groping ghosts

Before last night’s show in Fielding

The crew were having trouble with the lights

Without them touching anything, lights were going on, off

And dimming by themselves

As it was an old theatre we were playing in

Everyone starts the whole, ‘there must be ghosts in the building’ thing

Me, I think that’s bullshit

The theatre is old, and I’m sure the house lighting system is just as old


So I go on stage for my set

All is good

We’ve never played there before

And the full house we got tonight made us feel crazy welcome

In between 2 of my songs, the lights went out

Then they came back on again

The switches for the lights going on and off, were next to the stage

And there was no one standing there at the time


The audience did a big old, “ooooooh”

I’m like, don’t tell me you all think there’s a ghost in here?

The affirmative answer I got back, says that they did

I had a little chuckle to myself

And started on the next song

When my pants came undone

And not just undone

The zipper at the front s-l-o-w-l-y came down

I’m not even joking

It felt like it was being undone BY someone

But wait, there’s more!

The my belt, that’s around the outside of my blouse

Started sliding down my waist and past my bum

Oh yes it did

I was laughing so hard I could barely keep it together

I did my pants back up

Yanked my belt up

Started singing


I fucking know, you guys!

I came offstage after my last song, just shaking my head

I said to Dad, “Did you SEE that?”

If there’s a ghost out there, he’s a total hornbag, and just tried to undress me in front of 600 people, for fuck’s sake

Dad said, “well some ghosts are like that”

“What…you’re trying to tell me you’ve had experience with ghosts before?”

“A long time ago yeah….back when I was a teenager”

“And it was a SEXUAL experience?”

He was almost blushing now, “yeah”

“No way Dad! I can’t believe that YOU, of all people, even BELIEVE in ghosts. And now you’re trying to tell me you had seksy time with one??”


Oh, no sorry…… I thought you said goat


PS – The lights played up in Dad’s set too – he dropped a plectrum, he broke a string – so he used my guitar while his was being restrung….and he DROPPED that too. The fuck Dad?

PPS – no ghosts tonight in New Plymouth, pants stayed on…all is good. Except for the big DENT in the top of my guitar….DAD!!