The last few days of school holidays saw us squeezing in all the stuff I’m promised the girls we’d do

That I didn’t really want to do

And had been putting off

Leaving me 4 days to do it all

Fucking idiot

We started with rock-climbing Thursday and then moved onto a play date at MacDonalds

I know, all the parents right now just involuntarily shuddered

MacDonald’s playground? During the school holidays? On a fucking FRIDAY?!?

Fucking idiot

If you ever want to see the worst of human nature – from hygiene to parenting

That place is where you’ll find it, in one closed in, germ loaded, trans fat filled building

Then we moved on to iceskating on Saturday

No children were harmed in the fun making process, but there’s a Mummy with sore legs and ears. Yep, I said EARS. The fuck?

Sunday was rollerskating

At a rink that doesn’t give a fuck that it’s 2012. It was built in the sixties and convinced that it’s 70′s decor is the shit and ahead of the curve

Dudes, I actually busted out laughing when we walked in

And of course, fell in love with the place

Except for some arsehole there who, I shit you not, threw a roller-skate at his (maybe 6 year old) daughter, because she said her feet hurt and she didn’t want to skate anymore

I looked straight at him, put my phone to my ear and mouthed the words *DCFS, MOTHERFUCKER

I didn’t see him after that. he was probably outside, cutting the brake lines on my car

The highlight of the afternoon was seeing just how easy it was to embarrass our kids

Diamond and I had a couple’s skate to Skater Boy  (think, ‘You’re the One That I Want’ done to Avril Lavigne. Oh yes we did)

Magoo went a special shade of purple, and Macaroni hid in the toilet ’til the song was over

Today, they couldn’t get out of the house fast enough to go back to school

And now I have no one to play with

I see you in the kitchen putting your hand up, Diamond.

* DCFS = Department of Children and Family Services

You’ve probably seen some, if not all of these pics before

They make me laugh EVERY time I see them

Surely they were all taken in the days BEFORE digital cameras

Back when you took a pic, and had no idea how it turned out until you picked it up at the photo shop a week later

Because really, if you’d actually seen this shit with your own eyes first

You’d never SHOW it to anyone, right?

RIGHT?

Someone’s a bit excited about the Besty Wetsy doll Santa might bring her this year

This would have absolutely have been my Christmas card this year, if my husband wasn’t such a kill joy. I’m married to the fun police.

Would you even let a dude that looked like this NEAR your kids…..let alone put them on his lap? Looks like he just got done brawling over a bottle of booze in a bag with the other homeless Santas.

If I had a son, he’d totally be the little shit in this pic

Being home in December is the besets of the best

I get do all the Christmas fun stuff with the girls

This week I have been to the school 5 times to volunteer with class parties and craft projects

Each time, I have been dressed head to toe, in varying versions of green & red

Always with a different flashing hat

And dripping in dollar store Christmas jewelry

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap

Yesterday I helped Macaroni’s class bake Gingerbread men

Now, me and baking aren’t really mates – so I was hesitant, and wasn’t looking forward to it, but figured it couldn’t be any worse than waxing my own bikini line

All the Mums were gathered in the cafeteria, and the kids came in from the classrooms in groups of 4.

I, not wanting to fuck it up, asked what I should do first

Then a Mum, that obviously hasn’t been laid since January, told me, “washing your hands might be a nice start”

Oh, so THAT’S how we roll at these happy kid-friendly Christmas fun days? Full on bitch mode. Got it.

So I washed my hands, and then pulled up a chair over by the oven. I’d decided to be the boss of ‘timing’ the cookies. I just sat there, counting down backwards from seven minutes, loudly – for every batch that sour mutt bought to me

She then told me my outfit was ‘interesting’ and that she too used to have a dark stripe in her hair too – but she ‘grew out of that phase’

Then I saw HER son, picking his nose, then sticking his hands all over the gingerbread dough. He saw me watching him, and kind of shat himself for an instant. ‘Til I gave him a thumbs up and my best, yeah I’d totally wipe boogers in my food if she was my Mum too dude – look

But I think she might have snuck off to pop some happy pills, cause she actually HUGGED me when I left and THANKED ME for coming to help – like she had no idea that she’s been PMS-ing all in my face for the last hour. Skitzo much?

I almost felt bad about wanting to stab her in the eye with a rolling pin

Not really

She should thank Diamond, because I promised him I wouldn’t try to kill random strangers that pissed me anymore. At least not before Christmas anyway.

Anyhoo

Today was candy houses in Magoo’s class

Which was totally awesome cause we got to eat while we worked

The parents were all super nice and friendly

And made much easier by no one hating on my elf costume and glow in the dark snow boots

And my new WINE BRA.

I am thankful for so many things

My family, their happiness, our home

Knowing I get to see my Nanna & Pop in 12 more sleeps

My not-yet saggy boobs

What are YOU thankful for right now?