And then marrying a virgin?

I wouldn’t know

And neither would you guys, so don’t lie

Looks pretty gross hysterical to me

Here’s a preview of one of the tracks from the DVD

I get a lot of requests for this one, but I don’t do it live very often

It takes me to a bad place

Like, will never wear a bathing suit again if it means never having to wax down there again ’cause oh my God that shit hurts like a mofo and being a girl is kinda bullshit so why don’t we all go gorilla style for fuck’s sake – kinda bad place

Fuck that with a capital F

You’ll be able to order the DVD through the website SOON!

I’d never been here before, and the venue is pretty flash

Peeps at the show were drinking, loud and ready to sing

Just the way we like ‘em

This is my new friend

One of us is wearing a corset

And one of us is trying to stop the wee from running down her leg

And yes it was

Surrounded by mountains in every direction

We decided to enjoy the view from the comfort of a paddle boat

Disguised as a pink gorilla

That’s how the classy tourists roll

We kept out distance from the others

Only because the one time we ventured close to their game or water-rugby-played-on-floating-pontoons

We got splashed big time and ended up with wet bums

Boys are such arseholes so silly sometimes

Then we felt a bit sorry for Dad

He had been in the toilet for over an hour and missed out on coming out on our ride

So we paddled back to him and offered him a ride in our homosexual Magilla Gorilla

He declined, homophobe

And opted for a phallic symbol canoe instead

There a fewer things that look more wrong than Dad, in a canoe, on a lake in Japan, rowing himself around in circles

But even more entertaining?

His dismount

Which started with a bit or reverse parking

And backseat driving from Mum

I could’ve helped them

But wanted to make sure I had the camera ready to go in case either one of them landed in the drink

Which is exactly what they’d do to me were the situation reversed

All together now….We. Are. fucked in the head Family.

Poor little pet had quite the sweat going on once he got to dry land

But wait, there’s more….but not yet ’cause I need to restring my guitars. Or find someone I can pay to do it for me.

Is full of amazing characters

(I’m still trying to get my head around the smorgasbord of priceless peeps I met in Humpty Doo)

But I wanted to introduce you to Alana

Alana lost her legs as a kid

And has just been fitted with a new prosthetic leg

She came to the show in a wheelchair

And asked after the show, if we’d sign her leg

I’m like, “…err…what leg dude?

‘Cause you know, I’m tactful like that

She just laughed, “…it’s in the car, I’ll go get it”

5 minutes later, she came back in

Without the chair, and she was wearing her new leg

She was laughing her arse off, as she took off her leg, handed it to me and said, “…here Jen, sign this”

And I was all, “..umm…what do I write on your LEG…that you have to WEAR every day??”

Especially as she said she’d be getting her brother to clear paint over the writing so that it was permanent

“Whatever you want mate”

“OK, then…

2 Alana…nice legs….what time are they open ’til?”

Then Dad wrote

“…this way up”

With an arrow pointing up to her girly bits

And we laughed, and laughed

Alana is my kind of girl

It’s good to know if I ever get back to Masterton

I have a mate there

The fact that she’s shorter than me is a bonus!

With some of the best scenery we’ve seen so far this tour

And not just because I was actually awake for this car trip

My jaw wasn’t just dropping from the postcard views out my window either

The conversation inside the car was pretty mind blowing too

Yeah, she’s back with a vengeance

Mum: Wow, look at all the windmills…they are everywhere!

Dad: It’s a good thing

Mum: What are they used for anyway? Is it for electricity or something?

Dad: What, are you stupid? Everyone knows what windmills are for

I thought that’s what they were for too – but then I saw Dad’s face in the rear view mirror and realised he was totally fucking with her

It’s one of our favourite things to do on tour

Mum: I thought it was like an environmental thing, you know to save power and stuff

Dad: Jesus, everyone knows what windmills are for

They’re to create a sea breeze Betty, a SEA BREEZE

 

Mum: Oh, well now I know then too don’t I?

Fark!

I have definitely inherited Mum’s brains

‘Cause Dad still has his

And shit I laughed

‘Cause really, what’s funnier than seeing someone terrified?

And being chased

Then possibly mauled to death

Then I felt bad by laughing at these people’s very fucking obvious misfortune

And then I thought, hang on

I’m pretty sure every one of these fucktards brought it on themselves

I can only imagine what these animals must thing of us

“….stupid fucking humans”

Some of us are you know

Of course I’m talking about everyone else when I say that

Not US

.

I GOT SUNSHI-I-I-NE

ON A CLOUDY DAY

WHEN IT’S COLD OUTSI-I-I-DE

I GOT THE MONTH OF MAY

I

GUESS

YOU

SAY

WHAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY?

MY GIRLS

(your turn…MY GIRLS! MY GIRLS!)

TALKING ‘BOUT MY GIRLS

MY GIRLS!