Our week in Japan for MateRock went so fast, and was full-on times a bazillion. I didn’t get time to blog on the trip, because I was lazy and drunk a lot so I’m going to break it down over a few blogs, before I forget everything…

We left Perth Wednesday flying Malaysian Airlines. We don’t normally fly with them, so we weren’t sure what we were going to get

We were hoping for airborn

What we got was 5 hours of non-stop food and niceness from the lovelies that were our flight attendants

A quick stop in Kuala Lumpur, then the same sensational treatment for another 7 hours

This trip was starting out better than a free foot rub

And we hadn’t even got there yet!

My next holiday is going to be just sitting on a Malaysian Airlines flight – never getting off – just kicking back, watching movies and feeding my face

If those planes could add a pond to fish in, I could even talk Diamond into coming

We arrived at Narita airport to meet the festival organisers and some of the other musos

Then we jumped on the bus for a 4 hour drive to Hakuba, where Saturday’s concert was being held

The 4 hour drive got stretched out to nearly 5 1/2 hours

On account of 3 stops and my constant need to take photos of the toilets

Those things are heated

And while none of the buttons you see in the pic (below) actually flush the thing

They will give your vajay-jay quite the splash, rinse or blow dry

I felt like a new girl

Next stop had one like this (below)

I acutally had to double check the sign outside to make sure I was really in the girl’s loo

It was

And I had a lot of trouble sitting on this thing for a wee

Most uncomfy on my bum bone

Makes sense really

‘Cause I was told afterwards that it’s for women to SQUAT over and pee in!

Score one for the dip shit Aussie tourist

Another stop was Okaya City

With amazing views and a STARBUCKS!

Fuck yeah!

Until it was time to throw my rubbish out

And I got all intimidated by the massive selection of bins that looked like Octomom had given birth to a litter of R2D2s

I still have my rubbish

It should be noted that the cake pops in Japan taste nothing like the ones I’ve eaten by the truckload in other countries

I’m pretty sure they laced these mothers with wasabi

Yep, not good at all

Anyhoo

After much driving, vajay-jay washing and rubbish hoarding

We made it to our destination

But wait, there’s more… but not yet ’cause I’m back in Kuala Lumpur, and the fabbo shops here close in 1 hour…BYE! (or is that BUY?)

So yeah…I made this

No biggy

Just a little something I slaved over a hot beater whipped up for a 4th July party we went to

You may call me Martha

What….you don’t believe me?

It took me an hour to clean up the kitchen afterwards

But it was worth it – how yummy does it look?

It’s not really good for you though

And by, ‘not really good for you’ – I mean, cups & CUPS of sugar, cool whip, cream cheese, butter, pretzels, and more sugar

That’s right, chock-full of the healthy shit

So I may have had a bit of a taste test to reward myself

A couple-two-three maybe

I’ve got the muffin top to prove it peeps!

I am available for weddings, birthdays and all your ‘desert requiring’ get-togethers

Pfft….pigs arse!

One of the cool things about traveling is the different foods you get to experience

OK, so experiencing any food, anywhere is completely fine with me

Especially food I didn’t have to cook

I’ll try whatever’s going

Except monkey glands

You hear that South Africa?

While I love your people, culture and amazeballs wild life parks

I refuse to chew on a chimps scrotum

What about that sounds enticing to you?

‘Cause to me, it paints a picture of some whackjob in a chef’s hat – a hundred screaming primates – and a pair of hedge trimmers

Ouch

And yuk

Our waiter at one restaurant ASSURED me that it didn’t ‘really’ mean there were ‘actual’ monkey glands in the food

It’s just what the food was called

Wah?

That’s like serving up chocolate fudge slice

And calling it POO CAKE

Why would you do that?

You should try and ‘woo’ the tourists with your local cuisine

Disguise the grody shit you’re trying to serve up

Monkey gland soup?

Why not just call it, Mendella Meat Ball Soup?

I would totally try that

Cause I’m into soup and politics

Yeah, you really need to work on your menu descriptions

Some of us (ie; me) foreigners are a bit squeamish about the weird stuff

I don’t need to know ALL the deets about what I am about to partake in

‘Cause really, the idea of monkey gland soup makes me gag like a teenager giving her first blow job

Speaking of headjobs

I have a hot date tonight, with my husband Diamond, at a cool new restaurant by our house

Apparently they have fresh Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu

Which is another yummy sounding dish I’ve never tried

Diamond says that they’re really bull testicles

I told him to shut the fuck up

On one of our many piss pit stops

We parked next to this mother trucker

It was a long, LONG arse road train

And as I was walking along side of it

I noticed all these set of legs

Then I noticed this guy

Totally trying to stare me down

And once I felt sure he wasn’t going to kill me couldn’t get through the steel railing

I ventured closer

And he didn’t take his eyes off me for one second

And me?
I couldn’t take my eyes of these for one second

That there is some MAJOR excess baggage

.

After a few minutes I decided I’d taken enough photos of his knackers violated his personal space enough

So started to make a move to the dunny before I wet myself headed on my merry way

But I felt something staring at me

And it wasn’t the porn star bull this time

It was this little dude

Check out those eyes

His brother came over to check me out too

Could they BE any more adorable?

*sigh*

Soooo cute

.

But not quite cute enough to make me a vegetarian