I tweeted this morning

And I have called his cell at least 20 times since then

Just to fuck with him check that it’s working

To add to his Bieber-fever – I just downloaded the new Justin Bieber Christmas album

I’ve been playing it, on repeat, for the last 2 hours

Loud

Macaroni and Magoo are stoked, and a running around saying, “…Mummy’s the greatest!”

Three guesses what Diamond is running around saying..

So that’s Halloween done & dusted for another year

Which means for the next week (at least) we follow each meal with a handful of lollies

Let the dentists of the world celebrate!

We carved pumpkins

Actually, M&M caved their pumpkins

I bought them these cool little battery operated pumpkin saws to use

Thinking they would be kid friendly

Magoo still managed to draw blood

But she’s got a bit of a gift for the ‘clumsy-break-shit-woops-how-did-THAT-happen’

I remember when they couldn’t even pick the pumpkins UP, they were so little

*simultaneous sob & snot wipe*

Trick or treating was awesome this year

The weather stayed great

There were trick-or-treaters all over the neighbourhood

And the kids scored the mother-load of treats

We took the kids out twice

Once, straight after school . Then again after dinner

We didn’t take Fluffy out the first time – he was too busy chewing up his skeleton costume

Fucker

But even without Fluffy

We still managed to make all the little kids either

A) cry

B) run away screaming

C) wet their pants

And in one case, all of the above

I think it may have had something to do with Diamond’s clown costume

Apparently clown costumes freak some people out

I mean it’s one thing to embarrass the shit out of your OWN kids

Realistically, our kids are pretty use to that

But to walk the streets frightening ALL the kids?

I reckon there’s some little buggers that will probably be too scared to even leave their houses next Halloween

What kind of adult / grownup / should know better, would DO that?

MEEE!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN PEEPS!

As some of you already know, this is Diamond’s fave holiday, so our house has been decorated within an inch of it’s life for-e-ver!

Flashing lights, blow up black cats, smoke machines, witches on the roof, mechanical spiders

You name it, it’s in our front yard

It’s a fair dinkum freak show….and we love it

It’s Macaroni’s fave holiday too – but that’s mainly because October is her birthday month too

My MIL has always called her a Halloween baby

Which makes me think of shit like this

Lovely

We went to the pumpkin patch with the girls last week

And I think we can all agree

That my photo skills, are quite possibly getting worse

I believe it’s a direct result of NOT having a drink before we left the house

That doesn’t happen often, and I think my picture taking skills suffered as a result, agreed?

Anyhoo – was a beautiful day, weather was absolutely stunning

And we scored some fab pumpkins

Chalk it up for a win

We’ll take the kids trick or treating after school today

But we’re still undecided if we’re going to bring the Fluffinator along for the festivities this year

Remember the Halloween shenanigans from 2009?

Fluff’s pretty much been in the Halloween naughty corner since then

I’m thinking it might be time to stick a costume on him and take him out again

Fuck it, I could do with a laugh

Hopefully pics (from tonight) won’t suck hairy goat balls

Maybe someone else should be photog?

I’ll be pretty busy balancing the candy cart that will be half empty by the time we get home my drink

And the 130 pound dog

Now I just need to get him a costume

Any suggestions?

I made it!

After not bothering to go to bed after the Sunday night gig in Cairns

‘Cause really, if it’s 2am – and I’m leaving for the airport at 4am – any kind of nap I took would be more like a coma

Meaning I would sleep through the alarm clock, the taxi driver banging at my door – and most probably my flight

In my delirious state, I made it to the airport, checked in

And kept walking around in circles knowing that if I sat, I would be out cold

Which I was – as soon as my bum hit the seat on the plane

I woke up several hours later, when we touched down in Sydney

My eyes were almost glued shut with caca-poo-poo (our family’s dumb-arse name for the crap that miraculously accumulates in your eye bits while your sleeping)

I also had a lovely trail of dried dribble down the right side of my face. I was trying to indiscreetly wipe it off when the old dude next to me informed me that, “…well young lady, aren’t YOU quite the sleep talker”

The fuck? And no, I didn’t ask him what I was talking about. There’s some things you just don’t need to know

Had enough time at Sydney airport to grab some mags, snacks & an iPhone charger. My 3rd one for the trip. What? Like you’ve never lost 2 iPhone chargers in 3 weeks

Boarded the Sydney flight, next to smelly lady

I’m not even joking when I tell you that a busted arsehole would have smelt better

Putrid to the point of gagging. So fucking gross

But in a sign that maybe one of the Qantas crew might be my friend on Facebook – a boy so fab I would have given him a tonguey if he wasn’t as gay as my cousin’s husband who totally wears dresses and goes cruising but thinks we all don’t know about it

He came up to stale vagina lady and asked if she’d like a row to herself. I’m like, of course she does! Go…go….FUCKING GO! I tried to be as encouraging as possible, without actually pushing her out of her seat. As that would have required ‘touching’ her. Nothankyouverymuch

And go she did. Not only did that leave an empty seat next to me (that I had to use half a bottle of hand sanitizer and the last of my Narciso Rodriguez perfume on, to make it non vomitty) Stale vagina lady was now at the other end of the plane (where coincidentally a baby started, at that moment, crying it’s box off. And didn’t stop for hours. I think the little bugger was eventually overcome but the fumes and passed out)

Then we sat on that plane for nearly TWO HOURS. Which is complete bullshit. And not just because in that time, my laptop, iPad & iPhone went flat (because I didn’t have time to use my new charger yet, duh) AND i ran out of snacks. OK, so that’s PROBABLY why is was bullshit

We eventually took off – and I was out light a light almost immediately. Only to be woken up for dinner. Fuck. It was hard to be mad at gay Qantas boy though. ‘Cause in my effort to be super-efficient-world- traveler – I had preordered a special meal, knowing that they brought those out earlier than the other meals. It was part of my master plan to eat, use the toilet before any other passengers filled it with their after-meal stink bombs, and be sleeping like a bay-bay before the other suckers even got their meals

My plan had a slight flaw, as most of my plans do. Instead of ticking ‘vegetarian’ meal (which are pretty much the same as real people food, minus the steak, but INCLUDING the desert) I had ticked diabetic. This meant that gay Qantas boy was WORRIED about me, and made it his mission that I, IN NO FUCKING WAY, sleep through a meal – lest I seizure on his shift

It meant not much sleep – and chocolate all over my bum, cause I was trying to hide kitkat wrappers from him. I didn’t want him to think my ‘diabetes’ was self inflicted, you know?

Anyhoo – arrived in LA – 3 hours late. Missed my connection to Chicago. Lined up forever at immigration. Waited forever for my bags. Got in the wrong line to recheck my bags. And was pretty much a big ball of EVERY ONE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, by the time I got on my next flight

By the time I arrived at my house,  some 35+ hors after leaving Cairns, I was out of it. Dizzy, tired, and barely upright

Then I saw my babies, my Diamond, and my dog

There were flowers waiting for me. Perfume (’cause Diamond had obviously read my post about stale vagina lady and was worried there might have been some shit-smell-transference) And these…

(which I probably ordered for myself online last week, but whatevs….they were STILL waiting for me)

There were cuddles, bedtime stories (that Magoo read TO ME! She could only read a few words when I left *sob*)

So, no matter what the journey’s like

When your destination is home….it’s ALWAYS worth it.

(Except maybe for the jet lag part, which has you up at 1:15am writing stupid-long-blogs, ’cause it’s the quietest thing you can do at stupid o’clock)