You know what that means?

Yep, I should totally have my own cooking show

As fast as you can

You can’t catch eat me

I’m the gingerbread man that’s just bloody gross

Mind you, I reckon I’d taste better than Dad

Thanks to our Scottish mates James & Carol for the yummy cookies

As some of you already know, this is Diamond’s fave holiday, so our house has been decorated within an inch of it’s life for-e-ver!

Flashing lights, blow up black cats, smoke machines, witches on the roof, mechanical spiders

You name it, it’s in our front yard

It’s a fair dinkum freak show….and we love it

It’s Macaroni’s fave holiday too – but that’s mainly because October is her birthday month too

My MIL has always called her a Halloween baby

Which makes me think of shit like this

Lovely

We went to the pumpkin patch with the girls last week

And I think we can all agree

That my photo skills, are quite possibly getting worse

I believe it’s a direct result of NOT having a drink before we left the house

That doesn’t happen often, and I think my picture taking skills suffered as a result, agreed?

Anyhoo – was a beautiful day, weather was absolutely stunning

And we scored some fab pumpkins

Chalk it up for a win

We’ll take the kids trick or treating after school today

But we’re still undecided if we’re going to bring the Fluffinator along for the festivities this year

Remember the Halloween shenanigans from 2009?

Fluff’s pretty much been in the Halloween naughty corner since then

I’m thinking it might be time to stick a costume on him and take him out again

Fuck it, I could do with a laugh

Hopefully pics (from tonight) won’t suck hairy goat balls

Maybe someone else should be photog?

I’ll be pretty busy balancing the candy cart that will be half empty by the time we get home my drink

And the 130 pound dog

Now I just need to get him a costume

Any suggestions?

She had to draw a picture to accompany each sentence about her senses

Like, a picture to show her favourite thing to smell

She drew Fluffy

Her favourite thing to see?

Fluffy again

Her favourite thing to touch?

Wait for it….yep….Fluffy

Are you sensing the pattern here?

So of course her favourite thing to hear but the one thing that does Diamond & my head in is Fluffy too

She finally drew something different when it was time to show what her favourite thing to taste was

Otherwise her class would think we ran a Chinese restaurant

Icecream

*Insert sigh of relief here*

We left Perth Wednesday flying Malaysian Airlines. We don’t normally fly with them, so we weren’t sure what we were going to get

We were hoping for airborn

What we got was 5 hours of non-stop food and niceness from the lovelies that were our flight attendants

A quick stop in Kuala Lumpur, then the same sensational treatment for another 7 hours

This trip was starting out better than a free foot rub

And we hadn’t even got there yet!

My next holiday is going to be just sitting on a Malaysian Airlines flight – never getting off – just kicking back, watching movies and feeding my face

If those planes could add a pond to fish in, I could even talk Diamond into coming

We arrived at Narita airport to meet the festival organisers and some of the other musos

Then we jumped on the bus for a 4 hour drive to Hakuba, where Saturday’s concert was being held

The 4 hour drive got stretched out to nearly 5 1/2 hours

On account of 3 stops and my constant need to take photos of the toilets

Those things are heated

And while none of the buttons you see in the pic (below) actually flush the thing

They will give your vajay-jay quite the splash, rinse or blow dry

I felt like a new girl

Next stop had one like this (below)

I acutally had to double check the sign outside to make sure I was really in the girl’s loo

It was

And I had a lot of trouble sitting on this thing for a wee

Most uncomfy on my bum bone

Makes sense really

‘Cause I was told afterwards that it’s for women to SQUAT over and pee in!

Score one for the dip shit Aussie tourist

Another stop was Okaya City

With amazing views and a STARBUCKS!

Fuck yeah!

Until it was time to throw my rubbish out

And I got all intimidated by the massive selection of bins that looked like Octomom had given birth to a litter of R2D2s

I still have my rubbish

It should be noted that the cake pops in Japan taste nothing like the ones I’ve eaten by the truckload in other countries

I’m pretty sure they laced these mothers with wasabi

Yep, not good at all

Anyhoo

After much driving, vajay-jay washing and rubbish hoarding

We made it to our destination

But wait, there’s more… but not yet ’cause I’m back in Kuala Lumpur, and the fabbo shops here close in 1 hour…BYE! (or is that BUY?)

No biggy

Just a little something I slaved over a hot beater whipped up for a 4th July party we went to

You may call me Martha

What….you don’t believe me?

It took me an hour to clean up the kitchen afterwards

But it was worth it – how yummy does it look?

It’s not really good for you though

And by, ‘not really good for you’ – I mean, cups & CUPS of sugar, cool whip, cream cheese, butter, pretzels, and more sugar

That’s right, chock-full of the healthy shit

So I may have had a bit of a taste test to reward myself

A couple-two-three maybe

I’ve got the muffin top to prove it peeps!

I am available for weddings, birthdays and all your ‘desert requiring’ get-togethers

Pfft….pigs arse!

OK, so experiencing any food, anywhere is completely fine with me

Especially food I didn’t have to cook

I’ll try whatever’s going

Except monkey glands

You hear that South Africa?

While I love your people, culture and amazeballs wild life parks

I refuse to chew on a chimps scrotum

What about that sounds enticing to you?

‘Cause to me, it paints a picture of some whackjob in a chef’s hat – a hundred screaming primates – and a pair of hedge trimmers

Ouch

And yuk

Our waiter at one restaurant ASSURED me that it didn’t ‘really’ mean there were ‘actual’ monkey glands in the food

It’s just what the food was called

Wah?

That’s like serving up chocolate fudge slice

And calling it POO CAKE

Why would you do that?

You should try and ‘woo’ the tourists with your local cuisine

Disguise the grody shit you’re trying to serve up

Monkey gland soup?

Why not just call it, Mendella Meat Ball Soup?

I would totally try that

Cause I’m into soup and politics

Yeah, you really need to work on your menu descriptions

Some of us (ie; me) foreigners are a bit squeamish about the weird stuff

I don’t need to know ALL the deets about what I am about to partake in

‘Cause really, the idea of monkey gland soup makes me gag like a teenager giving her first blow job

Speaking of headjobs

I have a hot date tonight, with my husband Diamond, at a cool new restaurant by our house

Apparently they have fresh Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu

Which is another yummy sounding dish I’ve never tried

Diamond says that they’re really bull testicles

I told him to shut the fuck up

We parked next to this mother trucker

It was a long, LONG arse road train

And as I was walking along side of it

I noticed all these set of legs

Then I noticed this guy

Totally trying to stare me down

And once I felt sure he wasn’t going to kill me couldn’t get through the steel railing

I ventured closer

And he didn’t take his eyes off me for one second

And me?
I couldn’t take my eyes of these for one second

That there is some MAJOR excess baggage

.

After a few minutes I decided I’d taken enough photos of his knackers violated his personal space enough

So started to make a move to the dunny before I wet myself headed on my merry way

But I felt something staring at me

And it wasn’t the porn star bull this time

It was this little dude

Check out those eyes

His brother came over to check me out too

Could they BE any more adorable?

*sigh*

Soooo cute

.

But not quite cute enough to make me a vegetarian

A good blur

But blurry none the less

I’m writing this from my hotel room in Darwin

I start the 1st of 5 Northern Territory shows with Dad tonight

4 out of the 5 gigs are at places I’ve never been to

So I’m totally hanging out to offend some new people with my fuck songs excited for those shows

Once I’m a bit more back on deck, & the antibiotics kick in

Nothing major, just another dose of the clap throat/sinus infection

The usual shit

I feel OK, just a bit ripped off that none of it is sexually transmitted

But when I catch up a bit more on my sleep etc, I’ll post some more detailed blogs from the trip so far

You know, like what I wore, how many times I went to the toilet each day

The important stuff

Anyhoo

Wanted to post some random pics in the meantime

Let’s start with the Geraldton show

The drive there started off full of piss & vinegar

But mainly piss

And somo sight seeing stops too

These were too big to steal take home in my purse

But I would totally have bought these if they were salt & pepper shakers

Who wouldn’t want two little roos sniffing eachother’s bums sitting on their dinner table every night?

It’s finds like these that remind me what an awesome interior decorator I wouldn’t would have made

.

Next night was the Perth show at the Pig & Whistle

Dad came along to drink the bar dry watch

And was reasonably well behaved

If you don’t count the 15 sets of tits he signed

But I think I may have outdone him

Take THAT Dad!

.

It was after this show that Heiny & I took our pussy pill

And decided to fly to the rest of the shows

I’m pretty sure that the large amount of vitamin C

And lack of vitamin ‘W’

Was contributing to my knackered-ness

I am working on rectifying this imbalance by glueing a wine glass to my right hand

.

Next stop was my hometown of Kalgoorlie

Where I went right back to where it all began

Accident and emegency

I’ll let you work out which one I was

.

This is a statue of Paddy Hannan

It seems a lot different since they cleaned the graffiti I wrote on it smaller than when I was a kid

This has nothing to do with the fact that I wear size buffalo I’m bigger

It was good to see Kalgoorlie again

It’s the place where all my memories begin

And I’ll blog more about that when I can fucking remember them

Then it was back on a plane with Heiny

To head off to Darwin to meet up with Ma & Pa

After a quick stopover in Perth

Where I met Julian Clary at the airport

I’ve always been a fan of his and I felt like a total dork asking him for a photo

He is, I’m happy to report, a very tall top bloke

And I’m pretty sure he wanted me

You know, as much as a raging pommy poof can want a hetro hairy sheila

And he even tweeted about me afterwards

And then I, of course, cracked a moisty

LOVE HIM!

.

Then it was a quick stop again in Alice Springs

I booked my flights myself, so I have no one else to blame for the milk run I found myself on

Mum & Dad however, were on a direct flight

AAAANNND, my brother was the pilot

So it WAS probably for the best that I wasn’t on THAT flight

‘Cause you know how they don’t let the WHOLE Royal Family fly together

In case the plane goes down?

Well, that’s how it is with our family

We’d need one of us alive to carry on the family tradition

Of  saying fuck for a living cultural enrichment for the masses

.

Mum picked me up at the airport in Darwin & we headed straight to our favourite restaurant

On the planet

CHRISTO’S

I’ve got some great pics of the awesome location

And even better food

This is not one of them

I was more about the eatin’ than the pic takin’, you know?

.

To be continued…

some of you will visit with family

some of you will have family visit you

some of you will go to church

some of you will do your praying in private

some of you won’t pray at all

some of you like me will use this day as a damn fine reason to sit on your arse all day and gorge yourself on chocolate until you lapse into a delicious cadbury coma

this song is for you:

CHOCOLATE’S BETTER THAN SEX

HAPPY EASTER