We’re trying to cram in as much fun stuff as we can before then

I told them today was their choice

Whatever they wanted to do

They chose rock climbing

The fuck?

It’s like I’m the ONLY person in this family that loves the shit out of knows how to shop and take naps

And yes it was

Surrounded by mountains in every direction

We decided to enjoy the view from the comfort of a paddle boat

Disguised as a pink gorilla

That’s how the classy tourists roll

We kept out distance from the others

Only because the one time we ventured close to their game or water-rugby-played-on-floating-pontoons

We got splashed big time and ended up with wet bums

Boys are such arseholes so silly sometimes

Then we felt a bit sorry for Dad

He had been in the toilet for over an hour and missed out on coming out on our ride

So we paddled back to him and offered him a ride in our homosexual Magilla Gorilla

He declined, homophobe

And opted for a phallic symbol canoe instead

There a fewer things that look more wrong than Dad, in a canoe, on a lake in Japan, rowing himself around in circles

But even more entertaining?

His dismount

Which started with a bit or reverse parking

And backseat driving from Mum

I could’ve helped them

But wanted to make sure I had the camera ready to go in case either one of them landed in the drink

Which is exactly what they’d do to me were the situation reversed

All together now….We. Are. fucked in the head Family.

Poor little pet had quite the sweat going on once he got to dry land

But wait, there’s more….but not yet ’cause I need to restring my guitars. Or find someone I can pay to do it for me.

I’ve been waking up to this

Heiny and the kids having a tai-chi slash yoga slash hippy session in the lounge room

Today Mum joined in too

I just stepped over them and headed to the kitchen for my crumpets & honey

I mean, whatever floats your boat and all that

Just not my cup of tea

Except for the part where Magoo kept kept farting every time she lifted her leg

Bomber, make your eyes water, WTF has that kid been eating, style of bum burps

That, I can do

We went last time they were in Sydney two years ago

And they still talk about it all the time

It’s been  one of the things they’ve been looking forward to the most about this trip

Macaroni was straight on her horse Brandy

So at ease

Then Magoo got on

And like last time

She shat herself

Possibly even worse than last time

She was trembling

I’m talking TER-I-FIED

Mum & Dad had to hold her for the first 5 minutes

She was shaking with fear

Mum was promising her all sorts of treats to just stay on

Dad was trying to explain getting out of her “comfort zone”

Obviously, Mum was making more sense

And she stayed on the horse

They had a brief little training session in the arena

Where Macaroni started riding without holding the reins and steering her horse with her legs

She was in heaven

With THE biggest grin on her face the whole time

Then Magoo started to relax

It was easy to tell when she got comfortable

She started talking about farting and pulling on her horses ears

The very cool, and unbelievably patient girls that were working with the kids

Decided that the girls were ready to head over to the big park

Where Macaroni was so impressed that all the cars had to stop for them

And just to make Magoo 100% comfortable

She saw this lady trot past and said,

Oh my goodness Mummy – that lady is like, ONE HUNDRED and she is riding her horse and not even having a HEART ATTACK or dying or ANYTHING. I’m only 5 Mummy, so I can TOTALLY do this

She yelled that out so loud that the old lady, and her horse

Turned around so quickly they both nearly broke their necks

That’s my girl

It was such a great way to spend our morning

Despite the fact that it was a lot like exercise trying to keep up with them

Nanna & Poppy didn’t let them out of their sight

While I may have copped a squat on a park bench and called Diamond for a chat

Anyhoo – they both did a great job

For a couple of city kids

Dad was quick to tell them just how proud he was of them

Particularly Magoo

For stepping out of her comfort zone

And she was all,

I know Poppy. I stepped on the horse and didn’t hurt my comfort bone

So cough up the treats already, dude.

Her coach couldn’t make it and had asked Diamond in advance if he could fill in for him

It’s pretty simple stuff

The kids are all young

And the coaches direct them when to dribble

Who to pass to

Where to stand

There’s no rough stuff

All very controlled and cute

With the emphasis on it being fun for the kids

There’s not a lot of skill involved

On the other team tonight was a ‘rambunctious’ little boy

And by rambunctious, I mean little shithead

He was running into all the kids

On BOTH teams

Snatching the ball out of everyone’s hands

Hitting

Generally setting an AWESOME example

For birth control

I was getting mightily pissed on the sidelines

After watching one kid after another get punched and pushed over

Now anyone that knows Diamond, knows he’s a hot head

And part Italian

Put those two together, and you understand why he’s not the regular coach

He’s knows himself too well – so he stays on the sidelines normally

With me

We always joke that if the girls want to play competitive sports when they’re older

Daddy will have to wait in the car

So imagine my surprise when Diamond didn’t say anything when the feral from the other team was going on his rampage

For 20 minutes he just bit his lip

And ignored it

Then when I thought that I would be the one to lose it

Diamond walked over to the little boy

And said quietly,

Buddy, just take it easy. We’re all hear to have fun – so you have to be a bit gentle with the other kids, OK?

The little kid nodded

Then proceeded to run over to his mother & grandmother – or maybe it was her sister

It was hard to tell when she obviously uses a cheese grater to exfoliate her face

And told them that the bad man had told him to stop playing so rough

And the Mum & Scarface the Grandmother told him to ignore the stupid man, and get out there and keep playing

Then they sat there and said what an arsehole the man, my HUSBAND, was

And that he should keep his mouth shut. Their boy watches the NBA and the Chicago Bulls play, and is only playing rough like the big boys do

And who does the stupid man think he is anyway?

That was about the time that I leaned over to them and said,

He’s the coach

And he’s my husband

Which is when they started talking in Polish

Which I don’t speak

But I’m pretty sure the look on someone’s face is universal when they call you a cunt

You were all very helpful

And were quick to let me know that the word was ‘CIPA’

Which is totally what Grandma called me

Which is why I told old hail-damage face to ‘go fuck herself’

Under my breath of course

My breath just happens to be pretty loud

I was quick to look around to see if anyone heard me

I tunred to the lady sitting behind me, to see if she had

She gave me two thumbs up

So yeah, she heard me

And yeah, she’s my new favourite

I was at my daughter’s basketball game, remember?

Which was being played at a church

So I was controlling myself

Too bad ol’ cottage-cheese-cheeks couldn’t do the same

She kept ranting and waving her arms around, gibbering

I think she was secretly totally jealous of my awesome Aussie wrinkly, pale skin & freckles

I was waiting for lightening to strike from above and kill the bitch

See, God?

It’s NOT always my fault, DUDE

She wanted to play volleyball, but she’s too young

So in the mean time she’s giving basketball a shot

She’s totally tall enough

Not sure how that happened

The games are fairly low on skill

But bursting with “I GOT ITs and MINEs!!”

The entertainment factor for a a parent on the sidelines is first class

Not that I’ve actually heard anyone else laughing

It’s hard to hear over my own guffawing and snorting

Then Thursdays both girls have a PE class

This week was baseball

Macaroni hit 3 home runs

Magoo, as usual, did her own thing

Which was basically a game of ‘statues’ on first base

While the ball (and her sister) whizzed past her

She was really good too

Barely moved a muscle

Except to pick her nose

Which she is the national-under-6 champion at

Then Saturdays is Magoo’s soccer game

She actually kicked the ball this week

Unlike last week

Where she avoided it at all costs

And went MIA from the field 3 times

We eventually found her

Ransacking a vending machine, in the toilet and in the backseat of our car, respectively

So yeah, it would appear that she’s inheriting my NON love for all things excercise-ical

I only got her to the game in the first place by promising she could come to the hairdressers with me afterwards

Where she danced and wiggled about more than at any sport she played in the last 12 months

Better than any money spent on the girls sports and activities

Is their new trampoline

They’d bounce on it forever if I let them

They like to have their lunch on it

They stay outside playing on it for hours at a time

And not just because it’s surrounded by a net

That I can zip  up, locking them in

OK, mainly because of that.

She loves it

Almost as much as she loves Fluffy

But not quite

I don’t think she loves ANYTHING as much as she loves that dog

But the car comes a pretty close second

We decided to get her one with real wheels, instead of plastic

As she tends go ‘off road’ in her vehicles

We have a trashed big wheel & a mangled scooter to prove it

Diamond & I are hoping this one lasts at least until her next birthday

Or until she gets sick of it

Which might be sooner than later

We did one lap around the block

And not even halfway through it

She was all, Mama, this is hard

Can you push me?

I’m like, no dude

Those pedals are there for a reason

You need to PEDAL them

She gave me one of her looks and said, I’m totally getting Daddy to put a motor on this when we get home

I told her she couldn’t have a motor

She wanted to know why

I wanted to say, ‘Cause if you kill yourself, Daddy will be mad at me

But I didn’t want to frighten her, so I lied

All the motors in the world are broken

So you can only use pedals

All the motors? she asked

On everything in the word?

Yep

Even the motor than runs the fridge Mama?

Sheesh kid

All the motors is the world, EXCEPT for the motor on the fridge

So don’t panic, I told her

You may have to pedal

But you still have food

I don’t care she said

I will get Fluffy to pull me in my car

And I will eat HIS food

And she did

And I tried to rename it

But nothing worked quite as well as fuck this shit

So fuck this shit it is

I don’t like to whinge

Lie

Yes I do

And I’m pretty good at it too

But losing weight sucks arse

Big time

And it’s my own fault

If I could just be more consistent with the whole, ‘sensible eating’ rah rah bullshit that all the skinny bitches from TV are always preaching

I wouldn’t keep stacking on the weight in spades

And having so much fucking work to do to get it off again

And there are no excuses

But between having babies, miscarriages & a love for anything chocolate covered

My size in clothes is starting to look like a phone number

And I’m done

And I’ve said I’m done before

But this time I mean it

Just like I meant it last time

And the time before that

But come on guys, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day (but if they made it out of french fries I could’ve demolished that fucking town in HALF that time)

And it’s not just because we’re filming for a live DVD in South Africa in 2 months

OK, yes it is

I just don’t like exercising, any kind

But I do love food, every kind

Perfect recipe for a lifetime of freaking out every time I hit the scales

But I want to be healthy too

I don’t want to be the fat Mum

I want to point & make jokes about the fat Mum

Which is very hard to do when I AM the fat Mum

So far on this tour I have worked out every day, except one

But there was one day I worked out twice, so that totally means I’ve done it every day huzzaaaah!

And I just fucking hate it

Exercising is dangerous you guys

I have a workout video

A bootcamp DVD where this huge black man yells at me through the TV and counts to 8 over and over and over

And I have to kick my legs and jump and drop to the floor and jump up again and kick

It makes me SWEATY

Like, YUK!

And it makes be break shit too

So far this tour, I’ve kicked over 2 coffee tables, ripped a set of curtains and knocked the legs off a king size bed

And the noises I’m making are not pretty

But it must sound like I’m having some kind of kinky-orgy-masturbating-festival in my room

Judging by the hi-5 & the wink the guy in the next room gave me when he saw me checking out this morning

Exercising just makes me want to stab someone

I hate dieting, so I thought it would be quicker to just stop eating altogether

So I did

And after 45 minutes I got dizzy and had to be brought back around by the contents of the mini bar

It was a close call

Like today, I’m on the treadmill

Why can’t all those fucking machines be the same?

I like it whent you can just keep pressing the UP arrow, to work out the speed you want to go

But this one didn’t have it, so I had to just pick a number

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t press 16 instead of 6 and I flew off that mother fucker like a ninja turtle having a seizure

But I got back on

And then my iPod, which was on shuffle, started playing the theme to Ghostbusters and I was all like, how the FUCK did THAT song get on there, but then my mind wondered and I started singing along, doing a little bit of a dance….who ya gonna call??

And fell off the fucking treadmill again

AAAAANNNND I don’t have a holder for my iPod, so I just stick it down the front of my sports bra but the jolt of the second fall made it fly out and hit me in the fucking nose

So now I’m limping around like an has-been boxer with a fat schnozz

But hey, my cholesterol is down

Woop-dee-fucking-doo

I just want to get to the point that I can watch myself on DVD without running from the room screaming

So if you see me with a chocolate in my mouth, please take it from me

I will probably try and hurt you

But you should still take it from me

If you see me with a glass of wine

Step the fuck back bitches – I’m not giving up everything

I even have an app for my iPhone called ‘LOSE IT’

Where I enter in all the food I eat each day and it tells me I’m still a fat ho and laughs in my face how many calories I’ve eaten

I’ve been sticking to it so far

I even went as far as NOT eating an apple yesterday because it would have meant I wouldn’t have enough calories left to have a wine after the show

Apple or wine?

Like anyone would pick a fucking apple

I was really tempted to take a BEFORE pic in my underwear and post it on here

NOT

People who do that are b-r-a-v-e, BRAVE

Me – no fucking way dude

Exhibit A

What I wanted for dinner was this

And these

Followed by this

And what I HAD for dinner is this wank lettuce crap

Again I say, fuck this shit

.

It’s probably kinda stupid even writing about it all

‘Cause I see a lot of you guys who read this

Like, all the time

And next time I do

And I look even bigger ’cause I gave up on this shit and just ordered room service no different

You’re going to feel all uncomfortable about what to say

You know what?

Just do us all a favour and tell me I look like I’ve lost weight

Even if I haven’t

It’ll be better for the friendship

Especially if you’ve gained a few yourself

That would make me happy

A good friend?

Not really

But happy?

Fuckin’ oath

But I’m fucked buggered if I can remember if I posted it or not

Forgive my fucktard-i-ness if I have

That’s another area where I take after my Dad

Since I can remember, she’s played everything

Hockey

Softball

Tennis

Swimming

Golf

She’s just got to be moving at all times

Where as Dad & I are really good at staying still

Comatosed even

When she sits down at the end of the day

She usually falls asleep within minutes ’cause she’s gotta be fucking knackered

With all of this craziness sport comes the inevitable injuries

She’s broken her wrist, her fingers

Been stitched up from arsehole to breakfast from head to toe over the years

This is where I think the whole, ‘exercise is good for you’ becomes bullshit

‘Cause if it’s so good for you, it shouldn’t hurt, right?

But all of that doesn’t seem to bother Mum

So, it was no big surprise when I got a call from Mum last week

Telling me that she was on crutches

She’d been playing softball and was sliding into home base

And when she got up, she’d split her leg open

And I’m like, dude – aren’t you playing like old people veteran’s softball?

Maybe you guys should be wheeling each other into home base

Not sliding into it

Like kamikaze ninjas on crack

And she’s all, oh fuck off don’t worry, I’m fine

I’ll have the leg brace off in time to play in the finals next week

.

And that right there is where I have learnt my theory on parenting

.

If you can’t be a good example

Be a horrible warning