(like here!)

And wouldn’t if I didn’t think he could take it

But he can

And usually laughs harder than anyone else

You know what my favourite thing about Holly is?

Watching the kind of friend he is to Dad

In this business you meet a lot of people

Many, particularly in Dad’s case

Aren’t around you for the right reasons

It’s important to sort the arseholes from the real mates

Holly may work for Dad

But first & foremost, they are friends

Their respect for each other is constant

They were friends before Holly became Dad’s tour manager

And they’ll be buds long after Dad retires

(like THAT’S ever going to happen)

They’ll probably have adjoining rooms in the old people’s home

God help the nurses in that joint

They’re like an old married couple sometimes

Finishing each other’s sentences

Telling secrets & giggling

They make each other laugh

I think the fact that their personalities are polar opposite to one another

Is what makes it work

Holly’s very sensible

Dad – not so much

Dad loves to shop

Holly fucking hates it

Dad has hair

Holly’s bald

I could go on & on

Dad has 4 brothers

You could count Holly as his 5th

Brothers from another mother, as they say

Holly’s mother obviously had legs

I didn’t, in fact order him a PURPLE one

But I DID have him believing that I did

I am easily amused

I actually ordered him a regular, and VERY nice banjo from America

So I had it sent to my house in Chicago, ‘cause they didn’t ship to Australia

Then I brought it to South Africa with me to give to him

All was good

Until I arrived in South Africa

And my luggage arrived

Minus the banjo

Shit

So I walked around the airport asking all sorts of official looking people what should I do

Was there paperwork I could fill in?

Could they track it?

I kept getting told to wait

So I did

I waited for an hour

Still no banjo

But in that time

All the other passengers had collected their luggage and left

And as I flew in on the last flight of the night – the staff started leaving too

I was trying not to get nervous

I knew I was being picked up by the tour promoter

But I was worried that he’d be out in the arrivals area, thinking that I’d missed the flight, ‘cause I hadn’t come out yet

And he’d leave

Then I remembered that I didn’t have his phone number

OR the name of the hotel

Because I’m a genius

And the airport got emptier & emptier

Like, creepy empty

I finally found a guy who helped me fill in a lost luggage form

I could have kissed him

But I didn’t because well….you know, it was a really long flight and I hadn’t brushed my teeth

And ’cause of the whole ‘husband’ thing

So when I went to leave, the doors were locked

And I may have gotten a little frighties & weed in my pants a little

So this guy ended up walking me out a side door

I finally found the promoter standing by himself in the arrivals area

Patiently waiting for me

Thank Christ

I had visions of me having to sleep in the empty airport for the night

No food or water

No toilet – ‘cause they were locked

No INTERNET

Like an episode ofSurvivor

The Johannesburg Airport edition

If I’d have known that I would arrive here without having to go through security

Or customs & immigration or sniffer dogs (because they’d all gone home)

I so wouldn’t have thrown out my stash of snack food on the plane

But it all turned out fine

If you don’t count the missing banjo

We’re all hoping it shows up today

‘Cause I hate it when Dad cries

UPDATE:

It arrived

So, crisis averted!

He’s a happy boy

And has locked himself away in his room ALL day

And wants us to believe he’s practicing the banjo…

Like my husband

He doesnʼt hate it

He just doesnʼt DO it

Because he doesnʼt CARE

He doesnʼt stress wearing 10 year old t-shirts or jocks with holes in them

In fact, I think he likes it

I, do not

So I shop for him

In the 10 years we have been together, I have purchased every item of clothing in his wardrobe

Every pair of shoes, and yes, every pair of jocks

I donʼt mind this at all

I love to shop

I donʼt care if itʼs light bulbs, beach towels or a dishwasher – if Iʼm shopping, Iʼm happy

My husband, on the other hand, shops twice a year

The day before Motherʼs Day, and the day before Christmas

And I have returned every thing he has ever bought me

Yep – every SINGLE thing

Ungrateful? Me? Not at all

See, my boy Diamond, is stuck in the eighties

If he could have me sporting a bad perm, blue eyeshadow & a Wham t-shirt, heʼd have a permanent boner

So yeah, I do the shopping

And as a polar opposite to this, thereʼs my Dad

The person I inherited my love of shopping from

I also got his short legs & dirty sense of humour

I just thank Christ I look like Mum

But hereʼs the thing – I HATE shopping with Dad

See, Iʼm a purpose shopper

I go in with a list, a plan & an exit strategy

Dad goes in with his credit card and wonʼt leave until heʼs looked in EVERY shop

Have you ever seen someone enjoy browsing through a butcherʼs?

Oh yes he does

Camera shops, hardware stores, supermarkets and ANY PLACE that sells watches or striped menʼs polo shirts

Heʼs not fussy

One shopping centre can take him HOURS to get through

And it does my frigginʼ head in

A couple of weeks ago we were in Cairns, and had a few hours to kill before we had to be at the airport

So heʼs perusing through the souvenir shops

ʻScuse me Dad, but arenʼt those for the Japs?

I was all, hey Dad, do you really need a purse made out of Kangaroo skin or a bloody tea towel with a picture of Ayres Rock on it?

But he wasnʼt listening and had moved on to the menʼs section, where he found a blue shirt he wanted, made out of bamboo

I said, Dad, youʼve bought nine shirts on this trip already

Your case is chockers – do you really need another shirt?

This is not just a shirt, he said.

I can wear this – and if Iʼm having a bad day, I can take it off, roll it up, and smoke it!

Uh Dad, itʼs not made out of HEMP – itʼs made out of BAMBOO

Yeah yeah, whatever, Iʼm getting it anyway

Next time he wants to go shopping, I’m giving him YOUR number

You don’t mind, do you?

super stylish photos from PEOPLE OF WALMART website

‘Cause you know, I’m ALL ABOUT reading up on the latest health tips they have to offer

And hangover cures

The story I found was about how men that stare at women’s boobs,  can add years to their lives

And I was all, what is this fuckery?

And did Diamond write this shit?

A German study (like we didn’t already know the Germans were nork-lovers) said that men who ogle at the breasts of women daily exhibited lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and lesser episodes of coronary artery disease

It went on to say that their study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke

But I bet it INCREASES the rate of STROK-ING

The bad news in all of this?

That the extra few years added to your life aren’t going to mean shit, when your wife catches you perving at other women’s tits, boys

And your new-found horny-ness is useless when you’re sleeping in the doghouse

Or in extreme cases, left without a penis

But the good news?

My Dad is going to live forever!

And EVER!

YAY!

And he’s very excited

And I was all like, uh welcome to the 21st century Dad

He was excited and cute about it

I was happy for him

Until I saw this clip up there

I’d forgotten I was ever even IN one of Dad’s video clips

He reckons this clip is me, doing my apprenticeship

(with my sister-in-law & her sister)

And I’m all, yo Daddio – aren’t apprentices supposed to be PAID?

Not in the, ‘I know what I’m talking about’ sense

More like the, ‘I just like shiny gadgets with buttons’ sense

And if I can get them to work, even a little bit, I’m happy

I have no doubt I get this from Dad

He’s been a gadget junky since I can remember

He had one of the first mobile phones

You know, the ones the size of a small house?

He was the first Aussie entertainer to have his own website

And these days, he’s quite the Mac head

Loving his Macbook laptop

iPhone – and anything else Apple brings out

Needless to say, he cracked a poopy was quite miffed when he realised that my iPhone was newer than his

Not a great difference between them

Mine may be a little faster – and I can video with it

So he’s all, ‘I want a new one too’

I told him to stop whining just go get one

‘You wanna come with me?, he asked with his bestest, cheekiest grin?’

Just to let you know that Dad doesn’t like doing ANYTHING on his own

Eating, driving, shopping, walking

He likes to have company

And usually it’s good to keep him supervised

But still, impulse reaction to going to any sort of retail outlet with Dad is,

Oh hell-to-the-NO!

This reaction is not without justification

This is the man, who when not served in a timely manner, will stand in the middle of the store and yell, ‘who do I have to fuck to get served in this place?’

Funny I know

But not when your standing right next to him

But worse than that – phone shopping could turn out to be an added nightmare

Keep in mind that one of Dad’s most popular songs, ever, is called DICTAPHONE

And it’s about bad service from phone companies

And he wrote it about the very phone company we were going to

The big sing-a-long line in said song is, ‘Stick that fucking phone – up your fucking arse!’

So as we walked into the shop I’m mumbling non-stop under my breath, ‘please nobody recognise him – PLEASE nobody recognise him’

‘Cause all it would take is one person to walk up and say, ‘Hey, aren’t you….?’

And then, ‘You wrote a song about this mob didn’t ya Kev? How does it go again?’

And he’d be off

Singing, getting everyone to join in

And we’d get kicked out

As has happened too many times to count on odd occasion

.

Well, my inner dialogue must have worked

Because no one said anything

You bloody beauty

He got his new phone

Mum got one too which she didn’t even want but Dad said she had to if she wanted to hang out withthe cool kids

And everyone was happy

Until he lost his wallet 10 minutes later at the food hall

You can’t take that kid ANYWHERE!

And after Mum & Dad finished with the, ‘you had it – no YOU had it – no I gave it to YOU’ banter back & forth that old married couples do

We went back to the food hall

And his wallet had been handed in by someone who found it on the floor

And the kicker?

All his credit cards & ALL his cash were still in there

UNTOUCHED!

How unbelievable is that?

So there ARE advantages to being a shit head trouble maker

I’ve no doubt that whoever found his wallet took one look at the driver’s license

And thought, ‘oh shit, this is Kev’s?

‘Not worth the fucking trouble’

And gave it straight back

I’ve written a BLOG about it

And I wrote another BLOG about it

But it still amazes me

Every night

People wear the shirts

Sing-a-long to the song

And of course, show us their tattoos

It really is a way of life for so many people

.

We’ve seen a few new tatts on this trip

But the most memorable one I’ve ever seen

And I’ve seen hundreds

Is one that I get to see day after day

It’s this one

I’ve heard how this one was the most painful tattoo ever created

After it was done the arm had to go in a sling

Then there was a trip to the hospital

4 days in intensive care

Lots of drugs pain killers

No one has EVER experienced this kind of pain

EVER

I’m pretty sure that’s all part of the deal when you get your first tattoo

When you’re in your SIXTIES for fuck’s sake!

Plus, he’s always been a bit of a pussy

Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth

A few years back

Cecil & Hazel had their 4th, of what would eventually be 7, children

He would grow up to do pretty well in life

He left home at 16 to travel around Australia

With not much more than his guitar

And a desire to make his mark

He certainly did that

That determination has seen him succeed even more than I think he could have ever dreamed

.

He has a big life with a lot of loves in it

And he’s lucky enough to count his job as one of those

One of the his other great loves is his country

He’s a true blue Aussie

I don’t know anyone more passionately patriotic

Being Australian is a huge part of who he is

But if you ask him what his biggest love is

What he’s most passionate about

.

He’ll tell you that he’s most proud of

What he considers his biggest success

Is this

And this

nice porn ‘stach

Which led to these

.

.

.

.

A great ambassador for Australia

He’s the best friend you could ever have

A devoted husband

An amazing Dad

And the world’s best Poppy

Happy Birthday Dad

Love you

x

.

.

PS – Hey Dad, I made this my first blog, in like forever, where I didn’t say FUCK – how good’s that?

I figure you kinda say it enough for both of us. And also, ’cause I’m like, a lady and shit, you know?

Sent messages

Given us gifts

Your Christmas wishes have been nothing short of humbling

Soooooo

In the tradition of some of the pretty great duets over the years

You know, those amazing ones?

Especially the family ones

Like Natalie Cole singing with her Dad, Nat King Cole

Pretty incredible wasn’t it?

Well this is absolutely fucking nothing like that

Hope Santa’s sack is full for you!

x

Dad’s been as  sick as a dog this past week

He’s been a complete champ and not missed a show

The good news?

He’s pretty much back to normal

And today he wanted to prove his point by stopping for coffee

Ans we’re all like, sure princess, you can have coffee

But we were a bit worried about him having ‘big boy’ coffee

’cause he’s had the shits all week

So I bought him a special one

And he had no idea that we’d bought him the you’ve had the shits all week pussy version mini cup

And he was so excited to be able to drink coffee again

Until I reminded him that he was a pussy showed him what the big kids were drinking

And he puts his best, “What is this fuckery?” face on

Like he wants his money back or somehting

But we stopped him from spazzing out sorted him out

And he was good to go

Until we stopped for brekky

And he bolted out of the car

And ordered his food before we could catch up to him

And check the little smart bastard him out

BAKED BEANS for Chirst’s sake

He calls it confidence

I call it pushing his luck!