You know what that means?

Yep, I should totally have my own cooking show

Biffo: Australian slang for ‘fight’ – eg; “she got into a bit of a biff, it was a fair dinkum biffo!”

So we’re in Dunedin today

Walking through town, I was salivating amazed at the amount of shoe shops

I am a big shoe fan

My 3 closets full of shoes, will attest to that

But on the road, shopping just means more shit to try and cram into your suitcase

That you have to carry every day

But I was inundated with UGG boots today

And I totally NEEDED a new pair of UGGS

No really, I DO!

My old ones are nearly a decade old, and full of holes

So, with that in mind I decided to shop for a new pair of UGGS

They’re like an Australian icon now

But you know what I found out today?

UGG Boots aren’t even MADE in Australia anymore!

The fuck?

Yep, as with everything else, they’re made in China these days

Gutted

But there’s good news!

I found CANTERBURY BOOTS

Dare I say it….MORE comfy than UGGS

Way cheaper than UGGS

And the best bit, they’re 100% made in New Zealand

SOLD!

Love them….and wore them all afternoon

Mum gave me the, “Have you got enough room in your suitcase for another pair of boots?”

Duh Mum….hello?

There is ALWAYS room for more boots Mum, always

Anyhoo

We get to tonight’s gig

And Mum radios me backstage

“Did you bring your new boots?”

I was waiting for her to give me shit

“Yes I did. I just took them off to put on my follow me fuck me boots work boots”

“Can you get someone to bring me out your wool boots? My feet are freezing out here!”

Huzzah – I WIN!

So I sent my warm & woolly boots out to Mum

And it was lucky I did

There was bloke during my show who was, how should I put it….an absolute fuckwit a bit vocal

“…Jenny I LOVE YOU! Jenny I lost my family because of you!!”

Wuh?

“…Jenny my wife left me because of you!”

And this is where he started to sound like Forest Gump

“…JEEEEEENNNNNNYYYYYY!!!”

He, after I tore him a new arsehole eventually quietened down a bit

Only to ark back up when Dad came out

He got warned

He got warned again

Then we sent Betty in

Who tried talking to him

He basically told her to go fuck herself

But not that nicely

She told him he had to leave

He wouldn’t

He told her to go fuck herself again

Stupid, stupid man

It was a blur from then on

Mum grabbed him by the collar

Next thing I know he was out on the street, sitting on the curb

While the crowd in the theatre were on their feet, giving Mum a standing ovation

I’m still laughing

And probably still will be tomorrow morning

When I go back to the shops

To buy Mum her OWN pair of BIFFO BOOTS

We were walking back to our car

When a little blue car zoomed right by us, into a parking space

Changed it’s mind

Went in reverse

And floored it

Doing a massive backwards u-turn

Covering half the parking lot

Almost running me over

No shit

Dad actually pushed me out of the way

It was coming so fast, I barely had time to react

I watched the car pull into another spot

And a lady got out

She was about my age

So you know, old enough to know better

But obviously still too young to give a fuck

I walked over to her and said, “I don’t know if you’re aware or not

But when you were zipping around back there

You nearly hit me

And would of, if my Dad didn’t have the reflexes of a ninja you dumb botch”

She’s like, “Yeah, I saw you”

Me, “Wuh?

You nearly hit me”

She said, “But I didn’t, so I don’t see what the problem is”

Me again, “Wuh?”

I was a bit taken back by her ‘i could giveth not a fucketh’ attitude

She walked off, “…See ya”

What the fuck?

All I could come out with was, “Oh…OK then yeah….bye…you have yourself a great day then..keep on keeping on ‘n all that

And driving like a CUNT”

I’m such a wordsmith

Not much more than 24 hours later, I did what any insane biatch would do

I got up at 2:30am and headed back to the airport

And got on another plane

And flew to New York

See that dot in the middle?

That’s the Statue Of Liberty right tharr!

I had a meeting-slash-appointment that was kinda important

That I couldn’t get out of

Believe me, I tried

Anyhoo

I chose to make lemon-vodka-shots out of lemons

And planned to make the most of having a day in New York

The work stuff was over way faster than expected

And not because I fell asleep *ahem*

So that left me with a few hours before my flight home

I walked around seeing a few of the sights

I believe they call it sight-seeing?

I was getting the hang of it

Even when my legs got the occasional jetlag sway, and my eyes wouldn’t stay open

I made it to Rockefeller Plaza

Trump Tower

Saw a tourist bus that I couldn’t find the place to buy tickets for

Then I found this bad boy

New York GOLD

And the line to get some of this tucker made my decision to eat here easy

Verdict – awesome

Even with the sauce stained scarf and onion breath it left me

Took lots of pics

Wished I had a ‘big girl’ camera, so I could’ve looked all professional ‘n’ shit

And maybe ended up with better pics

Especially of Central Park (above)

And Times Square

But I came to the conclusion that it would have been a bastard to carry

And I would have either dropped it or lost it

Even tried to be like the cool kids and put me IN a pic

By taking it myself

You know you’re a shitty photographer when you can’t even get YOURSELF to look at the camera

Cool background though

Of fuck-knows what

So my New York minute

Actually it was 480 minutes

Was quick

Productive, hopefully

And wore me the fuck out

The upside?

A second lot of WECOME HOME hugs in as many days, from my babies

I’ve never sat through an entire episode of Toddlers And Tiaras

What I have seen has shown me that there are lot of gay men out there

That are married to women

And have daughters

And they’re pushing these little girls into beauty pagaents

In custom gaudy gowns, they lovingly sewed themselves

Nice work Daddios!

And then there’s the Mums

Who make me laugh, cry, cringe and want to stab a bitch all at the same time

But this video

This one takes the cake

So instead of a traditional Fuck It Up Friday

Have a look at this video

‘Cause this ‘mother’, is doing a top notch job

At fucking her kid up royally

Parenting or child abuse?

The canceling was not really a big deal

It’s still far enough away to put another show in it’s place

The reason for canceling the show has me a bit miffed

OK, so maybe that’s an understatement

It pissed-me-the-fuck-off

We were booked to play at a Services Club in Orange

Booked, confirmed, all set to go

Then the club’s committee ([my]definition of committee: a bunch of out of touch fuddy-duddies, that have no business making decisions for the general public)

Actually, not the ENTIRE committee

There was just one “objection from one of the board members”

Apparently, he deemed the show too rude for their venue

This one man

Is the town’s censor and moral compass?

So tell me this, Mr Councilman

Dad has been playing at your venue for more years than I can count

SELLING OUT your venue more times than I can count

Were there complaints?

Were people offended in the past?

I understand that the nature of Dad’s & my act is not for everybody

But when you continually sell out a venue

Doesn’t history dictate that there ARE people who want to see it?

Why THIS TIME is the show not suitable?

Because now YOU’RE on the committee?

To quote from Dad’s upcoming book:

Nobody tells Australian stories better than Kevin Bloody Wilson. Record sales of almost four million worldwide bear testimony to his International success. In January 2010 he received a nomination for Australian Of The Year, he’s listed in Who’s Who and his entire body of work has been chosen for inclusion in The National Film And Sound Archive in Canberra

This is an act that has sold out the Sydney Opera House and the London Palladium

But it’s not up to your standards?

Because your venue lists itself as:

No better venue in Country NSW for all your entertainment needs then right here at Club

We provide the best in live music, variety shows, comedy and children’s entertainment

You mention comedy?

But obviously not one of Australia’s highest selling comedians

So if this kind of comedy is not your cup of tea, then NO ONE gets to see it?

Wow, that sounds really fair mate

Totally keeping the best interest of the 30,000+ people that live in your city in mind, aren’t you buddy?

And though I may rant at your lack of vision for what’s best for the public in Orange

It’s you who will miss out

But the good people in Orange will not

See, we’ve booked ourselves at the ORANGE CIVIC THEATRE

And that’s we’re we’ll be playing November 7th

It’s going to be a ball-tearer of a show, sir

That, I can promise you

I told Dad I wouldn’t call you a cranky old fucktard, so I didn’t

Doesn’t mean I don’t think it

Yeah, I’m talking to you!

The two wank-stains in the room next door

I say next door, but you might as well have been in my room

You pair of fuck-knuckles

I could hear every word

Of your drunken gibberish bullshit last night

Or should I say this morning?

I have no problem with you being drunk

It was the volume of your drunkeness that bothered me

And it wasn’t even entertaining

Me?

When I’m wasted, at least I keep it funny as fuck

Just ask…well…umm…just take my word for it, OK?

You two dudes were all knocking over the furniture and giggling like teenage girls

And just when I’d convinced myself you were totally gay and I was preparing myself to what I was about to hear

You know, all the grunting and sloshing around noises that anal sex makes

Well, I had my noise canceling headphones charged up

Traveling Wilburies ready to go on my iPhone

And then you went and called one of your girlfriends

(OK, so your not gay – but you’re still a pair of fuckwits)

You put her on speakerphone

And proceeded to have phone sex

I can’t work out which bit was my favourite

Was it the part when you told her to wait a minute while you went in the bathroom to spew your guts up?

Almost

That was just beaten by the crash you made when you farted and fell off the bed

Thanks for keeping it classy room 18

I think I actually got the most joy from the fact that whoever’s girlfriend she was

She had no idea that your mate was in the room listening

She was completely oblivious the the threesome she was having

This all started o get a little old

AT THREE THIRTY AM

And that is why, at 6am this morning

I put my Billy Blanks Bootcamp Workout DVD in my laptop

Cranked the volume to the max, pressed play

And went for a walk for an hour

Knowing that you’d be woken by the sounds of some dude yelling out, ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

It’s an awesome way to wake up isn’t it boys?

When I got back from my walk

The DVD was finished

I could hear you stumbling around in your hungover state next door (probably looking for YOUR noise canceling headphones)

Sorry, did I wake you?

Just be sure I did…

I put on Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album (yes, I do have this in my iTunes library – don’t judge me needle-dicks!)

Cranked the volume up again

And went for another walk

You’re welcome mother fuckers

After leaving a gay nightclub

With a male companion as his passenger

The cops noticed him swerving all over the road ’cause he was getting his dick sucked

And charged him with a DUI

Hypocritical FUCKTARD much?

Ummm, that’d be a big fucking NO

But if you decide to come back

Can you pick up this utter fuckwitted dipshit chick

And take her back to Butt Fuck Idaho with you

.

Much appreciated dude

I do that very rarely sometimes

And I found a story about some parents

Who tattooed their kids

The kids are 17, 15, 12, 11, 11, 10 and 7

They didn’t tattoo the 7 year old

‘Cause they thought he was too young

What – the 10 year old was old enough?

I mean, fuck me dead!

Seriously

Some people should just be castrated at birth

Oh, and you won’t be surprised at all to know that I read this article in a paper from Chattanooga!

For those of you not in the US – Chattanooga is in the south

*cue music from Deliverance*

No offence intended to my Southern buddies, but why do all the 3 headed-I slept with my sister-2 year old caught driving stolen pickup-tattooing your own kids stories come from there?

Kinda like the Tasmanian stories from Australia

Which, for all the Tasmanian readers, are totally untrue by the way

*ahem*  yes, I am touring there later this year

Anyhooo

Back to the dumb-arse mofos in Chattanooga

You people make my brain cell challenged,12 month old DOG look like a fucking genius!

And while it was good to know the kids were taken away (YAY!)

They gave them BACK to the parents (fuckery isn’t it?)

Score one for the fucktards in the south!

And the quote of the year goes to the brain damaged sperm donor Dad

If I’m such a bad parent, then how come they brought the kids back right after I got out jail?

Why didn’t they just drop the kids off to him while he was IN JAIL?

‘Cause you KNOW that’s where those kids are going to end up anyway

Tattooing your minor children

Some people defy logic don’t they?

.

Except for that lady that I saw on Oprah who had quadriplets

She tattooed a dot on each of their toes so she could tell the difference

At least that makes sense

I’d totally do that

On Fluffy & Diamond

I’m always getting them mixed up

.

‘Cause they both smell like shit like to jump me when I’m not looking