This week’s Dear Jenny is not a letter I received

But I letter I wrote

So maybe I should have called it FROM Jenny?

Anyhoo

Dear People In The Room Next Door

I have written letters before to my hotel neighbors – but this one’s different. I’m not mad at you. Not even remotely.
See, the thing I was unable to avoid hearing you guys ‘going at it’ all afternoon. The plus side? When I got back from the gig, you two had obviously rooted yourself to a state of complete exhaustion, and I heard nothing but silence all night –  so yeah, thanks for that.
Thing is, you were back ‘into it’ again first thing this morning. Annoying? Not so much.
But for a girl who is thousands of miles away from her husband, this is like the fat chick smelling the cookies baking…..that she CAN’T FUCKING EAT!
Comprende?
So while I’m not exactly pissed at you guys, I didn’t need the reminder. Even though Dad is forever letting me know that it’s kind of sad out here on tour, when my parents (aka him & Mum) are getting more action than ME, and are the only people getting laid.
Did that visual make you mouth vomit? Welcome to my world
Anyway peeps, hope you enjoyed your stay. Sure sounds like you did.
We will probably never get to meet face to face before you guys check out – that would be a bit embarrassing wouldn’t it?

Plus, I’ll plan on being a little busy this morning….‘SKYPING’ my husband

Your turn to block your ears!

JT
x

No, I do not make this shit up

Hi Jenny

How r u

I hope that everything is great with u. I want u to know that if u were ever to become single i would love to be the next man in your life as i truly believe i can handle u in every single way including when it comes to sex

 

This letter came with a photo

That I’ve glued to the head board

On Diamond’s side of the bed

To remind him always bring his “A” game

Dear Jenny

I am coming to your show in Chicago next week and cannot wait. I have been a fan of your Dad’s for nearly 20 years. I’ve seen all your clips on youtube and got some of your songs from iTunes too. You are a very funny girl. I saw some recent photos of you on Facebook and now I’m worried. Will you still be doing the show next week even though you’re very pregnant? I hope so. All the best sweetie, Phil

Hey Phil

Go phuck yourself

Here’s a tip for you dude…

Unless you see a baby poking it’s head out of a woman’s vajay-jay

DO NOT ASK HER IF SHE’S PREGNANT

K?

So yes, me & my beer gut WILL be at the Chicago show next week

And if there’s any justice in the world

You will be in the front fucking row

Sweetie

Dear Jenny

I have found a really wonderful guy. He’s cute, has a good job, lives not too far away, drives a cool car, and has an amazing smile. The only problem is, he doesn’t know I exist. He really doesn’t. We’ve never met. He works near my work & I he has lunch sometimes in the cafe where I do. I followed him home once, and his house is only 15 minutes away from mine. I ‘googled’ his company’s name and was able to find out his name etc from their website. Some days when I’m outside his house, I just want to go up and knock on his door, that’s how perfect I know he is for me. I’m not sure what is the best way to introduce myself to him as I don’t want to appear ‘weird’. I’ve also thought about trying to find him on facebook.

What do you think the best way to meet him is? I would love your advice Jenny. Thank you. Isabella

ps I think he may also have a girlfriend

Hi Isabella

So you think you’ve met ‘the one’ huh?

I mean, technically, you haven’t MET him yet

You’ve seen him

Followed him

Spied on him

STALKED HIM!

You see where I’m going with this right?

Dude, ease the fuck up! You’re going to get yourself arrested.

AND you said he’s got a girlfriend? I assume you know this from peering through his bedroom window and watching the 2 of them sleeping…just jokes! (not really)

She’s liable to punch your lights out, if you go sniffing ‘round her man

Which will be a nice prelude to the beating you’ll get if you end up someone’s prison bitch once they lock your arse up

Just settle down, OK?

The right man will come along if he’s meant to

Just stop looking

What’s wrong with the traditional way to meet a guy?

You should totally give that a shot my friend

Just grab some girlfriends, head to the pub, have a few drinks and mingle

That’s how I met Diamond

And we’ve been together more than 10 years now

Good luck with it

Oh, don’t forget the most important thing…

DRESS SLUTTY