dear jenny


Dear Jenny
I think you’re great but I think you shouldn’t swear so much
I think that your hair is really cool but I think would look better really short
I would really like to see you on TV and I think that you should go on Dancing with the Stars or something
I think you would lose so much weight if you did that.
Jodie (from Tasmania)

 

Hi Jodie
Thanks for writing
I ‘think’ I’m glad you (kinda?) like my hair
Sorry about the swearing, it’s not on purpose…I don’t ‘think’?  It’s just fucking hard not to, you know?
Dancing with the Stars? I ‘think’ you might need to lay off the crack pipe
Give my love to your brother/cousin/husband Tasmania!
JT
x

 

biffo boots

Biffo: Australian slang for ‘fight’ – eg; “she got into a bit of a biff, it was a fair dinkum biffo!”

So we’re in Dunedin today

Walking through town, I was salivating amazed at the amount of shoe shops

I am a big shoe fan

My 3 closets full of shoes, will attest to that

But on the road, shopping just means more shit to try and cram into your suitcase

That you have to carry every day

But I was inundated with UGG boots today

And I totally NEEDED a new pair of UGGS

No really, I DO!

My old ones are nearly a decade old, and full of holes

So, with that in mind I decided to shop for a new pair of UGGS

They’re like an Australian icon now

But you know what I found out today?

UGG Boots aren’t even MADE in Australia anymore!

The fuck?

Yep, as with everything else, they’re made in China these days

Gutted

But there’s good news!

I found CANTERBURY BOOTS

Dare I say it….MORE comfy than UGGS

Way cheaper than UGGS

And the best bit, they’re 100% made in New Zealand

SOLD!

Love them….and wore them all afternoon

Mum gave me the, “Have you got enough room in your suitcase for another pair of boots?”

Duh Mum….hello?

There is ALWAYS room for more boots Mum, always

Anyhoo

We get to tonight’s gig

And Mum radios me backstage

“Did you bring your new boots?”

I was waiting for her to give me shit

“Yes I did. I just took them off to put on my follow me fuck me boots work boots”

“Can you get someone to bring me out your wool boots? My feet are freezing out here!”

Huzzah – I WIN!

So I sent my warm & woolly boots out to Mum

And it was lucky I did

There was bloke during my show who was, how should I put it….an absolute fuckwit a bit vocal

“…Jenny I LOVE YOU! Jenny I lost my family because of you!!”

Wuh?

“…Jenny my wife left me because of you!”

And this is where he started to sound like Forest Gump

“…JEEEEEENNNNNNYYYYYY!!!”

He, after I tore him a new arsehole eventually quietened down a bit

Only to ark back up when Dad came out

He got warned

He got warned again

Then we sent Betty in

Who tried talking to him

He basically told her to go fuck herself

But not that nicely

She told him he had to leave

He wouldn’t

He told her to go fuck herself again

Stupid, stupid man

It was a blur from then on

Mum grabbed him by the collar

Next thing I know he was out on the street, sitting on the curb

While the crowd in the theatre were on their feet, giving Mum a standing ovation

I’m still laughing

And probably still will be tomorrow morning

When I go back to the shops

To buy Mum her OWN pair of BIFFO BOOTS