I know, great title for the post

And I tried to rename it

But nothing worked quite as well as fuck this shit

So fuck this shit it is

I don’t like to whinge

Lie

Yes I do

And I’m pretty good at it too

But losing weight sucks arse

Big time

And it’s my own fault

If I could just be more consistent with the whole, ’sensible eating’ rah rah bullshit that all the skinny bitches from TV are always preaching

I wouldn’t keep stacking on the weight in spades

And having so much fucking work to do to get it off again

And there are no excuses

But between having babies, miscarriages & a love for anything chocolate covered

My size in clothes is starting to look like a phone number

And I’m done

And I’ve said I’m done before

But this time I mean it

Just like I meant it last time

And the time before that

But come on guys, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day (but if they made it out of french fries I could’ve demolished that fucking town in HALF that time)

And it’s not just because we’re filming for a live DVD in South Africa in 2 months

OK, yes it is

I just don’t like exercising, any kind

But I do love food, every kind

Perfect recipe for a lifetime of freaking out every time I hit the scales

But I want to be healthy too

I don’t want to be the fat Mum

I want to point & make jokes about the fat Mum

Which is very hard to do when I AM the fat Mum

So far on this tour I have worked out every day, except one

But there was one day I worked out twice, so that totally means I’ve done it every day huzzaaaah!

And I just fucking hate it

Exercising is dangerous you guys

I have a workout video

A bootcamp DVD where this huge black man yells at me through the TV and counts to 8 over and over and over

And I have to kick my legs and jump and drop to the floor and jump up again and kick

It makes me SWEATY

Like, YUK!

And it makes be break shit too

So far this tour, I’ve kicked over 2 coffee tables, ripped a set of curtains and knocked the legs off a king size bed

And the noises I’m making are not pretty

But it must sound like I’m having some kind of kinky-orgy-masturbating-festival in my room

Judging by the hi-5 & the wink the guy in the next room gave me when he saw me checking out this morning

Exercising just makes me want to stab someone

I hate dieting, so I thought it would be quicker to just stop eating altogether

So I did

And after 45 minutes I got dizzy and had to be brought back around by the contents of the mini bar

It was a close call

Like today, I’m on the treadmill

Why can’t all those fucking machines be the same?

I like it whent you can just keep pressing the UP arrow, to work out the speed you want to go

But this one didn’t have it, so I had to just pick a number

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t press 16 instead of 6 and I flew off that mother fucker like a ninja turtle having a seizure

But I got back on

And then my iPod, which was on shuffle, started playing the theme to Ghostbusters and I was all like, how the FUCK did THAT song get on there, but then my mind wondered and I started singing along, doing a little bit of a dance….who ya gonna call??

And fell off the fucking treadmill again

AAAAANNNND I don’t have a holder for my iPod, so I just stick it down the front of my sports bra but the jolt of the second fall made it fly out and hit me in the fucking nose

So now I’m limping around like an has-been boxer with a fat schnozz

But hey, my cholesterol is down

Woop-dee-fucking-doo

I just want to get to the point that I can watch myself on DVD without running from the room screaming

So if you see me with a chocolate in my mouth, please take it from me

I will probably try and hurt you

But you should still take it from me

If you see me with a glass of wine

Step the fuck back bitches – I’m not giving up everything

I even have an app for my iPhone called ‘LOSE IT’

Where I enter in all the food I eat each day and it tells me I’m still a fat ho and laughs in my face how many calories I’ve eaten

I’ve been sticking to it so far

I even went as far as NOT eating an apple yesterday because it would have meant I wouldn’t have enough calories left to have a wine after the show

Apple or wine?

Like anyone would pick a fucking apple

I was really tempted to take a BEFORE pic in my underwear and post it on here

NOT

People who do that are b-r-a-v-e, BRAVE

Me – no fucking way dude

Exhibit A

What I wanted for dinner was this

And these

Followed by this

And what I HAD for dinner is this wank lettuce crap

Again I say, fuck this shit

.

It’s probably kinda stupid even writing about it all

‘Cause I see a lot of you guys who read this

Like, all the time

And next time I do

And I look even bigger ’cause I gave up on this shit and just ordered room service no different

You’re going to feel all uncomfortable about what to say

You know what?

Just do us all a favour and tell me I look like I’ve lost weight

Even if I haven’t

It’ll be better for the friendship

Especially if you’ve gained a few yourself

That would make me happy

A good friend?

Not really

But happy?

Fuckin’ oath

Because I haven’t bitched about going to the dentist in like, 3 days or some kind of record like that

I thought it was time to get back into it

Someone really fucking observant said to me the other day, gee you go to the dentist a lot

And I’m like, NO SHIT SHERLOCK

For those of you just joining our broadcast

You can get up-to-date by reading THIS

And then THIS

OK – you with me?

Good

So now you know that I’m not hanging out at my dentist’s office ’cause I want to get into his 70 year old pants

I’m there ’cause somewhere along the line

When this whole dental implant thing got started

It didn’t work

I know there’s a technical explanation full of big ol’ fancy words for what went on

But what it boils down to is this

IT. DIDN’T. FUCKING. WORK.

So guess what happens now?

I-GET-TO-(and I only said yes because of the drugs)-GO-THROUGH-THE-WHOLE-PROCESS-AGAIN!

I know, how fucking cool is that NOT going to be?

So I’m back to looking like I’m from banjo country having no tooth again

They pulled the whole implant out yesterday

Scraped the bone out

And put in new bone

And yes, it feels just as awesome as it sounds

.

Now I wait a few months

Then go back to have the new implant put in

Get a new tooth made…blah…blah…fucking BLAH

So today, my face looks like the ugly side of a bashed in clam

And Diamond is cruising for a bruising and I will look like matching bookends if he doesn’t stop laughing at my misery

.

I guess I should be grateful that I didn’t get BOOB implants like I need to carry around a pair of those fuckers

Imagine this kind of fuck up with a set of ta-tas??

No, if I ever have the desire to look like a blow up doll got fake tits

I’d totally take in pictures so that the doc knew EXCACTLY what I was after

Natural looking ones

So I could still wear bathers

And exercise

Get behind the wheel

.

Let’s just get my teeth right first though

One thing at a time