(This post features little-to-no swearing – & lots of photos. So yes, it’s mainly for my Mum & Nanna. Feel free to exit at any time)

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Decided to take the girls downtown for the day this week

They love catching the train (& I hate driving down there) so we did

Then we walked for a while

And Miss 4 said, this was the BESTEST DAY OF HER LIFE!

Until I told her that the only reason I brought the stroller with us, was to carry all our shit

And it wasn’t for her to be pushed around in

I’m like, dude, you’re nearly 5 & hardly even FIT in it anymore

At which point she declared it, THE WORSTEST DAY EVER OF HER LIFE!

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But she got over that shit quick

As soon as she saw this

After a quick double-layer-head-to-toe-spray of sun block

The girls took off

These water-spraying-big-block-thingies-with-ugly-people’s-faces-on-them

Are called the THE CROWN FOUNTAIN

And they’re located at the entrance of MILLENIUM PARK

They’re so much fun for the kids

Kinda weird looking

But an awesome place to hang out and cool off on a hot Chicago day

Why they chose butt-ugly people’s mugs to put on them I’ll never know

And the spitting water thing looks pretty grody, but the kids lost their MINDS whenever it started

Next time they’re bored at home, I’m taking them out the back yard & spitting my sprite all over them

They’ll FLIP!

Because I am creative and obviously awesome at this motherhood caper

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After they rolled around in the water with all the other germy, snotty-nosed kids & I covered them in hand sanitizer

They girls raced off to go and see the ‘BEAN’

Raced, as in – didn’t want to put on any clothes first

Oh, to be 4 & 6 again

And have a butt that doesn’t jiggle or frighten people when you run

It’s pretty cool looking, huh?

I mean, I get that it’s weird

And probably cost the city of Chiacgo a gazillion bucks

But as far as obscure-arty-farty-lumps-of-junk go

I think this one is awesome

Everyone refers to it as the BEAN

But Miss 6 insisted on calling it  CLOUD GATE

Which is it’s ‘proper’ name

She’s also taken to calling me ‘MOTHER’

And informing me that my constant photo taking was ‘not to her liking’

Which made me take more photos

Picnic in the park

With lots of yummy food

That I couldn’t eat because I had oral surgery this week

And I know you’re thinking, what the fuck JT, do you LIVE at the dentist or what?

And I understand that question – ’cause of THIS

Then THIS

Which fucking led to THIS

Anyhoo – I’ve spent the week living on pureed everything, so no picnic food for myself

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We starting hearing some music in the distance

So we headed over to check it out

It was the MILLENIUM / GRANT PARK ORCHESTRA rehearsing

The girls thought it sounded like the soundtrack to a Disney movie

Which is really their only exposure to classical music up until now

But I believe their exposure to Elvis (blame Diamond), Cyndi Lauper, The Grateful Dead, Bonnie Raitt & INXS is good enough to make them well-rounded music lovers

I’m hoping the early years spent listening to Miley Cyrus fades from their memories

Miss 4 finally got her way (because her big sister is a softy)

And got in the stroller

And we walked over to BUCKINGHAM FOUNTAIN

Which I’m told is better to see at night time

When they have a light show

The girls were a little disappointed they weren’t allowed to play ‘in it’

Like they did in the Crown Fountain

Miss 4 showed her displeasure by getting her head caught in the railing

And once Miss 6 & I stopped laughing, we joined forces to pull her out

Of course, that’s the ONE thing I DON’T have pics of

Being a busy rescue-mother and all

Anyhoo

It was a pretty great day with my girls

They are so much fun to just hang out with

I must have worn them out ’cause they slept all the way home in the train

And the bonus?

Including icecream, the whole day cost under $20!

Of course that doesn’t include the $50 parking fine I got at the train station

Fuck

I got an email with the subject: MEN CAN FIX ANYTHING

With a shitload of pictures attached

But as I was scrolling through the photos

I was like, dude, there is nothing in ANY of these pics that I couldn’t have thought of myself

And I have a vagina!

So here they are, in no particular order

I give you things that any (dumb arse) one, male OR female

Could totally have fixed:

You call this ugly

I call it creative landscaping

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This?

What the fuck could be so valuable in this hoopty  crap heap, that you had to PADLOCK it?

Your kids maybe?

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Diamond fixed the air in my car last week

After I told him that this was my ‘fix it’ plan

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There’s no other word for this pic but stupid

Stupid, stupid, STUPID

How else could you defend, that amongst all those bottles and cables

There is not ONE bottle of sunscreen

It’s like they’re ASKING to die from skin cancer

Arseholes

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We so needed this yesterday afternoon when Diamond was grilling for the masses

Next week, I’m going to crank out this utensil and just let the shock & awe of our guests wash over me

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Yo, who’s the perve sneaking into my bathroom and taking pics?

They’re obviously jealous as all get out of, not only my inventive methods of water supply

But also my uncanny knack for interior design

Eat my mould Martha Stewart

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What’s to bitch about here?

At least the dude is FIXING his truck

And probably about to be crushed to death in the process

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Who says Lego’s just for kids?

I do, you pair of fruitloops

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I’m not convinced that whatever this is, is even fixed

It’s a bomb, right?

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This is just awesome

What the point of wearing a helmet, when you’re going to die anyway?

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Another brilliant use for an empty Sprite bottle

Besides a bong

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This is fixed?

I’d love to see the ‘before’ pic

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Who hasn’t done this with a CD at some point?

It better not be a Jenny Talia CD though

Or I might just have to cut a bitch

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I’m not sure a slab of concrete would have been my first choice to fix the gear stick on a car

A resin coated Scorpion is ALWAYS plan A

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This is fixed?

And these parts, that thar letter box is just plain fancy

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Just awesome

Although the note could have been written more effectively, like

Please do not move stool

You dumb fuck

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Another fabbo idea right here

Go to the shop – buy meat – steal trolley – use stolen trolley to cook meat

Genius

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And my favourite

I would jump on board if I saw this little ‘go get ‘em’ mobile limping past

The dude looks like he could use a friend

*thanks Brett