We went to Great Wolf Lodge again

But this time, thanks to my iPhone, we got STRAIGHT THERE

Unlike last time when I completely fucked up and took us HOURS in the wrong direction

So yeah, this trip was already going better than last time

We arrived in time to chuck our bathers on & go right downstairs to the indoor waterpark

Once the humid stench of chlorine and children became too much

We went outside to the hotel pool

Which has a bar, so Diamond and I made ourselves comfy while the girls played

They were running around, screaming & having a ball

But then I didn’t hear them & couldn’t see them

So I raced over to the water and saw this

Miss 6 floating on her stomach

And I just bout puked on myself

Until she stuck her head out of the water and started laughing

I’m like, DUDE!

You just about gave me a heart attack!!

Do you realise that when you lay on your tummy like that, with your arms stretched out to the side

It looks like you’ve drowned?

She said, Yeah Mummy I know

Apparently Miss 4 had showed her how to do it

And they were getting their jollys by taking turns to freak-the-fuck out of the teenage lifeguard

I’m starting to get a sense  that Miss 6 & Miss 4′s teenage years might not be the trouble-free-bonding-chick-flick-filled-laugh-a-minute joyride I was planning on

In fact, I’m ‘sensing’, their idea of fun & playing pranks might just turn those years into a fucking nightmare

Which is why I’m so grateful they have dual citizenship

And their Nanna & Poppy have a spare room

Buh bye!

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Decided to take the girls downtown for the day this week

They love catching the train (& I hate driving down there) so we did

Then we walked for a while

And Miss 4 said, this was the BESTEST DAY OF HER LIFE!

Until I told her that the only reason I brought the stroller with us, was to carry all our shit

And it wasn’t for her to be pushed around in

I’m like, dude, you’re nearly 5 & hardly even FIT in it anymore

At which point she declared it, THE WORSTEST DAY EVER OF HER LIFE!

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But she got over that shit quick

As soon as she saw this

After a quick double-layer-head-to-toe-spray of sun block

The girls took off

These water-spraying-big-block-thingies-with-ugly-people’s-faces-on-them

Are called the THE CROWN FOUNTAIN

And they’re located at the entrance of MILLENIUM PARK

They’re so much fun for the kids

Kinda weird looking

But an awesome place to hang out and cool off on a hot Chicago day

Why they chose butt-ugly people’s mugs to put on them I’ll never know

And the spitting water thing looks pretty grody, but the kids lost their MINDS whenever it started

Next time they’re bored at home, I’m taking them out the back yard & spitting my sprite all over them

They’ll FLIP!

Because I am creative and obviously awesome at this motherhood caper

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After they rolled around in the water with all the other germy, snotty-nosed kids & I covered them in hand sanitizer

They girls raced off to go and see the ‘BEAN’

Raced, as in – didn’t want to put on any clothes first

Oh, to be 4 & 6 again

And have a butt that doesn’t jiggle or frighten people when you run

It’s pretty cool looking, huh?

I mean, I get that it’s weird

And probably cost the city of Chiacgo a gazillion bucks

But as far as obscure-arty-farty-lumps-of-junk go

I think this one is awesome

Everyone refers to it as the BEAN

But Miss 6 insisted on calling it  CLOUD GATE

Which is it’s ‘proper’ name

She’s also taken to calling me ‘MOTHER’

And informing me that my constant photo taking was ‘not to her liking’

Which made me take more photos

Picnic in the park

With lots of yummy food

That I couldn’t eat because I had oral surgery this week

And I know you’re thinking, what the fuck JT, do you LIVE at the dentist or what?

And I understand that question – ’cause of THIS

Then THIS

Which fucking led to THIS

Anyhoo – I’ve spent the week living on pureed everything, so no picnic food for myself

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We starting hearing some music in the distance

So we headed over to check it out

It was the MILLENIUM / GRANT PARK ORCHESTRA rehearsing

The girls thought it sounded like the soundtrack to a Disney movie

Which is really their only exposure to classical music up until now

But I believe their exposure to Elvis (blame Diamond), Cyndi Lauper, The Grateful Dead, Bonnie Raitt & INXS is good enough to make them well-rounded music lovers

I’m hoping the early years spent listening to Miley Cyrus fades from their memories

Miss 4 finally got her way (because her big sister is a softy)

And got in the stroller

And we walked over to BUCKINGHAM FOUNTAIN

Which I’m told is better to see at night time

When they have a light show

The girls were a little disappointed they weren’t allowed to play ‘in it’

Like they did in the Crown Fountain

Miss 4 showed her displeasure by getting her head caught in the railing

And once Miss 6 & I stopped laughing, we joined forces to pull her out

Of course, that’s the ONE thing I DON’T have pics of

Being a busy rescue-mother and all

Anyhoo

It was a pretty great day with my girls

They are so much fun to just hang out with

I must have worn them out ’cause they slept all the way home in the train

And the bonus?

Including icecream, the whole day cost under $20!

Of course that doesn’t include the $50 parking fine I got at the train station

Fuck

I’m just home

Which means not much time for blogging and the like

And that’s more than OK

‘Cause I’m making the most of spending 24/7 with the fam

Pretty soon they’ll be begging me to go back to work (code for get the fuck outta here)

I’m sure there’s a bucket load of work stuff that I shouldn’t be ignoring and could be doing

Like writing

Or working on stuff for the new DVD

But dude, it’s SUMMER here in Chicago

As in, the SUN IS OUT motherfuckers

We wait SO long for that over here, that it’s hard to stay inside and be productive

When I’d rather hang outside by the pool, and do fuck all

Although today, it is hotter than an Ethiopian runner’s ball sack

So we’ve been doing all the indoor stuff

We just got back from the library

Where some old biatch lectured me about the rules, and how dancing with my kids in the public library, was against them

I asked her to show me where exactly the rules said that

But it was hard to get into a shit flight with an octogenarian, whilst simultaneously setting a how-not-to-act-like-a-crack-whore-in-public example for the kids

So I let the volunteer-grey-nurse-nazi tear me a new one

And I smiled

And walked away

As Miss 6 asked, are ALL old people that grumpy?

And Miss 4 wanted to know, why the mean lady had a beard

So we got outta there before I got busted again

This time for snort laughing & high fiving with children

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Now they’re over hanging out with me

And are playing the game they like to call the ‘secret sister’s club’

That I can’t play because I’m a Mummy

And I won’t let them jump on me ’cause it hurts like a bastard and I bruise easily

And not having a sister makes me ineligible too

Whatever

I’ll just wait

They’ll totally want to play with me again soon

They’ll be begging me to go swimming

And not just because they’re not allowed to go in the pool without me

It’s because they LOVE ME

DUH!

Especially to get to visit places like Jabiru, where I haven’t been before

Dad is a walking encyclopedia on Australia, and reckons every Australian should get to this part of the country in their lifetime

And he’s right

The word spectacular is so overused and seemingly inappropriate

Until you come here

In the heart of the Kakadu National Park

A bit of info for you:

Kakadu has been home to Aboriginal people for more than 50,000 years, and during that time the land and their culture have become intertwined. Kakadu National Park is managed jointly by its Aboriginal traditional owners and the Director of National Parks.

Covering nearly 20,000 square kilometres, (7,700 miles) Kakadu is one of very few places World Heritage listed for both its cultural and its natural values. Its enduring natural values stem from its exceptional beauty and unique biodiversity, its variety of landforms, habitats and wildlife.

Kakadu is a living cultural landscape. Generations of Bininj/Mungguy have lived on and cared for this country for tens of thousands of years. Their spiritual connection with the land is globally recognised in Kakadu’s World Heritage listing, which honours one of the oldest living societies on earth. The natural and cultural heritage of Kakadu has also been identified as a key element of Australia’s great National Landscapes

Kakadu National Park is a timeless place – a landscape of exceptional beauty, great biodiversity and a wide variety of of landforms, habitats and wildlife. Kakadu is home to 68 mammals (almost one-fifth of Australia’s mammals), more than 120 reptiles, 26 frogs, more than 2,000 plants and over 10,000 species of insects.

And for the record, I think I’ve seen at least 7 species of the frogs so far

They’ve be hanging outside our hotel rooms

Much to Mum’s horror

She’s finally turned into an indoorsy girl

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We have a great family friend who is a ranger out here, and he’s offered to give us a special tour of the area

Fishing, feeding the crocs, cruising around in a boat & taking in the mind blowing scenery

If you add booze to that, could it get any better?

We don’t have time on this tour, we’re traveling to a different gig every day

So I was talking to Diamond and the girls about Kakadu & how amazing it is

And said we should totally plan a family trip here one day

Once I told Diamond about the fishing and the booze he didn’t need much more convincing

And once I told the girls about where we’d get to sleep, they were sold

‘Cause the hotel we’ve stayed in on this tour is pretty awesome

When we checked in, it seemed to be a pretty nice looking place

From the inside, the rooms looked nice too

So there was really no indication that it was much different from some of our other accommodations

Until you get an arial view

(My helicopter’s in for repairs, so I had to borrow these images from google)

How cool is that?

We spent the night inside a crocodile!

My room was actually right in the belly

Once I told the girls about that, they squeeled so loud I muted the volume on skype for a minute got soooo excited

And I’m a dickhead, ‘cause now they’re already asking how many sleeps until they get to go sleep in the crocodile

Miss 6 wanted to know, ‘does the belly of the crocodile have actual replicas of crocodile intestines in there?’

And Miss 4 wanted to know, ‘does the cwocodial just poop us out when it’s time to leave?’

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Man, I love those kids

Miss 6 & Miss 4 are upstairs in ‘timeouts’

Miss 6 in her room

And Miss 4 in my office

Normally a timeout would mean them saying, Yes Mummy, putting on their best remorseful faces

And heading upstairs to play or read a book

Not today

Today they are both sitting on the carpet, in the middle of each room

Doing nothing

I’m not sure how long I’m going to let them stew

Is a month too long?

What sort of discipline do you guys use?

‘Cause while the girls are full of awesomeness

They’re kids

And kids can be arseholes

Doesn’t mean we don’t love ‘em

But we all have our days

‘cept me of course, but you knew that already

The trouble started early this week

Miss 6 is on Spring Break from school

So we had the week planned out with fun stuff to do

And lots of playdates

Playdate # 1 – Miss 4 ate all the other kid’s lunches

And Miss 6 made the little sister cry

Not her own little sister that shit happens daily around here

The 4 year old sister of her school friend

So they both got warnings and a stern talking to blah, blah, blah

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Playdate # 2 – Miss 6 put a bean bag on the little sister (again not her own) and made her cry

And Miss 4 stole their telephone

You read that right

She. Stole. Their. Telephone

It was shoved up the sleeve of her jacket when I was trying to buckle her in her seat as we were leaving

And I said, are you kidding me – you’re STEALING their telephone?

And she just looked at me and said,  yes I am

So they got bigger warnings & a grade A stern talking to

That’s the one where my face changes colour

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Now I know some of you are probably thinking, no one deserves this more than me well they’re just kids and that’s what kids do

And I get that

But it’s my goal in life to one day stop wearing maternity clothes not have THOSE kids

You know the ones I mean, I’m sure

THOSE kids that you can’t take anywhere

THOSE kids that are brats?

THOSE kids that when you see them out, you want to slap ‘em upside the head and shoot their parents are sooo glad they’re not yours

(Doesn’t this picture make you want to sew your vajay-jay up?)

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And while I don’t think my kids are even close to being THOSE kids

I’m convinced that even the worst of THOSE kids, must have started out as good kids at some point, right?

So I’m strict

And decided that before playdate #3 today

The girls would clean their toy room

Which looked like an abandoned preschoolers crack house

But they couldn’t do without fighting

So playdate #3 has been cancelled

Yep ,I actually followed through on a threat

I called up playdate #3 and cancelled

And I’m pissed about it

‘Cause today’s playdate was going to be a good one

The Mum is a good friend and she drinks duh, why do you think we’re good friends?

So now I will be drinking at noon, alone having a playdate with myself

*Feel free to insert your own dirty thought here*

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update – just checked on the girls upstairs and they’re asleep thank you, heroin laced cheerios!

some of you will visit with family

some of you will have family visit you

some of you will go to church

some of you will do your praying in private

some of you won’t pray at all

some of you like me will use this day as a damn fine reason to sit on your arse all day and gorge yourself on chocolate until you lapse into a delicious cadbury coma

this song is for you:

CHOCOLATE’S BETTER THAN SEX

HAPPY EASTER

And in no particular order

(I say ‘no particualr order’ ’cause I can’t remember which day any of this shit happened)

We have been to see the Easter Bunny

In our new Easter dresses that Nanna bought

And I have decided that from now on

Every piece of clothing I give them

I will say, ‘Nanna bought it’

Because there’s never once been a, I don’t like it, or that’s not my favourite colour

It’s just a simple, Nanna bought this for me? I LOVE IT!

And to celebrate Miss 4 staying clean for more than 30 minutes their new Nanna dresses

I took the girls to have their portraits done

That’s the place we’re they bust out all their supermodel poses that I have no fucking clue where they got them from

Are my kids the only ones that do this?

Make me feel better, tell me no

And then flatten the batteries on both my iPhones playing games while we wait too bloody long for the pics to be ready

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And to rival their dresses from Nanna

Are the cards from Poppy

I can see where I get my astounding drawing skills from

The man’s gifted

There’s totally an art career waiting for him if he ever wants a break from the comedy

As an illustrator for blind children’s books

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We’ve been to the movies to see How To Train Your Dragon

Where the picking of the candy pre-movie

Took almost as much time as the movie

The movie itself was so cute

Not too long, the kids loved it

And the big kids thought it was funny too

Not quite as funny as Diamond wearing 3D glasses, (no pic of that ’cause he’d kill me the theatre was too dark) but almost

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And today, it’s egg colouring time

Which, truth be told isn’t my fave part of Easter

I think it has something to do with my house ending up smelling like a hard boiled egg FART looking like the food dye fairies just sneezed their goo all over the kitchen

And even if I put the girls in an apron or big old t-shirt

They still seem to get it all over their skin

So, this year I’m going to save the laundry

And we’re going to paint the eggs in the nude

Apologies to the neighbour’s view through our windows what the fuck are you looking in my window for anyway?

But it’s Easter for Christ’s sake

If NOW is not a good time to be naked, when in GOD’S name is it?

So yeah, this year we’re goin’ nekkid

It’s what Jesus would have wanted

Just in case no one loves you you don’t get to hear it today

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

MWAAAH!!

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Now, I know not everyones a fan

It reminds some people of loves lost

And others love it

And go all out

(don’t tell Diamond I used his pic)

There are some people who use it as a good reason to get their sexy on

(wow – 2 pics of Diamond in one post!)

Advertisers use the occasion to shove more images of skinny bitches the female form down our throats

But for me

And I know this would be totally obvious to anyone that knows me isn’t a great shock

It’s about the chocolate

Love the ones that come in the fancy heart boxes

Last year I scored so much good stuff it was awesome

But this year…

I’m going to try and take it a little easier

I never really understood that

I guess I always LOVED coming home after being away

But I’ve just come to realise that it’s been a while since I came back from an actual holiday

Like, a real VACATION

And since Daimond and I got home a few days ago from the Bahamas

I’m all like, hello real world

Don’t you just suck arse?

I mean, we were totally ready to come back

We missed the girls

They didn’t give a shit were having fun with Nanna

And don’t get me wrong, we had the trip of a lifetime

I’m talking, our own personal BUTLER for fuck’s sake

But a week was good, and we were more than ready to get home

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Well aren’t we complete and utter fucktards?

‘Cause the real world blows CHUNKS I tell ya

Traffic

Grumpy people

Crowds

Oh yeah, and who could forget the FUCKING CRAP WEATHER!

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I’m totally getting how weird people just take off

Buy some land in the middle of butt-fuck-Idaho

I could do that I reckon

And I’d get Diamond to build me a schnazzy decked out farm house

And kiss civilization bah-bye!

Just me, Diamond, the girls, Fluffy & my laptop

I could totally do it

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But then I think about the snow

That I love

And my friends

That I’d miss

And the schools

That I couldn’t live without – because the thought of me home-schooling my kids is just too fucking frightening to contemplate

And the shops

Oh, don’t even go there

And the Starbucks around the corner from my house?

Yeah, I’m not going ANYWHERE!

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Until, like….forever!

Or next month for the Queensland tour

Whichever comes first

I’ve never really suffered from the Monday blues

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a real job, working Monday to Friday

And when we’re touring, Monday’s are usually our day off

So I’m normally quite a fan of the ‘MONDAY’

Well I was

My Monday – today, started sucking quite early

The animal shelter called to let us know that we didn’t get Slushy

And I’m like what the fuck? really?

Why?

And the lady was really nice and explained that even thought they TOLD me Slushy was a Great Pyrenees / Saint Bernard mix, they weren’t actually sure

And were just guessing

She could be anything, and they knew we were after at least part Great Pyr

So really, it’s not a bad thing

She’s gone to a home that will no doubt love her

And we can keep searching for the exact dog we want

We still want a rescue dog, so it make take a while to find the right one

In the mean time, I’m going to need to get a pair of rain boots

‘Cause Miss 4 has barely stopped crying all day

And I mean, ALL DAY

She stopped a bit for lunch

And then started right back up again

She has never cried. This. Much. Ever

It’s made for quite the sucky day

And theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen

I open my email to find one from the hotel Diamond and I are booked in at, next week for our vacay-cay

And it basically says, sorry, but we’re mother fuckers it’s not quite finished

So we won’t be opening until the middle of fucking February

And I think I may have actually invented some new swear words

And then I felt like giving Miss 4 a run for her money in the crying department

What the fuck, right?

So, fast forward through all the phonecalls, yelling at hotel fucktards, and kids whining for a puppy

That has pretty much filled up the entire day

And we’re now on our way out to go and visit some more animal shelters

Miss 4 has stopped crying, and is excited

And our hotel fiasco has been fixed

And we got another FREE holiday out of it all

So from a Monday that was totally sucking arse

And making me a believer in Monday-itis

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It’s turned out pretty damn good!