Over 40,000 people have watched this

You know what that means?

 

Yep, I should totally have my own cooking show

Biffo: Australian slang for ‘fight’ – eg; “she got into a bit of a biff, it was a fair dinkum biffo!”

So we’re in Dunedin today

Walking through town, I was salivating amazed at the amount of shoe shops

I am a big shoe fan

My 3 closets full of shoes, will attest to that

But on the road, shopping just means more shit to try and cram into your suitcase

That you have to carry every day

But I was inundated with UGG boots today

And I totally NEEDED a new pair of UGGS

No really, I DO!

My old ones are nearly a decade old, and full of holes

So, with that in mind I decided to shop for a new pair of UGGS

They’re like an Australian icon now

But you know what I found out today?

UGG Boots aren’t even MADE in Australia anymore!

The fuck?

Yep, as with everything else, they’re made in China these days

Gutted

But there’s good news!

I found CANTERBURY BOOTS

Dare I say it….MORE comfy than UGGS

Way cheaper than UGGS

And the best bit, they’re 100% made in New Zealand

SOLD!

Love them….and wore them all afternoon

Mum gave me the, “Have you got enough room in your suitcase for another pair of boots?”

Duh Mum….hello?

There is ALWAYS room for more boots Mum, always

Anyhoo

We get to tonight’s gig

And Mum radios me backstage

“Did you bring your new boots?”

I was waiting for her to give me shit

“Yes I did. I just took them off to put on my follow me fuck me boots work boots”

“Can you get someone to bring me out your wool boots? My feet are freezing out here!”

Huzzah – I WIN!

So I sent my warm & woolly boots out to Mum

And it was lucky I did

There was bloke during my show who was, how should I put it….an absolute fuckwit a bit vocal

“…Jenny I LOVE YOU! Jenny I lost my family because of you!!”

Wuh?

“…Jenny my wife left me because of you!”

And this is where he started to sound like Forest Gump

“…JEEEEEENNNNNNYYYYYY!!!”

He, after I tore him a new arsehole eventually quietened down a bit

Only to ark back up when Dad came out

He got warned

He got warned again

Then we sent Betty in

Who tried talking to him

He basically told her to go fuck herself

But not that nicely

She told him he had to leave

He wouldn’t

He told her to go fuck herself again

Stupid, stupid man

It was a blur from then on

Mum grabbed him by the collar

Next thing I know he was out on the street, sitting on the curb

While the crowd in the theatre were on their feet, giving Mum a standing ovation

I’m still laughing

And probably still will be tomorrow morning

When I go back to the shops

To buy Mum her OWN pair of BIFFO BOOTS

After stopping for coffee at a petrol station this morning

We were walking back to our car

When a little blue car zoomed right by us, into a parking space

Changed it’s mind

Went in reverse

And floored it

Doing a massive backwards u-turn

Covering half the parking lot

Almost running me over

No shit

Dad actually pushed me out of the way

It was coming so fast, I barely had time to react

 

I watched the car pull into another spot

And a lady got out

She was about my age

So you know, old enough to know better

But obviously still too young to give a fuck

 

I walked over to her and said, “I don’t know if you’re aware or not

But when you were zipping around back there

You nearly hit me

And would of, if my Dad didn’t have the reflexes of a ninja you dumb botch”

She’s like, “Yeah, I saw you”

Me, “Wuh?

You nearly hit me”

She said, “But I didn’t, so I don’t see what the problem is”

Me again, “Wuh?”

I was a bit taken back by her ‘i could giveth not a fucketh’ attitude

She walked off, “…See ya”

What the fuck?

All I could come out with was, “Oh…OK then yeah….bye…you have yourself a great day then..keep on keeping on ‘n all that

And driving like a CUNT”

I’m such a wordsmith

After arriving back in Chicago from Melbourne on Monday night

Not much more than 24 hours later, I did what any insane biatch would do

I got up at 2:30am and headed back to the airport

And got on another plane

And flew to New York

See that dot in the middle?

That’s the Statue Of Liberty right tharr!

I had a meeting-slash-appointment that was kinda important

That I couldn’t get out of

Believe me, I tried

Anyhoo

I chose to make lemon-vodka-shots out of lemons

And planned to make the most of having a day in New York

The work stuff was over way faster than expected

And not because I fell asleep *ahem*

So that left me with a few hours before my flight home

I walked around seeing a few of the sights

I believe they call it sight-seeing?

I was getting the hang of it

Even when my legs got the occasional jetlag sway, and my eyes wouldn’t stay open

I made it to Rockefeller Plaza

Trump Tower

Saw a tourist bus that I couldn’t find the place to buy tickets for

Then I found this bad boy

New York GOLD

And the line to get some of this tucker made my decision to eat here easy

Verdict – awesome

Even with the sauce stained scarf and onion breath it left me

Took lots of pics

Wished I had a ‘big girl’ camera, so I could’ve looked all professional ‘n’ shit

And maybe ended up with better pics

Especially of Central Park (above)

And Times Square

But I came to the conclusion that it would have been a bastard to carry

And I would have either dropped it or lost it

Even tried to be like the cool kids and put me IN a pic

By taking it myself

You know you’re a shitty photographer when you can’t even get YOURSELF to look at the camera

Cool background though

Of fuck-knows what

So my New York minute

Actually it was 480 minutes

Was quick

Productive, hopefully

And wore me the fuck out

The upside?

A second lot of WECOME HOME hugs in as many days, from my babies