And in one case, all of the above

I think it may have had something to do with Diamond’s clown costume

Apparently clown costumes freak some people out

I mean it’s one thing to embarrass the shit out of your OWN kids

Realistically, our kids are pretty use to that

But to walk the streets frightening ALL the kids?

I reckon there’s some little buggers that will probably be too scared to even leave their houses next Halloween

What kind of adult / grownup / should know better, would DO that?

MEEE!

As some of you already know, this is Diamond’s fave holiday, so our house has been decorated within an inch of it’s life for-e-ver!

Flashing lights, blow up black cats, smoke machines, witches on the roof, mechanical spiders

You name it, it’s in our front yard

It’s a fair dinkum freak show….and we love it

It’s Macaroni’s fave holiday too – but that’s mainly because October is her birthday month too

My MIL has always called her a Halloween baby

Which makes me think of shit like this

Lovely

We went to the pumpkin patch with the girls last week

And I think we can all agree

That my photo skills, are quite possibly getting worse

I believe it’s a direct result of NOT having a drink before we left the house

That doesn’t happen often, and I think my picture taking skills suffered as a result, agreed?

Anyhoo – was a beautiful day, weather was absolutely stunning

And we scored some fab pumpkins

Chalk it up for a win

We’ll take the kids trick or treating after school today

But we’re still undecided if we’re going to bring the Fluffinator along for the festivities this year

Remember the Halloween shenanigans from 2009?

Fluff’s pretty much been in the Halloween naughty corner since then

I’m thinking it might be time to stick a costume on him and take him out again

Fuck it, I could do with a laugh

Hopefully pics (from tonight) won’t suck hairy goat balls

Maybe someone else should be photog?

I’ll be pretty busy balancing the candy cart that will be half empty by the time we get home my drink

And the 130 pound dog

Now I just need to get him a costume

Any suggestions?

Kids will head straight to the craft kits

And when they’ve used all their supplies up

They’ll head to the fruit basket

Then they’ll head outside and enjoy the rain

I learned that my girls will eat raw fish

If it’s prepared by singing chefs

And presented to them on a train

I found out that I’m not the only one who enjoys a glass of red with the nightly bedtime stories

Am I Nanna?

I learned that Coogie Beach is absolutely spectacular

Even in Winter

I learned that when the rain starts up again

Macaroni & Magoo put on a mean puppet show

Complete with theatrical bows an encore

(note to self, buy more socks)

I was reminded that kids like to run everywhere

And that I need a better bra

The kids learned that Nanna really can’t say no

And they couldn’t be happier about it

I watched Cactus & M&M fall become the bestest of buds

Just like I knew they would

I found someone who loves to read more than me

I learned that when having a tea party, custard tarts are essential

I learned that Magoo is not the only one who likes to rock out with her air guitar

And that Macaroni is not the only one who can draw a spot on picture of Poppy

I learned that no one looks coordinated playing in one of these balls

And nothing is funnier to watch

Lastly, looking at this pic

I know why my back is so bloody sore

Should they choose to get married

They look no further than their own Dad

Wait, that came out TOTALLY wrong, didn’t it?

I mean, look to their Dad as an EXAMPLE

Of what makes a good man

What makes a brilliant husband

And the icing on the cake – what makes the best Daddy I have ever seen

They don’t know any different right now

And I’m sure they think all Daddies are just like theirs

One day, they’ll realise that that Daddies come in all different shapes and sizes

And that theirs, is pretty fucking exceptional

Fatherhood has changed Diamond in so many ways from the man I met more than 12 years ago

Motherhood scared the shit out of me

And it took me more than a little while to find my feet

No such problem with Diamond

From the day Macaroni came into our lives, his world was rocked

So was mine

But that was more to do with a baby in I.C.U, stitches-arama on my vajaj-jay etc etc…

And me being terrified

Diamond, from the get-go, was a pro

In the way he held her, tended to her

And the way he loved her….oh how he loved her

Then along comes Magoo, and he went into overdrive

Triple the love…his heart just about burst

Me being away so much is not easy him, I know that

But he puts 110% into making sure our girls don’t skip a beat when I’m gone

While I’m on tour – their days are one non-stop playdate, adventure, jam packed, fun filled good time

He doesn’t resent the time I’m away

He’d be the first to tell you that he’s a lucky man – getting to have the time he does with his girls

And they in turn, adore their Daddy

No one makes them laugh like he does

No one can fix whatever Magoo has is broken like he can

No one makes better popcorn

No one builds a better treehouse

No one pushes them on the swings as high

No one makes up a better bedtime story

No one can serve up a better batch of pancakes

No one can make a boo-boo better as quickly

From baseball to Barbies, no one is a better buddy to hang out with

So maybe one day, when my girls find a partner

They might not stack up to the man their Daddy is

Shit, they might not ever leave home

Which, I’m pretty sure is all part of Diamond’s master plan

But one day, they will know just how lucky they really are

They couldn’t be more loved or treasured

That’s a feeling I hope shapes who they become

That they carry with them for the rest of their lives

So this is me, in a very fucking long convoluted way, wishing all the Fathers out there, in the UK & USA

A Happy Father’s Day

And I guess all the other places where it isn’t Father’s Day yet, like Australia

But most of all to my children’s Daddy, Diamond

We are very lucky girls

Mine started out awesome

And just got better.

Some people love their Mum’s more than anything in the world

But they don’t have them around anymore

So on this Mother’s Day

Whether your Mum is sitting right next to you

On the other side of the world

Or your guardian angel

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mums

Wherever they may be

x