Dear Jenny

My husband and I have five daughters. He wants to keep trying for a boy. I don’t. Five kids is exhausting, and my husband works long hours (to pay for 5 children) It’s so demanding and full on in this house 24/7 I don’t even think we could find the time to ‘make’ another baby. Plus there’s no guarantee that it would even be a boy. How do I tell my husband I can’t do it? Thanks Jenny

Yvonne.

Dear Yvonne

You have 5 kids you say?

And your husband wants more?

Here’s what you say to him…

“You and your sperm need to leave me the FUCK alone buddy”

Tell him to squirt his swimmers somewhere else for a change

Like in a tissue

Or maybe a hooker?

It’s very effective to make this stance while holding a sharp knife or scissors

Good Lord woman, how do you handle 5 kids?

I have 2 and I’m a disorganised mess half the time

The other half I’m drunk, and don’t notice the mess

How do you even give BIRTH to five kids?

In fairness, I reckon after the 3rd, they probably starting walking out, yeah?

Anyhoo… you make it crystal clear to that baby making machine that you’re married to, that 5 kids is E-NOUGH!

Why does he want a boy so badly?

Girls can do all the stuff boys can these days

Football, cricket, rugby – all the ‘guy’ stuff

So what if he has to sit down to piss in his own house?

Besides, with 5 girls

The odds are good you’ve got at least one lesbian in the bunch

Dear Jenny

I babysit a lot for my next door neighbour’s 4 year old boy. He is horrible. I know that’s not nice to call someone’s kid, but really he is. He kicks me, pulls my hair. Last weekend he stole my handbag, and lied about it. I found their poor dog hiding in the laundry room with one of my tampons stuck in it’s bum. This kid is a nightmare. I want to stop watching him, but I really need the money. To make matters worse, his parents think he’s an angel. How do I control him? Help! Jasmin

Hi Jasmin

Well, didn’t you hit the jackpot of babysitting bullshit?

I’m glad you wrote to me , because really, where else WOULD you go for child rangling tips?

Good choice!

I’ve done a bit of babysitting in my time, so I’m happy to offer some advice

Granted it was mainly minding my Nanna’s cat, but it’s really not that different

My suggestion is to use the most powerful tool you have at your disposal

No, not a microwave (we’ll save that for plan B)

FEAR!

Fear is your ally when dealing with a little cherub like this

Does he have a nap?

If he does, put him in his bed and tell him you’re letting the snakes out

You don’t actually NEED real snakes, but hey, who am I to stop you if you want to really ‘create’ the scenario?

Put him on his bed, turn off the lights, make some hissing noises and leave

But first let him know, that the snakes will only leave him alone if he stays on the bed

And if he asks why, tell him it’s because snakes are allergic to pillows, duh!

This will give you HOURS of freedom

Trust me

That kid will stay on the bed until 2024 if you wanted him to

And if he doesn’t nap?

Are you old enough to drink?

If you are, then giddyup to the wine rack sister – that’ll get you through

But if you’re not old enough to drink AND he doesn’t nap?

It suck to be you doesn’t it?

I tell you what, just send him ‘round to my place

I can take care of him for you

I have snakes, booze AND a microwave!