We’d been told earlier, that this area of land

Has the HIGHEST population (per square km) of reptiles

Yes, SNAKES and lizards ‘n shit

But mainly SNAKES

SNAKES that bite

Scaley fuckers that can KILL you

SSSNAAKES!!

Where was I?

Oh yeah, so where I am, right now

And where I’m sleeping tonight

Is home to more fucking snakes than ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD

The fuck?

How come no one tells you this shit BEFORE you agree to the show

And then I see these dog-poo-picker-upper things each side of the stage

And assumed maybe they were for the dingo’s poo

‘Cause there’s bucket loads of those buggers out here too

But no, they’re there to pick up SNAKES

And put them in this

And no, I did NOT lift the lid to see if there was any in there

How could you even THINK that?

Gah, what is WRONG with you guys???

It’s like you WANT me to die.

It’s my first video blog from the last UK tour in 2009

Back when I knew how to use iMovie and thought hey fuck it, why don’t I make a full on live DVD and edit it MY FUCKING SELF with final cut pro like all the professionals use but I would need a newer computer and updated software so I’ll just go spend thousands of dollars on that shit but wait oh hey, I don’t know how to USE this fancy fucking program so I better get me some lessons from the experts in blue shirts at the Apple store who are really helpful which is good because I’ll end up spending more time with them than my fucking husband because I didn’t realise that I shouldn’t edit using USB external hard drives, and every fucktard (except me) knows you can only use firewire hard drives for big arse projects because otherwise you’ll lose months of fucking editing work when your files become corrupt and won’t fucking open anymore and you’re so spewing you could cry except you already ARE crying because you missed out on going to see the Dolly Parton concert that you had VIP tickets for AND you have to get your shit done yesterday ’cause it’s only 46 more god damn mother fucking days ’til Christmas fuck cunt prick shit mother fucker

And how’s YOUR day going?

“You are stupid”

“For fuck’s sake you piece of shit”

“Go fuck yourself”

“What the fuck, you dumbarse”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Oh my God, I’m going to kill you”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up”

“You fucking FUCK!”

These are the daily ‘conversations’ Mum & Dad have with the GPS in our car

Which is why, I think it’s now getting us lost on purpose

I’m supposed to be in the U.K. right now

But I’m not

I’m still at home in Chicago

I’ve been delaying the inevitable

Hoping that my passport & work visa will miraculously turn up on my doorstep

And I’ll race to the airport and make it in time

In reality, I’ve already missed one show

And even if I left this minute, I’ll miss the second

I received an email late yesterday afternoon from the New York office of UK visa processing

(the first correspondence from them in over a week – I have emailed them no less than 24 times and called non-stop, daily – with no reply)

Telling me it will be at least 5 more days until they process my application

This is the application that was filed online weeks ago

That I paid a lot of (additional) money to have priority processed

Couriered my passport to them – along with copies of my previous work visas, dating back 10 years

And everything else they asked for

And then some

Flew to New York to have biometrics done (fingerprinting)

All while being assured by them that if approved, I would have it in time for my trip

It would seem that’s not the case

They’re telling me they didn’t get it in time

I have the UPS delivery confirmation that proves that they did

So what, now we get in a pissing contest to see who’s right?

When really, it doesn’t fucking matter

I won’t get there in time

I have to cancel the shows

Again

I want to say sorry to all of you that had made plans to come to the shows

And to all the venues that gave me a second chance after the last fuck up of monumental proportions

Thanks for giving me that second chance

As for a third, well…I doubt it

From my end and yours

Don’t even get me started on all the work Anne has put into getting the shows booked etc

And that now, for a second time, my sound guy Dave has a week with no work, thanks to me

I don’t even want to add up how much this costs me, and others, in lost revenue, non-refundable travel costs and blah blah fucking blah

But I DO appreciate all the comments, calls and emails you guys have sent through

The funny ones have been exactly what I’ve needed

While I’m always happy to have extra time at home

Like today, being able to take Magoo on her school field trip, is nothing but a bonus

I love my job

And was so excited to be getting back to the UK & Ireland again

Even for such a short time

I’m pissed off and I’m still sulking

But I’ll get over it

It’s not the end of the world

But it does fucking suck

A lot.

I think Dad summed it up best, “……they need fucking with a pineapple”

I couldn’t agree more

Deep breath….

Here we go

I left Chicago Sunday night to fly into London for some shows

Uneventful flight made more pleasant by the old lady next to me that smelt like vanilla

Yum

Got off the plane & lined up for immigration

That’s the part where they check your paperwork, if you have any – and stamp your passport

Then send you on your way

I’ve done it more times than I can remember

Piece of piss really

Ummm…yeah….not this time

Apparently I didn’t have sufficient paperwork with me

Then the questions started

What did I do? Was I going to be earning money? What name did I perform under? Why do I travel to the UK so often?

Then I was asked to ‘take a seat’ while the man went away to do fuck knows what

He came back about 10 minutes later with printouts from my website

Pages of it

And yeah, he was holding ALL the BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY pics too

Oh, joy

Then he asked me to come with him as they ‘weren’t satisfied with my reasons for entering the country’

They took my mugshot

I tried to be all cute & pouty like Lindsay & Paris

But I’m pretty sure I ended up giving him my best ‘fuck this shit’ face

Then I was asked to sign some forms

One of them stated that, “…if I was detained for more than 8 days, I had the right to appeal”

EIGHT FUCKING DAYS?

So yeah,  I said I wouldn’t sign that one

He said I had to

I said no I didn’t

I was earning browny points left, right & fucking centre with this dude

He asked me to follow him and proceeded to tell me that, where he was taking me wasn’t really that pleasant, and a little uncomfortable – but it was where any detainees had to be held and I wouldn’t be there for long

A detainee?

Isn’t that someone that’s trying to do something illegal? Like immigrate illegally or smuggle drugs

Neither of which I was trying to do

Then he and another man took all my stuff & searched me

They took my phone, my bag, my water, my computer my TWIZZLERS, and a little piece of my dignity

I wasn’t allowed to have anything with me

This day was turning to shit at a rapid pace

So I was put in a room with 8 other people

Make that 8 men

That didn’t appear to speak english (to me anyway)

And spent most of their time on the public phone, praying to Allah, or giving me filthy looks

Oh yeah, the public phone?  I asked for change so that I could use it to make a call, and was told there wasn’t any

All the coins had been given to my fellow inmates

My roomies were fucktards

At least I didn’t have to worry about becoming anyone’s prison bitch – I was very happy to not be their type

A lady came & got me for an interview

Yeah, I thought – a woman – she’ll be nicer and we’ll get this shit sorted

Oh, how wrong I was

Immigration lady had herself a raging case of PMS – or maybe she was just born a bitch

I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt

She wanted to know was I married, how many kids, what did my husband do, why were there penis’ on my website?

It was pretty much the suckiest interview ever

Then she took me back to the room from hell – where my 8 buds were so happy so see me

Like, look up from their Korans – spit on the floor, kind of happy

So as they prayed, I sang “God Bless All the Little Children” as loud as I could

And it may come as a shock, but I couldn’t remember the the words

So I belted out an inspired (if I do say so myself) version of D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F

And I know, maybe this post is taking on a racist tone

But you know what?

I wasn’t given a prayer mate

So what if I don’t pray? I totally could have done some yoga

They were given toiletry bags, with toothpaste etc

I wasn’t

But I’m taking that as a compliment

Because I smelt like a bed of roses and didn’t need one – and they smelt like moldy goats

Soooooo

Seven hours and six more interviews later

That’s right, SEVEN FUCKING HOURS

I was deemed unwelcome and refused entry

Even as I type that I can’t quite believe it

Are you fucking kidding me?

When I work in the UK, I put money INTO the economy

Granted, it’s not a squillion dollars

But fuck – I pay taxes

And this time they tell me I require different paperwork – as it’s a ‘grey area’ and subject to interpretation

Really? I would expect that immigration issues should be pretty black & white

And not subject to the whims & moods of the person that happens to be working the day I enter the country

So it could have gone either way for me

As I’m typing this from my office in Chicago, I think you all know which way it DID end up going for me

I was escorted through London airport by 3 immigration officers

All the way onto the plane

I asked to stop to go to the toilet

They said no

I asked to stop so I could buy a bottle of water

They said no

Yesterday was officially one of the most ball-sucking days I have ever had

And I appreciate there are so many people out there that have it worse

But I’m pissed

I’m pissed that I was treated like a fucking criminal, fingerprinted and all

I’m pissed that my 8 buddies were ALL permitted to stay in the country

And I’m really pissed that the shows had to be cancelled

I’m sorry to all of you that were coming out to see me

Starting today, I am going to try to reschedule them, and also add in some extra places

I guess that’s a good thing, yeah?

I’m also going to make sure I have MORE than enough paperwork to satisfy the ‘powers that be’ next time I head to the UK

Passport, work visas, itinerary, birth certificate, baby album, grocery shopping list, love letters, school report cards

You name it, I’ll fucking have it

I’m bummed I’m not going to get to catch up with some of my buds that were coming to the shows

I’ll be back though, I promise

I just need to make sure they let me in next time

Anyone know where I can buy a Burka?

*UPDATE*

Just found out that 3 of the 4 shows were sold out, which is kinda awesome – and kinda sucky too ’cause I can’t do the shows!

You know what, you guys are fucking brilliant – your comments, emails etc have been overwhelming. Overwhelmingly cool, funny, supportive and just plain fucking great. THANK YOU!

New tour dates & venues will be posted soon – but mark these dates in your calendars: 17th  - 31st January 2011

I’m going to try again!! x

Found out when we got here that tomorrow night’s show is sold out

When we’re on tour, those are pretty much the best words you can hear

Sold. Out.

And room service

Those two words make me tingly too

Having a quiet one in my room tonight

We don’t usually party too much on night’s off anyway

I think I’m still a bit jet lagged

But the main reason to not go anywhere

Is that I’m sitting here in my underwear covered in calamine lotion, cortison cream & all sorts of other stinky potions

Sexy, no?

No

Well you can thank British Airways for that disturbing mental image

‘Cause those unhygienic bastards gave me FUCKING BED BUGS

OK, so I totally can’t prove that

All I know, is on the flight from London to Johannesburg

I started to get itchy

I had a tank top on and I kept scratching my shoulders

Then when I woke up in Johannesburg

I had bites on my arms

Today I have more

I don’t know if that constitutes as ‘bed bugs’

But I googled it

And oh, I totally shouldn’t have googled that shit

I will never learn my lesson

So my self diagnosis is bed bugs

Even though technically, I got them from a grody plane seat

Thanks-very-fucking-much-British-Airways

So now I KNOW I’m going to have nightmares

About big fucking buggy insect thingies

Crawling all over me

Multiplying

GAH!

I think my therapy bill should be BAs to pay, yeah?

And my room service bill too

‘Cause I’m probably going to sleep in the bath

And I’m ordering a bottle of wine from room service to take with me

And I tried to rename it

But nothing worked quite as well as fuck this shit

So fuck this shit it is

I don’t like to whinge

Lie

Yes I do

And I’m pretty good at it too

But losing weight sucks arse

Big time

And it’s my own fault

If I could just be more consistent with the whole, ‘sensible eating’ rah rah bullshit that all the skinny bitches from TV are always preaching

I wouldn’t keep stacking on the weight in spades

And having so much fucking work to do to get it off again

And there are no excuses

But between having babies, miscarriages & a love for anything chocolate covered

My size in clothes is starting to look like a phone number

And I’m done

And I’ve said I’m done before

But this time I mean it

Just like I meant it last time

And the time before that

But come on guys, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day (but if they made it out of french fries I could’ve demolished that fucking town in HALF that time)

And it’s not just because we’re filming for a live DVD in South Africa in 2 months

OK, yes it is

I just don’t like exercising, any kind

But I do love food, every kind

Perfect recipe for a lifetime of freaking out every time I hit the scales

But I want to be healthy too

I don’t want to be the fat Mum

I want to point & make jokes about the fat Mum

Which is very hard to do when I AM the fat Mum

So far on this tour I have worked out every day, except one

But there was one day I worked out twice, so that totally means I’ve done it every day huzzaaaah!

And I just fucking hate it

Exercising is dangerous you guys

I have a workout video

A bootcamp DVD where this huge black man yells at me through the TV and counts to 8 over and over and over

And I have to kick my legs and jump and drop to the floor and jump up again and kick

It makes me SWEATY

Like, YUK!

And it makes be break shit too

So far this tour, I’ve kicked over 2 coffee tables, ripped a set of curtains and knocked the legs off a king size bed

And the noises I’m making are not pretty

But it must sound like I’m having some kind of kinky-orgy-masturbating-festival in my room

Judging by the hi-5 & the wink the guy in the next room gave me when he saw me checking out this morning

Exercising just makes me want to stab someone

I hate dieting, so I thought it would be quicker to just stop eating altogether

So I did

And after 45 minutes I got dizzy and had to be brought back around by the contents of the mini bar

It was a close call

Like today, I’m on the treadmill

Why can’t all those fucking machines be the same?

I like it whent you can just keep pressing the UP arrow, to work out the speed you want to go

But this one didn’t have it, so I had to just pick a number

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t press 16 instead of 6 and I flew off that mother fucker like a ninja turtle having a seizure

But I got back on

And then my iPod, which was on shuffle, started playing the theme to Ghostbusters and I was all like, how the FUCK did THAT song get on there, but then my mind wondered and I started singing along, doing a little bit of a dance….who ya gonna call??

And fell off the fucking treadmill again

AAAAANNNND I don’t have a holder for my iPod, so I just stick it down the front of my sports bra but the jolt of the second fall made it fly out and hit me in the fucking nose

So now I’m limping around like an has-been boxer with a fat schnozz

But hey, my cholesterol is down

Woop-dee-fucking-doo

I just want to get to the point that I can watch myself on DVD without running from the room screaming

So if you see me with a chocolate in my mouth, please take it from me

I will probably try and hurt you

But you should still take it from me

If you see me with a glass of wine

Step the fuck back bitches – I’m not giving up everything

I even have an app for my iPhone called ‘LOSE IT’

Where I enter in all the food I eat each day and it tells me I’m still a fat ho and laughs in my face how many calories I’ve eaten

I’ve been sticking to it so far

I even went as far as NOT eating an apple yesterday because it would have meant I wouldn’t have enough calories left to have a wine after the show

Apple or wine?

Like anyone would pick a fucking apple

I was really tempted to take a BEFORE pic in my underwear and post it on here

NOT

People who do that are b-r-a-v-e, BRAVE

Me – no fucking way dude

Exhibit A

What I wanted for dinner was this

And these

Followed by this

And what I HAD for dinner is this wank lettuce crap

Again I say, fuck this shit

.

It’s probably kinda stupid even writing about it all

‘Cause I see a lot of you guys who read this

Like, all the time

And next time I do

And I look even bigger ’cause I gave up on this shit and just ordered room service no different

You’re going to feel all uncomfortable about what to say

You know what?

Just do us all a favour and tell me I look like I’ve lost weight

Even if I haven’t

It’ll be better for the friendship

Especially if you’ve gained a few yourself

That would make me happy

A good friend?

Not really

But happy?

Fuckin’ oath

I thought it was time to get back into it

Someone really fucking observant said to me the other day, gee you go to the dentist a lot

And I’m like, NO SHIT SHERLOCK

For those of you just joining our broadcast

You can get up-to-date by reading THIS

And then THIS

OK – you with me?

Good

So now you know that I’m not hanging out at my dentist’s office ’cause I want to get into his 70 year old pants

I’m there ’cause somewhere along the line

When this whole dental implant thing got started

It didn’t work

I know there’s a technical explanation full of big ol’ fancy words for what went on

But what it boils down to is this

IT. DIDN’T. FUCKING. WORK.

So guess what happens now?

I-GET-TO-(and I only said yes because of the drugs)-GO-THROUGH-THE-WHOLE-PROCESS-AGAIN!

I know, how fucking cool is that NOT going to be?

So I’m back to looking like I’m from banjo country having no tooth again

They pulled the whole implant out yesterday

Scraped the bone out

And put in new bone

And yes, it feels just as awesome as it sounds

.

Now I wait a few months

Then go back to have the new implant put in

Get a new tooth made…blah…blah…fucking BLAH

So today, my face looks like the ugly side of a bashed in clam

And Diamond is cruising for a bruising and I will look like matching bookends if he doesn’t stop laughing at my misery

.

I guess I should be grateful that I didn’t get BOOB implants like I need to carry around a pair of those fuckers

Imagine this kind of fuck up with a set of ta-tas??

No, if I ever have the desire to look like a blow up doll got fake tits

I’d totally take in pictures so that the doc knew EXCACTLY what I was after

Natural looking ones

So I could still wear bathers

And exercise

Get behind the wheel

.

Let’s just get my teeth right first though

One thing at a time

Got an email yesterday from a TV show that Dad’s doing while we’re there

They want me to bring my guitar and sing CAMEL TOE

Awesome you say?

Well, kinda

See, I’m a HUGE fan of radio interviews

For obvious reasons

You know, the whole ‘everyone looks 15 pounds heavier on TV’

Who doesn’t want THAT????

That would be me

So if you add in the 20 pounds I already wanted to lose but didn’t

And the 15 pounds that I’m going to gain just by sitting in front of a camera…

That’s 35 fucking pounds I need to lose

By MONDAY!

And today is FUCKING THURSDAY

‘Scuse me while I go to the bathroom and stick my fingers down my throat

And I laxative up my arse

Or is that supposed to be the other way around?

.

.

.

PS – above pics are from google images, not my photo library. I don’t own a white bra or a fucked up belly button like that x

1. a flat battery
2. no credit
3. corrupted software
4. decided to fuck with me
5. customer service that sucks dick
6. customer service that doesn’t even suck dick in ENGLISH!