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With two very special friends in tow

Gifts for Macaroni & Magoo from Poppy

I think we should call them Kylie & Jason

So far they’ve been pretty trouble-free traveling companions

One flight to go

This last trip back to Oz was  a brilliant way to finish off an amazing year

Melbourne is one of the best places in the world to be at Christmas time

So much going on – and the shopping…

Oh, I get teary just thinking about it

Mum and I werrrked that shit, I can tell ya

The city is decked out with all the holiday trimmings and you can’t help but feel all Christmassy inside. A perfect place for a xmas-a-holic like me

And this little dude

Loved him

He belted out some Maroon Five and killed it

The bounty of bucks in his guitar case, showed that I wasn’t his only fan

Then there were the shows in Melbourne

At the beautiful Crown Casino

It’s a pretty flash venue with some shit hot accommodation going on

And they let US stay there

Bonus

We had two packed nights

With the always in top form, Melbourne crowds

Plus, peeps that had flown in from all over Australia to catch our last 2 shows for the year

We got to catch up with great fans

And hang out after the shows

Got spoilt rotten with gifts

Yes, this glass does say ‘fucking legend’

I’m pretty sure it’s referring to my ‘don’t even TRY to out drink me ‘cause I am gifted at this shit’ wine drinking skills

But the best part for me

Was finishing the trip with a 24 hour stopover in Perth

Getting to see my family

Seeing my nephews rip into their Christmas pressies

And the main reason for the whirlwind visit

To visit my Nanna and Pop

I can’t even tell you how good it was to see them

My Christmas present to myself

Best. Present. Ever.

After not bothering to go to bed after the Sunday night gig in Cairns

‘Cause really, if it’s 2am – and I’m leaving for the airport at 4am – any kind of nap I took would be more like a coma

Meaning I would sleep through the alarm clock, the taxi driver banging at my door – and most probably my flight

In my delirious state, I made it to the airport, checked in

And kept walking around in circles knowing that if I sat, I would be out cold

Which I was – as soon as my bum hit the seat on the plane

I woke up several hours later, when we touched down in Sydney

My eyes were almost glued shut with caca-poo-poo (our family’s dumb-arse name for the crap that miraculously accumulates in your eye bits while your sleeping)

I also had a lovely trail of dried dribble down the right side of my face. I was trying to indiscreetly wipe it off when the old dude next to me informed me that, “…well young lady, aren’t YOU quite the sleep talker”

The fuck? And no, I didn’t ask him what I was talking about. There’s some things you just don’t need to know

Had enough time at Sydney airport to grab some mags, snacks & an iPhone charger. My 3rd one for the trip. What? Like you’ve never lost 2 iPhone chargers in 3 weeks

Boarded the Sydney flight, next to smelly lady

I’m not even joking when I tell you that a busted arsehole would have smelt better

Putrid to the point of gagging. So fucking gross

But in a sign that maybe one of the Qantas crew might be my friend on Facebook – a boy so fab I would have given him a tonguey if he wasn’t as gay as my cousin’s husband who totally wears dresses and goes cruising but thinks we all don’t know about it

He came up to stale vagina lady and asked if she’d like a row to herself. I’m like, of course she does! Go…go….FUCKING GO! I tried to be as encouraging as possible, without actually pushing her out of her seat. As that would have required ‘touching’ her. Nothankyouverymuch

And go she did. Not only did that leave an empty seat next to me (that I had to use half a bottle of hand sanitizer and the last of my Narciso Rodriguez perfume on, to make it non vomitty) Stale vagina lady was now at the other end of the plane (where coincidentally a baby started, at that moment, crying it’s box off. And didn’t stop for hours. I think the little bugger was eventually overcome but the fumes and passed out)

Then we sat on that plane for nearly TWO HOURS. Which is complete bullshit. And not just because in that time, my laptop, iPad & iPhone went flat (because I didn’t have time to use my new charger yet, duh) AND i ran out of snacks. OK, so that’s PROBABLY why is was bullshit

We eventually took off – and I was out light a light almost immediately. Only to be woken up for dinner. Fuck. It was hard to be mad at gay Qantas boy though. ‘Cause in my effort to be super-efficient-world- traveler – I had preordered a special meal, knowing that they brought those out earlier than the other meals. It was part of my master plan to eat, use the toilet before any other passengers filled it with their after-meal stink bombs, and be sleeping like a bay-bay before the other suckers even got their meals

My plan had a slight flaw, as most of my plans do. Instead of ticking ‘vegetarian’ meal (which are pretty much the same as real people food, minus the steak, but INCLUDING the desert) I had ticked diabetic. This meant that gay Qantas boy was WORRIED about me, and made it his mission that I, IN NO FUCKING WAY, sleep through a meal – lest I seizure on his shift

It meant not much sleep – and chocolate all over my bum, cause I was trying to hide kitkat wrappers from him. I didn’t want him to think my ‘diabetes’ was self inflicted, you know?

Anyhoo – arrived in LA – 3 hours late. Missed my connection to Chicago. Lined up forever at immigration. Waited forever for my bags. Got in the wrong line to recheck my bags. And was pretty much a big ball of EVERY ONE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, by the time I got on my next flight

By the time I arrived at my house,  some 35+ hors after leaving Cairns, I was out of it. Dizzy, tired, and barely upright

Then I saw my babies, my Diamond, and my dog

There were flowers waiting for me. Perfume (’cause Diamond had obviously read my post about stale vagina lady and was worried there might have been some shit-smell-transference) And these…

(which I probably ordered for myself online last week, but whatevs….they were STILL waiting for me)

There were cuddles, bedtime stories (that Magoo read TO ME! She could only read a few words when I left *sob*)

So, no matter what the journey’s like

When your destination is home….it’s ALWAYS worth it.

(Except maybe for the jet lag part, which has you up at 1:15am writing stupid-long-blogs, ’cause it’s the quietest thing you can do at stupid o’clock)

It’s my first attempt at a love song

And I think it shows a psycho softer side of me

Next release will be the LIVE DVD

Then new album!

CLICK HERE TO BUY ‘WAIT’ ON ITUNES!

CLICK HERE TO BUY ‘WAIT’ ON ITUNES!

CLICK HERE TO BUY ‘WAIT’ ON ITUNES!

I’m headed back to WA for a month

Getting to take the girls back is very exciting

They haven’t been to WA in 4 years

M&M are most excited to see their cousins and watch movies in Nanna & Poppy’s big-arse home theatre

I think I’m most excited about the solo shows I’ll be doing when I get there

Why?

Because I’ll have my jet lagged as a mother fucker coz he hates to fly and will need to be heavily sedated just to drive to the airport Diamond with me!

B-b-b-buh-RING it!

* COWARANUP * BULLSBROOK * NORTHAM * NARROGIN *

*PERTH * KALGOORLIE * RAVENSWOOD * COLLIE *

* JUIREN BAY * GERALDTON * LANCELIN *

Everyone has then every now and then

I’m sure for some of you, today is your turn

How do I know this?

Well never let it be said that I’m not in tune with your vibes slash aura slash cranky face

Plus, 3 of the 4 people I have spoken to on the phone this morning have been utter crab arses sounded a bit grumpified

Me?

I’m all good

If you don’t count my red-raw puffy allergy eyes that look like two piss holes in the snow

Like I went 4 rounds with Mike Tyson

That my eyelids swallowed golf balls

And I look like a stoned gold fish

But yeah, other than that, I’m looking my usual cute self

You only have to look at pics like this

To feel better about your day

Imagine being these poor bastards?

So repeat after me…

It’s not that bad - It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad -It’s not that bad - It’s not that bad

And remember, when you drive with paint in the back seat

PUT A LID ON IT, you fucktard.

*thanks Brett!

A pretty nondescript building from the outside

But inside, it has been known to take on many transformations

Haven’t been here to witness any of these events before

Sports, monster trucks?

Not really my bag

But these guys ARE totally my bag

As in, have been playing them nonstop ALL week

The kids are blocking their ears

You know on divorce papers, where it always says, “…..reason for divorce: irreconcilable differences”

After this week – mine will say, “‘…reason for divorce: Sugarland”

I am very excited

As in, I should stuff-a-spare-set-of-knickers-in-my-bra-just-in-case-excited

I don’t have a pic of me to show you just how psyched I am

Not for the lack of trying though

This is the look I was going for

But I kept choking on tennis balls

(even if it’s not quite Monday for my U.S. mates)

We have a day off today, so no Mondayitis for us out here on the road

We love Mondays

It’s Tuesdays that generally suck

Tuesday = day after Day off Monday, which = hungover as mofos

Anyhoo

I love my iPhone

But at least once a day, the little fucker autocorrects me when I’m trying to send a text

It’s frustrating

And sometimes bloody embarrassing

I’m glad I’m not the only one that autocorrect fucks with…

Whore or peanut butter?

Decisions, decisions

Well that’s a relief…

Sounds like a shit party

Karaoke & Dongs

Add some wine to that and I’m in!

Nothing worse that a puny, shallow dick desk, is their girls?

Cockslapping…

Is there an app for that?

Choking on your own penis

Go straight to the top of the class

If she really had her period she wouldn’t be mortified

She would stab him

Life insurance? Freudian slip?

I think I’d rather be grounded

HAPPY MONDAY!!

x

*Thanks Celena!

And it’s almost sold out

I’m  so excited, I had to repost the blog about this Saturday’s show!

Not because I’m too lazy to write a new post about it

Yeah right.

I moved to the US in 1999

Moved to Chicago in 2001

Since then I’ve gotten married

Had a baby or two

Got me a mortgage

A few wrinkles

Grown up a bit

Bwahahaha

But something I haven’t done in what feels like FOREVER

Is a show in Chicago

With all the touring I do throughout the year

Sometimes when I get home

I just want to ‘BE’, you know?

BE home

BE Mummy

BE sleeping

BE lazy

But I reckon I’m ready for a break from all this BE-ing

Time for a show in Chi-town me thinks

And I’ve talked Dad into coming along too!

Yeah baby!

So, if you’re in Chicago

Or want to come to Chicago for the show

TICKETS WENT ON SALE TODAY

The rest of next year is already booked solid

So this will be our only US show for 2011

The deets:

Saturday January 29th

Green Street Theatre

Chicago

Box Office: (312) 733 6000

CLICK HERE to buy tickets

I have just been informed by my neighbors & friends that they’ve already bought their tickets for the front row….

Do they not know me at ALL??

Game on!

A sleep in?

New undies?

On my kids  list for Santa this year?

“A piece of a rainbow” – Macaroni

“Big boobs like Mummy” – Magoo

Me?

I really hadn’t thought about it

I’m too concerned with how to get a fucking chunk off a rainbow

And a boob job for a five year old

The kids have already made me some homemade gifts

Which are completely awesome – love them!

But there’s not really ‘one’ thing that I really wanted this year

I’m home

That’s always the best part about Christmas for me

Well, at least that’s what I thought

Until there was a knock on the door this morning

Remember this tweet?

Well I’d tried not to stew over it

If you don’t count daily expletive-filled-phone rants

And emails that could probably get me arrested for making threats

“you all need fucking with a pineapple, no lube” <– does that even count as a threat?

I was confident that it HAD to show up somewhere

Even if it was on Ebay

Someone would have a pretty hard time proving that it was their guitar

With a big old picture of MY BOOBS on the back of it

.

So, for those non-believers

Who doubt the power of the big red man at this time of year

I’m here to testify that…

Yes Vagina

There really IS a Santa Claus