Found out when we got here that tomorrow night’s show is sold out

When we’re on tour, those are pretty much the best words you can hear

Sold. Out.

And room service

Those two words make me tingly too

Having a quiet one in my room tonight

We don’t usually party too much on night’s off anyway

I think I’m still a bit jet lagged

But the main reason to not go anywhere

Is that I’m sitting here in my underwear covered in calamine lotion, cortison cream & all sorts of other stinky potions

Sexy, no?

No

Well you can thank British Airways for that disturbing mental image

‘Cause those unhygienic bastards gave me FUCKING BED BUGS

OK, so I totally can’t prove that

All I know, is on the flight from London to Johannesburg

I started to get itchy

I had a tank top on and I kept scratching my shoulders

Then when I woke up in Johannesburg

I had bites on my arms

Today I have more

I don’t know if that constitutes as ‘bed bugs’

But I googled it

And oh, I totally shouldn’t have googled that shit

I will never learn my lesson

So my self diagnosis is bed bugs

Even though technically, I got them from a grody plane seat

Thanks-very-fucking-much-British-Airways

So now I KNOW I’m going to have nightmares

About big fucking buggy insect thingies

Crawling all over me

Multiplying

GAH!

I think my therapy bill should be BAs to pay, yeah?

And my room service bill too

‘Cause I’m probably going to sleep in the bath

And I’m ordering a bottle of wine from room service to take with me

And I tried to rename it

But nothing worked quite as well as fuck this shit

So fuck this shit it is

I don’t like to whinge

Lie

Yes I do

And I’m pretty good at it too

But losing weight sucks arse

Big time

And it’s my own fault

If I could just be more consistent with the whole, ‘sensible eating’ rah rah bullshit that all the skinny bitches from TV are always preaching

I wouldn’t keep stacking on the weight in spades

And having so much fucking work to do to get it off again

And there are no excuses

But between having babies, miscarriages & a love for anything chocolate covered

My size in clothes is starting to look like a phone number

And I’m done

And I’ve said I’m done before

But this time I mean it

Just like I meant it last time

And the time before that

But come on guys, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day (but if they made it out of french fries I could’ve demolished that fucking town in HALF that time)

And it’s not just because we’re filming for a live DVD in South Africa in 2 months

OK, yes it is

I just don’t like exercising, any kind

But I do love food, every kind

Perfect recipe for a lifetime of freaking out every time I hit the scales

But I want to be healthy too

I don’t want to be the fat Mum

I want to point & make jokes about the fat Mum

Which is very hard to do when I AM the fat Mum

So far on this tour I have worked out every day, except one

But there was one day I worked out twice, so that totally means I’ve done it every day huzzaaaah!

And I just fucking hate it

Exercising is dangerous you guys

I have a workout video

A bootcamp DVD where this huge black man yells at me through the TV and counts to 8 over and over and over

And I have to kick my legs and jump and drop to the floor and jump up again and kick

It makes me SWEATY

Like, YUK!

And it makes be break shit too

So far this tour, I’ve kicked over 2 coffee tables, ripped a set of curtains and knocked the legs off a king size bed

And the noises I’m making are not pretty

But it must sound like I’m having some kind of kinky-orgy-masturbating-festival in my room

Judging by the hi-5 & the wink the guy in the next room gave me when he saw me checking out this morning

Exercising just makes me want to stab someone

I hate dieting, so I thought it would be quicker to just stop eating altogether

So I did

And after 45 minutes I got dizzy and had to be brought back around by the contents of the mini bar

It was a close call

Like today, I’m on the treadmill

Why can’t all those fucking machines be the same?

I like it whent you can just keep pressing the UP arrow, to work out the speed you want to go

But this one didn’t have it, so I had to just pick a number

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t press 16 instead of 6 and I flew off that mother fucker like a ninja turtle having a seizure

But I got back on

And then my iPod, which was on shuffle, started playing the theme to Ghostbusters and I was all like, how the FUCK did THAT song get on there, but then my mind wondered and I started singing along, doing a little bit of a dance….who ya gonna call??

And fell off the fucking treadmill again

AAAAANNNND I don’t have a holder for my iPod, so I just stick it down the front of my sports bra but the jolt of the second fall made it fly out and hit me in the fucking nose

So now I’m limping around like an has-been boxer with a fat schnozz

But hey, my cholesterol is down

Woop-dee-fucking-doo

I just want to get to the point that I can watch myself on DVD without running from the room screaming

So if you see me with a chocolate in my mouth, please take it from me

I will probably try and hurt you

But you should still take it from me

If you see me with a glass of wine

Step the fuck back bitches – I’m not giving up everything

I even have an app for my iPhone called ‘LOSE IT’

Where I enter in all the food I eat each day and it tells me I’m still a fat ho and laughs in my face how many calories I’ve eaten

I’ve been sticking to it so far

I even went as far as NOT eating an apple yesterday because it would have meant I wouldn’t have enough calories left to have a wine after the show

Apple or wine?

Like anyone would pick a fucking apple

I was really tempted to take a BEFORE pic in my underwear and post it on here

NOT

People who do that are b-r-a-v-e, BRAVE

Me – no fucking way dude

Exhibit A

What I wanted for dinner was this

And these

Followed by this

And what I HAD for dinner is this wank lettuce crap

Again I say, fuck this shit

.

It’s probably kinda stupid even writing about it all

‘Cause I see a lot of you guys who read this

Like, all the time

And next time I do

And I look even bigger ’cause I gave up on this shit and just ordered room service no different

You’re going to feel all uncomfortable about what to say

You know what?

Just do us all a favour and tell me I look like I’ve lost weight

Even if I haven’t

It’ll be better for the friendship

Especially if you’ve gained a few yourself

That would make me happy

A good friend?

Not really

But happy?

Fuckin’ oath

I thought it was time to get back into it

Someone really fucking observant said to me the other day, gee you go to the dentist a lot

And I’m like, NO SHIT SHERLOCK

For those of you just joining our broadcast

You can get up-to-date by reading THIS

And then THIS

OK – you with me?

Good

So now you know that I’m not hanging out at my dentist’s office ’cause I want to get into his 70 year old pants

I’m there ’cause somewhere along the line

When this whole dental implant thing got started

It didn’t work

I know there’s a technical explanation full of big ol’ fancy words for what went on

But what it boils down to is this

IT. DIDN’T. FUCKING. WORK.

So guess what happens now?

I-GET-TO-(and I only said yes because of the drugs)-GO-THROUGH-THE-WHOLE-PROCESS-AGAIN!

I know, how fucking cool is that NOT going to be?

So I’m back to looking like I’m from banjo country having no tooth again

They pulled the whole implant out yesterday

Scraped the bone out

And put in new bone

And yes, it feels just as awesome as it sounds

.

Now I wait a few months

Then go back to have the new implant put in

Get a new tooth made…blah…blah…fucking BLAH

So today, my face looks like the ugly side of a bashed in clam

And Diamond is cruising for a bruising and I will look like matching bookends if he doesn’t stop laughing at my misery

.

I guess I should be grateful that I didn’t get BOOB implants like I need to carry around a pair of those fuckers

Imagine this kind of fuck up with a set of ta-tas??

No, if I ever have the desire to look like a blow up doll got fake tits

I’d totally take in pictures so that the doc knew EXCACTLY what I was after

Natural looking ones

So I could still wear bathers

And exercise

Get behind the wheel

.

Let’s just get my teeth right first though

One thing at a time

Got an email yesterday from a TV show that Dad’s doing while we’re there

They want me to bring my guitar and sing CAMEL TOE

Awesome you say?

Well, kinda

See, I’m a HUGE fan of radio interviews

For obvious reasons

You know, the whole ‘everyone looks 15 pounds heavier on TV’

Who doesn’t want THAT????

That would be me

So if you add in the 20 pounds I already wanted to lose but didn’t

And the 15 pounds that I’m going to gain just by sitting in front of a camera…

That’s 35 fucking pounds I need to lose

By MONDAY!

And today is FUCKING THURSDAY

‘Scuse me while I go to the bathroom and stick my fingers down my throat

And I laxative up my arse

Or is that supposed to be the other way around?

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.

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PS – above pics are from google images, not my photo library. I don’t own a white bra or a fucked up belly button like that x

1. a flat battery
2. no credit
3. corrupted software
4. decided to fuck with me
5. customer service that sucks dick
6. customer service that doesn’t even suck dick in ENGLISH!

You know, THOSE days

Where maybe I should have just stayed in bed

Broken printer/scanner

Broken washing machine

Broken phone from slamming it down so hard after talking to the bank that ‘CAN’T FIND‘ a shitload of my money

(nearly) broken arm from getting it caught in the air vent while trying to retrieve Miss 4′s stuffed dog

Still swollen (and sore) mouth

And as anyone can tell you, music is something that can really snap you out of a fucking evil bitch gloomy mood

And while this song may not do that

It does make me feel that my day, could have been SO much worse

So thanks Dad…

ABSOLUTE CUNT OF A DAY by Kevin Bloody Wilson

And yeah, I know I’m lucky to be alive blah, blah, blah

But after 75 minutes – that’s right – seventy-FUCKING-five-FUCKING-mintutes on hold to customer service where I‘m yet to encounter a mother fucker that speaks English my face is turning purple with rage

So maybe I should check my pulse to be sure

*checks pulse*

Oh happy day

I’m still fucking here!!

It gives me great pleasure pain to let you know that nothing has changed

NOTHING

So I’m laying in bed this fine Sunday morning

And I use the word morning lightly, ’cause it’s 3am

And I hear this little voice

Mommy, mommy

And I roll over to see Miss 6 at the side of the bed

I have cramps in my legs

Can I sleep in your bed?

Now I don’t know about you, but I love it when the kids climb into our bed in the mornings

But only for about 5 minutes

And NOT at 3am

Sure bub, jump in

So she does, and we cuddle

But sure as shit, at the five minute mark she starts

Snoring like a 60 year old drunk truck driver

I mean, she’s SIX

And she’s a GIRL

And she could almost kick her Dad’s hairy arse in the ‘drive mummy mental with your snoring’ stakes

So it’s stupid o’clock and I’m laying there in the snoring sandwhich wondering if I’ll ever go back to sleep

When I hear

Mommy, mommy

And I look over the other side of the bed and see Miss 4

Can I come and sleep with you ’cause my bed’s wet your bed’s more comfy

Sure baby girl, climb on up

So now you have, from left to right, Miss 6, me, Miss 4 and Diamond

And even though our bed is pretty massive

Nothing could accomodate the level of ‘make me want to scream’ snoring that started

It was like the 3 of them were trying to outdo eachother

And the girls, I shit you not, were louder than Diamond

Good luck trying to find a husband one day with those ‘cute’ sleeping habits

If you don’t have anyone that snores in your house can I move in?

Let me try and paint the picture for you

It sounds something like 100 rusty chainsaws, cutting into to whirling blades of 50 army helicopters, that landed in the bear enclosure at the zoo, right next to an explosives factory, that farted

Only louder

Anyhoo

I lay there trying to come up with ways to muzzle them them

But none of those ways allowed room for them to keep breathing

So it got to about 4am, and I decided I didn’t want to go to jail for suffocating them all couldn’t take it anymore

So I headed downstairs

Tried to sleep on the couch

No luck

I was wide awake

Fuck it, I’ll do some laundry answer some emails

So I make a cup of tea

Sit down here at the computer

But do you think I can concentrate?

Nope

Because I forgot about this woolly mammoth sitting at my feet

And how he holds the world record for SNORING LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER!

.

.

*just so you know, when I go back out on the road next week, I’m actually going to miss this!

Had a lot of fun & made some great mates

I don’t get back there nearly as often as I’d like

It’s a great town if you like country music and bbq ribs full of fun stuff and people

Nashville is where I first started having problems with what I shall refer to as my six million dollar tooth

My SMT if you will

I had a toothache that went bad

Really bad

Like my gums were giving birth to a pod of pygmy hippos kind of bad

So after realising that alcohol was not the best medicine in this case, I finally relented and went to the dentist

For those of you aren’t familiar with my pain allergy and masters degree in woos-i-ness, just know that I have been known to call for an ambulance for a paper cut

So being a big girl and going to the dentist was fucking torture a big deal for me

After examining my tooth he ‘tsk tsked‘ a bit wanker and then told me 2 words I hoped to never hear

You’re pregnant

No, no those two words. They came a few years later

ROOT CANAL

Me: Oh fuck – can’t you just give me a new tooth?

Him: No. We can fix this one

Me: Well, how about I just learn to smile from the one side, like this?

(I strike a pose)

That way you won’t even notice it if I don’t have the root canal and it ends up falling out

Him: No

Me: Oh man. OK then – but I’m going to need drugs

Lots of drugs

He’s all,

Sure we have pain medication and the like

Me: I don’t think you understand

I’m talking copious amounts of class A narcotics

Got it?

Him: We’ll see what we can do

So to cut to the chase (what does that mean anyway?)

I had the root canal

It didn’t hurt too bad when he did it

But afterwards?
OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD!

You can slap me on the arse and call me a pussy, but that shit is for motherfuckers

My eyes are watering just thinking about it

After it was all done I was booked to go back to get the tooth capped

And of course I totally didn’t go

What’s the worse thing that could happen?

Let me tell you what the worse thing that could happen

You could be singing on stage (I can’t remember where, I blacked out from the pain alcohol) and have someone run up and stab you in the mouth with rusty Aztec spear

OK, so that didn’t actually happen

But Jeeeesus, that’s what it felt like

It hurt so bad

So I go to the dentist, a new one cause the other one wouldn’t give me the keys to the drug cabinet because I was now living in Chicago

He told me that because I didn’t have the tooth capped after the root canal, I was a stupid mole it had cracked and my gum was now growing through the cracks

Are you eating? Yeah, it paints a lovely picture doesn’t it?

So after he promised to give me as much gas, viacodon and elephant tranquilisers as I needed, I agreed to let him take it out and then give me a new tooth

Many appointments where I was as high as a kite and may have said innappropriate things to the ugly dental assistant later…

I got a new tooth

I’ve had my new tooth for a while now

I like my tooth

I went through a lot to get my new tooth

It’s kind of cool looking don’t you think?

What’s that?

Oh, why is it in my hand you ask?

Because the cock-sucking-mental-anguish-causing-mother-fucking-six-million-dollar-nearly-died-from-a-drug-overdose-because-of-it piece-of-dental-CRAP, fell-the-fuck-out today

That’s why!

I’m referring to the CRAFT of HOVERING

All the girls know what I mean

Boys, you’re lucky enough to probably never have had to do it

Let me explain

Whenever a girl has to go to a public toilet

She gets ready to HOVER

Because from the outside, most toilets look OK

But on the inside

Oh my fucking GOD!

(OK, maybe not this bad)

And if you could hold it in you would

But having had babies and being drunk makes it difficult sometimes to keep it all in, you know?

So when you gotta go, you gotta go

That’s where the CRAFT of HOVERING comes in to play

I’ve been doing it since I was a kid

My mum would take me to the toilet if we were out somewhere

And while I wet my pants waited, she’d methodically lay sheets of toilet paper down all over the seat, so my bum wouldn’t touch any part of it

But even with all that, I’d STILL have to hover

For you boys, that means weeing WITHOUT any part of you touching the seat

I know, what the fuck right?

When I was little, mum would have to hold me over the toilet

Now I have to do it myself

Just imagine a kangaroo

I really uncomfortable, wobbly kangaroo

With cramps in it’s legs

You get the idea

‘Cause not all public toilets look like this

When faced with a full bladder

And this

There’s bound to be a bit of acrobatics involved

Like today

In the David Jones (department store) public toilets

It’s a long and fucking embarrassing story

Just know that by trying to avoid getting any germs on me

I pulled 3 muscles, have a bruise the size of Tasmania on my arse, and ended up landing face first on the empty toilet roll holder

Awesome

You can stop laughing now mother fuckers!

So while I love being a girl

Having boobs

Having babies

Having PMS

Having the last word

There ARE days where it would be nice to have a penis 

And to be able to scratch my balls piss wherever I wanted

One of the dorks guys that works there was telling me that someone actually DIED when the store opened

People were sleeping out because they’re fucked in the head for days before they had the officially opening, so that they could be crushed to death the first ones in there

I don’t get that

There’s nothing in the Apple store that you can’t buy online and get delivered to your door

Maybe that’s just how lazy chicks like me roll

There’s tonnes of other boring shit facts to know about this particular store

* It’s the 215th Apple Store, and the first in the Southern Hemisphere 

* It’a one of the biggest stores (although not the biggest, that title goes to Boston) standing three storeys

* The floor is made of marble shipped in from Italy where Apple has its own quarry, and every piece is perfect and flawless

* There are macs for anyone to use to check their email or browse the web

* It’s made from the largest sheets of plate glass in the world at more than 15 meters a piece

One of the things they DO have that we liked was a Kid Apple Camp

For kids on school holidays to learn about Mac computers

Dad and I tried to sneak in but we nearly got arrested they were full

It’s actually a pretty cool looking shop

And Dad gets crazy excited whenever he’s in close proximity to a Mac Store

Kinda like me near a buffet table shoe shop 

But the reason I went to check out this one was mainly to see someone face to face about all the problems I’ve been having with my Mac

But apparently to meet with a wanker in person an ‘expert from the genius bar’ you have to have an appointment

Well I didn’t HAVE an appointment

So they gave me the next available slot

Next fucking Wednesday

I’m not smiling anymore