Over the weekend I traveled to Ohio to do a show
My friend Brittany was hosting a camp, Camp Throwback
The memo we all got before camp was, “Wouldn’t it be great to re-experience all the camp moments you loved as a kid, now that you’re legally allowed to drink and and light things on fire? Oh wait, you totally can”

I went to camp with my USBFF Kerru. She’s like a taller, brunette version of me….only with a Chicago accent and more swear words. I know, you didn’t even think that was possible, right?

Camp started on Thursday, but we couldn’t leave until Friday night, which had us arriving at 4:30am Saturday. We woke Brittany up when we got there, because we’re lovely like that, and she pointed out where our cabin was. There were already 7 other girls in their sleeping. And they’d just had a 90’s party that night, so I was pretty sure those girl sleeping were drunk off their arses and snoring to beat the band, while wearing flannels over their Nirvana shirts
I was like, dude, if I was hammered and two strangers walked into my cabin, things might get ugly.
So we stood outside the cabin for 10 minutes debating whether or not to go in.
Then decided that heading back to the minivan and pouring a wine would make our decision easier
Two hours later, WE were hammered, the sun was up and we weaved our way back to the cabin, just as our roommates were waking up.
Field day was on the Saturday, and Kerru and I were totally ready to participate in it and get our trophy on
Until we got dressed in our sporty-spice clothes with our headbands and knee-high socks on and used up all our energy.
So we kinda supervised the field day in between naps
Although I spent most of the day killing spiders and bugs because Kerru is a totally pussy completely terrified of any creepy crawly (and her subsequent spazz attacks whenever she spotted something crawling in the cabin could win her a spot on the fucktard version of  ‘so you think you can dance’) and also changing my undies twice from laughing at her.

I made new friends, learnt to shower with thongs on (flip flops) and roll up a sleeping bag, climb a tree and hunt beer
OK, one of those is not true.
It was a crazy 30 hours and I came away absolutely knackered.
The 120+ others had been there since Thursday, so I’m pretty sure most of them would have spent Monday feeling like they were recovering from autopsies.campthrowback4

The show was hilarious. I mean I was kinda funny, but the real funny came from playing to people that haven’t heard my stuff before
Obviously I always play to some people that don’t know my stuff – but playing to a group where nobody has heard me before? Hilarious!
I love seeing people’s faces hearing my songs for the first time.
I don’t think anyone laughed more than me
The weird part of the show?
Not wearing mystripper heels
I felt naked I tell ya.
But they were a great mob, and better than cool to hang out with after the show
FACT: if you get enough crazy-fun people in one space at a time, add in awesome activities (think watermelon eating contest, Bloody Mary’s for breakfast and drunk dodgeball) alcohol and bunk beds, it’s going to be shit-storm of fun.
Add to that some Jenny Talia, ’cause every camping trip needs a classy sheila – and you’ve got the recipe for a camping success

They’ve already announced Camp Throwback 2015
My liver said I can go, but it’s staying home.


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does my bum look big in this?

This is a post I’ve debated writing for a while now
Mainly because I try to bring the funny, that’s my job
Fart jokes and rude songs, that’s me
Plus there’s already enough ‘real life grownup’ stuff out there
Who wants to read that here? Not I, said the freckly midget.
But over the last couple of months, I feel like there’s been lots of little signs, or things that have been quietly nudging me to put my ‘two cents’ in.
And really, this is s a topic that gets bashed TO DEATH in the media, bloggosphere and anywhere else people can sprout their opinions
So fuck it….what’s one more point of view on it?

I don’t really give a shit about my weight
No really, I don’t
Some days I care about it more than others
But as a rule, it doesn’t affect me too much
It has taken me YEARS to get to this point
Do I care about what I look like? Sure
Do I obsesss about it? No.
I recently got on a set of scales for the first time in years. I was heavier than I thought
I’m happy to report that I didn’t get off the scales with a plan to crash diet and sign up for boot camp. Not this time.
I was kind to myself and reasoned that my boobs weigh a shit tonn each….so I’m probably the perfect number.
I’m so over trying to make that number smaller
There was a time in my twenties where my weight was always on my mind
That was also a time where I was probably the skinniest I’d ever been
Not through diet and exercise
But through not eating much, chain smoking
And shitty relationships that undermined my sense of worth

I can tell you the two things that changed it all for me
Meeting my husband
Having someone that loves me….no really
Loves ME
My happiest times with my husband are spent laughing
Not dolled up and dressed to the nines, wearing two layers of spanx
But at home, sweats on, hanging out
My idea of sexy time
Does he find me attractive? Sure
But he also loved the shit out of me when I was over 115kgs,  (yep, more than 250 pounds) which happened each time I pregnant with our girls (extra wow for a 5 foot girl)
And that was the other thing that changed me
Giving birth to our two daughters

Raising two humans (especially female ones) in a world that’s generally going to tell them they’re not perfect, worth it, or skinny enough, has me pretty determined to counter that with letting them know that everything about them is amazing
Who they are, how they live they’re lives, how they treat others and how they love…
THAT’S the important stuff I need them to know
They will also know that what size pants they wear is just not relevant, despite the images on TV, in magazines etc.. that they’ve been bombarded with since they were babies telling them the EXACT opposite
As long as they take care of themselves, and stay healthy – I could give two shits about the size of their arses

See, I can starve, diet, obsess about the body I don’t have
Or I can be sensible, exercise, still enjoy my fave foods and wine….and live the life I have now
There are so many who say it better than me, including my friend, the amazing Brittany Gibbons (seriously, check out her website, she’s fucking hilarious)
And I don’t for a minute think that there’s a bazillion girls, women, even men out there reading this, that will have it be a life changer for them
But I do know there are SOME of you that will read this and take notice
Case in point, a comment I received today:

“…you made me realize I didn’t need to breathe in my wedding dress and lose those extra kilos , didn’t diet the entire lead up to my wedding … Life is too short”

And reading it made me feel SO good, and even do a little fuck-yeah-fist-pump

We’re all different
We’ve all got something about us that NO ONE else has
WHY try and change yourself to be like everyone else
Big boobs?
Little Boobs
Wobbly belly
Flat belly
Go you!
No bum
JLo bum?
Fuck yeah!

Fuck focusing on what you don’t have….what you’d like to have
Just have a look at yourself and give yourself a break
A compliment
“Wow, I have a happy face” or “This belly may be more like a verandah, but it was also the belly that grew my babies in it”….how awesome is that?

There a people out there, right now, who would give everything to have what we bitch about
A terminal breast cancer patient would give her world to have HEALTHY boobs no matter HOW saggy they are
Every wrinkle means another birthday you get to be here for
Who wouldn’t want more wrinkles?

And don’t let all the photos you see online fuck with you
These days, it’s all about photshop, angles, lighting and filters
Case in point; here’s what a bad angle, baggy pants, and a bit of wind can do to your bum shape…
And the old me may have been bothered by the ‘fat arse’ comments that came when it got posted to Facebook.
But the NOW me knows that negative comments directed at me say so much more about the person saying them than they do about me
Do they sting a little? Sure they do
But I’m a big fan of not letting the people with no lives dictate how I live mine
Did I want to post the pic from 5 seconds later , when the wind wasn’t whipping through my willows, and my bum looked more normal?IMG_1149
Nope. Fuck Em
I know what my arse looks like
If I gave a fuck, I sure-as-shit wouldn’t be giving it to people who don’t know me, but feel the need to tell me I should lose weight
It’s ALL bout the anglesIMG_1151
But really, fuck the angles

Me, when I woke up this morning
Me, last week, face full of makeup
Good angle and Instagram filter1461029_10152098257047495_962333456_n
Just woke up, makeup free, PJs and fuck it attitude
Hair, makeup, and again….good angleIMG_7702

It’s the season of giving
The best gift you can give this year is to yourself
Give yourself a break
Seriously….you deserve it

Plus….you look kinda hot today.



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fuck it up friday #22

One for the more voluptuous ladeez
The boys who love ’em

And anyone who’s been waiting for me to fuck up a Taylor Swift song


*Diamond walked in on me recording this and was all,
“Oh, you’re recording. At first glance I thought you were having a seizure”

Haters gonna hate.


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