like sands through the hour glass

Posted on November 6, 2009 by Jenny

Dad was telling me in the car today about this Russian Sand Lady that he saw

I’m like, the what?

He says, there’s this Russian Sand lady and she’s beautiful and really talented

You should check her out

Google her, or whatever you do on your computer

You’ll love it

So I google Russian Sand Lady

And I get this

And I’m thinking

Wow, even with your beer googles on Dad

I don’t think you could class this ugly old mole as beautiful

And talented?

She. Eats. Dirt.

I’m like, uh ‘scuse me, but your 4 years old granddaughter could kick this wrinkly cow’s butt in a sand eating competition

Miss 4 devours MUD PIES for God’s sake

This chick just eats plan old SAND

And there’s NO WAY Miss 4 is not cuter than HER

And Dad says, what the fuck are you talking about?

So I show him the photos I found when I googled Russian Sand Lady

He’s like, you’re a FUCKTARD, you know that?

I know, he totally called me that. I taught HIM that word – and he used it on ME

Hmmmm DILLIGAF?

Anyhooo

Turns out he was talking about this Russian Sand Lady

Just a case of miscommunication

Between the front seat and the back seat

beans, beans, good for your heart

Posted on October 11, 2009 by Jenny

All together now,

beans, beans, good for your heart

beans, beans, make you fart

the more you eat, the better you feel

so eat your beans with every meal

That was one of the first songs I ever taught my girls

I know, another reason I am mother of the year!

Interesting useless fact:

1.5 million cans of Heinz Baked Beans are sold every day in the U.K.

The Heinz factory in Wigan,UK, uses some 1,000 tonnes of dry beans every week making the nations’ favourite toast-topper

And after not much googling research, I’ve been looking for the answer to that ‘age old’ question

Why DO beans make you fart?

I choose this one

When the gasses harnessed from the bean roots move toward the anal cavity through the colon, it makes the pressure neccesary to pull off an epic fart

Probably not the most scientific answer, but my fave none the less

Baked beans are popular world wide, it’s one food my girls will always eat

But nowhere are they more popular than here in the UK

No matter what kind of restaurant, cafe or hotel we’re in, you can guarantee that beans are on the menu somwhere

Breakfast, lunch, or dinner

I’l have them every now and then for brekky

I like beans more than beans like me, if you know what I mean FAAAAAAAARRRRRRRTT!

But Dad?

Well fuck-me-dead if that man doesn’t eat them every day

And I mean EVERY-FRIGGING-DAY

Take into account that he’s been in this country since the end of August

We’re talking close to 50 servings of beans so far

FIFTY for FUCK’S SAKE!

Is it any wonder our car smells like arseholes bad after a long drive

I’m not sure I can handle it any more

That’s why today, when Mum, Dad & Holly stopped for breakfast

I decided to stay in the car and blog about my smelly Dad

Windows down

Sucking in the fresh air while I can

‘Cause they’ll be back soon

And I’m hoping that only Dad has had beans this morning

‘Cause trust me, when I tell you that he’s a champion farter

But if Mum does beans for brekky?

Sweet Jesus that woman could take her bean fueled bum to the fucking Olympics

My eyes are watering just thinking about it

why are people so unkind?

Posted on October 7, 2009 by Jenny

So, you know how I’m trying to not drop dead from a heart attack be good on this tour

The whole CHOLESTEROL / GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER crap that I blogged about before

Well, most mornings we get on the road and stop for brekky somewhere along the way

We USED to (before I became the food police) stop at the death wagons on the side of the road

Their food is seriously delicious, but greasy bacon and egg rolls aren’t the most nutritious way to start the day

Hence the name DEATH WAGON

Most mornings, wherever we stop, I’ve been having muesli & yogurt

Mmmm, yummy *insert best sarcastic facial expression here*

Everyone else has been pretty good too

Only the occasional greasy breakfast is being consumed

I mean, I don’t expect everyone else to be good ’cause I have to

Who am I kidding? Of course I fucking do

I expect support people

And lots of it!

So, imagine my pure pissed-off-ness when we pulled into a MacDonalds this morning

The first one of the trip

‘Oh don’t worry Jen, there’s bound to be SOMETHING good you can have here’, they said

Yeah well thanks for making me look like a complete tossa when I went up to order my food and asked if they had any ‘healthy’ options to eat

pimply kid: healthy?

me: yeah, like fruit or yogurt or something like that

pimply kid: ummm, lady, you’re in MACDONALDS

Yeah OK fucktard, thanks for pointing that out

Anyhooo, everyone enjoyed their heart attacks in a bun bacon and egg mcmuffins

While I sulked went and sat in the car

There’s only so much willpower I possess

And sitting in MacDonalds, watching everyone at my table eat shit I haven’t touched in forever that kind of food would be too hard

The urge to dive across the table and kill one of them snatch their food away would be too hard to resist

So I sat in the car

It was cool, I passed the time going thru their bags they weren’t too long

So we got back on the road and headed to tonight’s show in Croydon

I was starting to get pretty hungry at this point

I mean come on, I’m obviously fading away to a block of flats!

I start hunting through my bag for something to nibble on

Almonds, raisins my address book I could give a fuck at this point

You know how you don’t want to see the incredible hulk when he’s angry?

I’m just like that when I’m hungry, except not as green, and WAAAAY nastier

And then my mum

MY MOTHER – who nurtured me in her womb, brought me into this world, rocked me to sleep at night

Yeah that one

She pulls out a BOX OF FUCKING MALTESERS

I’m all like, are you FUCKING SHITTING ME? You’re going to open those fuckers and eat them? Here? Now?

In FRONT OF ME?

She starts giggling, well of course I’m going to share some too, she says

As she passes them to the front for Dad & Holly

So anyway

To cut to the chase

If you see a middle-aged brunette with a suitcase and a half-empty box of Maltesers shoved up her arse, standing on the side of the road, about half way between Aylesbury & Croydon, could you give her a lift?

I’ve had some food now, and I’m starting to feel a bit bad about leaving her there

Who else is going to iron Dad’s underwear sell the cds tonight?