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classy crackers

I’m totally cheating with Christmas crafts this year
Some people bake. I’m lucky  enough to have some mates that do, then drive around delivering the cookies they made, to non-bakers like me.
Then I do my bit by eating them
It’s a team effort.
I do like crafts though
The girls and I try a different one every year
This year I cheated like a mofo and grabbed some ‘pre-made’ craft kits
And by pre-made, I mean it’s the slacker’s way to be Martha Stewart.
I must have fore-seen my pre-Christmas disorganisation when I bought them

Whatevs
It’s still fun to do
These ones didn’t turn out too realistic though

Um. hello? I have my legs crossed

We have crackers on our table every year for Christmas.
This year, I grabbed these great ‘make your own’ kits from Marks & Spencer when I was in the UK
You add your own gifts to each one
Then label it to who you think should have that particular gift
Awesome, no?

Bet my mother-in-law LURVES her new teeth.

’tis the season for giving….so here’s what I want

Have you guys done your Christmas shopping yet?
Have you even started?
I was all organised with my bad self this year and started crazy early
Then I must have been all, well I have my shit in a BIG way, soooo together so I’ll just chill
I chilled so much that November went and fucked off and now it’s 5 more sleeps until Christmas
Shit.
Yep, time to get crack-a-lackin’
And pay a squillion for last minute shipping
Dork.

While finishing up my shopping for fam & friends today
I may have got sidetracked on Amazon.com and worked on MY Christmas list
And just in case Diamond doesn’t read this post, that I’m totally printing out and sticking to the fridge – I went ahead and ordered all this stuff
Just in case
How UNselfish of me is THAT?
Such a shit giver, me
So, in no particular order, even though the pictures are NUMBERED, so technically, yeah, there IS an order…..here’s my list!

Let’s start with this. I have wanted one of these hideous jumpers since I first saw a mate wearing it on Facebook last year. I must have whined enough, because that mate, and his wife, bought me my very own Santa Jumper, and gave it to me while I was on tour in the UK.
It’s given me so much joy. I’ve worn it to 3 Christmas parties and despite her protests (“you wouldn’t dare wear that to my school would you Mum?) I’ll be wearing git to Macaroni’s class party today. It is by definition, the gift that keeps right on giving my daughter embarrassment 
Thanks Brett & Deb!

Being a big fan of ‘too much is never enough’, I could do with some more SPANX
If you don’t know what Spanx is, and you have a penis, you are excused. If however you have a vajay-jay and STILL don’t know what Spanx is – I’m thinking you’ve never used them because you’re thin and don’t need to.
So that’s YOU off the Christmas list biatch!

To combat the inevitable, “Mum, I’m BORED” that is coming our way during the school break – I think it’s time to stock up on some boardgames. We have a ton. But as the kids get older, they’re able to move up a level as far as what games they can play.
They’re done with Candyland and Hungry Hippos, and aren’t quite ready for the Kevin Bloody Wilson Pub Krawl Board Game
Any suggestions?

Workout pants? Me?
What the wuh?
If you read THIS post, you’ll know I’m due for an upgrade in the pants department
I’m going to need them to be Henry proof, and I’d also like them to make my arse look like the chick’s in the photo without me having to get all sweaty and excercisey
Please and thank you.

I spent a lot of years resisting the Pandora urge. I thought they were a rip off, and couldn’t work out why all these women would want to wear the same bracelets as each other.
That was until about 4 Mother’s Days ago – when Macaroni & Magoo gave ME a Pandora, with two charms on it that I would never have picked for myself that they chose, and I instantly fell in love with, because of course mine was TOTALLY not the same as anyone else’s *ahem*
As with most things I like, I wanted more (hello chocolate and red wine)
Did you know they have Christmas Pandoras?
Well I didn’t.
But now I do.
*sigh*

The kids have asked for new bikes this year, and to prove that motherhood hasn’t matured me one iota, my first response was, “me too!”
In order for me to not be belting out THIS song on the 25th, it’s already been delivered and I’ve hidden it from myself in the garage.
Now I just need to find a helmet that fits my XXL noggin.

No, your eyes are not fucking with you, it’s a picture of a crock pot. But wait, no seriously you guys…WAIT! I live in Chicago, it’s getting colder than a witch’s woohoo over here. I’m a less than stellar cook, who LOVES to eat. Especially when it’s cold. I’m also lazy. Crock pots are MADE for lazy chubby girls who are cold and hungry. You see where this is going right? Anyhoo… I have no idea which brand of these is better. I only know that the crock pot I have now is blue, and broken, and the one in this picture is all shiny and has buttons!
Yes please!

I haven’t bought a new pair of black boots in like at least a month forever, so I thought it was time
Plus, my brother was looking for something to get me this Christmas. So Trav, HERE YOU GO! I even ordered them gift wrapped with a card that I wrote is signed from you telling me how I’m the best sister ever, EVAH! You have such a way with words. Cool, huh?
Yes, you are welcome 

I have stuff. I have a lot of stuff. My kids have a lot LOT of stuff. Many kids don’t.
When I was ordering more pencils/crayons for the umpteenth time this school year (I swear they eat them) I thought about the kids that don’t even get ONE lot of school supplies at the beginning of the year. There’s a bazillion places online you can go to help kids like this. After a few minutes of looking around, I ended up on a website for children affected by Hurricane Sandy. (THIS ONE) I ordered some stuff. I’m not saying you should, or that if you did, this is where you should do it. I just know if you DO do something, someone, somewhere will probably smile…because of you. Doesn’t get much more Chirstmassy than that does it?

I don’t watch TV. I watch TV shows, but never at home. I’m away a lot, and never in one spot regularly enough to watch something every ‘Friday’ or ‘Sunday’. So, (thanks to your recommendations after I asked you guys on Facebook what was good to watch) I have become obsessed with some new shows. I’m up-to-date on Downton Abbey, Sons Of Anarchy and Breaking Bad. Now I just need to get up on it with the new season of Homeland. How fucking great is this show? Love. It.
And because this isn’t available on iTunes, or Netflix or Amazon instant view (It’s like you don’t WANT me to watch this HBO!?!) I have to get it the old fashioned way by homing pigeon on DVD
And while it’s number 10 on my list, it really should be number one.
If I was to only get ONE thing this year, this would be it

Not that I’m saying I only want one thing. That would jsut be silly
Plus,I’ve already BOUGHT it all.
I am such a selfish shopper helpful girl, aren’t I?

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE.
Luv ya guts
x

PS – for those of you concerned about the lack of alcohol-related gifts on my list, my husband bought me TWO CASES of Yellow Tail merlot yesterday, on HIS birthday.
Smart man, that.