The last few days of school holidays saw us squeezing in all the stuff I’m promised the girls we’d do

That I didn’t really want to do

And had been putting off

Leaving me 4 days to do it all

Fucking idiot

We started with rock-climbing Thursday and then moved onto a play date at MacDonalds

I know, all the parents right now just involuntarily shuddered

MacDonald’s playground? During the school holidays? On a fucking FRIDAY?!?

Fucking idiot

If you ever want to see the worst of human nature – from hygiene to parenting

That place is where you’ll find it, in one closed in, germ loaded, trans fat filled building

Then we moved on to iceskating on Saturday

No children were harmed in the fun making process, but there’s a Mummy with sore legs and ears. Yep, I said EARS. The fuck?

Sunday was rollerskating

At a rink that doesn’t give a fuck that it’s 2012. It was built in the sixties and convinced that it’s 70′s decor is the shit and ahead of the curve

Dudes, I actually busted out laughing when we walked in

And of course, fell in love with the place

Except for some arsehole there who, I shit you not, threw a roller-skate at his (maybe 6 year old) daughter, because she said her feet hurt and she didn’t want to skate anymore

I looked straight at him, put my phone to my ear and mouthed the words *DCFS, MOTHERFUCKER

I didn’t see him after that. he was probably outside, cutting the brake lines on my car

The highlight of the afternoon was seeing just how easy it was to embarrass our kids

Diamond and I had a couple’s skate to Skater Boy  (think, ‘You’re the One That I Want’ done to Avril Lavigne. Oh yes we did)

Magoo went a special shade of purple, and Macaroni hid in the toilet ’til the song was over

Today, they couldn’t get out of the house fast enough to go back to school

And now I have no one to play with

I see you in the kitchen putting your hand up, Diamond.

* DCFS = Department of Children and Family Services

Never too young I say

“..that’s it pumpkin…work those legs

Mama’s got you sugar

And I put a little extra diaper cream on too

Those dollar bills can leave a nasty paper cut”

Talk about a recession proof retirement fund!

Leading up to Saturday night’s show in Chicago

We had a few hiccups

Like, Saturday being the first time Dad had been out of bed since he’d arrived Wednesday

Bronchitis had been fucking with him big time

Minus the lube

And then we had a 2 hour soundcheck before the show

Our sound checks normally take around 20 minutes

Saturday’s had me still standing on stage, sans makeup, in my tracksuit at 7:55pm

The show was supposed to start at 8pm

Battling to get the sound, backing tracks, guitars to work

Long story that I won’t go into

You know, the whole, if you don’t have anything nice to say about the fucktards you’re dealing with, then don’t say anything at all

Anyhoo…

After a record 7 minutes to get ready

I was so rushed I forgot a couple of things

Like tuning my guitar

And underwear

You know, nothing important

It was show time

It’s always interesting to play to a room full of people that have never seen you before

Especially in a different country

Pretty much the whole crowd were ‘virgins’ to our show

There were so many people I knew at the gig

Friends, neighbours, Macaroni & Magoo’s school teachers

I was a bit excited

Then there were the fans that had driven, flown & bused in from all over

Michigan, California, Ohio, New York, Idaho, Canada

It was an intimate theatre setting

And it was awesome

Dad proved that he can still put on a shit hot show

Even when he’s feeling like death warmed up

And I proved that undies are optional

*thanks to all the peeps whose pics I ‘borrowed’ from Facebook. You can add ‘taking photos’ to the list of shit I forgot!

One week down

Three more to go

And if they’re all like this week

This tour is not only going to fly by

It’s going to be awesome

The drive’s are better than normal

Thanks to the spectacular scenery in this part of the world

The shows are so much fun

Thanks to the shit hot crowds

I haven’t been to this part of NSW since I released THE BLONDE LEADING THE BLONDE album

So it’s cool playing those songs to people for the first time

I’ve gotta say, one of the biggest responses (big meaning LOUD)

Has come when I’ve included the parody from FUCK IT UP FRIDAY

Remember the IMMIGRATION SONG?

Yeah, that one’s going over H-U-G-E

Obviously my subtle opinions are shared by some of you

Maybe I should go into politics

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAFUCKINGHA….