Dear Jenny

I have my children enrolled in several classes that my husband and I are hoping will give them a head start in life. Enrichment classes, a language course, music and art appreciation. As a mother yourself, what are some things that you would recommend?

Thank you Jenny

Blythe

(ps my boys are 1 and 2 years old)

Hey there Blythe

Thanks for finding the time to write in your obviously busy schedule

One question; what the fuck lady?

Your kids are still under warranty and you have them in an ‘art appreciation’ class?

Is that some kind of code for ‘finger painting’?

And I’m guessing that music classes for children as young as yours would be nothing more than a bunch of kids whacking each other with macaroni shakers and chewing on ukeleles

The language course must be a beauty

‘Cause really, the only thing worth saying at this age is, “change my shitty nappy mother”

Enrichment program? Isn’t that something that gifted kids do?

Your kids are BABIES, how could you know if they were gifted or not yet?

Are they colour coding their bibs and alphabetising their teddy bears?

Seriously dude, do yourself a favour

Take a chill pill

Whack on a Wiggles DVD

And let nature take it’s course

Dear Jenny

I have all of your albums and like to watch your clips on youtube too. I think you’re so funny. My favourite song of yours is Horses Hoof. I like the way you can take such a sensitive subject and just have a laugh with it. I am a 24 year old gay man, and it’s nice to see someone have a sense of humour about things that most people say are politically incorrect. It’s even funnier that there are people that are offended by you. As someone that’s been bullied a lot over the years for being who I am, I think you’re the best. Keep up the entertaining work Jenny. Your friend, Jason                                                                                                    (ps I am coming to see you and your Dad in December at the Burswood!)

Hey Jase

Well aren’t you just lovely? Thank you for the nice letter!

I’m sorry that you’ve been bullied just for being you. It’s not fair and I know that violence is never the answer, but I’d happily provide a swift kick in the gonads to the wankers if you have an address.

I’m glad you can see the funny side of what I do – I’d be kinda out of a job if you didn’t!

‘Cause with all the bullshit going on these days, and the fun police stepping in at every opportunity to tell us what we can and can’t say, it’s nice to just sit back and think, ‘fuck it!’

I like to think of myself as an equal opportunity piss taker and someone who hangs shit on everyone, everything – but mainly myself

Religion – catholic, hindu, muslim, catholic, protestant, athiest, catholic

Race – white, black, brown, orange, yellow, pink

People – tall, short, fat, skinny, ugly, bald, me

Life – motherhood, kids, alcohol, work, travel, alcohol, music, marriage, alcohol

It’s never my intention to be mean or nasty about it

Except for that one fucktard last year in Cannock, on the UK tour. I might have been a little bit mean to him. But in fairness, he was a complete (grumpy) knob jockey and had obviously woken up on the wrong side of his sister

It’s up to us to find the funny in stuff – and not up to someone else to tell us if we can or can’t laugh at it

It’s all said with my tongue planted very firmly in my cheek

Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke

Make sure you come and say g’day at the Burswood show – I’ll be the one without the beard

Apologies in advance for my Dad

x

Dear Jenny

My husband and I have five daughters. He wants to keep trying for a boy. I don’t. Five kids is exhausting, and my husband works long hours (to pay for 5 children) It’s so demanding and full on in this house 24/7 I don’t even think we could find the time to ‘make’ another baby. Plus there’s no guarantee that it would even be a boy. How do I tell my husband I can’t do it? Thanks Jenny

Yvonne.

Dear Yvonne

You have 5 kids you say?

And your husband wants more?

Here’s what you say to him…

“You and your sperm need to leave me the FUCK alone buddy”

Tell him to squirt his swimmers somewhere else for a change

Like in a tissue

Or maybe a hooker?

It’s very effective to make this stance while holding a sharp knife or scissors

Good Lord woman, how do you handle 5 kids?

I have 2 and I’m a disorganised mess half the time

The other half I’m drunk, and don’t notice the mess

How do you even give BIRTH to five kids?

In fairness, I reckon after the 3rd, they probably starting walking out, yeah?

Anyhoo… you make it crystal clear to that baby making machine that you’re married to, that 5 kids is E-NOUGH!

Why does he want a boy so badly?

Girls can do all the stuff boys can these days

Football, cricket, rugby – all the ‘guy’ stuff

So what if he has to sit down to piss in his own house?

Besides, with 5 girls

The odds are good you’ve got at least one lesbian in the bunch

Dear Jenny

I babysit a lot for my next door neighbour’s 4 year old boy. He is horrible. I know that’s not nice to call someone’s kid, but really he is. He kicks me, pulls my hair. Last weekend he stole my handbag, and lied about it. I found their poor dog hiding in the laundry room with one of my tampons stuck in it’s bum. This kid is a nightmare. I want to stop watching him, but I really need the money. To make matters worse, his parents think he’s an angel. How do I control him? Help! Jasmin

Hi Jasmin

Well, didn’t you hit the jackpot of babysitting bullshit?

I’m glad you wrote to me , because really, where else WOULD you go for child rangling tips?

Good choice!

I’ve done a bit of babysitting in my time, so I’m happy to offer some advice

Granted it was mainly minding my Nanna’s cat, but it’s really not that different

My suggestion is to use the most powerful tool you have at your disposal

No, not a microwave (we’ll save that for plan B)

FEAR!

Fear is your ally when dealing with a little cherub like this

Does he have a nap?

If he does, put him in his bed and tell him you’re letting the snakes out

You don’t actually NEED real snakes, but hey, who am I to stop you if you want to really ‘create’ the scenario?

Put him on his bed, turn off the lights, make some hissing noises and leave

But first let him know, that the snakes will only leave him alone if he stays on the bed

And if he asks why, tell him it’s because snakes are allergic to pillows, duh!

This will give you HOURS of freedom

Trust me

That kid will stay on the bed until 2024 if you wanted him to

And if he doesn’t nap?

Are you old enough to drink?

If you are, then giddyup to the wine rack sister – that’ll get you through

But if you’re not old enough to drink AND he doesn’t nap?

It suck to be you doesn’t it?

I tell you what, just send him ‘round to my place

I can take care of him for you

I have snakes, booze AND a microwave!