Cause it’s Macaroni’s turn to have the gastro bug that hit Macaroni & me last week

She’s been a trooper about it though

And by trooper, I mean WAY better at puking than Magoo. Like, no mess anywhere. Nada. Awesomesauce

Which is WAY better than puke-sauce. In pink shag pile carpet. I’m talking to YOU Magoo

Macaroni even survived me not letting her go to school

Yay for iPads, DSs, fishtanks & Kindles

And jigsaw puzzles, that I offered to sit down and help her with but, “…Mum, it’s really a lot easier and faster if you don’t help”

Oh, and yay for me. Who went out in the sub-freezing temps and snow, to meet Macaroni’s teacher and pick up today’s school work for her.

Because I offered to get her anything she wanted today. Chicken soup maybe?

Nope, she chose math & literature

So even without going to school, she sat and did hours of school work

By choice

Not sure where she gets the ‘learn-y’ gene from. But boy, does she have it bad

With me being Captain Pukey McShitmapants last Tuesday, Magoo on Friday and Macaroni starting last night

My calculations tell me that Diamond will be having the *MAN version of said ‘bug’ later this week

Guess I better notify the hospital

*pussy

My family, their happiness, our home

Knowing I get to see my Nanna & Pop in 12 more sleeps

My not-yet saggy boobs

What are YOU thankful for right now?

Or don’t

I just wanted sufficient documentation

Proof, if you like

That the Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gilliard, is a hussy

You see, U.S. President, Barack Obama, just did a whirlwind visit to Oz

And in that time

Our chief Fanta Pants, could not stay away from the poor dude

Like, followed his arse EVA-REE-WHERE

Giving him her best “yes big boy….the curtains DO match the carpet…let me show you” look

Trying to stick her tongue in his ear at every opportunity

I mean, the dude’s married to one of the hottest black women on the planet

With a set of biceps that would mangle old mango mutt up in a minute

No ranga, not even a powerful stupid one could stand a chance

I mean, Bazza’s kinda handsome and all

But geez Jules, you’ve got a hairdresser who the whole world knows is a raging poof fella of your own at home

You can’t have everything you want you know

You already fucked one powerful man

I think that might be enough now

Not that you’re going to listen to a voice of reason

Apparently once you’ve dreamed of having had Barack…you can’t go back

Slut.

How many of you would use this?

I mean if it was in a gay bar there’d be a line to use it

With a big jar of vaseline so no one gets hurt

I don’t reckon I could

Seriously, it’s too lifelike for me

There’s even hair on it

Or maybe I’ve been looking at it too closely *ahem*

Yeah…nah

I’d have to go without

Faced with this

I’d rather drip dry

*thanks Brett*

The crew were having trouble with the lights

Without them touching anything, lights were going on, off

And dimming by themselves

As it was an old theatre we were playing in

Everyone starts the whole, ‘there must be ghosts in the building’ thing

Me, I think that’s bullshit

The theatre is old, and I’m sure the house lighting system is just as old

So I go on stage for my set

All is good

We’ve never played there before

And the full house we got tonight made us feel crazy welcome

In between 2 of my songs, the lights went out

Then they came back on again

The switches for the lights going on and off, were next to the stage

And there was no one standing there at the time

The audience did a big old, “ooooooh”

I’m like, don’t tell me you all think there’s a ghost in here?

The affirmative answer I got back, says that they did

I had a little chuckle to myself

And started on the next song

When my pants came undone

And not just undone

The zipper at the front s-l-o-w-l-y came down

I’m not even joking

It felt like it was being undone BY someone

But wait, there’s more!

The my belt, that’s around the outside of my blouse

Started sliding down my waist and past my bum

Oh yes it did

I was laughing so hard I could barely keep it together

I did my pants back up

Yanked my belt up

Started singing

AND THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN!

I fucking know, you guys!

I came offstage after my last song, just shaking my head

I said to Dad, “Did you SEE that?”

If there’s a ghost out there, he’s a total hornbag, and just tried to undress me in front of 600 people, for fuck’s sake

Dad said, “well some ghosts are like that”

“What…you’re trying to tell me you’ve had experience with ghosts before?”

“A long time ago yeah….back when I was a teenager”

“And it was a SEXUAL experience?”

He was almost blushing now, “yeah”

“No way Dad! I can’t believe that YOU, of all people, even BELIEVE in ghosts. And now you’re trying to tell me you had seksy time with one??”

“Ghost?

Oh, no sorry…… I thought you said goat”

PS – The lights played up in Dad’s set too – he dropped a plectrum, he broke a string – so he used my guitar while his was being restrung….and he DROPPED that too. The fuck Dad?

PPS – no ghosts tonight in New Plymouth, pants stayed on…all is good. Except for the big DENT in the top of my guitar….DAD!!

Check it out

And you’ll truly know why the term ‘WTF’ was invented

I think my judgmental bone is attached to my vomit bone

‘Cause I feel seriously grossed out after seeing this

In fairness, he’s not hurting anyone

And he’s the first to recognise that what he’s doing isn’t the ‘norm’

But, wow dude

Just, wow.

You know,

Right BACK at ya!

BACK in the saddle

BACK that thang up

Put your BACK into it

PayBACKs are a bitch

I’ve got your BACK

There never seems to be any about the FRONT

I might make one up

Like holy-fucking-FRONTAGE-batman!

*Diamond was looking over my shoulder and saw the first pic and got all excited with his bad-self, until he saw the 2nd pic and ran away screaming and scratching at his eyes. So awesome.

Over the new TSA regulations

The TSA being the Transportation Security Administration in the USA

You know, the security peeps at the airport with the wands & the (usually) grumpy faces?

Their new regulations are introducing the use of more thorough pat downs in the screening process of passengers

As someone who flies a lot

I go through airport security checks several times a month

All year ’round

Look, I don’t know anyone that loves it

But it’s just part of the deal if you want to travel in this day and age

And up until now, I’ve never really had a problem with it

I even went through one of the body scanners for the first time at San Francisco airport last month

It wasn’t a drama at all

I walked in, stopped for 3 seconds

And walked out the other side

The TSA officer on the other side got the all clear on her radio

Obviously from whoever is off a the room somewhere looking over the scans

I think he radioed in something like, “…..the hotty midget with the massive ta-tas is clear!”

But from what I understand, the TSA’s new regulations will allow their security officers to REALLY pat you down

If there is no body scanners (which don’t show if there’s any weapons etc up your woo hoo anyway)

Or if you refuse to go through a body scanner

Like, up your skirt if you’re wearing one

Feeling over your breasts

And grabbing men’s lunch box packages

All in the name of being more thorough

There’s even footage doing the rounds of a 3 year old getting a pat down that has people up in arms

I watched it – and it doesn’t seem over-the-top at all

(others may see it differently)

I’ve traveled with both my girls since they were babies

And they’ve been taken out of their strollers

Been woken up so they can walk through the metal detectors

Had the wand waved over them

And yeah, even been patted down

The truth?

They loved it

Thought it was all a part of the big traveling adventure

The only time it really pissed me off was when a fucktard in a TSA uniform asked me to demonstrate that the machine with the big battery & tubes coming from it

That was in my backpack

Was in fact a breast pump, not a bomb

I think that Diamond threatening to “…sue his mother fucking ignorant arse for sexual harassment and being a cunt….”

Got us out of that one

But I think if you do anything often enough, like go through airport security

You’re bound to come across the odd wank-stain every now and then

But in light of these new, more aggressive pat down methods

I think I’d have to ask the question before I’d let you pat down one of my daughters again

“Will you be touching their genitals?

‘Cause that is NOT going to happen”

You’d best be finding another way to search my kid

Or we’ll be walking to Australia

And while we’re at it – when was the last time a 5 year old American/Australian citizen tried to blow up an aircraft?

I know, that opens up a whole shit storm of racial profiling

But fuck, common sense would say that works doesn’t it?

There are exceptions to every stereotype

There ARE blonde, blue eyed terrorist wannabes out there

But I’d hazzard a guess that more than 90% are not

So why not make educated decisions when screening passengers?

Not just 1 out of every four

How about leaving anyone under 10 the fuck alone?

And the Grannies

‘Cause that demographic don’t have a large presence with al-Qaida, me thinks

So does my opinion make me racist?

Please

Common sense is drowning under the weight of political correctness

And if my opinion is not PC?

Then I’m xenophobic

A bigot even

I read about two women refusing to have a body scan due to their religious beliefs

They chose not to fly, rather than go through the screening process

That’s their choice

If I chose to travel while wearing any sort of baggy clothing, whether for religious or comfort reasons

That could easily conceal weapons, explosives etc

I would expect to be rigorously and thoroughly patted down, scanned and screened

I wouldn’t consider myself being discriminated against

It’s just common fucking sense, isn’t it?

I really don’t give a fuck what the PC brigade thinks

I don’t value their opinion any more than they value mine

At the end of the day, airport security is there to keep us travelers SAFE

Why not prescreen people?

Have the chip in their passport give a detailed background of each passenger

If you have nothing to hide, I don’t see how it’s a problem

I wouldn’t care – the government knows everything about me anyway

Your background check etc would give you a resulting score out of, say 10

10 being the person you do NOT want on your flight

Lock that fucker up

I’d like to think that I’d be a 1

There’s not too many Australian married mums of two, who say fuck for a living, signing up to be suicide bombers these days

At a stretch, my threat level might be a 2

But that’s more about what plane food does to my farting frequencies

Than my affiliation with terrorists

I agree that yeah, sometimes it’s inconvenient to go through airport screenings

Do we need them to be more thorough?

In my opinion, no

I think we need to be smarter about who we screen

But if I have to go through the more rigorous process, then so be it

I have no problem with a security officer just doing their job

Go ahead and fossil for firecrackers up my vajay-jay

And check my boobs for bombs

Can I get dinner & flowers first?

OK, so experiencing any food, anywhere is completely fine with me

Especially food I didn’t have to cook

I’ll try whatever’s going

Except monkey glands

You hear that South Africa?

While I love your people, culture and amazeballs wild life parks

I refuse to chew on a chimps scrotum

What about that sounds enticing to you?

‘Cause to me, it paints a picture of some whackjob in a chef’s hat – a hundred screaming primates – and a pair of hedge trimmers

Ouch

And yuk

Our waiter at one restaurant ASSURED me that it didn’t ‘really’ mean there were ‘actual’ monkey glands in the food

It’s just what the food was called

Wah?

That’s like serving up chocolate fudge slice

And calling it POO CAKE

Why would you do that?

You should try and ‘woo’ the tourists with your local cuisine

Disguise the grody shit you’re trying to serve up

Monkey gland soup?

Why not just call it, Mendella Meat Ball Soup?

I would totally try that

Cause I’m into soup and politics

Yeah, you really need to work on your menu descriptions

Some of us (ie; me) foreigners are a bit squeamish about the weird stuff

I don’t need to know ALL the deets about what I am about to partake in

‘Cause really, the idea of monkey gland soup makes me gag like a teenager giving her first blow job

Speaking of headjobs

I have a hot date tonight, with my husband Diamond, at a cool new restaurant by our house

Apparently they have fresh Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu

Which is another yummy sounding dish I’ve never tried

Diamond says that they’re really bull testicles

I told him to shut the fuck up

It’ll never happen

And not because I’m too old or dumb don’t have the education

Just ’cause I’m so busy, you know?

Jobs like, trophy chick at the oscars – ’cause you’d meet cool people and show of your rockin’ bod in a flash dress

Crocodile hunter – ’cause I look cute in khaki and can say fuck shit mother fucker CRIKEY really well

Helicopter pilot – so when I went to visit people, I’d just land on their roof. Bugger the driveway

Starbucks person – doesn’t really matter which person, as long as I get a starbucks tshirt, hat & free coffee

Minister for Immigration – ’cause I’m pretty sure the dickwad doing the job now doesn’t speak for me and is an academic arsewipe

Author – I’d write children’s books, and illustrate them  myself too, cause I am the shit at drawing stick figures

The person who keeps Beyonce’s boobs from falling out – ’cause that is an artform. I watch that girl get all up in her bootilicious-ness and can’t believe that it’s just double sided tape telling her funbags to stay put

And there’s a lot of other jobs I’d like to try too

But the one I could never do?

.

A veterinarian

Who has to deal with 124 pound fur balls

With ear infections

And they have to stick stuff in the dog’s ear

To get this cack out

With NO GLOVES ON

And then when the dog tries to bite her – ’cause she’s got half her arm buried in the side of his head

She’s all, ooooh sweety, don’t be scared

And I’m thinking, scared? Lady, he’s about to bite your face off. You’re hurting him

But she keeps plodding away

Getting all the gunk out

Then she gives him some medicine – and some for me to take home for him

Gives us some instructions

And sends us on our way

But not before trying to shake my hand

EEEWWW!

So I’ve taken my hat off to a few people this week

Jessica Watson

And parents of sick kids

And now crazy people who do shit to my dog that I would NEVER do vets

I think I’ll stick to what I know

Which is drinkin’ bitchin’ and singin’!