building little people

Question for those of you that have kids (more than one)
Are your kids all COMPLETELY different from each other?

‘Cause the two I have, could NOT be more opposite in every way
From what they eat, what they wear, how they respond to different situations – e.g.;
child a) Mummy, sing the ABBA song louder, let’s dance! or child b) Ugh, I can’t believe you’re singing ABBA in public and OMG, are you dancing in the cereal aisle!?!?

Magoo is frighteningly open. Will tell you EVERYTHING about anything. She is a huge fan of too much information. Poo, boobs, horses, farts, puppies, what she had for breakfast. She’ll talk about all that and more within minutes of meeting you
And if it makes you uncomfortable, she’ll consider that a win
Her sister Macaroni, is as private as Magoo is ‘out there’

This week has been a huge lesson in that for us
Without going into details, ’cause she would KILL me….Macaroni has been unwell and home from school all week
She is so much better than she was, and will be 100% soon

Both girls know about this website
Not surprisingly, Magoo can’t WAIT to be old enough to read what I write here
Or even better? Come to one of my shows 
Macaroni isn’t too sure
She doesn’t like getting her photo taken and is not a fan of me talking about her here, which I try to respect

This past week, Macaroni was busy working on a project for her enrichment class at school
I know, enrichment? Like she needs any more of that in her life. Surely having Diamond and I as her parents, makes for a pretty fucking enriching existence….AMIRIGHT??

Her project was to build a castle
She went straight to Diamond to help her with it
Smart move
‘Cause it would have looked something like this, had I been involved
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Whatever….I happen to think this castle is a pretty speccy architectural achievement in cardboard
But, not up to Macaroni’s standards
So she went to her Dad
And together they’ve been working
Working
WORKING
On what THEY think a castle would look like

Imagine my surprise when she said to me, Mum, can you take a photo of my castle?
And THEN…..I think you should put this picture on your website
I really want everyone to see what Dad and I made

So, in the interest of doing what I’m told before she changes her mind
I give you, Macaroni & Diamond’s castle

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They built it together
Painted it together
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Put in the Kings, Queens and lots of other details IMG_2413
AND…they let me take photosIMG_2410
HUZZAH!

The finished product shows that she probably made the right call going to her Dad for help with it
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But man, if she ever has to make something out of wine bottles
Or write a poem about farting

I AM ON IT.

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mother’s day 2013

What…you guys are only just celebrating today?

Mum & I got our Mother’s Day on a couple of weeks ago

And my UK buds took care of business back in MARCH!

Nah, just fucking with ya

I realise that Mother’s Day is celebrated at different times all over the world. Which is perfect if you forgot to send your Mum a card this year. Just tell her you were waiting to celebrate Czechoslovakia’s Mother’s Day. (they have mothers there, yeah?)

If you’re like me, and don’t live anywhere near your Mum, we just mark the occasion on whatever day we are together

So while we were in Sydney, we decided our day off would be Mothers Day, and we’d catch the ferry into the city, have a long lunch
Then do some drunk shopping
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On the ferry ride there, Mum said, so this river we’re on the is Parramatta River, and the local football team is called the Parramatta Eels, so that’s because there’s actual EELS in this water?
Yep.
Wow, that’s pretty cool.
Not as cool as the rivers in Newcastle. THEIR footy team is the Newcastle Knights.
Knights? So there’s actual Knights in that area?
Yep, with horses and swords and all that stuff
Wow. How cool would it be to see that?

Oh, Betty.

She’s so gullible sometimes, I almost don’t have the heart to tell her I was fucking with her. Again.

Maybe that can be my Mother’s Day present to her…

Next year.

I’m so lucky to have a Mum that I love spending time with, and who never fails to make me laugh. Even if she doesn’t know why.
I’m pretty sure she inherited that trait from her Mum, my Nanna
She’s the other unintentionally hilarious woman in the family
I’m so proud to be related to both of them

Whether your Mum is here on earth
Or one of the brightest stars in the sky
Wishing you all, a day full of belly laughs and big smiles
Happy Mothers Day

conversations at the racetrack

Diamond got the chance to drive a race car
Being a boy ‘n all that
He was MOST excited to get the chance to drive said race car
Sometimes Santa DOES pick the winner gift
Youcanthankmelater
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Macaroni would have loved to have a turn too
over my limp lifeless dead body
Magoo wasn’t so sure

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What if he crashes?

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He drove like a mofo for 28 laps – he got up to 160 miles/ 257 km per hour
He was supposed to do just 18 laps, but their car dash camera didn’t work, and he didn’t want a t-shirt of the experience, he wanted the video.
So they GAVE him another 10 laps, and re-recorded that.
We have now watched that video forty-hundred times. Yeh.

The whole time he was whizzing around the track, Magoo kept saying, I don’t want to be an orphan. Orphan’s have to share a room with hundreds of other orphans and wear really ugly dresses
??
I’m like, you can only be an orphan if BOTH your parents are deadIMG_2146

Oh…
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And she’s like, well I still hope he doesn’t crash
I don’t want to be a black widow either

What the…??