The gym I’ve been going to, well I probably should say have GONE to…as in, today’s only the second time I’ve been since I got home
What?
I think all that matters is that GYM and I WENT were used in the same sentence. Agreed?
Anyhoo – there are about 5 gyms pretty close to my house
I choose to go to the one 10 minutes further away than the rest
It’s full of old people, and frankly, that suits me
They’re friendly, they leave me alone, and it’s not a fashion parade
I wouldn’t be comfortable in a gym full of hot skinny chicks in designer workout gear
Unless of course I was hot and skinny
Then you would find me there daily. Getting physical with my fluro leg warmers and Olivia Newton John g-string leotard.
But for now, I am a sporadic (at best) visitor to the wrinkly people hangout
Wearing my faded workout pants that I’ve had for years, matched with whatever old tshirt I grab
I love that whatever machine I go to use, I get to at least double the weights on it. Who cares if that’s because an 85 year old with brittle bones was using it before me.
I will put that shit in the WIN column any day

There’s an old guy there, I’ll call him Harry
He’s so hunched over, he is only inches away from being able to lick his own wedding tackle. Sounds good, but I feel bad for him. Everywhere he walks, all he sees is the floor, or his own belly button
Today he asked me what the time was. He said, “I can’t see the clock up there, and my eyesight is terrible”
“No worries”, I said. “It’s 8:15″
“Thank you.” And off he went
Over the next 20 minutes, I watched him walk into a treadmill, trip on a power cord, and head-but a Christmas tree
I was thinking about going and buying him a helmet and bringing back for him tomorrow

Then I saw him ask someone else for the time, explaining, as he did to me, that the clock is too high for him to see and his eyesight is not very good

As I was getting ready to leave, he shuffled up to me
I was just about to tell him what the time was again
When he said, “you know, you have a big hole in your pants….right there”, and he pointed right to my lady business
I looked down and saw the teeniest, tiny hole in the seam of my pants
I’m like, “Wait, so THAT, you can see??”

“Well played, you dirty old bastard”