Here’s a preview of one of the tracks from the DVD

I get a lot of requests for this one, but I don’t do it live very often

It takes me to a bad place

Like, will never wear a bathing suit again if it means never having to wax down there again ’cause oh my God that shit hurts like a mofo and being a girl is kinda bullshit so why don’t we all go gorilla style for fuck’s sake – kinda bad place

Fuck that with a capital F

You’ll be able to order the DVD through the website SOON!

I’d never been here before, and the venue is pretty flash

Peeps at the show were drinking, loud and ready to sing

Just the way we like ‘em

This is my new friend

One of us is wearing a corset

And one of us is trying to stop the wee from running down her leg

Is full of amazing characters

(I’m still trying to get my head around the smorgasbord of priceless peeps I met in Humpty Doo)

But I wanted to introduce you to Alana

Alana lost her legs as a kid

And has just been fitted with a new prosthetic leg

She came to the show in a wheelchair

And asked after the show, if we’d sign her leg

I’m like, “…err…what leg dude?

‘Cause you know, I’m tactful like that

She just laughed, “…it’s in the car, I’ll go get it”

5 minutes later, she came back in

Without the chair, and she was wearing her new leg

She was laughing her arse off, as she took off her leg, handed it to me and said, “…here Jen, sign this”

And I was all, “..umm…what do I write on your LEG…that you have to WEAR every day??”

Especially as she said she’d be getting her brother to clear paint over the writing so that it was permanent

“Whatever you want mate”

“OK, then…

2 Alana…nice legs….what time are they open ’til?”

Then Dad wrote

“…this way up”

With an arrow pointing up to her girly bits

And we laughed, and laughed

Alana is my kind of girl

It’s good to know if I ever get back to Masterton

I have a mate there

The fact that she’s shorter than me is a bonus!

Gah!

It feels like just yesterday when Macaroni did

I remember Macaroni being so excited to finish preschool

So she could start Kindergarten

Magoo’s even more excited to finish

But only because that means she doesn’t go to school anymore

That’s my girl

She’s got a few months off now before Kindergarten starts

It’s going to take that long for her to realize that no, we aren’t joking

School is mandatory

And she’s got at least 12 more years of it

So suck it up princess

She had awesome teachers this year (the same fabbo ladies that Macaroni had)

Who are all Mums themselves

Which I think makes them even better at their jobs

And despite having to take Magoo’s fingers out of her nose seventy-hundred times a day

They still loved her

The feeling was very mutual

Magoo’s asked if we can have play dates with all of her teachers over the summer

I said sure, but only if I can come

And it’s in a bar

And she waits in the car

It was a cute ceremony

Even if the above sign made me feel ancient

And teary

For the first time EVER, we got Magoo out of the house wearing a white dress

That WASN’T covered in stains yet

She agreed to wear it on one condition

That she got to wear her red cowboy boots with it

I said sure, you can wear your boots

As long as you wear underwear

And for the first time in two weeks she DID!

I think

And forget that a lot of you guys aren’t ON either of those pages

Then you miss out

And I feel bad for ignoring you

Today is not one of those days

Quite proud of myself for not ignoring remembering you!

*thanks Brett!

I’ve never sat through an entire episode of Toddlers And Tiaras

What I have seen has shown me that there are lot of gay men out there

That are married to women

And have daughters

And they’re pushing these little girls into beauty pagaents

In custom gaudy gowns, they lovingly sewed themselves

Nice work Daddios!

And then there’s the Mums

Who make me laugh, cry, cringe and want to stab a bitch all at the same time

But this video

This one takes the cake

So instead of a traditional Fuck It Up Friday

Have a look at this video

‘Cause this ‘mother’, is doing a top notch job

At fucking her kid up royally

Parenting or child abuse?

It’s been a while, no?

And I know you’re probably going through BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY withdrawals

It’s not even a shortage of penis pics

That’s kept me from posting

Believe me, they’re everywhere

I don’t look for them now

YOU all send them TO me

Thanks?

As we’re nearing to that time of year

When we all get gussied up in our best duds

And head out to paint the down

And ring in the new year

What, you don’t do that?

OK, me neither

So really, it’s getting to that time of year

When you stay home

But try really hard to stay up until midnight to watch the clock strike 12

And you fail

Just like last year

Anyhoo

Whatever your plans this New Year’s Eve

Put a bit of extra effort into your appearance

Especially you fellas out there

May I suggest you start with your wedding tackle?

Something as *huge* as that trouser snake probably needs all the accessories he can get

A case of “less it TOTALLY NOT more” right there

And ladies

Don’t forget to add a little bling to your badgers

Try to to get in crystals caught in your camel toes though, ok?

Body Waxing – $110

Custom Tattoo – $220

Sexy outfit – $200

Collagen lips – $400

Boob job – $6,000

Forgetting to tuck your nuts in

Fucking priceless

(Thanks to the 7, yes SEVEN people that thought I’d get a kick out of this & sent it to me. You know who you are.)

Mine has always been

“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas“

Regular readers of this blog already know that, right?

So, me being me

I went and fucked it up

For those of you that haven’t heard my version

“I Want A New Set Of Tits For Christmas“

(click on the link above)

But not if you’re at work

Or around the kids

Shit, maybe just stick your headphones on

Or go listen to it in the bathroom

MERRY CHRISTMAS!