Just finished the soundcheck for tonight’s show

We’d been told earlier, that this area of land

Has the HIGHEST population (per square km) of reptiles

Yes, SNAKES and lizards ‘n shit

But mainly SNAKES

SNAKES that bite

Scaley fuckers that can KILL you

SSSNAAKES!!

 

Where was I?

Oh yeah, so where I am, right now

And where I’m sleeping tonight

Is home to more fucking snakes than ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD

The fuck?

How come no one tells you this shit BEFORE you agree to the show

And then I see these dog-poo-picker-upper things each side of the stage

And assumed maybe they were for the dingo’s poo

‘Cause there’s bucket loads of those buggers out here too

But no, they’re there to pick up SNAKES

And put them in this

And no, I did NOT lift the lid to see if there was any in there

How could you even THINK that?

Gah, what is WRONG with you guys???

It’s like you WANT me to die.

This video takes me back to my happy place

It’s my first video blog from the last UK tour in 2009

Back when I knew how to use iMovie and thought hey fuck it, why don’t I make a full on live DVD and edit it MY FUCKING SELF with final cut pro like all the professionals use but I would need a newer computer and updated software so I’ll just go spend thousands of dollars on that shit but wait oh hey, I don’t know how to USE this fancy fucking program so I better get me some lessons from the experts in blue shirts at the Apple store who are really helpful which is good because I’ll end up spending more time with them than my fucking husband because I didn’t realise that I shouldn’t edit using USB external hard drives, and every fucktard (except me) knows you can only use firewire hard drives for big arse projects because otherwise you’ll lose months of fucking editing work when your files become corrupt and won’t fucking open anymore and you’re so spewing you could cry except you already ARE crying because you missed out on going to see the Dolly Parton concert that you had VIP tickets for AND you have to get your shit done yesterday ’cause it’s only 46 more god damn mother fucking days ’til Christmas fuck cunt prick shit mother fucker

And how’s YOUR day going?

“Shut up”

 

“You are stupid”

 

“For fuck’s sake you piece of shit”

 

“Go fuck yourself”

 

“What the fuck, you dumbarse”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

 

“Oh my God, I’m going to kill you”

 

“Shut up, shut up, shut up”

 

“You fucking FUCK!”

These are the daily ‘conversations’ Mum & Dad have with the GPS in our car

Which is why, I think it’s now getting us lost on purpose

 

As most of you know

I’m supposed to be in the U.K. right now

But I’m not

I’m still at home in Chicago

I’ve been delaying the inevitable

Hoping that my passport & work visa will miraculously turn up on my doorstep

And I’ll race to the airport and make it in time

In reality, I’ve already missed one show

And even if I left this minute, I’ll miss the second

I received an email late yesterday afternoon from the New York office of UK visa processing

(the first correspondence from them in over a week – I have emailed them no less than 24 times and called non-stop, daily – with no reply)

Telling me it will be at least 5 more days until they process my application

This is the application that was filed online weeks ago

That I paid a lot of (additional) money to have priority processed

Couriered my passport to them – along with copies of my previous work visas, dating back 10 years

And everything else they asked for

And then some

Flew to New York to have biometrics done (fingerprinting)

All while being assured by them that if approved, I would have it in time for my trip

It would seem that’s not the case

They’re telling me they didn’t get it in time

I have the UPS delivery confirmation that proves that they did

So what, now we get in a pissing contest to see who’s right?

When really, it doesn’t fucking matter

I won’t get there in time

I have to cancel the shows

Again

I want to say sorry to all of you that had made plans to come to the shows

And to all the venues that gave me a second chance after the last fuck up of monumental proportions

Thanks for giving me that second chance

As for a third, well…I doubt it

From my end and yours

Don’t even get me started on all the work Anne has put into getting the shows booked etc

And that now, for a second time, my sound guy Dave has a week with no work, thanks to me

I don’t even want to add up how much this costs me, and others, in lost revenue, non-refundable travel costs and blah blah fucking blah

But I DO appreciate all the comments, calls and emails you guys have sent through

The funny ones have been exactly what I’ve needed

While I’m always happy to have extra time at home

Like today, being able to take Magoo on her school field trip, is nothing but a bonus

I love my job

And was so excited to be getting back to the UK & Ireland again

Even for such a short time

I’m pissed off and I’m still sulking

But I’ll get over it

It’s not the end of the world

But it does fucking suck

A lot.

I think Dad summed it up best, “……they need fucking with a pineapple”

I couldn’t agree more